So yesterday was one of those pregnancy-induced meltdown moments. I was making a longer trip to visit some friends that we don’t see too often. Den usually drives, and even then it’s been a couple years since we went to their house. I had an address, but when my google navigation said “You are at your destination” and I, err, wasn’t, well, that’s when it started going hinky. I was pretty certain I was on the right road though, so I just kept driving, following the house numbers up until I got to the number I had written down. It didn’t exist. I called my SIL, but she wasn’t home to look it up for me. I saw a house that looked vaguely familiar so I pulled in, relieved. Took Kate out of the truck. Grabbed my stuff. Took about 10 steps towards the house… and then stopped. Looked at it again. No…. that is definitely NOT the right house. Back to the truck, strapped Kate back in… and she freaked out crying. we’d been in the car for 45 minutes already, and she was fine until I took her out and then put her back in. Bad mistake.

So that’s about when I started crying and called my husband. I’m stressed out, I can’t find the stupid house, and Kate is wailing in the back seat. And really I knew there was no need for freaking out, I just had to get their number from Den and call, no big deal, but it was like something in my poor little brain broke and I just wanted to start sobbing. So bizarre.

Den called his friend, who went to the end of the driveway so I could find it. 5 minutes later I’m there. Took me a little bit to get Kate calmed down, though.

The rest of the day went great. Kate was really too busy to eat much of the food, but she really had a good time playing with their 6 year old. She thought he was pretty cool with the balloon throwing and trucks and games and stuff. Plus they have a bird (in a large glass enclosure) and fish, both of which utterly mesmerized her. She was funny and charming and didn’t want to leave!

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Between going to that friend’s yesterday and going to a playgroup and Walmart today we have found enough to keep ourselves occupied. She has been a very silly goof the last couple days, apparently trying to make me forget about how naughty she can be climbing things. Well it’s working. I can’t not laugh when she’s walking around the living room staring at the ceiling and then collapsing on my leg giggling. A friend gave her a bunch of plastic play food so today’s favorite words were “GAPE!” (grape) “BaNAna!” and “Bro-kee!” (broccoli). She especially is in love with the grape bunches and sat in her chair watching TV with them and carried them around all day. It’s funny seeing how excited she is about what seems like such a simple thing. But that seems to be the way of it – the fancy toys hold her attention only so long. The simple block shape sorter, shopping cart and megabloks have seen daily use for months. And of course the books. Always the books.

She has really started shouting “MAMA!” to get my attention now, which is still cute and not yet annoying. Especially since when I look at her and say, “Yes baby?” she makes her big silly grin and laughs, which makes me just want to go straight over and tickle her. (And often I do.) She’s also started repeating “Yuv yoo” which is about the sweetest thing ever.

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The pets, on the other hand, have made the last few days extremely frustrating. The dogs have decided that barking is their only means of entertainment outdoors, so when I let them out to do their business 2 minutes later all I hear is raucous barking from the fenceline and I have to go back downstairs to cuss them out and put them back in the basement. (Something about snow… I swear they do this every time it snows.) One night the dog was sick throwing up and I had to clean puke out of his crate twice, that was super fun. Then the cat kept throwing up his dinner on the carpet (always the carpet, not the linoleum… that would be too easy).

Yesterday one of the cats got out the front door, and I just stood there waiting for a few minutes. It’s below freezing out, there’s snow and ice on the ground, and it’s a very fat, spoiled indoor cat. A minute later he came scrambling up the front steps and back into the house. He spent a good 15 minutes licking his paws. I keep telling him he doesn’t want to go out there, he keeps trying.

Then today the propane was delivered at 8:30am – which, if you know anything about me, you know is before my wake-up time. The propane truck I can ignore; the dogs barking 4 feet away from my ear at said propane truck I cannot. So then after I let the dogs out for their morning pee break one of them wouldn’t come back inside. He always comes when Den calls him, but with me he shoots me a look and walks the opposite direction. So fine, I left him outside while we went to the playgroup for an hour. I came home to find him in the FRONT yard, waiting for me. Propane delivery guy didn’t shut the goddamn gate again. I’d blame the snow, but they never EVER latch the gate (yes, we are getting pissed). Thankfully the dog was all excited to see me and ran straight in the front door and I didn’t have to go chasing him around the neighborhood.

Fun times, fun times. Now Den’s flight is majorly delayed and he doesn’t expect to get home until 2am. I’m willing to bet the dogs will start barking when he arrives, waking me and possibly Kate up as well. Yep. Should be fun…

Holy cow toddlers are tiring when you are the only one on duty all the time. Den is away on a short business trip right now and the evenings are just so hard! I’m used to handing her off for at least a little bit – not literally, but at least knowing that someone else is in the room watching her so I can actually do the dishes or make dinner or whatever it is I need to do. Today I was chopping onions and garlic while running into the living room every ten seconds to see what the heck she was doing now. (This climbing phase is kind of scary!) I tried occupying her in the kitchen with me, but that failed. I’m trying to avoid turning on the TV every time I need to do something, but man. It’s hard.

The food/water thing really is driving me crazy right now. I am so confused. She asks for food then refuses to eat it. But then asks for food. And refuses to eat that. And asks for cheerios, but I am not giving her cheerios if she won’t eat anything else. Last time I ate chili on a salad I gave her chili in a bowl. She did not want her chili in a bowl, she wanted my chili on a salad. Okay, fine. I fed her from my bowl (or at least faked it really well). She ate it happily. So this time I was smart! I made chili on a salad for her, too. I gave it to her. “No.” Ummm. Okay. I offer her a bite of mine. “No.” Errr. What? I finally convinced her to eat a bite of mine. Then she proceeded to pick the lettuce off of every forkful I offered her. Not to discard it – to eat it. She ate JUST the lettuce. She absolutely refused to eat the beans or meat. What the heck??? What kid does that?!

She won’t eat any fruit right now. Strawberries, pears, peaches, oranges – all previous favorites, all refused at first sight. I even mixed yogurt with pear chunks as a “new food” – which she took a bite of. Then she made a horrified face and refused to open her mouth again. Oh, I take that back, she will eat apple… but only with peanut butter, the way I eat it. Plain apple slices like she used to eat like crazy are dropped to the floor.

The dumping of water continues. I can only give her water or milk while I’m standing there, and the very second she is done drinking and makes a move to dump the cup or make a mess with the sippy I take it away from her. I have cleaned up a LOT of water and milk in the last three days.

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Today it snowed pretty hard so we stayed in all day. That’s a long day for both of us, I usually try to at the very least run an errand or something to get us out. But we found some ways to keep busy. I brought in a tub of snow for her to dig in with her shovel. I love snow; it’s fully edible and doesn’t stain anything. I just have to mop up water when she’s done. So she had fun with that for a while. I brought up an old toy from the basement (which sadly did not hold her interest for very long, damn). We read books. She stuck stickers in her art pad (she apparently loves stickers now that she’s figured out the trick to them!). She took a long bath and played in the water. She also took a very nice 2 hour nap, which I appreciated. So really it wasn’t a bad day! I didn’t have the energy to actually bundle us both up to go outside, but I did that yesterday in the inch we had already. She enjoyed that until the big dog knocked her down in the snow, then she changed her mind.

Why does it always snow when Den is away? I remember when he went on a week long trip the December I was pregnant with Kate. “It won’t snow,” he said, rolling his eyes at me. It snowed. This time he left off the eye roll. It still snowed. I guess he’s just not allowed to go away December through February anymore. We do live in Massachusetts, after all. (Not that these storms are really a big deal. I still get highly amused by how efficient everything is. Snow falls, plows come through an hour later, everyone snowblows their driveway, people continue on their business.)

I apparently just don’t grow quiet babies in utero. It’s funny to me because I thought Devin was so active, but I think both the girls outrank him in terms of activity and force. Ember’s movement is becoming quite regular and predictable already. Every morning when I wake up it takes me a while to move, and as I’m stretching and trying to convince myself to get out of my nice warm bed she always kicks me at least a few times. It’s a nice little “good morning!” During the day I’ll feel a few kicks here and there, but it’s in the evening after I eat dinner that she really has fun. If I’m on my feet here and there then she’ll stay quiet until I put Kate to bed and sit down. But at some point every evening when I finally rest she turns on the party dance. Thump. Thump. Thump. My belly visibly jumps now. And her kicks are almost always on my right side. Once in a while I’ll feel big kicks on my far right side at the same time as I feel little pokes on my lower left, which must be hands. I figure she must be transverse at this point… I know Devin was at this stage, and Kate possibly was too (but I forget).

I had an appointment today with the midwives, and as usual it was very smooth and uneventful, other than Kate trying to climb everything in the exam room. My blood pressure measured a little high because Kate would not sit still and was wiggling and kicking her way off my lap as the machine measured it, so I wrote that one off. Surprisingly my weight was only 138, which according to them puts me at about a 13lb gain total (lower than I expected). Kate sat on my legs as I layed on the exam table while the midwife used the doppler and we heard the heart beating away in there – Kate looked rather perplexed by the oddity of the whole thing! (Still such an awesome sound – even though I felt her moving just a little bit prior.)

She did mention that the letter of recommendations from the high-risk doctor (written right after Devin died) mentioned growth ultrasounds, though it was up to me. I actually wasn’t keen on the idea of monthly ultrasounds, both because they give me serious anxiety and the risk of seeing something random that makes me worry more. But at the same time it really is nice to know for sure that baby’s growing on track. So we’ve scheduled an ultrasound for around the end of my first trimester, and another one around the time when we lost Devin (35/36 weeks). Hopefully that’s all I’ll need and everything will be fine, but if anything is concerning then obviously I’d be monitored more closely.

The more I realize how grown-up Kate is the more I look forward to having a newborn again! I was looking through Kate’s old pictures and it was really tugging at my heartstrings, so sweet and cuddly! I’m still a little nervous about having another little one, about Kate not being my only focus of attention, but that’s pretty normal worries for people having another kid.

I do think Kate will be great, though. Kate loves babies. Her little friend (7 months old) was visiting the other day and Kate crouched down in front of the car seat to talk to her in toddler-speak, rock the carseat, and then try to give her a paci and a toy. It was so adorable! I’m starting to really picture her being the big sister, helping out and being a little mother hen. I really think Ember is going to adore having a big sister like her!

So here’s me at 22 weeks. Hopefully I don’t look too exhausted.

Holy smokes Kate is exhausting lately! Ever since discovering running and climbing she just never wants to sit still.

She’s started using furniture as step-stools to reach things. She’s very quick at moving a chair across the room and using it to climb. She started climbing into her highchair when she’s hungry, which doesn’t sound bad in and of itself except for the fact that I have always left the tray on the highchair. So she climbs onto the tray, turns around, then into her chair feet-first. Well one day we were cooking dinner and heard a crash and THUMP and wail. We turn around to find Kate and the tray on the floor! It’s not made to hold a toddler. So we have to take the tray off and keep it elsewhere, but she’s still trying to climb into the highchair all the time.

I ended up bringing our strap-on booster seat into the house the other day and she found it, dragged it into the living room, and sat in it asking for cheerios. I figured maybe it would be safer to have a booster at the table than the tall highchair – at least she can climb up into the booster safely on her own. So that’s what I’ve been using the last two days. And I’ve realized that it just creates new problems. She’s obsessed with climbing on and off the booster. So she gets there, grabs the tray off the table, snaps the tray on (?!), asks for food. That part is fine, I don’t mind that. I give her some food. She eats two bites, then says, “No,” and tosses the rest on the floor. I grimace and take off the tray. She worms down while I set to cleaning up the food. Then the moment her feet touch the ground she’s climbing back into the chair and trying to put the tray on again. If I ignore her she’ll start yelling “stuck!” because she can’t get the tray off herself.

Some meals, like breakfast and dinner, she’s fine sitting in the chair for a while, strapped in with food. She still will dump food on the floor and bang her sippy cup upside down to make a mess that way, but she’s okay sitting and eating when she’s hungry. But the rest of the day? Lunch and snacks? Forget it. I’ve started giving her a cup of crackers or cheerios and letting her sit in her chair watching Sesame Street. Of course then I turn around 5 minutes later to find cheerios all over my carpet because she won’t just sit still to eat them, she has to climb all over her little chair in the living room.

The sippy cup thing, by the way, is getting really annoying. She’s known for a long time how to get the water/milk out by banging it, but now she’s chewed the spouts enough that liquid comes out faster and she does it every single damn time I give her a sippy cup. And when I say, “Katherine! No! Messy!” she gives me a big stinkin’ grin. I take the sippy away if she continues doing it, but she still needs to drink during the day. So apparently I need to watch her like a hawk every time.

Because of the food issues and especially the sippy cup issues I’ve had to change her like three times a day because she ends up smearing food on herself or dripping milk all down her front. First of all it is freezing cold so I can’t just let her walk around soaking wet. And secondly, gross. She also has a great fondness for running her hands through her hair while eating. I swear, everyone talks about having to change newborns 3 or 4 times a day and we never had to – she didn’t spit up and never had blowouts. Now however it’s a whole new game.

I am exhausted! When is it bedtime?

Well Kate has decided that the middle of the night is unpleasant for sleeping. She wakes up crying, doesn’t go back to sleep, and wants out of her crib to watch TV for hours. I step foot in her room and she wants nothing to do with cuddles or hugs or… well, actually she wants nothing to do with me. I am just her jail-breaker and the one who controls the remote. The good news is that after a couple of hours of me either on the computer or sacked out on the couch (depending how exhausted I am) she starts to droop, I put her in her crib, and we both sleep until morning…. actually she’s been sleeping in until 10 or later, which screws up any plans I had for the day of course. I figure I could lay in her room while she screams for hours, but this seems more expedient at getting me back to sleep. She did this last time she was teething, too. And as soon as those teeth came back in she was back to sleeping normally. The only question is how long this will take. Assuming this IS teeth… I am never quite sure until they actually come through and it’s over. Maybe she’s just messing with me.

She hasn’t been up for cuddling much at all this week. I ask for a hug or a kiss and am just as likely to get a head-shake and “No” as a hug or kiss. I pull her onto my lap (like I usually do) and she immediately squirms off. The only time I actually get her to sit peacefully on my lap is when I am reading her books. I really like reading her books. I sneak in kisses. I also sneak in cuddles when we play the mommy-gonna-get-you tickle game.

The “No” thing has definitely progressed. I mentioned that she was using it conversationally, contemplatively, as if she’s considered my request and respectfully declines at this moment. It was (is) quite cute, really. But this week she seems to have made a mental leap, like she now realizes she can use this tool to assert independent thought. She is now a person with a strong opinion and the capability of expressing it in words.
“Elmo!” “Not right now, we’re going to watch mommy’s show.” “No! No! Elmo!”
“Let’s put your jacket on.” “No!” “We have to put your jacket on, put your arm in,” “Nooooo!”
“Eat!” “Okay, here’s your lunch.” “…. No. Done. Down.”

It is definitely more tiring. I joke at times (like when I’m getting her to identify letters and numbers) that Kate is a monkey, performing on command. I’m starting to question exactly who the monkey is.

I find it’s a hard line to figure out… what things to just let go and what things to enforce. It’s pretty clear that if I made an argument every time she said no to me it would be a very, very long, stressful day for both of us. Most things I figure don’t really matter. If she doesn’t want to put her jacket on right that second I’ll wait a minute, mention the car, and try again. The TV is a bad habit that I am not thrilled about, but I know we’re both bored as hell in the house. I try to get out once a day with her to some kind of playgroup or activity or just walking the mall, but this week with her really messed up sleep we’ve managed to miss everything. But there’s a point when I can’t take any more Elmo or Super Why, I turn it off and we find other things to do: drawing, chase-and-hide, blocks, piano. I am finding however that with the exception of the chase games she generally doesn’t want my participation, she just wants me to sit there next to her and watch her. That gets very boring. Apparently we need some new ideas… and to make it out of the house in time for the fun stuff. My house is a whole lot of boring right now.

Well Kate pulled it off! For the second year in a row she was awake when the clock hit midnight on new year’s eve. She and her friend both took late naps and then were playing all evening together, climbing on and off his trampoline and running around giggling. They are just so adorable. At around 11pm you could tell they were both tired but they weren’t whiny in any way so we kept them up – mean mommies. :) After the midnight countdown and pictures when we finally gathered our stuff and left Kate was so tired. She fell asleep in the car on the way home and didn’t wake up when I unstrapped her, carried her in the house, and laid her in the crib. The next day she was up at 8 but took a 3-hour nap. Too bad she didn’t sleep in, but Den was awake anyways.

Unfortunately that was not the only night she was up late for some reason, the night before she woke up while we watched a movie and ended up staying up for a little bit before going back to bed. Now she seems to have bedtime a little screwed up. Last night she went to bed at 7 and then was up from 10 until 2am. (I was so not a happy camper. She was happy and perky and playing with toys after her “nap”.) Today she tried going to bed at 7 but I am not that stupid, I was not going to have a repeat performance. So I kept her up until bedtime, but by then she’d changed her mind about the whole sleeping thing and kicked and screamed. I just got her down at 11pm. Well, it’s an improvement over 2am.

Guess she likes her routines a little more than I thought. Oops!

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I am 20 weeks pregnant today! I let out a little breath I’ve been holding, because – as with last time – my first thought is “At least if I lose the baby it won’t be a miscarriage.” So I’m on to the second half of my pregnancy. In some ways it seems like it went really quickly!

Baby girl is quite active, putting even Kate to shame at this early point. Of course Kate had an anterior placenta, this one doesn’t, which probably explains it. Still, it’s amazing to me that I feel this baby kicking me pretty much every time I sit down and relax. (Granted that’s not often, but if I watch TV or sit at my computer or sit to eat, she typically starts thumping.) Movements are definitely getting stronger, it’s no longer figments of my imagination but clearly a growing baby. Unfortunately Den still hasn’t felt her because she’s taking after big brother Devin – she stops every time anyone lays a hand on my belly, whether it’s Den or me. I keep cautiously trying to feel her, but she’s usually kicking at my waist band, where my hand is blocked. And if I move my elastic she stops. I’ve caught her a couple of times, but Den hasn’t had as many opportunities.

And I have started getting heartburn. Already. This is not a good sign. I had heartburn with Kate, but only the last few months. And I’m still not over my nausea 100% which means the heartburn is making me gag and throw up. Ugh. It’s nasty.

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I really need to write down some of Kate’s more hilarious personality traits and mannerisms. We’ve been pulling out the video camera often to try to catch things to remember.

Like how she runs. Kate’s never really been a runner, though she’s been walking for what seems like forever. But she’s started this new “fake fast” run that cracks is up! She makes lots of quick little stomping footsteps and pulls her arms up and swings them back and forth dramatically as if she’s running really hard, but she’s actually moving about as fast as her normal walk. It is just so silly! And now that she sees that it causes howls of laughter she does it just for effect.

The kid is definitely developing a ham personality, giving big huge toothy grins at us and throwing her head back.

She loves it when I run to catch her, then tickle her. I love the peals of belly laughs I get from her. She’s ticklish under her arms along her sides and also her thighs for some reason. She always gets the hiccups if she laughs too hard – always has. And if I stop too soon she has started looking at me and saying, “Tickle tickle?” How can I refuse?

She is talking so much more. She doesn’t do the “EH EH EH!” thing anymore, she asks for things by name: “Pa-ee” is her paci, “Fo” is my phone (which I don’t give her, and immediately causes a tantrum), “Ee” is eat, “Cah-ceh” is cracker, and so on. She’s also now started asking for “Ehhh-mo” (Elmo) which causes my heart to drop ten stories. (Why is Elmo so damn addictive? How? She just watches Sesame Street, but she latched right on to that bugger.) I am really appreciating being able to communicate better with her. I noticed she’s dropping many signs as she replaces them with words, but that’s all good to me – as long as she can tell me what she wants and needs then we have done what we need to do. She does still use signs for certain things she can’t yet say, like train, or some words that apparently need extra emphasis, like “wa-wa” (water).

I am just so happy today. Christmas was wonderful. We woke up when Kate did, and I got her changed while Den got the video camera. She walked out to see the tree, she was tickled to see it on the floor, and then opened her stocking stuff. Which took a while. The girl is, err, slightly dainty. She’d rip off one little piece of tissue paper, then hand it to me, repeat. She only made it through a few small things before she ran over to her highchair and announced “Eat!” So she got cheerios while we opened some gifts.

Den and I got her an aquadoodle and the meowsic keyboard. I apparently made a slight miscalculation because I saved the keyboard for the last gift, but when she got the aquadoodle that was the end of it for her. We let her play with it for a bit before I gently tried taking the pen away and redirecting her to the presents and she just started crying. She opened several presents holding the pen. Needless to say she really likes it! She likes the keyboard, too, so apparently I did good picking those out.

From friends and family she got the Little People Amusement Park, which she will occupy herself with for some time, she likes putting the car down the track and clapping. I like that it’s a toy that she will find new ways to play with as she grows older. The other big hit was the Fisher Price Tea Set. It has pouring sound effects and last night she sat at her table and just kept pouring into the cup and saying “ahhh!” as she pretended to drink. So adorable!

She also got a bunch of clothes and books, which is great because she never has enough clothes and she can never have too many books! The pajamas we got were in 18M size, which is what I told them she was wearing. I’m quickly realizing she’s already outgrowing that size though. Holy smokes, what the heck? She really must be having a growth spurt. I don’t feel too bad, though, because everything she outgrows is going to be re-used by her sister. (Which is kind of exciting, considering some of the adorable dresses Kate wore only once for special occasions!)

Unlike Thanksgiving, after which Kate had a most horrible meltdown that lasted for days, today she was in a ridiculously funny mood. She was running around playing “get me” with us in her new style of “running” – which consists mostly of stomping her feet really fast and moving really slowly. And then collapsing on the couch or on pillows in fits of laughter. When I tickle her, causing shrieks of laughter, and then stop she’s started looking at me and saying, “tickle?” so I’ll do it again. The funny thing about this kid is that she’ll be running around shrieking and gasping for breath one minute, and then she sits down and plays with her keyboard or little people for 10 minutes, as if someone flicked a switch in her.

My tree is still up, my lights are still on, my music is still playing… I refuse to let go of Christmas so quickly. It’ll take me a few days to resign myself to packing it all up. :)

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It has been really nice to decide on a name for the baby so quickly, and to be able to call her by name at home. Ember. It just feels right.

I’ve started thinking about the girls’ room and what I’m going to do in there. Den is relieved he doesn’t have to re-paint it something more gender neutral, since it’s pink and cream right now. It’ll be a tight fit with two beds/cribs and two dressers, but I measured and it’s definitely doable. We’ll have to lose the big bookcase but I’m honestly not upset about that since the bottom half is unusable anyways, thanks to Kate’s proclivity towards pulling every single thing off the bottom 3-4 shelves (grrr). I’ll be getting a second dresser exactly like Kate’s, and hopefully putting a couple shelves above each for storage. There is a small closet that we use for some storage, but it really really needs shelves put in it. (I don’t know why people in the 50’s thought closets didn’t need any shelves at all. How is that useful?) Decoration-wise I really need to actually get some more framed pictures up on the wall, and maybe even the letters I bought for Kate over a year ago. I’ll have to get some for Ember too.

I picked out a baby book for Ember, which took longer than it should have mainly because I couldn’t find what I was looking for. Apparently no one makes a simple yellow gender-neutral non-character baby book (the two I found were Winnie the Pooh). Kate’s baby book I really like, it’s pink with a giraffe on the front (Pepperpot Molly’s Nursery). I wanted them to be the same size, a similar style, but I wanted Ember’s to be yellow to differentiate. Well I ended up finding a pink one with birds on the front that is really cute… I just didn’t really want both to be in pink, but oh well, they’re not exactly the same. At least the scrapbooks I get to pick out whatever colors I want.

:

I’m getting used to this idea of having two girls. Still so unexpected, but I can see a lot of positives in it. Especially when I look at Kate running around and think, best case scenario we get two like her. Of course Ember will have her own personality – it’s so strange to wonder at this blank slate, this unknown. That’s what really kills me about Devin… the not knowing who he would have been. I guess in some way I thought that having a living boy would give me a better idea of what Devin might have been like… even though of course they would have been different too. Kate is so thoroughly girl – sensitive and quiet (usually) and communicative and gentle. Not that boys can’t be those things too, but most of the boys I see running around are into trucks and running full-force and bashing toys together and yelling loudly. It’s really kind of shocking to see how early those differences show up. So, yes. It will be interesting to see how this girl’s personality develops.

I love Christmas. Last year we were at my parents’ for Christmas, which is special in its own way because of all my memories and being with my family for the holidays. But it’s also no longer home, either, and I found out that travel with a child can be a little less of a vacation than I had hoped.

This year we are home, with a tree up and lights on the house. Our tree this year was not our normal big tree, which the cats always get into at night, but a smaller tree that I set up on our table to keep it safer. It is cute, but not quite right either – but still better than picking up ornaments and fixing garland every single morning, and then trying to keep Kate from pulling things off it. So it’s sat on the table, gathering presents beneath it. For Christmas morning, however, I moved it down to the floor in the living room so we can sit next to it and open presents. (The cats of course now seem to take more of an interest in it, which I don’t understand. It’s been in the room the entire time!) It doesn’t have many presents under it, and at least half are from my parents. But that’s okay. It’s cute. It’s perfect.

Mostly I sit here and marvel that Christmas isn’t just about Den and I exchanging gifts and me dictating to him how to fill the stocking and wrap the presents. This year we have a kid; next year we’ll have two! It’s now about building memories and traditions for my children, so that hopefully one day they can sit in front of a Christmas tree and laugh and reminisce at how mom used to do things every year… so that they can have this sense of joy like I do. I wonder how they’ll remember it, what memories we’ll make for them – I wonder how differently they’ll see it from how we do. I know this year Kate is too young to really remember anything, but I think she’ll have fun opening presents and playing with her new toys.

It’s just so exciting. I love Christmas morning!

I really thought naming a girl was going to be a long drawn-out process. Den hates pretty much my entire list of names (too foofy, too hippy), and I dislike most of his (usually too old-fashioned, except for his favorite choice which was a little too unusual even for my tastes). Katherine was a one-off, and it was just the perfect name for our little girl. So we really didn’t discuss names at all this pregnancy, other than for me to confirm that I still don’t agree with his favorite choice.

We walked out of the ultrasound and said something offhand about names. I said, “Well there’s still that name I tossed around last year, you said you liked it.” He said he’d put it on the short list. Later that day he called me and said, “I’m in on the name.” I asked him what the rest of his short list was, just out of curiosity; “Just that one.” Well then, that doesn’t leave much options! I’d already gone through a bunch of names list only to confirm that there really is nothing else that jumps out at me. Just the one. So I guess we pretty much have a name!

This little girl will be called Ember Cailet. (See, he got his choice in as the middle name, it works nicely!) Ember. Our little spark. I think it’s rather fitting. It is a different style completely from Katherine and will likely throw off family, but it fits well with Kate and Devin.

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Baby girl has gotten wicked active this week. I’ve been feeling movement for weeks now, and the ultrasound tech did confirm that my placenta is posterior (not a suprise!), but the last few days there have been dance parties in my belly. Last night I could feel her rolling and stretching and pushing in a much stronger, bigger way than I expect for being only 18 weeks along. I’m feeling bigger kicks too, it seems every time I sit down she whacks me. But as opposed to how Kate would always kick like crazy whenever anything pressed against her, be it a counter, tight pants or a hand, this one seems to quiet right down whenever I try to feel her. Last night when she was moving around I put Den’s hand on my belly and of course she stopped. As soon as he rolled over and fell asleep she kicked it up again. Funny how they’re so different.

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A commenter was right though: I have felt very disconnected from this pregnancy. I don’t know if it’s because I’m still not over the surprise of it all. Or if it’s simply because I have Kate running around so I can’t lay in bed rubbing and talking to my belly all day like I did with Devin and Kate. Maybe a little bit of both. I feel guilty about it. Like I should be feeling more, doing more. I take belly pictures every other week (which, I know, I haven’t posted. I’ll get them up shortly.), I write in here about stuff when it happens, I have bookmarked little things to buy for this baby. But it still just doesn’t feel real. That doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate the miracle of it. I’m just still a little slack-jawed over it all.

I don’t know how much I really wrote about it at the time, since I was kind of distracted and busy, but when I gave birth to Kate I was overwhelmingly relieved and…. numb. I felt extremely disconnected from the child in my arms. I had bonded so much with the baby in my belly that it was hard to fit the two pieces together, like I had lost the baby I knew so well and gained this tiny little infant that felt like someone else’s. Being in the hospital with her was extremely disconcerting because it really felt like she was the hospital’s baby, that someone would come take her away. I worried why I didn’t feel more, where was that overwhelming love and bonding that people talked about? Den was crying all the time when holding her and going on and on about how beautiful she was and I just… didn’t feel it.

Granted it didn’t last long, less than a week I’d say, and holding her against my skin helped a lot. Bringing her home was the first time I really felt like I was holding my child. That overwhelming love and bonding certainly came, but it came on slowly, not all at once as I gazed at my newborn for the first time the way I expected.

How I feel now about this pregnancy feels a lot like that did. Like I’m still waiting for someone to realize the mistake and take this pregnancy back. I feel guilty sometimes, and very frustrated, because it the last two weren’t like this. But I also have faith that when the baby is born, whether it happens right away or slowly like with Kate, that it will all seem right with the world.

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I think it’s important to remember that a loss leaves you with a lot of extra baggage. After a while that baggage gets safely stowed somewhere, but once in a while something drops on you unexpectedly. My ultrasound was like that. I haven’t cried for Devin like that in a long, long time. I never consciously thought that this baby was replacing him – how could it? – but I guess part of me was hoping for some kind of healing. But my family will never be complete, because Devin is not here… will never be here. My two daughters are supposed to have a big brother running around looking after them. As amazing as my life is, as happy as I am day to day, as wonderful as my family is, there will always be a part of me that is broken.

Thank you girls for listening to the last post. I’m fine now, but I just really needed to write it out. It was really unexpected how my grief for Devin came bubbling up like that, but not totally surprising I suppose.

Ultrasounds are still just so terrifying to me. Baby was kicking as I drove to the appointment, and I thanked it for helping me out. But still I get sweaty and my heart rate goes way up, as does my blood pressure (they tried taking it before the ultrasound… yeah, not good). I just kept thinking how I haven’t seen this baby since I was 6 weeks and it was a tiny blob. There is so much that can go wrong in there. I don’t like to dwell on that, but if anyone knows, I do. I could see the screen the whole time and she while I did see the baby as she scanned through, and saw it moving, she scanned my uterus and ovaries first. It’s hard not to ask, “Hey, can you just show me the heartbeat first?” (They usually do… from what I remember.) But I was patient and soon enough she was scanning through a very curled-up little baby, and we got to hear the heartbeat out loud. And saw it on the screen, too, the little peaks and valleys. (Nothing will ever erase my memory of seeing Devin’s still heart and flat line. Seeing a beating heart always makes me cry now…. with Kate and now this one.)

Baby was really curled up and seemed to me to be really low, which it made it difficult for her to get any good shots. She was really pressing into my belly with the probe, not always so comfortable, but I wanted her to get those shots. But we saw the brain, the renals, the 4-chamber heart, the 3-vessel cord. I kept looking at what she typed and nodding because that’s what it should be. Spine looked beautiful, so amazing. Little hands and feet – feet over head most of the time, kicking upwards. Hands were beside the face moving around. It wasn’t the best ultrasound I’ve had – I remember with Devin just being so amazed at seeing the movement and how he’d stretch. This one was moving, but not a ton, and stayed curled up like a little shell. I remember thinking is that okay that it’s like that, it’s not going to hurt itself will it? The tech told us it was a girl, and that was it. But she told me to stay put just in case the doctor wanted her to get some more pictures. Normally that would make me worry, but after seeing how she struggled to get the right angles I didn’t worry (much).

Kate is sick and not feeling well today so she was not really cooperating. Den was holding her and she was squirming and whining the whole time. I don’t know how much of the ultrasound Den actually got to see, because he was trying to occupy her by playing games and such. By the time the ultrasound was over she really was just done and was whining. She wanted to go running down the hall, and there was no door just a curtain across the doorway so Den was blocking her from leaving. She was alternating laughing at him and whining/crying. The tech poked her head in to say she was still waiting for the doctor to have a minute to look at the pictures, but it would be a few minutes, and if Den wanted to take her for a walk or even keep her in the waiting room… Ummm? What excuse me? Den was pretty ticked at that, but Kate really was done with being there.

The tech did finally come in and need one more picture of the cord insertion that she couldn’t get before, and that was it there. I went to find Den and then into see one of the Midwives. My appointment, as always, was very short. Report from the ultrasound says everything looks normal. How are you feeling? Any concerns or questions? She did a quick feel of my uterus (I believe it’s right about at my belly button now), heard the heartbeat again (can’t argue with that) and off we went.