On a completely non-parenting/TTC/Pregnancy forum the topic came up, someone mentioned they (married couple) were starting TTC. Me and someone else wished them luck and pointed them towards Fertility Friend and TCOYF. What struck me, beyond the obvious hope and excitement, was the expectation. Just like I had when we started. You think, at most, it will take 3 months to get pregnant. A fall baby is good, yes, this is a good time to start. You rarely see someone starting TTC saying, “Well our long-term plan, if we don’t get pregnant…” You just don’t see it. People think that you stop birth control, you get pregnant. Easy as that.

Someone replied to the thread with some advice. And then laughed about how she went off birth control and weeks later was pregnant. She said her husband was disappointed because he wanted to “have more fun trying.” I know the comment was not directed to me in any way, and was in no way intended to be hurtful or annoying – but it just made me twitch. It brought back to me Den’s relatives shrugging off my concerns when I mentioned that it had been months and months with no pregnancy by saying, “Enjoy trying!” It’s an insulting statement, and I can’t quite put my finger on why.

Maybe because it dismisses all the pain that we’re feeling, instead telling us that this should be enjoyable and fun. I really get my nose out of joint when people from the outside of my life tell me how and what I should be enjoying. It’s like my mother trying to convince me that using phones is fun and that I am simply crazy for having panic attacks when trying to use them. It diminishes my feelings.

And also, it rubs in what others have and we do not. Those who say “enjoy it!” are ones who got pregnant quickly, with no clue what a mess this TTC thing can be. Similar to statements such as, “He just needs to look at me and I get pregnant!” it further points out that for some people it’s an easy thing. It makes it obvious that we are not “normal.” As many TTCers, I really don’t like to be reminded how easy it is for other people to get pregnant.

Part of me is frustrated that so many people are completely oblivious to all of this, and I wish they could understand. On the other hand, I am glad that others don’t need to go through this. I’m sure, when I finally do get pregnant, it will all fade for me as well and I can stop twitching at innocent comments.