I was talking with Den last night about this and that, and his trip to Hawaii came up. Business trip. I had a chance to go with him, but that would mean paying for my flight, as well as someone to watch the dogs for two weeks. Which are both way out of our affordable range. Just the flight itself is more than we can afford to pay right now. So we decided I’d stay home with the dogs, and he’d go off and do the conference thing, and I’d try not to die of jealousy. Though, I’ve been to Hawaii multiple times before, so I can’t get too jealous. ;)

Well last night this came up again and I said, “Shit. Shit!!” He leaves on September 9th, the saturday after labor day weekend. My brain had clued in and started thinking, I am supposed to get my period only days before labor day weekend vacation… which means… I ovulate two weeks later… while he’s away. September 12th, to be exact. So I started cursing and Den didn’t understand why. I explained it to him. There was silence. “Come with me?!” Still not an option, for previously mentioned reasons.

So I guess we hope that the sperm are super-sperm and manage to live inside me for several days until I ovulate. And hope I ovulate early. Or, we can just hope that I get pregnant in August so that ovulation in September is besides the point. Because I would be so seriously pissed off to miss an entire month.

At the cat shelter where I work we have some old, sickly cats that get special food and medicines. One of the cats gets a jar of chicken-flavored baby food every day.

Let me tell you, I will never feed my kid that except under the threat of death, and even then I’d have to seriously think about it first. It’s all I can do to only gag and not toss my cookies right into the sink.

Pureed chicken in a jar. Not a good thing.

Den came to bed cranky tonight. I was on the laptop in bed, just surfing. When he layed down beside me I picked up the laptop and showed him some baby pictures I was looking at (ie, squealing over). He looked at them blankly. When I pulled the laptop back he said, “Let me see again.” I showed him, waiting for a comment. Flatly he said, “Nope… still not mine.” And then he rolled over to go to sleep.

:( Sometimes I think he takes this ride harder than I do. He just internalizes it.

Measurements for today, since Den said I’m looking trimmer (measurements don’t weigh that out):
Waist: 28.5″
Hips: 40.25″

Edit: Den says I’ve been measuring this all wrong and that my actual measurement is 34″. I don’t want to hear that.

Edit2: I looked it up online. “Measure mid-way between the top of your hip bone and the bottom of the rib cage.” Another site: “As a rough guide, your waist is the narrowest part of your trunk, or approximately 1 inch above your belly button.” Which is exactly what I was doing. Den was measuring overtop of the top of my hip bone. So there!

Timing is not going well this month. We’ve never had this problem before, but with me now working we’re finding it hard to dredge up the energy to have sex. It’s mostly me – I’ve been SO tired in the evening by the time we get home that I’m falling right to sleep before he gets to bed. We tried morning nookie, but that didn’t work out either. So today we have a “date” – and if that doesn’t happen, we’re sunk this month! I’m already cd13.

I took a quiz in Body+Soul magazine the other night, in an article about acne. It pegged me as a “hormonal acne” sufferer. Which makes sense, since all this acne I have happened since I went off the pill – I mean, I’ve always dealt with acne, but I feel like my face exploded. I currently have a big one to the right of my nose, two more popped up the same day on my left cheek, and a big sore one behind my left ear! All in the last two days. :( Waahhh.

Well it worked, so we’re covered. ;) Whew. I’m expecting ovulation tomorrow or tuesday. Then it’s waiting… again. (I mean, really, other than bleeding and making sure I have sex with my husband, what else is there?)

Dear Baby,

I’m hoping you are being conceived right this very minute – or at least in the next few days. Nothing would make me happier.

One day, when you feel like the world is a crappy place and you are angry with me, you are going to say, “I didn’t ask to be born!” (I know, because I used it myself on more than one occassion.) But you know what – I did. Me and your daddy both. And I’ll probably needed to be reminded of that fact a few times. But be nice about it, because believe it or not your mom’s a very sensitive person.

Maybe someday I will let you read all my writing, and you’ll be amazed at what we went through to have you. (And you’ll also say, “Eewwww, MOM, I don’t want to know about you and dad having sex!” Sorry kiddo, that’s just how it works.)

Love, Mama

I did not need to read this.

Not.

Well, no sex again yesterday… or the day before. I’ve been so tired. Last night I just went to bed at 9pm, way before Den goes to bed. He was busy. And of course I fell asleep. So when he came to bed and snuggled up to me, asking if possibly any sex was in his immediate future my initial reaction was to think, Don’t touch me, let me go back to sleep! Okay, so that was my only reaction, though I didn’t quite say that outloud. He mumbled a bit about hating the pillow he’s using, and I pretended I didn’t hear him because I don’t want to give the good pillow up. And I fell back asleep.

I feel a little bit of guilt/panic over that, because I don’t know when I’m ovulating?? Probably was yesterday. But I don’t know that for sure. So we should have had sex. But man, we need to start putting our focus on that at a time of day other than when I’m dead asleep.

But then I think, every other month we’ve been having sex every other day or even every day, and it hasn’t done diddly squat. So maybe this will make the difference? Hopefully.

On a completely non-parenting/TTC/Pregnancy forum the topic came up, someone mentioned they (married couple) were starting TTC. Me and someone else wished them luck and pointed them towards Fertility Friend and TCOYF. What struck me, beyond the obvious hope and excitement, was the expectation. Just like I had when we started. You think, at most, it will take 3 months to get pregnant. A fall baby is good, yes, this is a good time to start. You rarely see someone starting TTC saying, “Well our long-term plan, if we don’t get pregnant…” You just don’t see it. People think that you stop birth control, you get pregnant. Easy as that.

Someone replied to the thread with some advice. And then laughed about how she went off birth control and weeks later was pregnant. She said her husband was disappointed because he wanted to “have more fun trying.” I know the comment was not directed to me in any way, and was in no way intended to be hurtful or annoying – but it just made me twitch. It brought back to me Den’s relatives shrugging off my concerns when I mentioned that it had been months and months with no pregnancy by saying, “Enjoy trying!” It’s an insulting statement, and I can’t quite put my finger on why.

Maybe because it dismisses all the pain that we’re feeling, instead telling us that this should be enjoyable and fun. I really get my nose out of joint when people from the outside of my life tell me how and what I should be enjoying. It’s like my mother trying to convince me that using phones is fun and that I am simply crazy for having panic attacks when trying to use them. It diminishes my feelings.

And also, it rubs in what others have and we do not. Those who say “enjoy it!” are ones who got pregnant quickly, with no clue what a mess this TTC thing can be. Similar to statements such as, “He just needs to look at me and I get pregnant!” it further points out that for some people it’s an easy thing. It makes it obvious that we are not “normal.” As many TTCers, I really don’t like to be reminded how easy it is for other people to get pregnant.

Part of me is frustrated that so many people are completely oblivious to all of this, and I wish they could understand. On the other hand, I am glad that others don’t need to go through this. I’m sure, when I finally do get pregnant, it will all fade for me as well and I can stop twitching at innocent comments.