I feel like there are two of me.

One of me takes things as they come. That me is the glowy-me, the pregnant me. Happily moaning about still having nausea, enjoying the little aches and pains, enjoying keeping track of things, posting and sharing with other like-minded pregnant women.

Then there’s the other me, the IF me. Who is hovering around. And every once in a while she glances down in the shower and does a double-take. “Holy crap! I’m pregnant!” It’s the me who just lays here and tries to get used to the idea. Who is still really really shocked by the idea of bringing home a real baby.

It’s gotten easier along the way. I know when I first got pregnant – even a month or so later – I was still really struggling with dealing with “normal” pregnant women. I know most of them really didn’t mean to offend or upset, but sometimes their attitude seemed so blase to me. I’d get really angry. I’d feel like I didn’t fit in. I didn’t fit in with the IFers, because the last thing I want is to hurt any of them, and I didn’t fit in with the pregnant group because most of them got pregnant by accident and what the hell do I have in common with that? But things have gotten a lot easier with time, just like people said it would. I have more in common with the pregnant group… sharing appointments, sharing excitements, sharing shopping lists. I still get really irritated, but it’s much less frequent now.

I’ll never feel not-IF though. I still feel a little rush of frustration when people – who don’t know – mention offhand how easily they got pregnant. When they laugh about it. I hope they understand how lucky they are. I’d never wish IF on anyone. But it can be hard to listen sometimes still.

And yeah, I think my IF is one of the reasons I have really thrown myself into this pregnancy. I think I would have enjoyed pregnancy anyways – I really do love being pregnant, and I know I’ll want to do it again – but with this perspective I just want to enjoy every. little. thing. I don’t think I’d have had the discipline to take a picture every single week were it not for IF. I would have gotten tired and lazy. But now it’s like I wake up on saturdays and all I can think about is taking my picture, taking my weight, and celebrating another week gone by. It’s freaking fabulous. Saturday is kind of like “my” day – I’m really glad my retrieval fell on a saturday! LOL

This baby is going to be such a blessing to us. IS such a blessing to us. Even though sometimes I “forget” it’s in there. I eagerly look forward to feeling it move around. I’m freaking beyond excited to have my big ultrasound in 3 weeks. I really feel like knowing the sex will make it seem even more real. We’ll be able to name the baby!!

I was going through my calendar and writing down the week number on each saturday square, up to 42 weeks. I was noticing how quickly it’s going to go from January to April! January I’m going to be 30 weeks already… and that seems so far along!! I’ll be nearly third trimester while I’m in Canada visiting…. that’s seriously crazy-talk.

16 week photos coming up tomorrow morning. 4 “months”!! Baby’s size is apparently around 5 inches long! Holy crap! That’s… big! :D