Doubt and Frustrations
I feel like crying tonight. Having a baby was supposed to be my goal, my focus… or rather, the baby was. I fully intended to be a full-time mommy – still do.
But where does that leave me now? A part-time job that doesn’t make much and a web design business that’s bringing in far less. And no focus. No passion. Hobbies, yes. Passions… not really.
I don’t have a career. I don’t really want a career. But I feel like, in the absense of a baby, I should have one. It’s a heaviness on my chest, like I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. I’m in limbo. I hate limbo.
I’ve been doing really good lately, emotionally, about the infertility. So well it’s made me wonder. But tonight I just feel this empty ache, like I’m missing something huge… and the horrible thought that I don’t know how else to fill it. What am I going to do with my life if I don’t have kids? Horrible thought, and too early really, but just the thought that I don’t know is upsetting.
I thought the whole “I don’t know what to do with my life” thing was supposed to be settled by now.
Hon, be it through IVF and infertility treatments or adoption, you guys CAN and WILL have a baby. *hugs*
Hi hun, just only now found this journal through one of your links.
From reading your regular journal I guess the other shoe hadn’t dropped with me and I had no idea you guys had started on IVF. Just wanted to say I am keeping my fingers crossed for you!!
*big bearhug*
Hey Ly! Sorry I never gave out the link to here. I just haven’t been talking about it all much over in the other journal. Thanks for the hug!
And Kel… yeah, you’re right.
Being in Limbo definitely sucks. Hopefully this cycle will work and you won’t be in limbo anymore.
Do you promote your website design somehow? I need a website and don’t have the faintest idea how to do it…
Limbo certainly sucks, but I hate to break it to you. Early pregnancy for us infertiles sucks too, just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Then you just pray that you make it to 24 weeks which is commonly considered viability. You worry about every twinge and cramp and spot.
So my advice to you is to find a passion. Find a distraction as things rarely work out as they are supposed to. We were going to do an FET this month. Nope, my thyroid has other ideas. I am only 35 and have NEVER had a problem with my thyroid. Life throws you curves.
Hang in there.
Kathy, I do have a website for my web design, though I’m going to re-do it. It’s not much yet: http://www.alumasoft.com I also advertise on some forums that I’m on.
I like to believe that when I get pregnant everything will magically be okay. I really am afraid that it’s going to go just how you describe… being afraid of everything. I really really hope not, for my sake.
I think passions fall into your lap–they’re never something you can seek or force. The worst part of the limbo is never knowing when that passion will startle you and give you a new focus. The only good part of limbo is knowing that it isn’t forever. That something has to change. And I hope that change brings you into motherhood.
What about designing cards? I love “thanks for trying.”
I came via Stirrup Queens. I’m about to start my first IVF cycle, my first injection will be tuesday. Good luck with the rest of your cycle!!
And…I’m still looking for that one thing I can be passionate about too. Unfortunately needing to work always gets in the way of exploring for it.