Today we went to a party for a work-friend of Den’s. It was a little up-in-the-air, since Den realized he had a prior commitment this evening. I told him I’d bake myself a cake and hunker down with a book and I’d be fine, no worries. And that’s exactly what I did… and just as I sat down with my first piece of cake and my book, the phone rung. Den had gone to his man-dinner (game supper with his buddies), eaten, then excused himself saying he had somewhere to be. I told him he really didn’t have to do that, but he said he felt bad cancelling our evening out on me. So I got dressed up and off we went! It was a little amusing showing up at someone’s house with a cake that had a large piece missing!

I must say, I really enjoy going out and being social now that I’m pregnant. I feel like I’m on display, and honestly… I love it. I wouldn’t want to be on the hot spot all the time, but I love how people stop to comment and ask when I’m due and how I’m feeling. I feel like I can finally celebrate. YES I’m pregnant! I am THRILLED about it! Yes yes yes!!

Going through infertility was such a miserable time, not only because I felt downright miserable to start with, but when people ask how you’re doing, or, worse, if you have kids, you can’t exactly blurt out that you’re infertile and your cycle just bit the big one and now you have bruises all over your stomach for no good reason. It’s just not the kind of thing you jauntily throw out during someone else’s party. So you feel isolated to start with, and then you really start to hope that no one asks about the kids deal. It all just sucks. So yeah, after a while I started avoiding social outings. I felt miserable, and I didn’t want to bring that to everyone else.

So yeah. It’s nice to just enjoy being out and around people. Doing the work that I do, I don’t really get out much. It’s not a HUGE deal to me… I think some people would go absolutely stir-crazy staying at home every day, or dealing with a very limited number of people on a weekly basis. I don’t mind it. I actually tend to get overwhelmed pretty easily, I rely heavily on having “down-time” every day. That’s part of the reason I’m not concerned about going stir-crazy as a SAHM… it’s what I do anyways, just without the kid. But of course I do need to get out sometimes. And I really appreciate that Den understands that. (Though part of the reason that he understands is that when he comes home from work I follow him around the house talking his ear off, lol! Hellooooo human contact!!)

Tonight I heard a lot of, “You’re due when? April? WOW you look fantastic!” I am appreciative that they were all so positive. I know some of my buddies online have gotten comments that weren’t quite so encouraging, things like, “You sure? You’re so small.” (What are they thinking when they say things like that? Oy.) But the women all said how good I’m looking, and that’s fine with me.

After friday I’m still feeling a little nervous about looking small (I know I am certainly not looking large), but I do have to just realize that it’s how my body is and it doesn’t mean anything bad, we know the baby is just fine. Trust in my body, that’s the key. With pregnancy, labor, breastfeeding… you obviously do what you can, I eat right, I read, I prepare… but in the end you can only do so much, you can’t control the situation, you have to trust in your body to do what it does. It should come as no surprize that the concept is rather new to me. I am not one to give up control easily. I am not one to have trust in anything. And yet something about being pregnant really has given me a type of self-confidence I never had before. It’s really quite… weird.

::

Today (Saturday) Devin must have taken exception to the midwife saying my ute was measuring small, because he decided to expand and take up some more real estate: namely, my ribs. Ow man. Just ow. All day he was kicking me in the ribs on my right side… the same spot over and over. He’s never done that before. He must have just had a foot lodged up there and was pushing and stretching. It didn’t feel like normal little kicks… instead it was just like out of nowhere my ribs would hurt like crazy… then it would stop. So all day I was yelping and rubbing my ribs, as if pressing on them would somehow make him stop. I gave him a little talk, but he didn’t really want to listen I guess.

Thankfully tonight he has moved back down lower (probably more folded-up) and is making my belly dance before my eyes. That I can handle. It does get slightly uncomfortable when he really pushes hard, but it’s a heck of a lot nicer than the ribs, I must say. I’m starting to get nervous about him growing even bigger and being stuck in my ribs more permanently.

::

Tonight we finally bit the bullet and ordered a camcorder. We’ve been talking about it ever since we got pregnant, it was definitely very high up on our list of things that we need to buy before the baby arrives. Den had a camcorder a long time ago – it broke and has been sitting useless for about, oh, 5 years. Once in a while we’d mention that it would be nice to take video of the dogs and cats, but it wasn’t a priority – I’m definitely far fonder of still photography. But we both absolutely insist on having a video camera to archive our child growing up. My own parents didn’t get a video camera until I was about 5 years old. We have some of the MOST adorable videos of my little brother, being around 2 at the time. I LOVE to watch those old videos. But I have none of me. Now obviously back then it was just the start of the technology really, so it’s not like I blame anyone… but I realize how precious those early videos are.

So anyways, today we finally made a decision and ordered one. Eeeep. Big step! Den decided on a JVC HDD camcorder, and we jointly decided not to spend the extra cash on a fully-loaded model (fully loaded with features we really don’t need). We went for a middle-of-the-road model, the JVC Everio GZMG255. It looks to have everything we want, and it should do us very well for many years. I hope. I always get so nervous with big purchases.

We wanted to get it before Devin was born… hopefully I’ll be able to take some video of my belly rolling around like crazy! We also really need to get some better video of the dogs and cats. All we have are some very very poor quality 30-second clips taken with our old digital camera’s movie mode (which sucks, lol). It’ll be so neat to have things saved on video forever. A lot of Zoe’s mannerisms, for instance… she’s the funniest little dog and she makes us laugh like crazy, and it’s not something that photos can ever do justice… and it’s nothing that anyone else will EVER see, unless it’s through a video. She’s terrified of strangers and would never act like her happy-go-lucky self with someone else in the house. It’ll be so much fun to show people what she’s REALLY like at home… all they ever see is this terrified dog hiding in the corner, sigh.

In any case, now I’ll have to figure out how to work the thing and get videos online! I’m not real fond of YouTube so I’ll have to find a place that hosts videos to share them here and with my parents. Actually, I still have to do that with photos too. I use photobucket for everything right now, but I’ll probably install a dedicated gallery on my other domain for my mom to access. She wants to be able to download full-size photos and/or order prints, though. That part could be a problem, since they live in Canada so the “normal” online places where you can order prints won’t work. What a pain.

I have figured out how to get Devin to stop pushing out in all weird directions: grab a camera and point it at my stomach. I have our old camera, that has macro mode, so I could snap a shot or two of the HUGE lump that sticks out when Devin is groovin’ around in there like he was just a little while ago. Soon as I get the camera? Silence. Dead silence. I poke him, he kicked halfheartedly. Apparently he went to sleep.

I put the camera down, my belly rolls. I get it turned on, aimed and ready – not one movement. HOW DOES HE KNOW??

I think obstinate is going to be this kid’s middle name.

PS – I am 32 freakin’ weeks pregnant. I have no idea how I got to 32. Did we skip some numbers in there or something? I just keep reminding myself that I still have 8 weeks left. I am NOT ready yet.

I caught him, I caught him!! Ahahahaha.

A “before” picture:

Looking pretty symmetrical. (And yes, I have an innie when I lay down, tee hee.)

Of course then nothing happened and I just typed away on my laptop for a while. Then THIS happened and I grabbed my camera quick and got off a blurry shot:

A foot, a knee, a butt?? Not sure. A large lump protruding. A minute later it was down to this:

So funny.

My food likes and dislikes have taken a serious dislodging lately. The wonderful, yummy, protein-loaded chicken-and-egg salad that I’ve been eating religiously? Suddenly doesn’t taste good. I knew I needed more protein, so Sunday I had a big salad, just like usual. It didn’t taste all that appetizing really, but I kept eating… like I said, I needed the protein. Oh BOY did I regret that. Idiot girl, you should know by now not to ignore what your body is saying! I felt bad all evening, just bloated and indigestion and ugh.

The thing I do want? Chocolate cake. BAD. I baked myself a chocolate cake on Saturday, with the intention of picking at it over a week or two. Hahah. Yeah. Damn that cake is good. I even forgot to buy the ingredients to make icing, so I’m eating just the cake… but it’s so freakin’ chocolatey and good. It’s the first thing I think about in the morning for breakfast.

Tonight I fell asleep before Den got home from his class, and when I woke up at 11pm and stumbled into the bathroom to pee Den asked if I was going back to bed. “Meh, yeah,” I muttered, “Cake first.” And I waddled into the kitchen. He followed me in there and found me with my fingers in the cake pan – literally – breaking off pieces of cake and shoving them in my mouth. He looked at me and said, “Did you just…” and made an imitation snarfing sound. Unfortunately… yes I did. I was grunting as I shoved cake into my mouth, people.

::

Today at work I managed to hurt myself lifting. The irritating part was that I frequently lift heavier things with no issue. This time I was just carrying things from a shed to the back of our SUV, which involved little to no squatting/bending (everything was at waist-level), and I was lifting a very small amount each trip – like only 10lbs. My cats weigh more than that. I don’t know what I did, but suddenly those 10lbs felt like 40 and there was pain concentrated in my lower back.

So I’m hobbling today. Definitely feels like a pinched nerve in my spine, not a muscle thing, so a call to my chiro may be in order. Damnit. Thankfully the pain has diminished some since I got home… I can always hope it just goes away on its own right? Not likely though. Just laying in bed tonight, I lifted my head and pain shot up my spine. Lovely.

::

The boobs, they are ITCHY. Specifically my nipples. I was wearing my normal cami with a built-in bra today (way more comfortable than a bra), which is my usual work-wear, but today OMG, there must have been some tiny fur inside there or something, because it was driving me nuts. I’d hide in a room and stick my hand up my shirt to scratch under the cami, it was so bad.

Needless to say, I’m not wearing the cami tonight. I’m a little uncomfortable with no bra, but it’s better than the itchies.

::

Devin is still happily head-down… I can tell, because I need to pee all. the. time. Sometimes at work I’m just like, “Look, I know I don’t REALLY need to pee AGAIN, you’re just pressing on my bladder. So can I please just finish what I’m doing first?” That works half of the time. At home like now though… gah, it’s so irritating to have to get out of bed ten times while I’m typing. Getting up out of bed and then getting back in and nestled into my mass of pillows takes time and is hard work (sometimes I have to take a breather afterwards!). Especially when my back hurts!

I really love those precious moments when he sticks his hands down and pushes on my bladder. LOVE that. Nothing like feeling the overwhelming need to pee my pants in the middle of work.

::

Speaking of work and pain… I am starting to feel relieved that I’ll be giving up some of my hours come the last week of February. I’m only working 10 hours a week (well… usually it’s more than that, but I get paid for 10), and a lot of it is stuff that they need me to keep doing until I go on full maternity leave when the baby comes. Some of my hours consist of helping my supervisor out with the cleaning. I don’t do any of the heavy work, just sweeping and cleaning up small messes, putting down fresh water and food, etc. And the way it’s going to work is that my supervisor will take over most of my stuff while I’m gone, and my “replacement” will either help her with it or take over some of the cleaning stuff she normally does to free up her time. (My replacement isn’t as able to take over my duties.)

Well we’ve been sorting this all out for a while, trying to figure out when to transition things over to the new girl so that she can get the hang of things while I’m still around as a backup. It’s been decided that as of Feb 25 she’ll take over some of my hours so she can learn the ropes. And it was hard to do that, because the money is nice – well, right now money is a lot more than nice. And while we were planning all this I still felt fine doing everything I have been doing.

This past week though, boy, I’ve been feeling it more and more. And today really clinched it for me – I’m ready to give up some of my stuff. I’m getting slower and slower at it, and things are getting harder to do. And with my back… well the last thing I need is to really wrench something right before I go into labor. That would be some major suckage.

::

This whole post may read like a whine, I realize. It’s not. It’s funny because it’s like, “Boy this sucks. Isn’t it great?!” I’m very aware that all these inconveniences are only temporary – and they really are just inconveniences. I do want to document everything though – the good and the bad. Pregnancy isn’t all roses and sunshine. Nope. You got the achy shit, the poor sleep, the stomach issues and the really weird shit that like to pop up and make you freak out a little bit. But that’s part of the package. I can appreciate the whole package. I can appreciate that, even though Devin’s kicking my ribs and making me yelp, it means he’s in there, active, doing well. I guess parenthood is kind of like this too – or so I would assume: the kid won’t always be a perfect angel, and there will be days when I’ll want to rip my hair out and lock one of us in a bathroom, but the good stuff far outweighs the bad.

Now let’s see if I can get some sleep… after I pee one more time.

Yesterday our camcorder arrived! I was shocked, since I only just ordered the thing. I am enamored with it. It is so tiny and cute… and it takes great video. We’ve only gotten to use it indoors at night (which is VERY poor lighting) and it’s really impressed me so far! This was a big purchase for us, but one that we’ve been planning on for years now – it was a “must have before a baby comes” item. So now we’re all set for Devin’s arrival, right? (Okay, NOT!)

I played wth the camcorder and read the manual to figure out the controls (not very difficult), and then when Devin had his nightly belly-party I was ready for him. I caught some video of him moving around! It’s certainly not the most active he’s ever been, maybe it doesn’t look like much, but for right now I’m just thrilled to have ANY of it on camera! Today I’ll try to figure out how to download video to from the camera to my computer and upload it somewhere. (I’m really not a fan of YouTube… I hate how public it is. I use Photobucket for my photos, but the video quality isn’t really the best… I could try that, though.)

::

So apparently my pregnancy hormones have not made me just burst out crying at things (sometimes I feel tempted to, but I don’t). Instead they’ve made me angrier. The very first video Den took with our new camcorder was just a random video of the dogs, and me unloading the dishwasher and cooking dinner. However I now can’t delete the thing, because while he was filming I was having one of my snotty little fits. As embarassing as it is to watch, it’s also hilarious (after the fact). And sad as it sounds, I kind of want to preserve that memory for all time. “Look, here’s how mommy was a bitch during pregnancy! Isn’t that funny?” (It’s a good thing I can laugh at myself.)

I’ve just been losing my temper really randomly. Small, stupid things too… like tripping over the cat (for the 300th time). I try to take a deep breath and let it go, but sometimes I just get so angry… which starts a cascade. “Effing cats, they’re always in my way! And look at that fur I just stepped on!! Where’s my shopvac??? And while you’re at it, remove that crap from the bedroom, it’s been sitting there for a week!!! YOU NEVER DO WHAT I ASK YOU TO DO AND MY HOUSE IS A DISASTER!!!” Meanwhile husband is hiding in his office thinking, “Oh jeez, not again…”

Though really, compared to what happens when I forget to take my meds? This is child’s play. We both have experience dealing with my total emotional breakdowns, so these little flare-ups are just hiccups. It’s annoying and kind of funny, and poor Den takes the brunt of it. But it’s not all that bad (yet?). And hey, it gives us something to laugh about later.

::

I’ve seen mention of how carpal tunnel syndrome can be a problem in pregnancy. Honestly I have no clue if that’s what’s bothering me or if it’s simple blood flow issues or something. Den doesn’t think it’s CTS because my wrists don’t hurt when I type (thank goodness). But at night… see, I’ve always slept with my hands folded under my chin like a cat… bent at the wrists. It’s just what I do without thinking. Well now if I do that my hands immediately go numb. Also with the elevation thing, and the anything-resting-on-my-arm thing. I have to watch with my legs too… if one leg is on another, the bottom foot tends to go slowly numb.

I guess it doesn’t really matter what causes it, other than “it’s pregnancy-related,” since the important part is: if it hurts, don’t do that. Pregnancy is all about learning different ways of doing the usual things.

::

Yesterday I had the most fabulous sleep ever. I roused a bit when Den went to work, then I just fell back asleep. And I slept beautifully until I woke up at noon. No waking up sweating, no bad dreams, no aching, nothing. I woke up feeling completely refreshed. It. Was. Fantastic. I want more days like that.

Unfortunately miracles do not happen two days in a row, and with the plows that keep going by to scrape up the snow/ice and the dog freaking out each time (he’s a German Shepherd, but seriously, is he not used to this by now?! I do not need to be “warned” about the stupid plow!!) I got broken sleep at best. Sigh. I liked feeling awake. It was nice. Now I just squint at the clock and wonder when’s the soonest I can take a nap without feeling guilty. Now? How about now?

::

I am currently trying to decide what to do about nursing wear. I have two nursing bras that I really hate to wear. One of them might be okay when my milk comes in, but it’s a 36D (I am currently a 38C). I have an extender for it, so it’s all up to whether or not my boobs fill it out, which STILL has not happened yet. My boobs, despite the stretch marks, have made very little progress this pregnancy.

So I’m thinking, for right now, to wait on ordering a “good” nursing bra (this one comes to mind) and just get some nursing camis and such while my boobs figure things out. I love Gilligan & O’Malley stuff, so I’m thinking this nursing cami and this sports bra. I figure one of each, for the hospital, and then I can order more if I like them.

::

I am out of cake, and I am very sad about it. The junkfood cravings… oh it’s BAD. I’m going to turn into a major blimp if I don’t manage to find a way to stop this. The bad part is that all the yummy healthy food I’ve been eating lately suddenly tastes like crap to me. My tastebuds are all screwed up. All I want is chocolate and sweets. :(

My kid definitely has a sense of humor. I mentioned how after last week’s appointment and ultrasound he decided to kick me in the ribs all day. Well today I’m laying here like normal and his foot is poking out dead center, just below my ribs – significantly above my belly button, and significantly above where my uterus was just one week ago. I’m willing to bet that at next week’s appointment my uterus will have “caught up” to where it should be, size-wise. Unless, that is, he changes his mind and decides to retreat before then, just to confuse the Midwives.

And by the way… having my uterus encroaching on my ribs makes sitting up quite difficult. Slouching is no longer an option. In fact, most of the time now I find myself leaning back and stretching, trying to give him as much room as possible. I think he appreciates it. Or at least he doesn’t appreciate it when I slouch, as it usually results in a swift kick to my ribs.

Not even born yet, and he’s already manipulating me! ;)

So my baby shower was yesterday! I’ve been trying to collect my thoughts (and energy!) long enough to make a decent post about it… plus trying to get all the photos resized. I’m going to attempt an actual post. It will probably be very long!

First of all, my very best friend, Kel, arrived friday afternoon! I’ve been thoroughly enjoying her company. Have we actually done much? Not really – no sight seeing or adventures. Mostly just sitting in my living room gabbing away…. while seated at different computers, checking forums and posting. You know the kind of friend that you can just sit in companionable silence for hours if the mood suits, and not sit there wondering if you said something wrong, or feeling pressure to maintain conversation? It’s great. I don’t have that with many people. (My brother, my dad, and my husband are the only other three I can think of.)

Well the shower was fantastic. My MIL and SIL and everyone else who pitched in did a terrific job. There were plastic plates and cutlery, with cute napkins and cups… MIL had gotten a bunch of these pop-up baby decorations as centerpieces… there were baby-themed things on the wall, and baby-themed confetti on the tables. SIL apparently found these ADORABLE little sheep favors, I loved them!! (pictures coming up!)

The facility we had the shower at was on the military base that he works at, at the “club” – the dining hall/entertaining facility there. Fully stocked bar, and Den was the bartender for the day. LOL Den fell in naturally to serving and chatting people as they arrived, and everyone gathered around the bar.

The food was professionally catered… they had a mix of breakfast and lunch foods: an egg quiche dish, ham, bacon, home fries, fruit salad with whipped cream, ribs, chicken, baked beans, danishes… the food was SO good… and there was plenty of it. I think I went back up for more like four times. The fruit and whipped cream was especially good!

I opened gifts next, and boy was I blown away!! People are so incredibly generous, it just touches me so very much! We got SO much stuff that we need – the big gear items too! I really did not expect many big items to be purchased, they were on my registry in case people wanted to chip in together. But we got so much stuff… just amazing. And the clothes! Oh my gosh, we got some the cutest damn outfits I’ve ever seen!

After gifts… cake! It, too, was fantastic. SIL apparently knew a bakery that did good cakes… well this was a chocolate cake, with layers of whipped cream type icing through the middle, swirled with a touch of raspberry. Oh it was good cake. (I have leftovers. Oh yeah.)

It was just… perfect. I need to think of some way to thank my MIL for doing all the work she did. Having a baby shower was just one of those… things… that I really really wanted and hoped to get, but with no family around here and not being from this area… I just had no idea how it would work out. But I have family here now… Den’s family. And friends… friends from work, friends from online (who live near here), friends that I met through Den 6 years ago. I am just so blessed to share this event with them.

After we’d gotten everything home I spent hours going through clothes and cataloging it all and sorting it into bins based on size. We’re set for onesies for newborn through 6 months, it looks like, but Devin’s going to need more footed sleepers in newborn and 6m (oh no, more shopping! haha). I also went through my big excel spreadsheet of gear and I am shocked by how little we have left to buy! I mean, we still have plenty left, but most of the big items were given to us as gifts… wow. Plus we have some gift cards to spend!

And you know… I have to admit, realizing how little we have left to buy means that we’re really close to having everything we need, which means we’re close to the “waiting for baby to arrive” stage. Ummm. Yikes! I don’t think I’m ready for that!

On to pictures, right?

More…

I had some spotting today. Though I think “spotting” may give an impression of something more than what it was. Basically I had red-tinged CM. I didn’t even think much of it the first time I went to the bathroom. I’m wearing a panty-liner every day (just cause, all that CM, blech!) and it was… brown-reddish. I was like, “Uhhhh. That’s weird. I haven’t seen that before.” Went on about my day. The next time I went to the bathroom it was more reddish-tinged than anything. Which really stands out to me, because I haven’t had ANY pink or red anything since that horrible spotting incident before my BFP.

I wasn’t going to do anything about it, just make a mental note of it, but my forum friends suggested I call my midwives just to check and see. So I did. I still feel silly calling them when it’s not an emergency or anything, but I figured I’d just check in and make sure they didn’t want me to do anything about it. Luckily the Midwife on call I talked to, after asking me a few questions, said it was probably just a bit of my mucous plug coming out and not to worry about it, that she would expect the spotting to stop… but to call if it got worse or if I got any pain.

So I still had red-tinged CM all day, but it’s gotten lighter and lighter. So I figure she was right, it’s just a little bit of something getting dislodged… I mean, it’s really just so little red.

Did give me a little start though, that’s for sure. A few friends were like, “I didn’t have that until right before I delivered.” I’m pretty sure I am FAR away from delivery at this point… but it stopped and made me think. I am NOT ready to have this baby. And in fact, I think if I go into labor at any point before my due date I’m really going to be shocked and a little panicked. I’m so sure that I’m not having this baby until the two weeks after my due date. If he decides to show up even a little early I’ll be in for quite the mental/emotional shock. Not ready not ready not ready.

I didn’t call Den about the spotting, by the way. When I did get home from work I mentioned it to him. He was on his computer and said, “Uh-huh… wait, what?? Is that bad?? Are you okay?? Is Devin still… moving and stuff??” I reassured him that everything was fine, Midwife was not concerned, Devin is still kicking the crap out of me. A little later Den came up behind me while I was washing dishes, put his arms around me with his hands rubbing my belly, and said, “Next time something like that happens… don’t tell me!!” The poor guy. He just gets so worried!

Found by way of Grateful Always, a fantastic little quote I want to save:

My baby will be born on its birthday, not its due date.
I am not in a hurry.
I am not on a schedule.
I am patient.
When I am in labor, I will not rely on the clock to tell me how fast to go.
I am not factory. (This is a custom order.)
I am a powerful woman, birthing a new person into the world.

~Daniella Indie
A doula from Paso Robles, CA

Last night while I layed in bed Devin was having one of his super-active periods. After Den came to bed Devin was still really active, so I told him to watch my belly. “Holy shit!!” he says. I laughed, because it’s something that I see all the time… the little foot-bumps and knee-bumps moving around my belly like a giant bug just under the surface, scooting around this way and that. My belly undulated and shook with the movements and kicks. Den found it pretty darn cool. :D

I just love how much Den is enjoying this pregnancy. He is SO appreciative and thankful and just in awe of what my body is doing. He loves to look at me, he loves to touch my belly. He admits that some of it is “weird” – but in a really cool kind of way, not a freaky kind of way. I am so happy we get to share this together!

::

Why does milk taste so damn good? Not in a glass… in a bowl. With cereal. It’s just… omg yummy. I love cereal so very much. I am out of Crispix, and that makes me sad. (The cereals I keep stocked: plain Cheerios, Multi-Grain Cheerios Rice Crispies, and Crispix. Plus a little bit of granola and Special K. So plain! So yummy!) Cereal is the one thing that has gotten me from one end of my pregnancy to nearly the other end.

The other thing I really really really wanted was a chicken salad sandwich. I drove to the grocery store specifically for some of their very very yummy chicken salad, and some ciabatta bread. I found the bread… but they had NO chicken salad. I walked back and forth, as if either some would magically appear or the guy behind the counter would take pity on the poor pregnant lady and make me some. Neither happened. I ended up buying a roast chicken instead. Now I know that they must use the SAME chickens for their chicken salad. But maybe they use magic mayo or something, because my sandwich totally did nothing for me. So bland, so blech. Did not satisfy my craving at all. I was not happy.

::

On one of my forums is a girl who was 3 weeks ahead of me. In fact, she and I are friends are she lives close, she’s one of a few girls from the forums who came to my baby shower. And I say “was” 3 weeks ahead of me because she had her baby yesterday!! (Whew, just made it through my shower! lol)

Cue panic attack. Here I’ve been thinking I have 6-8 weeks left to go, plenty of time. Then she goes and has her baby at 37 weeks. Granted she was inducded because of increasing blood pressure and swelling (plus she had gestational diabetes, adding more fun to the mix), but STILL. She was considered full term, and the doctors decided it would be better for everyone for baby to come out. (Not that her body hadn’t already started thinking that, itself – she was 3cm dialated when they started inducing her, and her labor just flew!) So suddenly here I am, realizing that you know, maybe I shouldn’t just ASSUME that my baby is going to be late. He could very well decide to come 2 weeks early, and still be full term. Which means… I do not have nearly as much time as I thought I did. (Or at least… I might not. I might still be sitting on my ass at 41 weeks, who knows.)

So Den comes home from work and I look up at him and say something along the lines of, “I’m upset at the house being so far behind schedule.” My eyes well up. Den looks cautiously into my very watery eyes and says, “Your eyes are all watery.” And then, much to my dismay, tears just start rolling down my cheeks. No great heaving sobs or anything, just constant tears welling up and spilling. Den came over and sat beside me, hugged me to him, and brushed the tears off my cheeks while I just cried.

I felt better when I had gotten that out. It was just one of those moments when I realized that I’m not sure I’m READY. I mean, the house isn’t ready, but that doesn’t really matter. But am I ready? I’m excited about the prospect of childbirth and meeting my baby and raising a child… but I’m just not ready to do it right NOW. Maybe another month or two. I just thought I had time… I hope I still do.

Today one of the other local forum girls and I drove out to the hospital to meet our friend’s new baby. (We had checked with her first, to make sure she wanted visitors. She did.) I had hopes that seeing a real newborn would help me deal with it all.

And you know what… it did. He is just… precious. So perfect and small. I held him in wonder. That’s what I have inside me? This little creature… I’m going to have one just like it? There’s one just like that inside me? It’s hard to believe. It’s just so hard to fathom, really. But holding that little boy… I knew that I AM ready. Okay, maybe not right this second – I am only 34 weeks (well, almost). But it reassured me that when it does happen I’ll be ready. It really made me look forward to meeting Devin… to seeing his sweet little face, to checking out his hands and his feet and seeing if he has hair. Holding that baby felt so right.

I’m going to be a mama. And something tells me meeting my son is going to be a completely mind-blowing, life-altering thing.

::

Speaking of being “ready”…

I’m in several groups with due date buddies, all due in March or April, and everyone seems to be getting to that point where they are ready for this pregnancy to be over. They are sick of not being able to sleep, they hurt everywhere and can’t get any relief, they have heartburn and backaches and contractions and they can’t really imagine going another 6 weeks (or however many) more.

Except me.

Ummmm…. yeah. I’m still not close to that point. Oh sure, I have my share of complaints, the third trimester has certainly gotten harder. My hips ache when I sleep. My back aches at work (and afterwards) – though seeing the chiropractor this morning has helped that one tremendously (I can now walk normally once again, instead of waddle). I have heartburn that seems to come out of freaking nowhere and make me stop and gag for a while. I also have the newfound joy of having Devin’s foot stuck up near my rib for an extended period of time some days, when bending forward (or even leaning forward or slouching) is a rather uncomfortable proposition.

But at (nearly) 34 weeks I can safely say that I am still really enjoying being pregnant. I think I have just gotten wicked lucky with this pregnancy (well, besides the obvious just getting pregnant in the first place!). My belly still has no stretch marks (yet – still waiting to see them pop up), except very very faint ones immediately around my very stretched-out and flattened belly-button. My boobs have grown only slightly and aren’t really any more of a nusiance than when I was cycling (they are a little tender, but not wicked sore, not even the nipples). My belly is round and beautiful (people say it’s the classic “basketball” belly). I haven’t really put on weight anywhere else – I think my face is a little tiny bit rounder, but I have to squint to see it and I could be totally imagining things. Heck I’m still wearing my wedding band (part of the reason is because it’s winter and really COLD!).

So apparently my body really really sucks at getting pregnant, but it really good at being pregnant. I really thank it for this part. You are making up for all the crap you put me through before.

Now let’s just hope it’s good at the getting un-pregnant part and delivering this baby…