I’m not in too great of shape, physically. The back of my right leg is very achy today due to a massive charlie-horse I got yesterday evening… I quickly spun and pressed my leg into the wall to relieve it (I like that wall being there), but it feels bruised now. That was the worst cramp of the week, but certainly not the only one… I have had to be very careful with how I sit in bed with my laptop, as my feet have been very apt to cramp up suddenly.

The back of my left hand is still sore from who-knows-what. Yesterday I woke up with the tendons on the back of my left hand feeling very sore and it’s still like that. I’m right-handed… right hand is my mouse. Which is very good, because if my mouse hand were affected I’d be having a conniption. But why is my left hand so sore?? What could I possibly have done to it during the night? Well, at least it isn’t slowing me down much, just catches me off-guard now and then when I clench my fist.

The least obvious of my current aches-and-pains is far less noticeable than the other two but is much more worrisome. I’ve been feeling little twinges and sometimes a little bit of pain from my left ovary. It’s tender in that area and sometimes when I roll over wrong onto my hand or something it hurts. Sometimes for no reason at all it hurts. I really, really hope that it’s just “normal” and not a cyst or something that could potentially delay our cycle. I always thought cysts were more than a very brief, random twinge though. Plus my left ovary is where I had some free fluid, and I don’t know what that would cause? I’m a little nervous to go to my baseline scan though. If there’s something wrong I may cry.

I posted some fabulous links on Baby Blogorama about birth that you really do need to go check out. I really really want to go see The Business of Being Born (unless of course reading about birth and delivery would put you in tears, then please avoid). I really, really hope they get it to show on movie theaters. I would drag Den to it.

I’ve been trying to explain to Den how important the labor and birth process is to me, and what my vision of it is. I don’t want to give birth here at home, unless we somehow miraculously finish updating the entire house by then. And then I’d still have to deal with the dogs and cats, and I quite frankly don’t want that – or the fur. But I want a home-like setting. I say this again and again – but I do not want to be hooked up to monitors and be laying in a hospital birth. I’ve come to accept the fact that that is how I’m going to MAKE the baby. But I’ll be damned if that’s how the baby is going to come OUT. So what if most people do it the other way around.

The (huge) stumbling block in my fantasies of giving birth in a dark room on a bed with a midwife and a doula is… my husband. Now I certainly can’t fault him for being protective of me and any future baby. The man is downright terrified of something going wrong. Just me mentioning looking for some other birthing centers – other options – near here had him whipping his head around and saying, “But that wouldn’t be in the hospital!!” He is fine with me doing whatever I need to do to get through the birth, but he wants me within 10 feet of a team of doctors – and no I am not joking about that. He knows a major bigwig at the hospital’s L&D department and he has visions of him summoning this bigwig to my bedside to deliver my baby – despite the fact that I seriously doubt a major bigwig would be doing anything of the sort.

I really hope that by sharing stories and statistics (when I get around to actually reading books about birth – which won’t be until after I’m pregnant) and by talking to him about how important this is to me, that he’ll come to understand my viewpoint. I would feel completely safe giving birth with a midwife in a birthing center. I just hope he can feel safe about it.

(The more I think about what my current midwife told me, the less I’m thinking it’s going to work for me. I’m not even guaranteed to give birth with her, I might get stuck with the OBGYN in the practice, and they only give birth at the hospital. I like her a lot – a point Den keeps reminding me of – but it’s just not what I am really hoping for. I would hate to change to someone new, but I don’t want to feel restricted just because I started with her and didn’t want to change.)

Then again, there’s still that women’s and infants center at the hospital that may provide what I’m looking for.

:: ::

Tonight my legs and feet are very crampy. Luckily I’ve been catching them and stretching them out before they hit full-blown cramp mode. Not really sure what’s causing this, and not really sure what to do about it, either. Oh, I think I know… dancing all yesterday evening at the club… in high heels. Yep, that’ll do it. (A day late is unusual, though.)

There’s really not a hell of a lot to say when you’re not actively stimming or in the 2ww or anything, is there. I take a little blue BCP every night. That is all. I don’t even get any weird side-effects from birth control to write about – though it has always been difficult to seperate the “unusual moods” from my “normal moods.”

My life lately has been all about money. Specifically unexpected bills, several of which have come up in the past week or two and is making me very unhappy. It’s just bad timing, with our IVF cycle starting and us having to pay for those meds as well. Thankfully Den gets an extra paycheck this month, which will help cover it. It’s just so damn frustrating – we think we finally have some extra money for savings and we get hit with a bunch of bills we didn’t expect. It’s not going to put us in the poor house – though we should probably not go out for a fancy dinner for a few months. It’s just irritating and a little stressful. I’m glad I’m bringing in a little bit more money than I was.

Today we went out to watch a band perform. We got there a little early, people were just starting to filter in. Some women were there with their kids – little kids, around 2 years old, running around the empty room. It’s kind of funny how something can be so sweet and so painful at the same time. Half of me wants to say, “Awwww,” the other half of me says, “Why are there KIDS here??” I try not to let it affect my night, though. I try – and am doing pretty good about it – just letting it go. Young kids can be both sweet and irritating to me anyways, infertility or not – it’s the small babies that I just can’t handle right now.

I’m in this weird emotional limbo. I don’t know how positive I am about this IVF cycle. I’m definitely fully committed to it, and looking forward to getting it started… but I’m wondering if it isn’t to feel useful and busy and productive. The last failed cycle hit me really hard and I don’t know how I’m going to be able to find much hope for this cycle. I have hope for more embryos, I can say that – doing ICSI has made me feel positive about that. I just don’t know if I have any hope of any of them sticking. I don’t know if I can even picture myself pregnant anymore.

A change has happened. For so long I made plans tentatively, saying, “Well, I’ll probably be pregnant by then…” Now I find myself saying, “Not like I’ll be pregnant.”

It makes me a little sad. I hope I regain some optimism at some point this cycle. I know I am still mourning. I just wasn’t prepapred for how hard the first cycle would be.

Today I feel very at peace. I think the main difference is because I got up at 7:30 instead of 6:30, due to Den staying home because of his tooth – don’t ask me why that hour makes a difference, but it definitely does. If I get up when Den does betwee 6:00 and 6:30 I am exhausted the rest of the day. If I get up at a more “normal” hour between 7:30 and 8:00 I feel so much perkier.

Of course, the brilliant sunny weather might have something to do with it, too. And the Enya CD that’s in my car – I need to listen to it far more often. And having fun relaxing at the sleepover this weekend did wonders for my mood, as well.

All of this is contributing to the fact that Den is still alive, despite me having to stay at home for three hours this morning trying to convince him to go to the dentist. He stayed home from work (because I told him so), then he changed his mind and decided his tooth wasn’t hurting this morning so he was going to go to work. I took his keys, hid them and told him I wasn’t driving him anywhere but the dentist. Then his tooth started hurting again, making his decision a little easier. So after whining for well over an hour (literally – he was walking back and forth whining that he didn’t want to spend the money, that he didn’t think it was really necessary, and on and on) HE FINALLY MADE AN APPOINTMENT. He just got home and the x-ray confirmed that he does indeed need a root canal done. I’m just glad it’s going to get done. And that I have not yet kicked his whiny ass.

Of course at some point in all of this I need to go back to work to do some more, and I have a meeting at 6 to go to, but I gotta say I would much rather be working on the Baby Blogorama site. I am doing some really really cool stuff with it that will just make searching for things so much easier and seamless. Oh it’s going to be pretty when I’m done.

I am happy to say that Den will be going to the dentist tomorrow. I guess the pain got so excrutiating that he can’t take it anymore. (He has broken a ton of bones in his body, had his shoulder dislocate multiple times… and he says this is THE most painful thing he’s ever had. Ouch.)

So yesterday I drove into Boston to meet with Lady In Waiting, Mary Ellen, and a couple of other girls for the BBISP! The girls were the nicest people you could ever hope to meet and we had a great time going out for Thai food and then just snacking on deserts and wine and chatting until midnight. It was really fun for me to spend some time socializing with girls, and it was really quite nice for all of us to know that we were among others who knew what we were all going through and understood. I can’t wait to do it again!

My stomach has been having some weird rumbles today. Maybe it did not like the Thai food I ate last night? I don’t know what it is. It’s just like once every few hours it just freaks out at me and hurts. And then nothing.

Oh and my boobs? They’re still veiny. How insulting.

I don’t know what to do about Den. He’s been having one tooth causing him problems for a few weeks now and has been refusing to go to the dentist. He goes for his yearly checkup and cleaning – usually that one appointment leads to several other expensive ones because he has bad teeth – so he’s claiming we can’t afford for him to go again. (Whatever. We have emergency funds, it’s not like we’re broke.)

So yesterday it was really bad pain, he’s been taking advil like crazy… and apparently while I was gone this morning he was up at 5am because of his tooth. Just now he was walking around… it’s obvious he is in an extreme amount of pain right now. And he’s still refusing to make an appointment with the dentist!!

I am going to kick his ASS soon! He can’t just live with this. I think tomorrow I am going to have to make an appointment for him to go see a dentist, this is crazy. Why do men do this??

It catches me at weird moments. Like just now, browsing my forums, my mind wanders to sigs and how I should update mine, it’s been the same for a year. Then my mind flickers over to the thought that I had a pregnancy ticker all ready to go for my sig. And it’s just a weird kind of double-thought, that I should be sitting right here, right now, pregnant… not still infertile. Not still going through IVF. I know the “should be”s will never help anything…. but it’s hard to not think them once in a while.

I really want to get on with this cycle. The first one was all new and exciting. This one I’m just thinking come ON already! Not like the birth control pill stage is all that exciting anyways, but I just want it to be retrieval and transfer already. I’m ready for a different outcome.

Not much else is going on right now… at least not fertility-wise. I have a ton of work and projects to do, as usual… just staring at my pack of pills and thinking that I only have a week until lupron. Okay, a week and a half.

But now I really need to get some sleep because if I go another night with less than an hour’s worth I will be very cranky.

You know, I can think of a whole big group of people who will NOT love the movie Knocked Up. I am getting very, very irritated by the previews on TV. It is quite simply not humorous at this stage in time.

A really interesting article: 27 Skills Your Child Needs To Know That She’s Not Getting In School

I’m pretty sure I am going to the BBISP. I mentioned it to Den yet again and he asked when it was. He seemed surprized. (Seriously… you need to repeat the same thing to this man five times before it sinks in.) He said, “But Sunday is father’s day!!!” So apparently I am to come home early sunday morning – which I told him everyone was planning on anyways. (And this is the FIRST time I’ve heard of any plans regarding sunday. He’s known about the BBISP for about three, four weeks now? Sigh.) But I do think I’ll be going. When you email me, let me know what I need to bring in terms of sleeping – a blanket, sheets, pillow, mattress, etc. :)

I have been seeing a lot of “blog blasts” lately. Very similar to Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters is doing with the book reviews, but the topics are random, not books. Now obviously I cannot join the parenting blog blasts because I don’t have a child. But it would be really interesting to pick some topics for us infertiles to write about. What do you think? (And of course I think The Town Criers should organize it. They are, after all, like the center of infertility blogging, right?!) (I will be doing the Commentathon, too.)

(Big Boston Infertility Slumber Party, or whatever the exact words are.)

I don’t know who has all the info for it… so if someone could email me and let me know times and directions? I’m still not 100% sure – mostly because of the gas prices – but I really do want to go.

I have the worst sinus headache ever. This is why I always hated having any sort of crying fits when I was a teenager/tween… would be stuck with a sinus headache the rest of the day. Advil hasn’t worked, sudafed hasn’t worked, so I’m going to be shortly.

My newest order of cloth pads arrived today. I was excited they got here so quickly! Unfortunately, AF has already left the building. (Well, can’t say I’m overly upset over that one…) Weird, weird. They all told me that the period after your IVF cycle will be “really bad.” For me it amounted to one day of heavy spotting/very light flow, two days of normal flow with weird cramps the entire time (I usually only get very painful cramps for one day – these lasted longer, but weren’t nearly so strong), and then a day of spotting again. Just odd. I think I’m going to just completely give up reading my body’s signs. It does whatever it feels like doing.

Anyways, I’m going to turn off all the lights now and murder whoever yells or barks next.