So, first mixing meds experience tonight. It was… an experience. I of course was a little nervous and wasn’t sure exactly what I was doing. I got my “recipe page” and set it up in front of me – it’s the printoff of exact mixing instructions from the IVF unit – and followed it to the word. Okay, not quite to the word, but I went very slowly and carefully. 1 ml of diluent into 1 vial of menopur (using the big syringe); 5 units of lupron into that vial (using a small syringe); then 150 IU follistim into it as well (using the follistim pen). Then pull everything into the big syringe, twist off the big huge needle, twist on the tiny needle, inject it all. Or rather, I did everything up to that point, then called Den in to do the honors of the injection.

The last 4 nights injections of lupron haven’t gone as well as the first couple did – for some reason Den lost his “touch” and it hurt going in each time. I think it might have been because of the humidity in the air, so it wasn’t sliding through my skin as easily? Or maybe Den’s hand wasn’t as steady. Either way. Today it went in fine, which was a relief! But then as he pushed more and more liquid into me it started stinging! Yikes! that was a lot of fluid. A lot more than a small Lupron dose. I did have a big drop of blood form afterwards.

So this is what I get to look forward to the next week. In addition to frequent blood draws and vaginal ultrasounds. Whee fun! Making a baby was so much simpler when it involved just a penis.

So this morning was my basline. My antral follicle count was 5 on my right, 6 on my left. My estradiol was 15. Everything looked good and ready, so I’m to start stims tonight. The RE called me just a few minutes ago to increase my dosage… she said my antral follicle count was a little lower than they’d hoped (for me with my age they’d hoped for a ton of antral follicles) and they don’t know how I’m going to respond to the medication so she’s putting me on 150 of follistim a day. I go back on tuesday morning for another blood draw to check my estradiol level and from there she’ll decide what dosage I’ll be on.

I’m trying not to worry about the antral follicle count, though Den was like, “What? That’s it??” I’m really unclear if more grow as you stim or if what you see is what you get.

Now I need to go clean the living room, wash some clothes (and pads, I’m running out), and then take a nap. Getting up at 7am on a saturday is not really my idea of fun!

Getting my period was exciting because I got to try out the new pads I’d ordered – they arrived yesterday.

First off, I think my favorites by far are the Happy Heiny’s. I like that they have a PUL liner so they won’t leak through, and they are the softest ones I have. Plus I like how the fluid gets pulled through the top layer into the middle layers, so it’s not just sitting on top like with the other two.

I got some organic cotton ones, and they’re okay. They worked fine, but were rougher to the touch than the HH.

The WAHMarama ones I bought last month are my least favorite. They work fine, but the fleece is a bit itchy to me (I think I have very sensitive skin).

Unfortunately even though I felt like I bought too many I still don’t have enough to get me through… but the good news is that I once again have an installed washer and dryer in my house so I can do laundry here at home. Woot! I will need to buy several more of the overnight size. I figure that even if I do get pregnant and don’t need them for 9 months I sure am going to need them postpartum.

PS, I love the color Periwinkle just as much in real life as in pictures. I don’t know why. It’s the best color ever! I can’t wait to buy diapers in pretty colors. Though, from my experience with pads – must not buy more than one or two diapers of each variety before testing them out to see if they work for me.

Baseline scan and bloodtest is scheduled for tomorrow morning! Will be starting stims tomorrow evening, most likely.

Oh – and I called this morning to explain to the OBGYN’s office that my period arrived. They rescheduled me for next week. :D

I really can’t believe I’m this far into my IVF cycle already. I was just laying in bed last night thinking, holy crap, this is in some ways a “half-way” point… I have my period, I’m starting stims already!

The fun begins!!

Guess what showed up at quarter to 9 in the evening? Yep. I’m happy she’s showed so I can start stims! But I’m rather annoyed it had to pick the timing it did… it’s obviously too late to cancel my appointment tomorrow morning.

I can already feel the queasiness setting in.

No indication whatsoever that my period is on its way. I know it’s coming… sometime… but definitely not today. And yet last time I was on the pill I wanted my period to stay away after my lap and it came anyways. What’s with that?!

On the good side of things I never did get around to cancelling my Midwife appointment (annual) tomorrow morning, and by the looks of it I won’t need to. It’ll be nice to have that done.

I feel sooo tired today. Yesterday I woke up at 7am with the sunlight and just felt chipper and ready to go go go (this is rare, just so you know). I love days like that. Today it took me an hour to get out of bed and all day I’ve just been fighting to stay awake. I feel like I need a nap something terrible. Ugh. I think I might hurry my day up so I can go home and go to bed. :(

I feel like crying tonight. Having a baby was supposed to be my goal, my focus… or rather, the baby was. I fully intended to be a full-time mommy – still do.

But where does that leave me now? A part-time job that doesn’t make much and a web design business that’s bringing in far less. And no focus. No passion. Hobbies, yes. Passions… not really.

I don’t have a career. I don’t really want a career. But I feel like, in the absense of a baby, I should have one. It’s a heaviness on my chest, like I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. I’m in limbo. I hate limbo.

I’ve been doing really good lately, emotionally, about the infertility. So well it’s made me wonder. But tonight I just feel this empty ache, like I’m missing something huge… and the horrible thought that I don’t know how else to fill it. What am I going to do with my life if I don’t have kids? Horrible thought, and too early really, but just the thought that I don’t know is upsetting.

I thought the whole “I don’t know what to do with my life” thing was supposed to be settled by now.

Me: *looking at baby fabric patterns* “For a boy, how do you feel about dinosaurs?”

Den: *half asleep* “I’d rather have a human.”

Moment of silence, then hysterical laughter. Totally caught me off-guard there.

I feel like a complete idiot for saying this, but my period will not be coming tomorrow. Tonight while chatting to den before bed I took my pills… and didn’t realize until hours later (just now) that I took a birth control pill. Which I wasn’t supposed to take. Stupid stupid!! This isn’t going to screw anything up…. well other than making me wait a day longer than I wanted to wait… but I feel like an idiot anyways. Pills are now hidden to prevent a repeat performance. (That’s what I get for having too many pills every day… celexa, prenatal, birth control. It becomes routine.)

I’ve been doing the Great Cloth Diaper Hunt. I am, needless to say, obsessed. Not that I actually think I’ll win anything… winning a prize is literally luck of the draw and I absolutely suck at anything that requires luck in lieu of skill. (Just look at this baby-making thing.) Though just today I realized that worst-case scenario would be NOT getting pregnant and then finding out I actually won a bunch of diapers.

I ordered more cloth pads. You know, for the period that’s going to be late. I’m ordering a little of this, a little of that. See what I like. Maybe sell the rest, not sure. I’ll still need pads after having a baby, that’s for sure. So far I’m not 100% happy with anything I’ve found online to purchase… I’m thinking of experimenting with some fabric myself. Just need to find some absorbant hemp to purchase. Hmmm. Might have to make a trip to the fabric store… and dust off the sewing machine. (And before you ask – yes, I can sew, LOL. I just don’t do it very often. I really should though.)

Now to see if I can sleep while feeling like a moron.

I have been attempting – and I mean this very lightly – to start exercising a little bit. The past two days I’ve taken one of the dogs for a bike ride. Granted I’m sticking to their pace because I certainly don’t want to overwork them (and apparently I’m not, because they’re still hyper the rest of the day), so I am not getting much of a workout myself. Although my ass does feel rather bruised. I think I need better padding on my seat. Hmph.

Part of the reason for this new motivation is my scale weighing me in at 143. That is, yet again, my highest weight ever… and I haven’t started stims yet so I can’t blame anything else. I fully admit it is 100% due to my behind being glued to the couch all day. What can I say, I hate being active.

Tonight was my last birth control pill. I really am not sure when I should expect AF to show, but I’m guessing about 2-3 days. I’m starting to feel a little more jittery now – it’s getting closer and closer to the time of everything happening.

For my second injection two nights ago I was so bouyed by the first one being pain-free that I decided on a whim to do it myself. And I did! I did it myself! It stung a little bit more than when Den did the first one. And then unfortunately Den walked out to do my injection, I said, “I did it!!” and I swear to god his face fell. I felt so bad! He is taking this whole thing very seriously… ever since he found out he’d be giving me injections he made an effort to do injections at work and learn the proper way to do it and to take it on himself as his own “job” in all of this. I guess I forgot that. I made sure to point out the tiny red welt that I had managed to give myself. I don’t think it helped him feel better.

So I’ve decided to let him do my injections… both to make him feel more involved in this process, and because he does actually do it better.

However my left side of my tummy seems to dislike me. We’ve been alternating, because I read that’s what you’re supposed to do. First injection was on the right side – not a mark. Second injection, by me, on my left – had a red rash around it for about an hour, and left a tiny red bump. Third injection, right side, nothing at all. Fourth injection – tonight – by Den, and it had that red rash around it again. Hmm, very odd. Why does my left side dislike me so?

The insulin needles, they aren’t very bad at all. They’re tiny little things. I’m still a little shocked that I’m handling this all as well as I am. I was the girl in grade 9 throwing a fit because she had to get a shot in school. (Granted that was in my arm, and I still don’t like those.) It’s all about the motivation, I guess.