This probably means nothing other than the fact that my body still thinks it’s a teenager, but I have a huge mountain of a zit on my chin. It hurts. And it’s very annoying, because my face was just almost clear. I’ve been on Proactiv for a month, and you can definitely tell that my face is clearing up. But not totally, obviously… every time I think it’s all clear and ready to start healing, something like this explodes. And of course where there’s one there’s many… it’s a little chain reaction and it takes forever to get them back under control.

Light I hope my acne doesn’t get worse during pregnancy. Because seriously, I don’t know if my face can handle it. Poor thing’s already pockmarked all to hell with scars.

I test tomorrow morning. And I am so fricking nervous. I feel like I should have done in this morning when I thought about it, because at least then there was no lead-up. I napped all day to pass the time (and to keep warm), but now it’s closing on 9pm and I feel sick with anxiety. I don’t know what to expect, I don’t know if I should get my hopes up, I don’t know how I’m going to handle it if it’s negative again.

I just want to see that line. Please, please, let me see that little line. Make me believe again.

Oh this is getting bad. It’s 2am. I want to get up at around 6am to test – not before, I want that pee to concentrate like hell. But, not only can I not sleep… my mind is racing like crazy… but I have to pee! Uggghhh. Four hours left. O.O I guess I shouldn’t have napped today… I’m totally wired, but if I get up I will have to use the bathroom which will just make my wait longer! Bored bored bored.

If I believed in a god I’d be praying so hard right now. As it is I am sending out wishes to the stars and the wishing stone and fairies and anything that will listen to me.

Well… at least I know. Every second that ticked by my shoulders slumped a little more. The control line got nice and dark. Nothing else did. It always amazes me every month, how stark white a test can be. 4 eggs, good progesterone, and nothing. In essence, four normal months of trying, nothing. What the hell is wrong? How can getting pregnant be THIS difficult when there is NOTHING wrong?

Not crying though. Big part of me is just resigned to BFNs every single month and expects it. I do feel very hollow inside.

I ordered pizza and reactivated my World of Warcraft account. That was Den’s suggestion, the gaming – he thinks I need something to occupy myself, and he’s not wrong.

I do feel okay today. The pets are all being extra clingy today, except Zeeke who is an assmunch like normal. I went and layed down on the futon in Den’s office for a while, and Zoe curled up against my stomach. I don’t know if she picks up on my moods or not, but she absolutely loves getting attention and I’ve been giving her a lot today. Whatever my mood she’s always my shadow, follows me everywhere. Whatever I’m doing, wherever I am in the house, I can always count on her to be at hand. Currently she’s laying on the floor behind my desk. The cats, too, are being affectionate – napping on my lap, following me around, taking over my desk to “help” me with typing. It really helped me, because the pets make me feel like a mama. I am their mama.

I do feel angry though. Angry that this keeps happening, angry that it feels like I will never see two pink lines on a pregnancy test. Maybe angry is to harsh… just frustrated.

I’m still really fighting to not blame myself for any of it. The thoughts creep in – maybe if I’d eaten better, maybe if I hadn’t used my laptop on my lap so much, maybe if I didn’t lift so much at work… but those just don’t affect implantation.

But I am blaming Den’s sperm for not being able to read a map and find their way to the egg. It’s Den’s and my little joke.

Just curious – is major moodswings a symptom of pregnancy? Cause man, I am totally on the wire today. Granted a bunch of shitty things happened – but I totally lost it because I couldn’t find the packing tape. Yes, I was under a time crunch and I just bought it and now I still can’t find it – but I was just furious.

Meh, I’m probably PMSing.

Driving to and from my meeting tonight I could feel something weird in my stomach. Not my usual “heavy” pre-AF feeling, but like little uncomfortable twinges. I kept “checking in” with it to see if it had moved, gotten worse, changed, etc. I finally told Den that “I feel weird.” I kept telling myself that it was probably not a good sign – but part of me whispered that cramping could be good, too.

So I checked in the bathroom. I wanted so much to be able to post about cramping and no spotting. But… not to be. Tinge of pink in my CM. Just the way it always starts. And I can definitely say that the cramping is getting heavier. I had just totally forgotten that today was 13dpo – the evening I usually get AF. I thought it was a day earlier for some reason.

Would it be silly to say I felt a kind of peace as I stared at the spot of pink? Just a feeling of… well, at least there’s no more guessing.

AF never showed. I woke up from a dream in which I’d gotten AF. I made a calculated run to the bathroom to find… nothing. Not a spot. I almost forgot to pee in a cup, but I remembered halfway through. Took another HPT… it was negative. So today will tell? I feel like AF will hit me any minute.

I just looked over all my past charts. The only times I spotted without getting my period immediately afterwards was my first and second cycles off the pill – I had some pre-AF spotting. But every other chart I spotted, I got AF, almost always within hours. So where is AF?? I even walked around the mall for a little bit today (christmas presents for my family, UGH, they are so frustrating!). La la la. Going to go eat lunch now.

o.O This is just very weird. And the cramping I had yesterday makes it much weirder. That never happens either.

(And I’m hesitant to even post this, because every time I post, “Wow this is unusual! It’s a good sign!” AF arrives.)

I am feeling some very light cramps again. Uterus-cramps, not cervix-cramps.