Tonight I went to Babies R Us with my pregnant sister-in-law, who is due at the end of May. We had a great time.

First of all, I am getting SO excited for these babies. They’re having a little girl, and tonight I found out the name they’ve chosen! I won’t post it here, since it’s not my news to share in such a public space, but I’m just so excited to know a name. We’re already planning to spend frequent time together after the babies arrive (she’s moving to part-time after the baby comes), so Devin and his cousin will be close.

Not to mention I’m really appreciating having a neice to buy things for. :D I love a lot of boy stuff on the market, but sometimes girl stuff is SO much fun to buy, lol. It’s great to have one of each in the family! And plus with a boy and a girl cousin this means at Christmas and birthdays family won’t feel obligated to get them the same stuff, you know? I think it’ll be good. SIL and I were talking about Christmas and how fun (and hectic!) it’s going to be with two little ones running around! It’ll be SO much fun I cannot wait. :)

SIL was totally evil today and got me to zap a few things to add to my registry. (I had no intention of doing so, we were going for HER registry!) A couple of small things… and a swing. I’m not 100% sold on that particular swing… it’s the Boppy travel swing. Only $60, compact, looks cute. But I’m just so unsure. A part of me really wants the Baby Papasan swing. Sigh. I just cannot make up my mind on the stupid swing.

I also took down some carseats to pick them up and carry them around. Ummm yeah. The SafeSeat I registered for, vs the SnugRide? I like the SnugRide better. The SafeSeat IS quite heavy. Shit. I’ve emailed Kel asking if she’ll peek at my registry and switch it if no one’s bought it yet. (I’m not peeking. I’m not peeking. I’m not peeking……)

Otherwise we just wandered the store and SIL scanned things that she still needed to add to her list. Her shower isn’t until April 29 – date chosen so that it’s far enough past my due date that I’ll be able to attend! Devin might be coming too. ;) It really depends when he arrives (and thus how comfortable I am with him being around so many people). If he doesn’t come, though, he’ll have to stay with daddy, and that soon after birth I am not comfortable pumping and leaving a bottle, soooo… daddy might be coming to babysit nearby so they can pop over for a feeding. Well I’ll have to figure that out later. I definitely want to be there.

I’m getting SO excited for my shower! I’m just… beyond excited. A day to celebrate Devin’s imminent arrival with friends and family. And yes, I’m excited to see what kind of stuff he gets! I’m really itching to buy everything we need, which I can’t do until after my shower. It is really HARD for me to sit here and do nothing for the weeks leading up to my shower… no fiddling with my registry (minus the couple of favors I ask of Kel… *shuffles feet* ), no buying stuff. Apparently I need a freakin’ hobby. I just want to nest SO bad. I want to set things up, I want to organize stuff, I want to check things off my list and make sure I have EVERYTHING in order.

A busy day for me – I ate horribly because between a chiro appointment, work, and then going out I just didn’t have much time to stop and prepare a meal. We ate at Ruby Tuesday for dinner, which was surprizingly good. They even had chopped hard-boiled eggs at the salad bar, for on top of your salad. Yay for protein!!

Good day, good day. My feet hurt by the end of the day, and I of course ate far too much for dinner (I was starving)… but I feel just very happy. I really think I have the best SIL ever. :)

FUCK. There is no better word to describe this. Not only does it sound like Mary Ellen going to lose those babies, but now she’s in danger too. It is so fucking unfair.

I have stuff to write about and absolutely NO energy or time to do so. Usually when I have time I think to myself, “Self, do you want to write, or sleep?” Lately sleep has been winning, especially since I haven’t been getting near enough of it. (Reason? Take your pick: hungry, have to pee, heartburn, nightsweats…) As an example of how bad it is, take yesterday. I had gotten Not Enough Sleep but was up early to cook breakfast (mmmm) and do some stuff. But, knowing we had a Superbowl party to attend in the evening, I quickly realized that a nap was a necessity just so I would be able to go hang out with people without biting their heads off (it was pretty bad). So I took a nearly 4 hour nap in the middle of the day. What is significant about that? Well the fact that the boys (Den and BIL) were in the basement directly below the bedroom doing construction. Saws, hammers, yelling, and every once in a while what sounds like a shotgun (some hammer-gun thing to drive nails into concrete). And I slept through ALL of it. That is completely unheard of, people. I am not typically a deep sleeper.

This morning I am up eating leftovers (reheated crepes with cottage cheese – YUM!) and then I have to pick up an order for work. I think I will then take a nice nap before going to work, again, to prevent Major Emotional Disturbance. At some point I will write about the hospital tour I took on Saturday… but I’m not sure when. Maybe tonight I’ll have time.

Den unfortunately couldn’t come with me on Saturday for the tour (not that he was severely disappointed by this), and I, being a moron, forgot to reschedule the tour to a different date. So I went alone. But I got a ton out of it and was really glad I went! Bummer that Den couldn’t go, but oh well.

I might just write down all the notes I took, just so I have it all for posterity.

The L&D building has free valet parking, which I’ve never used before, but figure it will come it extra handy when I’m in labor! Unfortunately the tour guide (henceforth known as TG to save me typing) said the valet parking is only available between 8am and 4pm on weekdays. “So have your baby then!” she said. Bummer man! Finding a parking spot at this hospital is something equal to repeatedly banging your head on your dash. Just as an example, for this tour I ended up parking in a parking garage on the far other side of the complex and having to walk 15 minutes through the hospital to get to the L&D building. This brings up an interesting problem: does Den drop me off and go park the car, or do we park and go in together? Logically it makes more sense to drop off the laboring woman and go park and catch up later, but that leaves me without my husband for a good 10-20 minutes. I’m not so certain I like that idea. I guess we’ll have to figure that out when the time comes.

So when I’m in labor and I go to the hospital my first stop is the Registration desk. Pre-registration has already been completed for me by my Midwives (I asked), but you still have to check in there. Next stop is Triage (WITU or something?). We got a tour of triage. It’s on the first floor, and has two “pods” of four beds each. There was no one in there when we toured through (or they wouldn’t have let us actually into the pod). The pod is VERY similar to when I had my laparoscopy, the same kind of setup – one bathroom for the group of four “rooms”, and each room has only a curtain to pull across, it’s not really fully private. It was nice that it was familiar to me. There were monitors, of course, that they will hook you up to for a minimum of 20 minutes to check your contractions, and I assume they would also give an internal to check to see how far along you are. TG said to ask if you need anything at all to make yourself more comfortable… they can bring in rocking chairs, birthing balls, you can use the shower if you want to… she said most women in labor seem to just sit there waiting to be told what to do, lol, but that they want to make us as comfortable as possible. Interesting fact about Triage is that guess who covers it? My midwife group! Anyone else who comes into Triage, no matter who their care provider is, sees whichever midwife is on call. So I get to see the same provider throughout my stay, no strange OBs at all. That’s fabulous for me, especially knowing how positive my Midwife group is about natural birth and such.

Once they determine that I should stay – and TG said there is no set “rules” as to who gets admitted and who gets sent home, she said it depends on a lot of things. But if they determine that you ARE in full labor then you’ll probably get admitted. So they’ll transfer you from Triage up to the first floor, which are the LDRP (Labor/Delivery/Recovery/Postpartum) rooms. There are 37 private rooms. We got to tour two rooms – the room with the hydrotherapy tub, and one of the normal rooms. Now the hydrotherapy tub is interesting. There is only one room with a tub, so they do want to keep it open as much as possible. It is a fully equipped room, like the others, but you do not get assigned to it. If you wish to use the tub and it is open when you are admitted you get transferred to that room and have free use of it for as long as you wish. (If it is in use then you are shit out of luck.) At any time you can choose that you don’t like the tub and don’t want to use it at all anymore, at which point you get transferred back to a normal room (so they can clean and disinfect the tub and room for whomever else wants it). Or you can stay as long as you want. They do not “allow” you to give birth in the tub at this point in time (though they are trying to push through a policy change on that), but you can give birth in that room on the bed. After delivery you would again be transferred to a normal LDRP room for your postpartum stay. The good side is that, despite there being only one tub room, she said it is rarely ever in use! Most people choose epidurals or just have no interest in the tub, so it sits unused most of the time. (Of course the two other pregnant women I was touring with were also planning natural births, so we were all eyeing each other and asking, “So… when are you due?” LOL)

The “normal” LDRP rooms are what I would be staying in the entire time I was there, unless I have a c-section. Like I said, they are all fully private – and a pretty good size, too. There is a bed, a couch thing that folds out into a bed for the husband (though she said if it is uncomfortable they can bring in a cot for him instead), a desk, a TV, and a station for the bassinette/warmer/whatever that thing is they bring in for the baby. The lighting can be controlled from a remote attached to the bed, so you can dim them or turn them off or whatever you want to do. You can ask for a rocking chair or birthing ball. There is a private bathroom with a shower – the shower didn’t look too large, but it had a glass door, not some curtain thing. Also, what I thought was the coolest thing ever, they have available birthing bars!! When the bed breaks apart (the bottom half comes out to reveal a place for stirrups and space for catching the baby) there are two big metal holes in the lower half of the bed. So they can bring in a bar that fits into the bed, so you can hold yourself up to squat. How awesome!! (Oh, plus she said the stirrups are for when you’re getting stitched up, if need be – not for pushing.)

The LDRP floor used to have 3 nurseries. But apparently not many people actually use the nurseries anymore – everyone is rooming in. So one has become a conference room, another a storage room, and there is only one nursery left – and it didn’t have any babies in it, LOL. They are very encouraging of rooming in with baby, but TG said if you need a shower or whatever, they are happy to watch the baby for a little while for you! And she said you can write a note to put on the basinette stating “no pacifiers or bottles” if you are breastfeeding, and they keep a log of when baby has eaten last so they know baby has been fed and if they need to take baby back to you to nurse.

All in all the LDRP rooms are very nice, very comfortable looking, and I could easily see myself spending 2 days in there. There is also a menu, and mothers can order as much as they want, as often as they want, for free, during the kitchen’s open hours (closes at 7pm). Good stuff too, breakfast foods like pancakes and eggs and french toast, and sandwiches and soups and mmmmmm. So maybe staying in the hospital wouldn’t be such a horrible thing. ;) There is also a Friendly’s cafe that is open 24/7 (though it’s not in that building, it’s quite a hike across the hospital to get there, but that’s what husbands are for, right?), and you can bring your own food in. There is one kitchen on the LDRP floor, a small little room with a fridge and ice machine and snacks and drinks available.

As for other things provided… they provide mesh underwear and postpartum pads, but no toiletries. She also said that the pillows there are rather plasticy and it’s a good idea to bring your own.

The hospital is very pro-breastfeeding. On both the LDRP and C-section recovery floors there were display cases with breastfeeding paraphernalia and information arranged inside, as well as many pamphlets. TG said that the hospital’s Lactation Services offers 24-hour breastfeeding support. It is a group of IBCLCs. They have a line you can call to ask questions and get support; they visit every mother the day after giving birth to give help with breastfeeding; and they have a wide range of pumps and supplies available for sale or rental for cheaper than you can get elsewhere. They even do bra fittings. They strongly encourage all mothers giving birth to breastfeed. I will be calling them to ask them questions about my medication – why the Midwives didn’t suggest that, I’m not really sure.

Okay, so on that floor there is also an OR for c-sections (actually three ORs grouped together). We weren’t allowed to go traipsing through the OR, but she had a bunch of photos for us. Again, it looked very familiar, just like the laparoscopy OR (well, what I can remember of it – I was so loopy at that point I can really only remember bright lights…) and the retrieval/transfer suite. This may have been the strangest part of the tour for me – or at least the part that had me surprizing myself. Peeking through those doors and looking at those photos I felt perfectly calm about the idea of having a c-section. I used to be terrified of it. But I don’t know, having been through what I’ve been through already? I would like to avoid it, sure I would. But if Devin insists on coming out the same way he went in, I’ll be okay with that. Sure I’d be disappointed to miss out on the experience of birth, and I’m not fond at all of having to recover from surgery while having a new baby to look after. But I’m not scared anymore. My lap and my retrievals and transfers were all positive experiences for me (well, other than the fucking IV), and I’m quite sure I’ll be able to handle it.

If a c-section becomes necessary, she said they will take me in alone and make sure that everyone is stable before calling the husband is. She explained that they just want to make sure that there’s nothing dramatic going on because I guess partners can sometimes freak out when their baby or wife is in danger… imagine that. And the last thing they want is someone flailing about in there, getting in everyone’s way. Now I don’t think Den would do that – he’s not exactly the type to panic – but I understand their reasoning. I would just hope they’d bring him in quickly, because I would want him at my side.

After a c-section you are moved to the second floor, which is just for c-section recoveries. These are semi-private rooms – two beds per room. TG said they do their best to put one person per room, and IF they are full and have to double up they will assign you to a room that has a mother leaving that day or the next day so that you will have the room to yourself as soon as possible. Even after a c-section they will bring in a cot for your husband/partner and he can stay 24/7 with you. The baby can room in with you as well. But to be honest, the rooms looked much more like a hospital room. Very small and cramped (especially if you have a cot and baby basinette in there!), white, stark. A c-section post-partum stay is 96 hours (as opposed to the 48 hours after a vaginal delivery). I’m not so certain I would want to be stuck in that little room for that long.

The c-section recovery floor has a nursery as well, and there was actually a baby in this one. A precious little girl… OMG. I almost started crying. She was so beautiful and tiny and I just wanted to hold her in my arms. Devin’s going to be here soon and be just as small and precious – even MORE beautiful because he’ll be OUR baby, not someone else’s. Wow. That really got to me. Sniffle. A little bit of reality shock!

The hospital does offer to take “baby’s first photo” for you, it’s done through Our365. You can order announcements or photos through them. They’re rather pricey, though. As long as I can get a half-decent pic of Devin (or 300…) then I’m just going to do my own announcements for much cheaper. I guess it’d be nice if I had no clue how to get announcements, but being a graphics designer and hobbiest photographer… well, I just can’t see spending that much money on something I could do myself! (But gosh darnit are those announcements cute!)

I can’t remember if the NICU is on the second or third floor. One or the other. There is a NICU, the only level III NICU in the area – people transfer in all the time. There are no windows to the NICU so we didn’t get to see it – just murals of zoo animals in the hallways outside it. Down the hall was step-down, which did have windows…. for babies who aren’t so critical, but still need monitoring and care. I didn’t take a lot of notes at this point (because my feet were killing me and my mind was wandering), but I do believe she said that the hospital does offer “hotelling” for parents of babies in the NICU or step-down… for a fee you can stay in the hospital to be near them. Which is nice. I know the fact that the NICU is there is one of the reasons that Den insisted on this hospital.

And that’s as much as I can remember! I hope I haven’t forgotten anything already, lol. All in all I’m feeling VERY happy about this hospital. It was the one aspect of this birth that I didn’t have a say in, so I just kind of had my fingers crossed that it would be accepting of natural births and I made sure to prepare myself in case I ran into instances where their procedures differed from my wishes. But honestly, it sounds just wonderful. I’m sure not every nurse will be completely understanding, and not everyone there will share the same views, but it’s extremely reassuring to hear that the hospital’s normal policy and procedures are right in line with what I want. Takes a lot of pressure off. I may end up cutting a bunch out of my birth plan if I feel I don’t really need to repeat what they do anyways (as I know the shorter it is, the more likely it will be read).

I’m really starting to get excited about this birth. Maybe that’s an odd way to feel about labor. But yes, in a way it’s very exciting! It’s a huge turning point in my life, it’s a big obstacle to tackle… well, maybe not “obstacle,” but it’s certainly quite a life-changing experience. I’m preparing myself as best I can, I’m feeling very bouyed and encouraged by everything I’ve seen/heard/done so far, and I am really looking forward to experiencing it and getting to meet my baby boy.

… Still quite happy to wait another 2 months, though. Have a lot to do before I’m ready!

There are just no words to describe how sad I am for Mary Ellen and her husband. I am glad ME is doing better physically. But emotionally… their journey will be a long one.

This weekend was… interesting. I think I pushed myself a little too hard, and ended up paying the price for it. Friday I was at work all day, spending most of it on my feet. I do always try to take breaks and sit down in between being up, but my feet and legs still ache by the end of the day… I can feel this extra weight on me. Then after work I quickly drove home to change and my SIL and I went out to shop, which I did write about.

Saturday I was up early to cook breakfast for us before BIL showed up to work on the basement. I was okay emotionally when I got up, but my legs were freaking hurting. Just overuse, and then of course I had a crap night of sleep because they were tightening up, so in the morning I was a bit of a pickle. I decided, hey! Let’s take a bath. That worked last time. Yeah. Didn’t work so well. I drew the bath water (took forever) only to end up with a tub of lukewarm water and a large pot of water nowhere near boiling on the stove. Which led to meltdown #1 of the day. Den rubbed IcyHot on my sore legs while I attempted to calm down.

Unfortunately there was plenty to do, and no time for a nap (not that I could even have taken one at that point, still too sore). I ended up running to Home Depot a couple of times, which is always fun – pregnant woman wandering around Home Depot with a list that makes little sense to me. (I say “a couple times” because with my pregnant-brain I kept forgetting things!) I knew, logically, that I was simply feeling hormonal and emotional, but it was hard not to throw a hissy fit when I’m standing in the middle of the electrical aisle to buy electrical boxes and I’m staring at 3104 different types of electrical boxes (slight exaggeration). And of course cell phones don’t work all that well inside the fortress that is Home Depot, so I had to keep running (errr, walking slowly) to the front of the store to call Den and ask, “But which ONES?” So I was feeling very frustrated and still pretty sorry for myself on the way home. A song with a good beat came on the radio and I cranked it way up for fun – cranked up the bass too. Just like my brother in his car… it made me think of good times with my brother. I smiled. And then… thinking of my brother made me think of his dog, who just died a couple weeks ago. And suddenly I’m bawling as I’m driving. I call that meltdown #2 of the day.

Den had to apply some sealer to the basement, and I was warned to not be in the house while he was doing it… which worked out fine because I had that hospital tour to go on. Hour and a half spent mostly on my feet – they did let us sit when they could, but most of it was, you know, touring the hospital, which meant walking. Urk.

I did end up coming home and taking a nap. It helped tremendously… I woke up in a far better mood than when I went to sleep, which, trust me, we all appreciated. However I think the pets were on a secret Piss Mommy Off mission that day – they were all completely wired after having been confined all day due to the construction. Zeeke was being a total shithead… he was just so wound up with energy that he was actively looking for something bad to do: grab something off my desk, tip over a garbage can, harass the cat, bark bark bark, run off with something of mommy’s, try to eat mommy’s dinner, and so on. He was driving me NUTS. I was starting to get a little bit cranky. Nap or not, I was stilly achy and wanted to be left alone.

I decided, against my better judgement, to try the bath thing one more time. I put water on the stove ahead of time, drew the bath water. The whole time the dog kept running into the bathroom every chance he got. The cat too, he kept trying to climb INTO the bathwater, and I was repeatedly tossing him out of the damn room. (He does NOT take no for an answer. I don’t think it really penetrates his thick skull.) So the dog is running around being nuts, the cat won’t keep out of the bathroom, and the water, it is still lukewarm. I finally get a full bath, the water boils and we dump it in. I shut everyone out of the bathroom and get in the bath. Relaxing right? Well.. not quite. It still wasn’t warm enough, and it was cooling quickly. I still could have enjoyed it, if it weren’t for the fur floating all over. No matter how much I tried to pick out, the water still had this film of dust and fur and it was totally pissing me off. How the hell can I enjoy a nice bath like that? I can’t. I’m just sitting there naked in the bathtub getting more and more pissed off. Enter meltdown #3. I drained the bath and had a fecking shower. At least it was hot.

So that was my Saturday.

Sunday was better, for sure… but I still hadn’t gotten very good sleep overnight. In the morning I felt okay, but I could certainly feel that cranky hormonal self hiding just under the surface. Knowing we had a Superbowl party to attend that evening I decided (wisely, I might add) to have an extended nap mid-day to prepare myself. And this just shows how exhausted I have been lately with this crap waking-every-few-hours sleep: I took a nap in my bedroom, directly above where the men were working on the basement. Sawing, hammering, yelling over the radio, and every once in a while what literally sounded like a gun going off (some gun-hammer thing to drive nails into cement). And I slept through it all, for nearly 4 hours straight. Out COLD. I don’t think I’ve ever slept that deeply.

We were all grateful that I was awake and in a chipper-ish mood for the Superbowl party. (It still didn’t make the football any more interesting to me, though.)

::

I believe I put on more than a few pounds this past week. I’m not really sure why, as I haven’t drastically changed any of my habits or anything, but somehow this past week I gained over 3lbs, according to my weekly weigh-in on Saturday morning. And I know where it went to: my ass! It feels so irritating when I’m sitting in bed. Too much flubber back there, man.

I also think I’m going to be outgrowing my newest bras shortly. Cup size is doing okay, but they’re feeling aweful tight around the ribcage again. :sigh: My ribs must be expanding some more to make room for the little guy. I figure I’ll have to find a 40C? I know my boobs are growing – I know that a 40C is a larger cup than a 36C – but it’s a little irritating to be getting stretchmarks on my boobs when I’m still a C cup! I am now getting little stretchmarks above my nipples… before they were only below the nipples.

::

Can I just point out that today is February 5. Two calendar months until my due date. 60 days. Eeek! Today at work my supervisor was talking to me about when my replacement is going to start taking over some of my hours, and she asked if the end of the month was good. I looked at the calendar and thought for a moment, it’s a little earlier than I planned, but the way I feel now it’s definitely a good idea to have someone start taking over some of my hours soon. But then I realized we’re not talking the end of January, it’s February. Holy shit. We’re talking end of February, a month before my due date. Yeah… yeah, I’m definitely ready to give up some of my jobs, lol.

There are some things I’ll be keeping until the end, but I’m finding stuff like cleaning is getting harder and harder. Just bending over and squatting down gets more uncomfortable every week… feels like the baby gets shoved right up into my ribs every time I do it. It’s not like I can’t do things anymore… it just takes me longer to do them.

Plus I’m getting really burnt out with being so busy. :( I’m so freakin’ tired, I’m sleeping like shit, I have clients wanting their stuff done ASAP and my hours at work to put in. It’s a big juggling act, and I just feel so run down. I feel guilty for napping during the day, even though I know that I need it. I haven’t watched any TV at all in weeks – I don’t really have any interest in much TV, but there are a couple of shows that are saved on our DVR that I really want to catch up on, and I can’t seem to find the time to watch even one episode. I haven’t read even a few chapters of my lighthearted fluff novel since sometime last week. I have been even too tired to update this journal.

I’m ready for a break. There’s still a lot of stuff I want to get done before Devin arrives, I need to get the rest of my life in order, and I really really need to finish up my client projects so I can go on haitus. I was really hoping to have everything finished by March so I’d have time to rest and get things done. I hope I can still accomplish that.

::

Okay, I think my heartburn has subsided enough to attempt to sleep again. Here’s hoping.

Emotional roller-coaster is still running. I feel like on the outside I look normal, but inside I’ve been a mess. I’m not at that total breakdown stage… yet… and I’m still able to be chipper and happy and joking and go about my life. But there are frequent pauses where my emotions just turn to mush. I either get extremely irritable and want to snap my husband’s head off for little reason, or else something random just puts me on edge and I want to curl up in bed and hide from the world. The benefit of having dealt with depression for as long as I have is that I can recognize the signs of emotional instability in myself. I know when I first started feeling the depression it was like it had me, not the other way around. But now, after many years of medication and self-therapy (lots and lots of introspection) I feel much more detached from “it”. That’s how I feel about these pregnancy hormones. On one hand they’re happening to me and I can’t stop it – but on the other side I’m able to step back and watch it happening and say to myself, “This isn’t me.” Very useful.

Physically I’m doing much better. I decided not to reschedule my chiro appointment (Friday) because the pain I had was muscle aches from over-use… not nerve pain. So nothing the chiro could really do about it, you know? I just need to learn to take it easy on myself. It’s easy to forget I’m carrying around 15 extra pounds on me (give or take – the scale can’t make up its mind). I don’t know HOW it’s easy to forget, with this belly sticking out in front, but I guess some days I just feel so normal.

Speaking of weight… I’ve been doing very nicely in the weight gain department, gaining about a pound a week in a nice steady fashion. And then this past weekend my scale told me I’d gained over 3lbs in one week! I was really irritated by that. How does that even happen? No, I’m not really obsessing over my weight – or haven’t been at all. I do track it in a graph, because graphs make me feel good. And I don’t have any sort of arbitrary “goal” or “limit” set on myself, though I do have some numbers that I would like better than others, of course. If my body gains faster or more than I’d “like,” well, there’s not much I can do about it other than cut out the junk food that I sometimes eat. Otherwise I’m eating well and just trying to trust in my body to do it right.

I do know where those 3lbs went to, though – they’re all in my ass. I can feel it. Ugh.

(I just noticed, while looking at my graph, that there’s a pattern ever since week 20 when I started gaining weight. About once a month my weight jumps up multiple pounds in a week, then it drops and gains slowly… then another jump and drop. Huh. How weird.)

Really the only two physical complaints I have right now are the aching hips when I wake up – it feels like I’m sleeping on rock, not a soft cushy bed! – and the heartburn. But neither are totally oh-my-god horrible, either. The hips ache when I wake up, so I have to get up and walk around for a while to take the pressure off of them, then I’m fine. (Though they still feel bruised all day, if I bump them.) The heartburn is getting worse, and can really irritate me when I’m trying to sleep, but it’s pretty normal heartburn for 3rd tri and I can deal with it… sometimes it does require me sitting up in bed with my laptop for 3 hours at night when I’d rather be sleeping, but oh well.

It has taken me roughly 12 hours to write this entry (saving in drafts and coming back later) so I think I’ll post it now before my brain takes another major detour.

…. another meltdown. I sure hope this is just temporary or it is going to be a LONG two months.

Didn’t mean to leave you all hanging, wondering if I’d gone off the deep end for good this time. Today was actually a better day, I got a couple of things done, even cleaned and organized my desk (well…. most of it). No random bawling today… though I do find my eyes welling up at very random things, which is frustrating. My mind is yelling, “Oh get a grip!!” So I just try to tackle one thing after another which is so hard when I’m in a position like this, I find it hard to concentrate on “just this one thing” and instead end up getting very overwhelmed by the big picture. I just want to get a handle on my life before the baby comes. I want to set my affairs straight, I want to close out projects, I want to tidy everything up so it runs smoothly. This is being far more frustrating than I bargained for. I can’t – and won’t – get into it here, because I’m just frustrated beyond all heck some days. I can’t decide if thumping my head into a wall or burying it in sand would be more effective.

I did sleep for a long time while Den was at work. That was nice. And probably needed. Woke up all sweaty again – I know I had had some type of dream, but it was the kind that disappeared as soon as my mind surfaced. So both me and the sheets got washed. I do love love love the feel of clean sheets, but at this point it’s just frustrating too, knowing I’m going to have to wash them in a couple of days again!

Tidying up my desk was spent sitting in my desk chair, with a large box of papers on the floor beside me (I swept everything off my desk into the box, then started going through it piece by piece). I grunted every time I bent over to pick something up out of the box, feeling my belly smoosh against my legs. At one point I stood up to file something and this sharp almost-pain stabbed at my left side. I yelped a little and immediately my hand went to the site… and found a foot sticking WAY out. Dude, he was really shoving me hard! I pushed that little foot in and told him I was sorry for squashing him, but stop hurting mommy!

He’s been very active today… active while I was cleaning, while I was watching TV, even now as I’m laying here typing. Guess he’s not very sleepy today. It is just so funny watching my belly roll around, large bumps sticking up here and there. I just love it. Can get a little uncomfortable, but it’s just so reassuring.

The stretch marks on my boobs have now expanded to above my nipples. Just slightly.. a couple of very small stretch marks… but I can see them there. The Linea Nigra under my belly button is still there, but very very light. I can only really notice it in the right light. No stretch marks on the belly.

The blood flow issues, they continue to annoy me. I’ve mentioned before how I can’t sleep laying on an arm or anything, because it cuts off the blood flow and my hand goes numb. That’s understandable. It has gotten to the point now that I can’t sleep with my arm flopped over my head either (hand sort of up in the air)… my hand starts to go tingly. I’ve learned I basically need to sleep with all limbs at heart-level or below.

Some of my forum friends are getting to the point of having babies. This is kind of scary to me. I’m not far behind them, and I thought I had more time! Well, I probably do. I really really don’t expect to be going into labor before 40 weeks, though we shall see. But it’s a little freaky when they’re all getting the last few things done before baby actually arrives, and we haven’t set up anything yet… I’m just not ready to set things up yet!

I guess that’s what kind of weird about these last months. I could have two full months. I could have only one. That’s rather a large window!

Strangely, I am not really feeling much panic over the situation. I’m not going to get ready early “just in case.” If baby comes early, then we’ll come home and set up the cosleeper (which we have). The only thing we don’t have that we will really need very soon is the carseat… we have the cosleeper, the diapers, some baby clothes. I’ve got my boobs. We even have a blanket or two. So really, everything the baby needs. That takes a load off of my mind… just having those diapers sitting there in the box in the corner, knowing they’re there, and having the cosleeper also in a box in the corner.

Sometimes I feel guilty about all the “stuff” I’ve registered for. I did try to keep it down and not register for a lot of frills, but there are days when it all feels like frills. And you know… there’s a part of me that feels really guilty about having a shower. I love getting gifts and all, but I feel guilty that I’m asking people to come to a party and give us a gift. MIL called me today with some questions about the registry and I realized I’d just really rather not know about any of it. I’m not looking at my registries at all. Part of it is me wanting to be surprized. And part of it… yeah, that guilt thing. I don’t want to sit here and think about how much people are spending on us (because I’ll think it was too much!).

I am really looking forward to my shower, though. I’m so glad Den’s going to be there. And Kel!! I think I am MOST excited about Kel coming to visit. I can’t believe it’s in only a week! Wow. Aint that crazy.

After sleeping in all week until at least 10am, today I had a midwife appointment at 9:30 and a chiropractor appointment at 11:15. I was up at 7am, getting some emails sent and starting my day. I even packed a lunch for work, knowing that I tend to eat crap while there. I had everything loaded into my car by 9:00, including my laptop. I started the car and there was a little bit of ice on the windows, so I got out to scrape them.

And that fucking car had locked its doors. I don’t know why, I don’t know how, but I do know that all four doors were locked and I was NOT getting in. Inside the car, along with everything else, was my cellphone. I did however have a housekey in my pocket… not that that did me a lot of good, as we do not have a house phone. I emailed Den, but he’s normally busy during the day and doesn’t always get emails soon as you send them. So I did what any normal pregnant woman would do in that situation: I started sobbing.

Trying to stay calm and think clearly while obviously panicking… not an easy thing to do. I waited a few minutes to chill out, then walked next door to the neighbor’s house… they’ve helped me out before. And they have a phone. But no one was home.

I was standing on their front porch with red-rimmed eyes, looking completely dejected and at a loss, when the neighbor pulled into her driveway. She rolled down her window and asked what was the matter. I explained and she handed me her cellphone and invited me into the warm car. So I called Den and blurted out the situation – car running, doors locked, doctor appointment in 20 minutes, panic, panic, don’t know what to do. Den said he was coming home right away to take me to my appointment – which totally wouldn’t work, I said, because it takes him 20 minutes just to get home, and it’s another 30 minutes to the hospital. Neighbor says, “Oh, don’t worry about it – I’ll take you!” and before I know it, she’s pulled out of her driveway and driving me to the hospital. (We have VERY nice neighbors. They will be getting a thank-you gift.) Den said he was going to go home anyways and try to break into the car. Or something. I left it in his hands. Thank the light for husbands, that’s all I can say.

What a way to start a morning, I tell you. I show up 15 minutes late to my appointment, with no wallet, no notebook, no nothing. It felt very odd being there empty-handed like that. Thank goodness they don’t need to see an insurance card or copay or anything or I’d really have been up the creek. My neighbor dropped me off, then came and found the waiting room after parking the car. She sat with me while I waited. We chatted. I felt bad for her that I had to wait as long as I did before I got called in.

The appointment started like any other. Weight (157.2lb), blood pressure (119/70 – not suprizing it was higher than normal!), pee in a cup. Go sit in a room by yourself for a while with nothing to do except concentrate on not farting horrifically. (Lovely pregnancy side-effect there.)

The midwife came in, introduced herself. I’d never met this particular one before, and I really liked her. She flipped through my file, asked me a couple of questions about how I was doing. Hahah. Yeah. I told her about my morning… and I told her that I’ve been much more emotional this week than I usually am. She asked if I was still on the same dose of Celexa (yes) and if I felt like this was the depression worsening or not. I told her honestly, no, I think it’s just trying to get everything done, pregnancy hormones, and generally being overwhelmed. She agreed with me on that and was quite satisfied that I knew what I was talking about. She did mention Celexa and breastfeeding… she actually pulled out a PDA and looked up Celexa. She too agreed that it was far more risky to switch my drugs than to breastfeed while on Celexa.

Anyhow, when we were done with our chat I hopped up on the table for a quick belly exam. The heartrate was good, same as usual – sounded funny, she said, because he was facing my back, so not as clear reception. But the beat itself was nice and strong. She pulled out one of those little tapemeasure things and measured my fundal height.

I got off the table and sat back down in a chair and she says I’m measuring a little behind… I havent shown much growth. I ask just what I measured? 28cm, she says. She pointed out it can be off by a cm or two, but at 4cm lower than it should be…. well she wants me to have an ultrasound done to check on the baby’s growth. She tells me to sit tight and walks out to check on ultrasound availability.

Twitch. Okay, so everything is probably just fine. Lots of things can affect fundal height, right? She said so herself. Maybe my stomach muscles are tight and holding things in. (I nearly laughed at her when she said that.) Maybe the baby is just laying in a funny position.

She comes back and tells me that the ultrasound techs are booked solid and running behind, but they can get me in at 2pm, can I come back? Well let’s see… having to drive back to the hospital in the middle of my already-full work day… or wait until Monday and have all weekend to stress over it. YES PLEASE, 2pm works perfectly. No problems coming back. Nope. And off they sent me on my way.

When my neighbor dropped me off at home my car was off, unlocked, and the keys were safely in the house. Den was gone. I had no idea what he did, but he saved the day. Thank you, thank you, thank you!! (Later I found out he’d pried my window open a bit and shoved a piece of wood down inside to press the window-down button. So in the end, having my car being ON and locked is what saved us. Had it been off we would have still been up shit creek.)

I called Den on my way to the chiro and thanked him… and then had to tell him about the possible problem with the baby. There was silence and, “What does that mean?” Well… I don’t know, honestly. Den decided to come to the ultrasound appointment with me. I had kind of expected he’d want to be there… not just for a chance to see the baby, but, you know, if there was something wrong… well he’d want to be there.

So 2:00 found me back at the hospital with my husband, sitting in the waiting room making small talk and jokes and trying not to think of bad things. I refused to let myself think of bad things. I had 99.9% confidence it would turn out to be nothing. Den… Den was scared. Trying not to show it, but he was scared.

We were shown into an ultrasound room, I hopped up on the table. The U/S tech said, “So they’re worried about baby being small, huh?” Squirted goo on my belly and put down the wand. In a matter of minutes she had measurements of his head, belly, and femur. “Baby’s not small,” she says. Relief!! Calculations place his weight at 3lb 14oz, right where he should be at this time. Sounds perfect to me. She takes a few more pictures… measures his heartrate (149), gets some photos of his spine (“Apparently last time he didn’t want to show his back”), goes back to the face. Which was down low. He’s definitely head-down, she confirmed.

So she’s trying to get a picture of his face, she’s jiggling the wand around. She switches to another, larger wand, and goes back to where his head is, jiggling him and cajoling him. “Come on baby, turn your head! Let me get a picture!” Nope. He didn’t want to. She had me lay on my right side. She had me lay on my left side. She had me sit up for a while. She tried for quite some time, but this baby was NOT going to let her peek at his face.

After a little while I figured out what the big wand was…. it’s a 3-D scanner. She’d hold the wand still and press a button, and the screen would scan in and up would pop a 3-D image! Unfortunately most her scans captured… well, not much. Random blobs of things. She tried again and again to scan his profile for us, but the kid was being totally obstinate. She said his hand was covering his face, pushing at the wand… and his feet were kicking at it too. Plus he wouldn’t turn his face towards the wand for anything.

In the end she got a couple of body part photos for us – which is far more than we expected to walk out with! Den was simply giddy with relief and the photos that we did get. I walked out still feeling rather dazed by the day. I can’t say I’m not a little excited to have some 3-D photos of him. I can’t say I’m not a little disappointed that we couldn’t get a photo of his face. But after everything that happened today… the car keys and the rushing around late for everything and the scare that something may be wrong with his growth… I don’t know. I still feel a little numb. And exhausted, to tell the truth. As excited as I am to have gotten another, unexpected glimpse of my baby, I’m upset that we had to have an ultrasound at all.

Here’s the photos that we did get…

The hand that kept pushing us away

A foot

An ear

And this was the best we could get of his face… the tech cleverly cut out some of the matter that was obscuring his face and revealed pouty lips and a wide nose.

I feel so emotionally drained. What a week.