I feel like there are two of me.

One of me takes things as they come. That me is the glowy-me, the pregnant me. Happily moaning about still having nausea, enjoying the little aches and pains, enjoying keeping track of things, posting and sharing with other like-minded pregnant women.

Then there’s the other me, the IF me. Who is hovering around. And every once in a while she glances down in the shower and does a double-take. “Holy crap! I’m pregnant!” It’s the me who just lays here and tries to get used to the idea. Who is still really really shocked by the idea of bringing home a real baby.

It’s gotten easier along the way. I know when I first got pregnant – even a month or so later – I was still really struggling with dealing with “normal” pregnant women. I know most of them really didn’t mean to offend or upset, but sometimes their attitude seemed so blase to me. I’d get really angry. I’d feel like I didn’t fit in. I didn’t fit in with the IFers, because the last thing I want is to hurt any of them, and I didn’t fit in with the pregnant group because most of them got pregnant by accident and what the hell do I have in common with that? But things have gotten a lot easier with time, just like people said it would. I have more in common with the pregnant group… sharing appointments, sharing excitements, sharing shopping lists. I still get really irritated, but it’s much less frequent now.

I’ll never feel not-IF though. I still feel a little rush of frustration when people – who don’t know – mention offhand how easily they got pregnant. When they laugh about it. I hope they understand how lucky they are. I’d never wish IF on anyone. But it can be hard to listen sometimes still.

And yeah, I think my IF is one of the reasons I have really thrown myself into this pregnancy. I think I would have enjoyed pregnancy anyways – I really do love being pregnant, and I know I’ll want to do it again – but with this perspective I just want to enjoy every. little. thing. I don’t think I’d have had the discipline to take a picture every single week were it not for IF. I would have gotten tired and lazy. But now it’s like I wake up on saturdays and all I can think about is taking my picture, taking my weight, and celebrating another week gone by. It’s freaking fabulous. Saturday is kind of like “my” day – I’m really glad my retrieval fell on a saturday! LOL

This baby is going to be such a blessing to us. IS such a blessing to us. Even though sometimes I “forget” it’s in there. I eagerly look forward to feeling it move around. I’m freaking beyond excited to have my big ultrasound in 3 weeks. I really feel like knowing the sex will make it seem even more real. We’ll be able to name the baby!!

I was going through my calendar and writing down the week number on each saturday square, up to 42 weeks. I was noticing how quickly it’s going to go from January to April! January I’m going to be 30 weeks already… and that seems so far along!! I’ll be nearly third trimester while I’m in Canada visiting…. that’s seriously crazy-talk.

16 week photos coming up tomorrow morning. 4 “months”!! Baby’s size is apparently around 5 inches long! Holy crap! That’s… big! :D

Gosh, I keep sitting down to write this and then forgetting what I’m doing or – earlier today – falling asleep! Doh.

Today was my 16 week doctor’s appointment! I showed up a little early, had to wait a while for everyone to come back from their lunch and re-open. But I got called in pretty quickly after that.

First to get weighed. I groaned a little as I stood there. It read 139, but they take off 2lbs for clothes so my official doctor’s office weight was 137lb. Damnit. (I was 140 by their scale at my first appointment, so “official” weight loss so far is 3lbs.) I’ve been trying to gain weight (or at least to stop losing), but my body refuses! Luckily the midwife didn’t seem all too concerned, said that many people don’t gain any weight and since I’m still eating a variety of foods and not throwing up *every* day. She said that she thinks any kind of anti-nausea meds may not even help and would probably give me side-effects. So really, if she’s not concerned, then I’m fine. I just hope I put back on pound or two by next appointment!

My blood pressure was 102/50. That seems low to me! The nurse’s eyebrows went up and said, “Really good!” My normal pre-pregnancy blood pressure has always been around 110/60 so that’s maybe why I’m feeling a wee bit lightheaded!

She flipped through my records to find the results of the first-tri NT screening… came back with risk of Down’s 1:19,000 and risk of Trisomy-18 1:36,000. Those are very good. ^_^ I was never really concerned, but Den’s a bit of a worry-wart. (In fact I read him those numbers and he was like, “I wish that number was even higher…” I had to reassure him that those are REALLY good numbers!) She asked about the quad-screening, and I shrugged and said I don’t really care, but hubby would probably want me to do it and it’s just a simple blood test so sure why not. (It tests for neural tube defects.)

I layed down on the table so she could check my uterus growth – I told her I could feel it easily now and she said it’s probably halfway to my navel. And yep, she just smiled and nodded as she felt it. Then the doppler! She checked the middle first, round in circles, then the left side, round in circles. She gave a little chuckle and said she can always hear kicks before finding the heartbeat at this stage, “They’re so active!” – so I’m guessing she heard something that I couldn’t make out! (There were little whooshes and thumps and who knows what else.) Then she moved to the right side and there it was. She said the heartrate is in the 130’s this week. :)

She asked how I’m feeling overall, I just said a few little “twinges” and aches here and there, all perfectly normal. She asked how daddy’s doing and I laughed and said he has tons of pregnancy symptoms and he’s not feeling well at all… heartburn, indigestion, headaches, moodiness, cravings… she got a good laugh out of that one. She said it’s usually the sign of a very healthy relationship, and a very good daddy! Tee hee.

She asked if I met with the other midwife group, I told her I did and that I have booked my 20 week appointment with them, that they were wonderful. She said they’ll miss me but she knows I’ll be in very good hands and she thinks I’ll be very happy with them, and she wished me luck. :) I’m really going to miss her!

She said the receptionist would schedule my anatomy scan for me at the hospital, so it’ll all be set to go, and that they’ll order my records. I just asked them to send the records to me… I might want to make a few copies of things, hehehe. Then I’ll pass them on to the new Midwife group. Unfortunately the receptionist and nurse were a little confused about stuff…. first she said that I needed to get a bloodwork slip so I could wait in the waiting room while the nurse got that for me. I mentioned the anatomy scan. So she had to ask the Midwife about that. I stepped out to the waiting room for a minute, and when they called me back in she was on the phone with the ultrasound office making an appointment for me. Then she said I was all done. I was like, “Ummm, what about the lab slip?” “She didn’t give that to you?” So I had to wait again for that. But it all got sorted out.

Unfortunately (fortunately?) the blood draw had to be that day (it’s based on my weight, she said – so I had to do it the same day as they weighed me). It’s right next door, but it never fails getting my blood drawn takes forever. I had to wait for someone else to finish, before even getting called back. The blood lab at the hospital where I went for IF treatment is so quick, in and out. The one in this office is just one person, and for some reason they are SO much slower. So that made me late getting back to work. BUT she found my vein right away and there was no hunting under the skin for it… cheers!! (And PS, the needle stick hurts way less than taking the bandaid off. Owwie!)

And that was my appointment! All good news, other than my weight. I’m glad I had this appointment there, so I could say goodbye to the Midwife. I might switch back to her after the baby’s born, for my annual paps and stuff.

Oh, I guess I should reveal the big date for my ultrasound: November 9!! That’s only 3 weeks away!! Den originally said we’d have to wait until after the 12th of November, which made me sad, but then today he said anything after the 8th was okay… so when they offered me the 9th I was all, “Okay!!” It’s at 3pm, so I have to somehow get through work that day before my appointment. I am SO excited. :twirl:

Anyone want to take a guess at what I have in my belly? Is it a boy? Or a girl??

Okay, more on the insurance thing. We had pretty much decided that there WERE no options, ConnectiCare does have great coverage. But I decided to take another look at the site because something was bothering me.

Turns out the Blue Cross Blue Sheild plan Den’s brother is on is listed under Federal plans, not Massachusetts plans… which is why I didn’t see it earlier. It’s open to anyone (in the federal government), not restricted by area. (ConnectiCare is only open to those living in western Mass.) So I took a look at it.

First off, premiums are lower than what Den’s been paying – even the new, increased 2008 rates for BCBS is lower than what he’s paying right now for CC. Definitely a plus.

Next of course I look at the infertility coverage. And that, my friends is where BCBS bottoms out. They cover diagnosis. No ART whatsoever, not even IUI. And that sucks balls.

However, I am in the very happy situation of already being pregnant via ART. So I flip to the maternity coverage section. CC has awesome maternity coverage: no copays at all, not even for the hospital visit. And BCBS? Same deal. No copays for prenatal care, ultrasounds, labor or recovery.

I check the Preventative Care for children. Remember with CC it was vague wording, but seemed to indicate that it covered all well-child visits and immunizations recommended by the AAP, with a $15 copay each visit – which is pretty good. BCBS? Covers all well-child visits, all immunizations… and NO copay at all.

Den’s chiropractic visits (he goes once a month)? $15 copay for preferred providers vs. the $30 per visit he now pays.

Any therapy I wish to take with a psychiatrist or psychologist? $15 copay vs. $30 on our current plan. (And both plans do require that you get an “approved treatment plan”.) Thankfully my issues aren’t so bad that I would require anything more than some talk therapy. I function just fine without it, but I think it would be beneficial and possibly – just maybe – help me someday wean off my meds. (Maybe. After 5 years I’m not all that encouraged in that area.)

There is a overall calendar year deductable of $600 per year for some services – however all four of the things above have no deductable. (From what I can see reading the plan benefits, the deductable comes into play for bigger things like hospital stays, inpatient visits, medical equipment, etc.)

So basically, BCBS will cost us less money, for the same benefits. Yeah, it really really sucks that they don’t cover infertility. We could not/would not have switched to BCBS before getting pregnant, obviously. But you know what? We have managed to use all of our infertility coverage from ConnectiCare. Oh wait… I think we might have had an IUI left to use (snort). We used up all our medication limit, and both IVF cycles covered. So even if we stayed with CC we’d still have no more infertility coverage.

BCBS was kind of like my back-up plan… I kept thinking, hoping, that it would cover more IVF cycles for us. Den’s now really hoping we get pregnant by accident the second time around. (Me… I would mind an “accident” – or rather “miracle” – but I’d kind of prefer it didn’t happen within the first 6 months of our baby’s life. That would freak me out a little bit. Okay a lot.) I guess we’ll handle that situation when we get there… there’s always the chance of spending a lot of money to get me my own insurance coverage under Massachusetts which has a totally nifty-awesome infertility mandate. Would cost us a lot for insurance… but not nearly as much as a full IVF cycle (or two or more…).

Enough worrying, that’s far in the future, and for right now we’re feeling pretty pleased. I just really hope all our healthcare providers are in the preferred network. (Checking… my old OB/Midwife practice is in-network, our GP doctor is in-network, and – WHEW! – the hospital and new Midwives are too!)

Yep, I’m screwed today. Couldn’t fall asleep until after 3am… was awake at 7am, and by “awake” I don’t mean “something woke me up and I was a cranky bitch about it” I mean, I layed here staring at the ceiling and grumbling to myself. I have layed down multiple times, for half an hour to an hour, still nothing.

Doesn’t help that my stomach is a little… umm, upset. One of the things keeping me awake at 7am was HUNGER, so I had a bowl of cereal (one of my safe foods). But now I think I have a lot of gas rumbling around. The farts are very unfortunate. (One dog stared at me intensely, and the other one actually started barking because he didn’t know what it was. Gee thanks.) I’m so glad I’m home alone.

But damn, work is going to suck this afternoon unless I can keep up this weird energy I have going. I’m just worried I’m going to be unable to nap, then have to go to work and then I’ll crash.

::

Den just got notice of open season (on insurance plans) coming up next month. I checked out the premium rates… our current plan’s rate will be going up a bit in 2008, and unfortunately no matter how you look at it Blue Cross Blue Shield appears to be a hefty amount more expensive than what we pay for our current plan. Plus it says “BCBS of RI” which probably means nothing good for infertility coverage, when it comes to that – not that the federal government feels it needs to follow state mandates or anything, anyways.

So we’re going to go to the info session on Nov 15 to get all the details on our options, but I’m not encouraged. Our current plan (ConnectiCare) covers ALL of my prenatal and ALL of the delivery costs, plus appears to cover all well-baby visit costs minus a co-pay. Unless we can get something else that has the same kind of benefits with a lower premium, it’s not really worth switching. (The only other health issues we deal with, aside from getting sick and having to go to the doctor, are Den’s chiropractor – which takes a co-pay – and my depression – which takes co-pays for the bi-yearly “checkup” and for all my medication. Oh, and the infertility thing. We would like a chance at a second child someday.)

Just to put this out there, I’m not really posting all that stuff about vaccinating for anyone else’s benefit. This blog serves two purposes to me: it lets me share with my friends (and the blog’o’sphere) and keep everyone in the loop; it also is my journal and my “notebook” as it were. This is where I stash all my links and interesting articles and stuff so I can find them later. (You might be surprized at how often I use my archives. It’s practically a daily thing. That’s also why I have such long, weird categorizations.) I don’t want anyone to think that I’m trying to change anyone else’s mind about vaccinations. I know some people might find things useful, and that’s great. I’m certainly not out to start a debate or anything. I fully support whatever choices my friends make on the vaccination issue, I think it’s something you have to decide for yourself. It’s not up to me to judge what someone else does. Though, as much as I do appreciate input from friends, my decision will be based on published studies and books and other such sources. ;)

Okay, other stuff. :)

I thought I had posted last week about not being able to feel my uterus. I guess I never did. Well anyways, girls in one of my pregnancy groups were talking about being able to feel their uterus when they layed down on their back. The first few times I tried to feel it I managed to make myself nauseated, but felt nothing. 2 weeks ago I couldn’t really feel anything… sometimes I thought I could feel the top of something just above my pelvic bone, but it was pretty low and hard to tell. Well yesterday just for shits and giggles I felt around a little and was surprized. Now I’m still not sure what I’m feeling, but there’s a “ball” above my pelvis that I can feel quite clearly now (when I’m laying down). That got me a little excited.

Friends are also talking about feeling baby flutters, and me of course, I still feel nothing at all. Sometimes I sit here and think about it and wonder what it will feel like. I wonder if I’ll be shocked when I do feel something, or if it’ll happen without me really noticing what it is until later.

Sometimes I still feel a little detached still. It’s going to be a lot different when I can feel movement in my belly, because sometimes I still forget that something’s in there. I’m very proud of my little belly and I’m just so happy to be pregnant, but it’s like it slips my mind that pregnant means there’s a little baby growing in my belly, you know?

As I wrote two weeks ago, I am still sleeping through the night (and sometimes far into the day) without waking up to pee. My body is doing this thing where, as I’m sitting here typing while I wind down before sleep, I have to go pee about three hundred times (slight exaggeration). I am very appreciative of my body’s attempt to empty my bladder fully before actual sleep.

Now that I think about it, I haven’t had much stretching pains lately. Everything’s been feeling pretty good, other than me still having to be very very careful with the types of food I eat and the amount I eat. (If I eat too much – surprize!) I have got it back under control again, I’m pretty sure this past weekend was a reaction to the junk food over-eating at the halloween party we went to. Very bad thing, apparently. But yesterday I had a taco salad, and today I had a ham sandwich, and I was fine – both foods that I ate on saturday and threw back up. So it’s not the food itself. (ETA – I take back what I said about the ham sandwich. Delayed reaction.)

My boobs are sore though. Still growing. It really annoys me how, if I don’t sit completely straight-backed (which I rarely do) my boobs sit on my chest. Just a little bit, but that fold in the skin is driving me nuts. My nipples are very sensitive today, I noticed, as well. Still fitting in my C-cup bras, though. Which is good, because my no-underwire Hanes bra is so comfortable. I wish I could find that model online so I could order another one… but of course, the Hanes website can’t find that model number. I looked up bras elsewhere, and this one on Motherwear looks super comfortable. (Very similar to my Hanes bra, except the Hanes isn’t padded, and isn’t a nursing bra.) I’m ever so tempted to buy it, but I think I’ll hold off until my boobs outgrow my current ones, as I know they are going to do. This one from Motherhood looks good too.

it’s 2am and I’m wide awake. Dang. I have such a problem with this. My mind gets way overactive at night, and then consequently I sleep in too much the next day to make up for it, which means the next night I’m not tired… gaaahhhh. Do you think it’s possible to have a biological clock that is totally out of whack? For 25 years I’ve had to fight to get my body to sleep at night, and every time I stop forcing it it slides right back to me sleeping all day.

Researching vaccination safety/effects/etc online has pretty much given me a headache. I think I’m going to have to get some books. The pro-vaccination sites and the anti-vaccination sites are VERY VERY adamant, they claim to have all the studies to back up their position, and I’m sitting here very irritated for feeling like, what, do I need to go to those actual studies and look them up?

I did want to save this link for future reference, however. The Health Resources and Services Administration (HRSA) National Vaccination Injury Compensation Program. As one person on a forum pointed out, this is an official government page, not propaganda (for either side).

It is interesting to see how many cases were upheld and paid out on, despite the CDC’s website stating that serious side-effects were “so rare it is hard to tell if they are caused by the vaccine.” (Stated under risks of the DTaP vaccine, and several others – the HRSA site reports 226 injury and 58 death claims were filed – 61 of which were upheld and compensated.) Under risks of the MMR vaccine it says “Several other severe problems have been known to occur after a child gets MMR vaccine. But this happens so rarely, experts cannot be sure whether they are caused by the vaccine or not. These include: Deafness; Long-term seizures, coma, or lowered consciousness; Permanent brain damage.” HRSA reports 724 injury claims filed, 50 death claims filed, and 271 total claims upheld.

::

Den and I had a pretty good conversation tonight. We don’t completely agree (we never do) but it was a very thoughtful conversation and we didn’t argue or get angry at all. (This rarely happens with us!) He is a biology major, so he pulled out some of his old textbooks (Immunology) and flipped open to the vaccination chapter. The textbook itself is 10 years old, so it mentions a slightly older vaccination schedule than is used today, but it was more about what vaccinations do, how they react with the body, how they produce immunities, what they’re made of, etc. Very interesting indeed.

Some of the reading I did online tonight was about recent outbreaks of mumps and measles. Apparently there have been multiple incidents in the past several years of school-age and college-age kids contracting these viruses and spreading it. The interesting point was that most of the people who got it had been vaccinated. It’s important to remember that vaccinating does not guarantee immunity. Most vaccines are cited (on the official documents) as having around 90-95% success in creating immunity. Another possible cause of the outbreaks is the suggestion that childhood vaccinations are creating immunities that are only temporary.

One forum linked to this article: A User-Friendly Vaccination Schedule, by Dr. Donald W. Miller, Jr. One MD’s viewpoint, based on multiple published studies (which he cites/links to), on limiting the number of vaccines given to children to pertussis, tetanus, diptheria (all given separately) and inactive polio, as well as starting vaccinations at no earlier than 2 years of age. He is not a fan of the MMR vaccination, because it is an active (live) virus vaccine (Den gave me a lecture on how viruses are either “active” or “inactive,” they are not live), because of the possible links to autism and other disorders, and because he wonders if the vaccine is really helpful in the long run. He explains:

“With rare exception, a well-nourished child who contracts measles will recover smoothly from the infection. Fifty years ago almost all children in the U.S. had measles. And after contracting this disease, one has life-long immunity to it. The protection provided by vaccination is temporary. Adults who contract measles (when the protective effects of the vaccine wears off) are much more likely to have neurological, testicular, and ovarian complications. Likewise, rubella is a benign disease in children, but if a woman acquires it during pregnancy fetal malformations may develop. One can argue, heretical as such an argument may be, that it would be better to let children have measles, at an age when the infection helps the adaptive immune system mature in a balanced Th1/Th2 fashion and complications from this disease are minimal, rather than vaccinate them against this disease (especially considering the risks of vaccination).

“Pertussis and Diphtheria are a different matter. These diseases are more virulent. Children who contract whooping cough (pertussis) can be incapacitated for more than a month. Polio can be devastating in susceptible individuals. And no one wants to get tetanus (lockjaw). A user-friendly vaccination schedule would include vaccines against these diseases.”

Another paragraph I found particularly noteworthy is something that came up in Den and my discussion. Den’s textbook mentioned the “herd effect.” Dr. Miller puts it very nicely:

“A communitarian ethic increasingly governs health care in the U.S. It places a greater value on the health of the community, on society as a whole, than on the health of particular individuals. Public health officials have put together a vaccination schedule designed to eliminate infectious diseases to which the population is prey. These officials recognize that these vaccines will harm a small percentage of (genetically susceptible) individuals, but it is for the common good. The communitarian code posits that it is morally acceptable, if necessary, to sacrifice a few for the good of the many.”

I pointed out to Den that the “big picture” – the ones the doctors and health officials and lawmakers are working with – is very different from the view of one parent. In the population say you reduced the occurrence of a disease overall (say one that isn’t fatal, but can have serious, long-lasting side-effects) by maintaining a high percentage of vaccinated children. And say 5 out of 2 million children get a very horrible side effect and die. Well, as an entire population, you’re better off with all that vaccination! You’ve prevented a huge amount of horrible things.

However, now you’re the parent looking at that situation. The overall risk of your child catching the disease is next to nothing at this point. And the risk of your child dying from a horrible reaction to the vaccination is 5 in 2 million. That’s not a very good chance… but it would really really suck to be one of those 5.

In the end all any of us really wants is a healthy child.

::

One more link, an article by CBS that doesn’t make any motion to prove anything one way or another, but just lists the questions and concerns that are keeping people uneasy. Autism: Why The Debate Rages

To kick off my vaccination research, first let’s look up the AAP’s recommendations, as that seems to be the golden standard here. After much searching on the AAP’s immunization site (woo, “vaccines are good!” overdose there) I found this easy-to-read recommended schedule for newborns through 6 years, as of 2007. That’s a lot of vaccines.
* Hep B
* Rotavirus
* Diptheria, Tetanus, Pertussis (DTaP)
* Haemophilus influenzae type b (Hib)
* Pneumococcal (PCV?)
* Inactivated Poliovirus (IPV)
* Influenza
* Measles, Mumps, Rubella (MMR)
* Varicella
* Hep A
* Meningococcal

At this point, other than the Varicella, I’m not passing judgement on what is/isn’t needed as I simply don’t know enough about the rest. Pretty sure the DTP and MMR are pretty darn useful, though. Just sayin’.

Now let’s look up what the rules are for MA, shall we? Our kid will be going to public school as of 5 years old (but I’m not really intending for the kid to go to preschool… we shall see on that one).

From the Mass Department of Public Health MA Laws Regarding Vaccinations. Let’s summarize for Kindergarten entry:
* DTP/DTaP (
* Polio (IPV) (3 or 4 doses, depending on age of kid)
* MMR (2 doses, 1 month apart)
* HepB (3 doses)
* Varicella (1 dose)

Mass has only medical and religious excemptions, no philosophical excemption. The only one I’m pissed about is the Varicella. However, it states that a kid doesn’t have to get that vaccine if they have “laboratory evidence of immunity” or “a statement signed by a physician that the student has a history of chickenpox disease.” Ie, if my kid gets the chickenpox before entering kindergarten they don’t have to get the vaccine. Hmmm, I see a chickenpox party in my future. (Thank goodness I’m immune… I’ve actually never had it.)

Now the part about preschool is different.
“No student, as defined in 105 CMR 220.400, shall attend a preschool program without a certificate of immunization documenting that the child has been successfully immunized in accordance with current Department of Public Health (DPH) recommended schedules against diphtheria, tetanus, pertussis (whooping cough), poliomyelitis, measles, mumps, rubella, Haemophilus influenzae type b (Hib), hepatitis B, varicella and other communicable diseases as specified from time to time by the Department …”
So it includes some that aren’t included for Kindergarten… namely the Hib vaccine. Interesting. I wonder why. Ahhh, found the answer: “Haemophilus influenzae type b disease, also called Hib disease, is an illness that can cause a potentially fatal brain infection in young children.” Guess once you’re 5 years old it’s no longer an issue.

(A – B) leaves us with vaccines that the AAP recommends but are not required for kindergarten (at this point in time, at least… light knows they’ll change it soon enough). Namely:
* Rotavirus
* Pneumococcal (PCV?)
* Influenza
* Hep A
* Meningococcal

So those are the ones I’ll focus on in my research. Now of course I want to know about the others as well – I want to know what I’m putting in my child, what I’m protecting them from – but these are the ones I’ll need to make choices about.

There are several things that concern me about vaccinations, especially the schedule laid out for small children.

First, I’m concerned about what may be in the vaccine besides the dead/live virus. Mercury is a hot topic, but there are others: aluminum, formaldehyde and monosodium glutamate (MSG) to name a few (from this handout). Here’s a page from the CDC stating that as of 1999 the mercury was removed from vaccines excepting some flu vaccines. And yet this site – which is linked to by that CDC website!! – lists multiple vaccinations which still have mercury content, including the DT, Tetanus booster, and one of the Meningococcal vaccines. Many many others had “trace amounts” that “should be considered equivalent to thimerosal-free.” Is this not bothersome?

Second, I’m concerned about the amount of vaccines given in a short period of time. Look at the schedule – that’s a lot of antibodies to be shaking up at one time!

Third is not just a concern of over-vaccinating in general, but vaccinating with things that are unnecessary, like the Varicella and Influenza (I am not getting my Influenza vaccination while pregnant, as “recommended”). I also see that they’re now saying that girls aged 11-12 need to get the HPV vaccine!! (Now that one’s pissed me off ever since they started advertising it.) I really think the whole vaccination thing is getting out of hand, and yes, a nasty, pessimistic side of me wonders how much those drug companies have to do with it.

And lastly, some sites for me to read regarding vaccines:
Massachusetts Citizens for Vaccination Choice
Vaccine Awakening (Blog)
AAP Immunization Support

Okay, enough research for one night.

Today I checked our insurance benefits booklet to see what’s covered for well-baby visits, as some of my friends are having issues with this (their insurance doesn’t cover them! WTF!). The wording for our insurance is a little strange, but it states that it covers,
* All Immunizations recommended by the American Academy of Pediatrics.
* Well-child care charges for routine examinations, immunizations and care.
* Examinations, such as: Eye exams through age 17 to determine the need for vision correction, Hearing exams through age 17 to determine the need for hearing correction, Examinations done on the day of immunizations.
So I think that means that all well-baby visits are covered, although the wording makes me wonder if they only cover physical exams done when immunizations are done? It’s possible they just worded it wrong… they have been know to do that. (See my posts about my confusion over their infertility coverage… they had some major wording issues!)

For vaccines, I’m still only forming my opinion, and much of my slant on vaccines is due to the research I did on the dog and cat vaccines (all our animals are on a very minimal vaccination schedule – they get only rabies, which is required by law, and the distemper combo, and those only every 3 years). And really, I’m not anti-vaccines… some things are VERY good to vaccinate for (in my opinion, of course). But some just make me go :huh: Varicella? Why the heck are they vaccinating CHILDREN for that now?? There’s no chicken pox pandemic that I know about, people in “the old days” got the chicken pox, got over it, were immune. Big deal, so they missed a week or two of school. And Hep A? Why on earth are they vaccinating infants for Hep A?? OR B for that matter, I didn’t get my Hep B series until grade 6 (and I still don’t really see the point of that). My main issue is that I don’t want to give, for example, three different vaccines in one sitting…. I just think that’s a LOT to give an infant’s immune system.

So in order to help me make decisions I’m going to be buying some books about vaccines and doing a bunch of research. I know a bunch of my IF friends are doing the same thing. I do see a lot of women on my pregnancy forums just saying, “I just do what my doctor tells me to do” – which is probably fine for a lot of people. It seems to me that us IFers have been through too much to just take a doctor’s word for it and we tend to like to research things on our own. (Just my opinion from the array of pregnant people I know, IFers and non-IFers.) I’m still a little bit jaded by the fact that we wouldn’t have been doing IVF had I not pushed for it, and the fact that the doctors made some major oversights on our second cycle.

Den’s still talking about switching insurance, but our only other option is BC/BS, and I’ve heard bad things about them. But open season is very soon, so at the very least we can LOOK at what the other plan would offer, then decide. He’s in the military, so in general we do have VERY good coverage (for everything except dentistry, snort, hence our current credit card balance for the dentist). I’m pretty sure both plans offered to us would be pretty similar, but from what Den’s co-workers have been saying the BC/BS plan appears to have lower premiums and lower co-pays as well. I won’t mention how that has me looking for the “catch”.

::

I had my usual meeting tonight with the cat sanctuary bosses. They also mentioned that they need to know what my plans are for the rest of the pregnancy and when the baby comes, as they need to find replacements and start training. I’m developing a pretty good idea of how long I’ll be able to do the things that I do – some things I’m going to have to quit pretty soon I think, as I’m feeling more and more of a strain especially with bending over for extended periods and lifting awkward items. So tonight or tomorrow I’ll be writing up a list of everything I do, when I think I’ll have to pass it to someone else, and how much time/mental capacity it requires.

I spent the drive home just thinking about what I’m going to do after the baby comes. My plan has always been to quit everything and focus on the baby. And to be honest, quitting my web design stuff makes me very relieved… I think I’m honestly looking forward to being able to do that (not a great sign, right?). I’m still really stressed out by it and I don’t see that stress lifting anytime soon, as long as I have projects sitting on me.

But the thought of quitting at the cat sanctuary makes me sad, and I didn’t really expect that. Right now I’m putting in around 12 hours a week for them, give or take… plus some extra design work from home when they have need of it. Alone, with no other working-from-home stuff to stress out over, it’s not a lot… and I don’t even have to commit to that many hours. I just feel like… well for one thing, they need me. Not that I’m irreplaceable, but what I do is very valuable. And for another thing, I really enjoy my time there and I don’t want to completely give it up.

It made me think more about pumping and bottle-feeding. I admit, I have a huge mental issue regarding bottle-feeding. (Good thing I’m facing it now, and not when/if I have breastfeeding problems and am ramped up on post-partum hormones, right?) I just… I really feel like it should be ALL breast, NO bottles, period, point blank. Like if I give a bottle – even if it’s pumped milk! – that I’m starting down a slippery slope and that it’ll somehow lead to the failure of breastfeeding. (I realize this isn’t entirely rational.) So tonight I was sort of… meditating on that thought. Why I have it. (My parents were very vocal against bottles, I never had one in my life, neither did my brother.) How realistic it is. I mean, people pump and bottle feed breastmilk all the time…. within the framework of breastfeeding. So why not right? Why couldn’t I work a few hours a week, pump and leave bottles for daddy? It’s certainly not outside of the range of possibilities. I know I’m just really nervous about nipple confusion, about supply issues, about somehow ruining the breastfeeding thing. I’m especially nervous since I see so many of my friends having troubles. I know it’s going to be hard, and I really want to do everything I can to make sure it works. But if we get it all working, my supply is good, the baby is good, and we’re past the initial period… I think it’s not unreasonable to introduce bottles as a once-in-a-while thing to allow me to go out for a few hours.

Of course there’s the issue of timing… I mean, Den works full time, MIL works full-time AND lives a good 40 minutes away, BIL and SIL work full time. There’s not really anyone near that I can just leave the kid with for a couple of hours. (Not that I’d want to, but that’s a different issue.) So that leaves two options: Either I only work evenings, weekends, or mondays that Den has off (he gets every other monday off), or I bring baby with me. Now I don’t know how that would work! I could certainly get some things done with the baby in a wrap – but that depends on the baby liking the wrap and not screaming the entire time. A cat sanctuary is not a place that I can let a baby crawl around! Maybe I could have a playard there?? Oh I don’t know.

It’s just hard trying to think in terms of what I’ll do when we have a baby. How do I know?? I’ve been avoiding thinking about it because I just kept thinking, I’ll figure it out when the baby’s here. I have NO idea what to expect, really. Maybe I’ll decide that staying at home is the best thing ever and I never want to leave my baby, ever. Or maybe I’ll really be looking forward to having a few hours outside the home. I don’t know. So it’s hard to try to form some opinions now. And it’s not like I need to give a for-sure yes-or-no answer right away, but I really feel like I need to give them some kind of idea about what kind of replacement they’re looking for.

Well, I know I’m going to continue being their webmaster, and I’m going to continue taking photographs, so that’s a good starting point. I just need to decide about the rest of it.

I have great love for those delectable little squares of caramel. I don’t like caramel on pretty much anything… not in chocolate bars, not on sundaes…. but a caramel square? To die for. I haven’t eaten any in over 5 years due to my teeth, but I’ve figured out a way to stuck on them without getting them stuck to my teeth (causing me great amounts of pain)…. so yay!!

I am feeling… better… today. Better is not great, though. At work this morning I didn’t feel so hot… had a cup of hot chocolate to try to settle everything (it worked). When I got home from work at 1pm I made a bowl of mushroom soup, that was good and stayed down. And for lunch we had grilled steaks. Of course mine was overdone, but what can you do! (But “a rare steak” is most definitely on my list of things I want soon as this kid comes out!) Then at 9pm I got some energy and baked a batch of chocolate chip cookies. They are good, but need some tweaking. First, they need less chocolate. Next time I might just bake them sans-chocolate. That is weird, right. And plus, next time I’m going to make smaller cookies so I can make them crispier. Currently I am REALLY liking the crispy outside edges, not so much the middles (weird).

BUT so far everything has stayed down, and that’s a grand thing!! I did nearly puke when on TV someone was gagging… just gagging. I covered my eyes and shrieked, “Okay, turn the channel!!” to Den, who quickly obliged. I had to take many deep breaths before I felt less like puking. :shock: Damn that was a strong, bad bad trigger.

::

I’m feeling okay, emotion-wise… I’m a little bit shorter patience that I “normally” am (although normal fluctuates a good deal), but I’m still not feeling overly weepy or anything. Is that weird? I am actually a pretty emotional person, so it’s strange that all my friends talk about crying at random things when pregnant and I’m like… eh. Two weeks ago at “Girl’s Night” we watched Steel Magnolias. (Ummm, no, I’d never seen it before.) I didn’t cry. Women who aren’t pregnant cry at that movie! Oh well I guess? Maybe it’ll hit later… maybe it won’t. I’m okay either way.

Denis, however, seems to be PMS-ing. He freely admits this, too. He’s been on a total hairtrigger all weekend, having weird temper fits at the strangest things. At least it’s not directed at me (or even when he does get one of those fits in response to something I said, I know it’s not my fault)… but it’s getting a little frustrating! I feel like I can hardly talk to him without knowing if he’s going to be upset. He just hasn’t been feeling well… said his head is fuzzy, he’s having trouble concentrating, he’s having huge troubles focussing when I’m talking and 5 minutes later he’s forgotten everything I just said. He’s always had swiss cheese for memory, but this is really bad even for him.

::

Anyone want me to share some stuff I’ve picked out? I think there was some interest.

First of all, the big stuff: the crib. Now my girlfriends all agree the crib is not for baby; it’s for mama… especially when mama is planning on co-sleeping for like 6 months. But I want this crib (Jardine Capri in Walnut). It is actually one I linked to before as a possibility, but I kind of dimissed out out-of-hand. Well I went to BRU last week, and I saw some darker wood cribs, and I liked them a lot more than the light wood cribs. Plus a darker wood crib with cream colored bedding? SO CUTE. I saw this particular crib style in BRU and I just LOVED its shape. It just felt perfect.

Which brings me to… the bedding. If it’s a boy, it’ll definitely be this (Sweet Vanilla). If it’s a girl there’s still a slight chance I’ll pick something else, but I love this one. Now I’m probably not going to get the full set… I just want the quilt, and then some accessories. I don’t really want a bumper, cute as they are, the set’s crib skirt is kind of “eh” for me, and I’m just going to get some matching ecru-colored sheets for the crib. Nothing fancy. But I think it’ll make a nice nursery. :)

I’m about 95% positive we’ll get a mini-cosleeper, I’m just concerned about the kid outgrowing it too quickly. (Like I said, we’re planning on about six months of cosleeping.) Definitely in an off-white color… neutral, inoffensive, matches the bedroom.

The Swing (Baby Papasan Swing).

The bouncer: if it’s a girl, Think Pink. If it’s a boy (and thus Den won’t allow me to get anything offensively pink, Playful Puppy.

For baby carriers: a Moby Wrap and Hotsling… and a Snugli for the husband, who thinks the other options are not manly enough.

Infant seat, Ionic, paired with Mosaic Stroller, Ionic. (I don’t want a big full-size stroller.)

I realized we don’t really have the space nor need for a playard in the living room, so I let hubby pick one out for his office downstairs: Combi Playard, Cherry. Red. Seriously. It makes me twitch just allowing it in my house.

Bath: EuroBath Tub. Great reviews and it’s exactly what I was looking for!

Highchair: Fisher Price Space-Saver, Tan. I may change my mind last-minute and go for a full-size, but I really like the look of it, so nice and simple, and it has GREAT reviews.

Breastpump: Medela Harmony. (After much internal debate between this one and the Avent Isis.)

Bottles, “just in case”: First Years Breastflow. Good reviews for breastfeeding babies. And they look nice too. Not like I base any decisions on that, oh no.

After that my lists just get down to the nitty-gritty… boppy pillows with covers, breastmilk storage bags, waterproof pads, baby monitor (if it’s even available by then), Grooming and Heathcare kits, random pacifiers and toys and sheets. All the stuff that makes you go, “Damnit, they need that too??” (Well I’m not certain about need, but you know, stuff that will come in really handy at some point.)

I’m having fun finding some books and CDs to register for. I know we want to have some infant books on hand, since Den and I are both such avid readers and we hope our kid will be too. Never too early to start reading to them! I’m having fun going through lists and finding old classes that I loved. Little Critter, anyone?! OMG OMG I loved Little Critter. I still have some of MY old books, along with the audio cassette! (Not that we have a cassette player… shit.) I know my mom kept a TON of my old books that she’ll be shipping to me. :lol:

CDs are fun to go through, as well. Amazon has a great setup for listening to them beforehand, which is great… I absolutely hate buying blind. I found a lot of infant CDs made me want to bang my head against a wall and plug my ears… not the reaction I really want. But I found some that I LOVE. Fisher Price: Tender Lullabies has a really nice sound that I enjoy listening to (unlike many others) and has a lot of the classic lullabies that I remember. Lullaby Classics is all classical music by orchestras – it has some gorgeous stuff on it, and I would so buy it for myself to fall asleep too. Just beautiful. And today I found Celtic Lullabies. It starts with Brahm’s Lullaby, which is my all-time favorite, and then has a bunch of music that I’m not familiar with… but it doesn’t matter, the Celtic lilt to the singer’s voice and the soft instruments are just so lovely. I just love good Celtic music. :) Now that I think about it, I’ll probably use my Enya CDs to lull my baby to sleep as well (they work for me!). Guess now I need to find some sort of portable CD player!

Now I think I may go “shopping” online for ideas for christmas presents. Thank the light for the internet, that’s all I have to say.

So I’ve been feeling nauseated all day. From the moment I got up, practically, all the way through the day…. just not feeling good, probably because of the food I ate last night… too much, and of the wrong kinds.

And when it comes up, it comes up in a BIG way. It’s such a horrible feeling… not only do you puke, but you can’t stop the pukies…. just kept heaving and heaving into the toilet. (And the dogs were standing there staring at me, trying to figure out what the hell I was doing.)

It’s just. So. Nasty. I feel like I want to brush my teeth for ten years, but then that doesn’t help that nasty feeling in the back of my throat.

Gah I still feel nasty. And I’m afraid I threw up the ham sandwich I had for lunch. Bye-bye calories. And I think I’m going to wait a while before attempting dinner….

Update: Salad I had for dinner came up as well, and just as spectacularly. Today is not a good day. In fact, I think it’s one of the worst I’ve had so far. I just had some toast and it had better freakin’ stay down.