So my baby shower was yesterday! I’ve been trying to collect my thoughts (and energy!) long enough to make a decent post about it… plus trying to get all the photos resized. I’m going to attempt an actual post. It will probably be very long!

First of all, my very best friend, Kel, arrived friday afternoon! I’ve been thoroughly enjoying her company. Have we actually done much? Not really – no sight seeing or adventures. Mostly just sitting in my living room gabbing away…. while seated at different computers, checking forums and posting. You know the kind of friend that you can just sit in companionable silence for hours if the mood suits, and not sit there wondering if you said something wrong, or feeling pressure to maintain conversation? It’s great. I don’t have that with many people. (My brother, my dad, and my husband are the only other three I can think of.)

Well the shower was fantastic. My MIL and SIL and everyone else who pitched in did a terrific job. There were plastic plates and cutlery, with cute napkins and cups… MIL had gotten a bunch of these pop-up baby decorations as centerpieces… there were baby-themed things on the wall, and baby-themed confetti on the tables. SIL apparently found these ADORABLE little sheep favors, I loved them!! (pictures coming up!)

The facility we had the shower at was on the military base that he works at, at the “club” – the dining hall/entertaining facility there. Fully stocked bar, and Den was the bartender for the day. LOL Den fell in naturally to serving and chatting people as they arrived, and everyone gathered around the bar.

The food was professionally catered… they had a mix of breakfast and lunch foods: an egg quiche dish, ham, bacon, home fries, fruit salad with whipped cream, ribs, chicken, baked beans, danishes… the food was SO good… and there was plenty of it. I think I went back up for more like four times. The fruit and whipped cream was especially good!

I opened gifts next, and boy was I blown away!! People are so incredibly generous, it just touches me so very much! We got SO much stuff that we need – the big gear items too! I really did not expect many big items to be purchased, they were on my registry in case people wanted to chip in together. But we got so much stuff… just amazing. And the clothes! Oh my gosh, we got some the cutest damn outfits I’ve ever seen!

After gifts… cake! It, too, was fantastic. SIL apparently knew a bakery that did good cakes… well this was a chocolate cake, with layers of whipped cream type icing through the middle, swirled with a touch of raspberry. Oh it was good cake. (I have leftovers. Oh yeah.)

It was just… perfect. I need to think of some way to thank my MIL for doing all the work she did. Having a baby shower was just one of those… things… that I really really wanted and hoped to get, but with no family around here and not being from this area… I just had no idea how it would work out. But I have family here now… Den’s family. And friends… friends from work, friends from online (who live near here), friends that I met through Den 6 years ago. I am just so blessed to share this event with them.

After we’d gotten everything home I spent hours going through clothes and cataloging it all and sorting it into bins based on size. We’re set for onesies for newborn through 6 months, it looks like, but Devin’s going to need more footed sleepers in newborn and 6m (oh no, more shopping! haha). I also went through my big excel spreadsheet of gear and I am shocked by how little we have left to buy! I mean, we still have plenty left, but most of the big items were given to us as gifts… wow. Plus we have some gift cards to spend!

And you know… I have to admit, realizing how little we have left to buy means that we’re really close to having everything we need, which means we’re close to the “waiting for baby to arrive” stage. Ummm. Yikes! I don’t think I’m ready for that!

On to pictures, right?

More…

My kid definitely has a sense of humor. I mentioned how after last week’s appointment and ultrasound he decided to kick me in the ribs all day. Well today I’m laying here like normal and his foot is poking out dead center, just below my ribs – significantly above my belly button, and significantly above where my uterus was just one week ago. I’m willing to bet that at next week’s appointment my uterus will have “caught up” to where it should be, size-wise. Unless, that is, he changes his mind and decides to retreat before then, just to confuse the Midwives.

And by the way… having my uterus encroaching on my ribs makes sitting up quite difficult. Slouching is no longer an option. In fact, most of the time now I find myself leaning back and stretching, trying to give him as much room as possible. I think he appreciates it. Or at least he doesn’t appreciate it when I slouch, as it usually results in a swift kick to my ribs.

Not even born yet, and he’s already manipulating me! ;)

Yesterday our camcorder arrived! I was shocked, since I only just ordered the thing. I am enamored with it. It is so tiny and cute… and it takes great video. We’ve only gotten to use it indoors at night (which is VERY poor lighting) and it’s really impressed me so far! This was a big purchase for us, but one that we’ve been planning on for years now – it was a “must have before a baby comes” item. So now we’re all set for Devin’s arrival, right? (Okay, NOT!)

I played wth the camcorder and read the manual to figure out the controls (not very difficult), and then when Devin had his nightly belly-party I was ready for him. I caught some video of him moving around! It’s certainly not the most active he’s ever been, maybe it doesn’t look like much, but for right now I’m just thrilled to have ANY of it on camera! Today I’ll try to figure out how to download video to from the camera to my computer and upload it somewhere. (I’m really not a fan of YouTube… I hate how public it is. I use Photobucket for my photos, but the video quality isn’t really the best… I could try that, though.)

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So apparently my pregnancy hormones have not made me just burst out crying at things (sometimes I feel tempted to, but I don’t). Instead they’ve made me angrier. The very first video Den took with our new camcorder was just a random video of the dogs, and me unloading the dishwasher and cooking dinner. However I now can’t delete the thing, because while he was filming I was having one of my snotty little fits. As embarassing as it is to watch, it’s also hilarious (after the fact). And sad as it sounds, I kind of want to preserve that memory for all time. “Look, here’s how mommy was a bitch during pregnancy! Isn’t that funny?” (It’s a good thing I can laugh at myself.)

I’ve just been losing my temper really randomly. Small, stupid things too… like tripping over the cat (for the 300th time). I try to take a deep breath and let it go, but sometimes I just get so angry… which starts a cascade. “Effing cats, they’re always in my way! And look at that fur I just stepped on!! Where’s my shopvac??? And while you’re at it, remove that crap from the bedroom, it’s been sitting there for a week!!! YOU NEVER DO WHAT I ASK YOU TO DO AND MY HOUSE IS A DISASTER!!!” Meanwhile husband is hiding in his office thinking, “Oh jeez, not again…”

Though really, compared to what happens when I forget to take my meds? This is child’s play. We both have experience dealing with my total emotional breakdowns, so these little flare-ups are just hiccups. It’s annoying and kind of funny, and poor Den takes the brunt of it. But it’s not all that bad (yet?). And hey, it gives us something to laugh about later.

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I’ve seen mention of how carpal tunnel syndrome can be a problem in pregnancy. Honestly I have no clue if that’s what’s bothering me or if it’s simple blood flow issues or something. Den doesn’t think it’s CTS because my wrists don’t hurt when I type (thank goodness). But at night… see, I’ve always slept with my hands folded under my chin like a cat… bent at the wrists. It’s just what I do without thinking. Well now if I do that my hands immediately go numb. Also with the elevation thing, and the anything-resting-on-my-arm thing. I have to watch with my legs too… if one leg is on another, the bottom foot tends to go slowly numb.

I guess it doesn’t really matter what causes it, other than “it’s pregnancy-related,” since the important part is: if it hurts, don’t do that. Pregnancy is all about learning different ways of doing the usual things.

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Yesterday I had the most fabulous sleep ever. I roused a bit when Den went to work, then I just fell back asleep. And I slept beautifully until I woke up at noon. No waking up sweating, no bad dreams, no aching, nothing. I woke up feeling completely refreshed. It. Was. Fantastic. I want more days like that.

Unfortunately miracles do not happen two days in a row, and with the plows that keep going by to scrape up the snow/ice and the dog freaking out each time (he’s a German Shepherd, but seriously, is he not used to this by now?! I do not need to be “warned” about the stupid plow!!) I got broken sleep at best. Sigh. I liked feeling awake. It was nice. Now I just squint at the clock and wonder when’s the soonest I can take a nap without feeling guilty. Now? How about now?

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I am currently trying to decide what to do about nursing wear. I have two nursing bras that I really hate to wear. One of them might be okay when my milk comes in, but it’s a 36D (I am currently a 38C). I have an extender for it, so it’s all up to whether or not my boobs fill it out, which STILL has not happened yet. My boobs, despite the stretch marks, have made very little progress this pregnancy.

So I’m thinking, for right now, to wait on ordering a “good” nursing bra (this one comes to mind) and just get some nursing camis and such while my boobs figure things out. I love Gilligan & O’Malley stuff, so I’m thinking this nursing cami and this sports bra. I figure one of each, for the hospital, and then I can order more if I like them.

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I am out of cake, and I am very sad about it. The junkfood cravings… oh it’s BAD. I’m going to turn into a major blimp if I don’t manage to find a way to stop this. The bad part is that all the yummy healthy food I’ve been eating lately suddenly tastes like crap to me. My tastebuds are all screwed up. All I want is chocolate and sweets. :(

My food likes and dislikes have taken a serious dislodging lately. The wonderful, yummy, protein-loaded chicken-and-egg salad that I’ve been eating religiously? Suddenly doesn’t taste good. I knew I needed more protein, so Sunday I had a big salad, just like usual. It didn’t taste all that appetizing really, but I kept eating… like I said, I needed the protein. Oh BOY did I regret that. Idiot girl, you should know by now not to ignore what your body is saying! I felt bad all evening, just bloated and indigestion and ugh.

The thing I do want? Chocolate cake. BAD. I baked myself a chocolate cake on Saturday, with the intention of picking at it over a week or two. Hahah. Yeah. Damn that cake is good. I even forgot to buy the ingredients to make icing, so I’m eating just the cake… but it’s so freakin’ chocolatey and good. It’s the first thing I think about in the morning for breakfast.

Tonight I fell asleep before Den got home from his class, and when I woke up at 11pm and stumbled into the bathroom to pee Den asked if I was going back to bed. “Meh, yeah,” I muttered, “Cake first.” And I waddled into the kitchen. He followed me in there and found me with my fingers in the cake pan – literally – breaking off pieces of cake and shoving them in my mouth. He looked at me and said, “Did you just…” and made an imitation snarfing sound. Unfortunately… yes I did. I was grunting as I shoved cake into my mouth, people.

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Today at work I managed to hurt myself lifting. The irritating part was that I frequently lift heavier things with no issue. This time I was just carrying things from a shed to the back of our SUV, which involved little to no squatting/bending (everything was at waist-level), and I was lifting a very small amount each trip – like only 10lbs. My cats weigh more than that. I don’t know what I did, but suddenly those 10lbs felt like 40 and there was pain concentrated in my lower back.

So I’m hobbling today. Definitely feels like a pinched nerve in my spine, not a muscle thing, so a call to my chiro may be in order. Damnit. Thankfully the pain has diminished some since I got home… I can always hope it just goes away on its own right? Not likely though. Just laying in bed tonight, I lifted my head and pain shot up my spine. Lovely.

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The boobs, they are ITCHY. Specifically my nipples. I was wearing my normal cami with a built-in bra today (way more comfortable than a bra), which is my usual work-wear, but today OMG, there must have been some tiny fur inside there or something, because it was driving me nuts. I’d hide in a room and stick my hand up my shirt to scratch under the cami, it was so bad.

Needless to say, I’m not wearing the cami tonight. I’m a little uncomfortable with no bra, but it’s better than the itchies.

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Devin is still happily head-down… I can tell, because I need to pee all. the. time. Sometimes at work I’m just like, “Look, I know I don’t REALLY need to pee AGAIN, you’re just pressing on my bladder. So can I please just finish what I’m doing first?” That works half of the time. At home like now though… gah, it’s so irritating to have to get out of bed ten times while I’m typing. Getting up out of bed and then getting back in and nestled into my mass of pillows takes time and is hard work (sometimes I have to take a breather afterwards!). Especially when my back hurts!

I really love those precious moments when he sticks his hands down and pushes on my bladder. LOVE that. Nothing like feeling the overwhelming need to pee my pants in the middle of work.

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Speaking of work and pain… I am starting to feel relieved that I’ll be giving up some of my hours come the last week of February. I’m only working 10 hours a week (well… usually it’s more than that, but I get paid for 10), and a lot of it is stuff that they need me to keep doing until I go on full maternity leave when the baby comes. Some of my hours consist of helping my supervisor out with the cleaning. I don’t do any of the heavy work, just sweeping and cleaning up small messes, putting down fresh water and food, etc. And the way it’s going to work is that my supervisor will take over most of my stuff while I’m gone, and my “replacement” will either help her with it or take over some of the cleaning stuff she normally does to free up her time. (My replacement isn’t as able to take over my duties.)

Well we’ve been sorting this all out for a while, trying to figure out when to transition things over to the new girl so that she can get the hang of things while I’m still around as a backup. It’s been decided that as of Feb 25 she’ll take over some of my hours so she can learn the ropes. And it was hard to do that, because the money is nice – well, right now money is a lot more than nice. And while we were planning all this I still felt fine doing everything I have been doing.

This past week though, boy, I’ve been feeling it more and more. And today really clinched it for me – I’m ready to give up some of my stuff. I’m getting slower and slower at it, and things are getting harder to do. And with my back… well the last thing I need is to really wrench something right before I go into labor. That would be some major suckage.

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This whole post may read like a whine, I realize. It’s not. It’s funny because it’s like, “Boy this sucks. Isn’t it great?!” I’m very aware that all these inconveniences are only temporary – and they really are just inconveniences. I do want to document everything though – the good and the bad. Pregnancy isn’t all roses and sunshine. Nope. You got the achy shit, the poor sleep, the stomach issues and the really weird shit that like to pop up and make you freak out a little bit. But that’s part of the package. I can appreciate the whole package. I can appreciate that, even though Devin’s kicking my ribs and making me yelp, it means he’s in there, active, doing well. I guess parenthood is kind of like this too – or so I would assume: the kid won’t always be a perfect angel, and there will be days when I’ll want to rip my hair out and lock one of us in a bathroom, but the good stuff far outweighs the bad.

Now let’s see if I can get some sleep… after I pee one more time.

I caught him, I caught him!! Ahahahaha.

A “before” picture:

Looking pretty symmetrical. (And yes, I have an innie when I lay down, tee hee.)

Of course then nothing happened and I just typed away on my laptop for a while. Then THIS happened and I grabbed my camera quick and got off a blurry shot:

A foot, a knee, a butt?? Not sure. A large lump protruding. A minute later it was down to this:

So funny.

I have figured out how to get Devin to stop pushing out in all weird directions: grab a camera and point it at my stomach. I have our old camera, that has macro mode, so I could snap a shot or two of the HUGE lump that sticks out when Devin is groovin’ around in there like he was just a little while ago. Soon as I get the camera? Silence. Dead silence. I poke him, he kicked halfheartedly. Apparently he went to sleep.

I put the camera down, my belly rolls. I get it turned on, aimed and ready – not one movement. HOW DOES HE KNOW??

I think obstinate is going to be this kid’s middle name.

PS – I am 32 freakin’ weeks pregnant. I have no idea how I got to 32. Did we skip some numbers in there or something? I just keep reminding myself that I still have 8 weeks left. I am NOT ready yet.

Today we went to a party for a work-friend of Den’s. It was a little up-in-the-air, since Den realized he had a prior commitment this evening. I told him I’d bake myself a cake and hunker down with a book and I’d be fine, no worries. And that’s exactly what I did… and just as I sat down with my first piece of cake and my book, the phone rung. Den had gone to his man-dinner (game supper with his buddies), eaten, then excused himself saying he had somewhere to be. I told him he really didn’t have to do that, but he said he felt bad cancelling our evening out on me. So I got dressed up and off we went! It was a little amusing showing up at someone’s house with a cake that had a large piece missing!

I must say, I really enjoy going out and being social now that I’m pregnant. I feel like I’m on display, and honestly… I love it. I wouldn’t want to be on the hot spot all the time, but I love how people stop to comment and ask when I’m due and how I’m feeling. I feel like I can finally celebrate. YES I’m pregnant! I am THRILLED about it! Yes yes yes!!

Going through infertility was such a miserable time, not only because I felt downright miserable to start with, but when people ask how you’re doing, or, worse, if you have kids, you can’t exactly blurt out that you’re infertile and your cycle just bit the big one and now you have bruises all over your stomach for no good reason. It’s just not the kind of thing you jauntily throw out during someone else’s party. So you feel isolated to start with, and then you really start to hope that no one asks about the kids deal. It all just sucks. So yeah, after a while I started avoiding social outings. I felt miserable, and I didn’t want to bring that to everyone else.

So yeah. It’s nice to just enjoy being out and around people. Doing the work that I do, I don’t really get out much. It’s not a HUGE deal to me… I think some people would go absolutely stir-crazy staying at home every day, or dealing with a very limited number of people on a weekly basis. I don’t mind it. I actually tend to get overwhelmed pretty easily, I rely heavily on having “down-time” every day. That’s part of the reason I’m not concerned about going stir-crazy as a SAHM… it’s what I do anyways, just without the kid. But of course I do need to get out sometimes. And I really appreciate that Den understands that. (Though part of the reason that he understands is that when he comes home from work I follow him around the house talking his ear off, lol! Hellooooo human contact!!)

Tonight I heard a lot of, “You’re due when? April? WOW you look fantastic!” I am appreciative that they were all so positive. I know some of my buddies online have gotten comments that weren’t quite so encouraging, things like, “You sure? You’re so small.” (What are they thinking when they say things like that? Oy.) But the women all said how good I’m looking, and that’s fine with me.

After friday I’m still feeling a little nervous about looking small (I know I am certainly not looking large), but I do have to just realize that it’s how my body is and it doesn’t mean anything bad, we know the baby is just fine. Trust in my body, that’s the key. With pregnancy, labor, breastfeeding… you obviously do what you can, I eat right, I read, I prepare… but in the end you can only do so much, you can’t control the situation, you have to trust in your body to do what it does. It should come as no surprize that the concept is rather new to me. I am not one to give up control easily. I am not one to have trust in anything. And yet something about being pregnant really has given me a type of self-confidence I never had before. It’s really quite… weird.

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Today (Saturday) Devin must have taken exception to the midwife saying my ute was measuring small, because he decided to expand and take up some more real estate: namely, my ribs. Ow man. Just ow. All day he was kicking me in the ribs on my right side… the same spot over and over. He’s never done that before. He must have just had a foot lodged up there and was pushing and stretching. It didn’t feel like normal little kicks… instead it was just like out of nowhere my ribs would hurt like crazy… then it would stop. So all day I was yelping and rubbing my ribs, as if pressing on them would somehow make him stop. I gave him a little talk, but he didn’t really want to listen I guess.

Thankfully tonight he has moved back down lower (probably more folded-up) and is making my belly dance before my eyes. That I can handle. It does get slightly uncomfortable when he really pushes hard, but it’s a heck of a lot nicer than the ribs, I must say. I’m starting to get nervous about him growing even bigger and being stuck in my ribs more permanently.

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Tonight we finally bit the bullet and ordered a camcorder. We’ve been talking about it ever since we got pregnant, it was definitely very high up on our list of things that we need to buy before the baby arrives. Den had a camcorder a long time ago – it broke and has been sitting useless for about, oh, 5 years. Once in a while we’d mention that it would be nice to take video of the dogs and cats, but it wasn’t a priority – I’m definitely far fonder of still photography. But we both absolutely insist on having a video camera to archive our child growing up. My own parents didn’t get a video camera until I was about 5 years old. We have some of the MOST adorable videos of my little brother, being around 2 at the time. I LOVE to watch those old videos. But I have none of me. Now obviously back then it was just the start of the technology really, so it’s not like I blame anyone… but I realize how precious those early videos are.

So anyways, today we finally made a decision and ordered one. Eeeep. Big step! Den decided on a JVC HDD camcorder, and we jointly decided not to spend the extra cash on a fully-loaded model (fully loaded with features we really don’t need). We went for a middle-of-the-road model, the JVC Everio GZMG255. It looks to have everything we want, and it should do us very well for many years. I hope. I always get so nervous with big purchases.

We wanted to get it before Devin was born… hopefully I’ll be able to take some video of my belly rolling around like crazy! We also really need to get some better video of the dogs and cats. All we have are some very very poor quality 30-second clips taken with our old digital camera’s movie mode (which sucks, lol). It’ll be so neat to have things saved on video forever. A lot of Zoe’s mannerisms, for instance… she’s the funniest little dog and she makes us laugh like crazy, and it’s not something that photos can ever do justice… and it’s nothing that anyone else will EVER see, unless it’s through a video. She’s terrified of strangers and would never act like her happy-go-lucky self with someone else in the house. It’ll be so much fun to show people what she’s REALLY like at home… all they ever see is this terrified dog hiding in the corner, sigh.

In any case, now I’ll have to figure out how to work the thing and get videos online! I’m not real fond of YouTube so I’ll have to find a place that hosts videos to share them here and with my parents. Actually, I still have to do that with photos too. I use photobucket for everything right now, but I’ll probably install a dedicated gallery on my other domain for my mom to access. She wants to be able to download full-size photos and/or order prints, though. That part could be a problem, since they live in Canada so the “normal” online places where you can order prints won’t work. What a pain.

After sleeping in all week until at least 10am, today I had a midwife appointment at 9:30 and a chiropractor appointment at 11:15. I was up at 7am, getting some emails sent and starting my day. I even packed a lunch for work, knowing that I tend to eat crap while there. I had everything loaded into my car by 9:00, including my laptop. I started the car and there was a little bit of ice on the windows, so I got out to scrape them.

And that fucking car had locked its doors. I don’t know why, I don’t know how, but I do know that all four doors were locked and I was NOT getting in. Inside the car, along with everything else, was my cellphone. I did however have a housekey in my pocket… not that that did me a lot of good, as we do not have a house phone. I emailed Den, but he’s normally busy during the day and doesn’t always get emails soon as you send them. So I did what any normal pregnant woman would do in that situation: I started sobbing.

Trying to stay calm and think clearly while obviously panicking… not an easy thing to do. I waited a few minutes to chill out, then walked next door to the neighbor’s house… they’ve helped me out before. And they have a phone. But no one was home.

I was standing on their front porch with red-rimmed eyes, looking completely dejected and at a loss, when the neighbor pulled into her driveway. She rolled down her window and asked what was the matter. I explained and she handed me her cellphone and invited me into the warm car. So I called Den and blurted out the situation – car running, doors locked, doctor appointment in 20 minutes, panic, panic, don’t know what to do. Den said he was coming home right away to take me to my appointment – which totally wouldn’t work, I said, because it takes him 20 minutes just to get home, and it’s another 30 minutes to the hospital. Neighbor says, “Oh, don’t worry about it – I’ll take you!” and before I know it, she’s pulled out of her driveway and driving me to the hospital. (We have VERY nice neighbors. They will be getting a thank-you gift.) Den said he was going to go home anyways and try to break into the car. Or something. I left it in his hands. Thank the light for husbands, that’s all I can say.

What a way to start a morning, I tell you. I show up 15 minutes late to my appointment, with no wallet, no notebook, no nothing. It felt very odd being there empty-handed like that. Thank goodness they don’t need to see an insurance card or copay or anything or I’d really have been up the creek. My neighbor dropped me off, then came and found the waiting room after parking the car. She sat with me while I waited. We chatted. I felt bad for her that I had to wait as long as I did before I got called in.

The appointment started like any other. Weight (157.2lb), blood pressure (119/70 – not suprizing it was higher than normal!), pee in a cup. Go sit in a room by yourself for a while with nothing to do except concentrate on not farting horrifically. (Lovely pregnancy side-effect there.)

The midwife came in, introduced herself. I’d never met this particular one before, and I really liked her. She flipped through my file, asked me a couple of questions about how I was doing. Hahah. Yeah. I told her about my morning… and I told her that I’ve been much more emotional this week than I usually am. She asked if I was still on the same dose of Celexa (yes) and if I felt like this was the depression worsening or not. I told her honestly, no, I think it’s just trying to get everything done, pregnancy hormones, and generally being overwhelmed. She agreed with me on that and was quite satisfied that I knew what I was talking about. She did mention Celexa and breastfeeding… she actually pulled out a PDA and looked up Celexa. She too agreed that it was far more risky to switch my drugs than to breastfeed while on Celexa.

Anyhow, when we were done with our chat I hopped up on the table for a quick belly exam. The heartrate was good, same as usual – sounded funny, she said, because he was facing my back, so not as clear reception. But the beat itself was nice and strong. She pulled out one of those little tapemeasure things and measured my fundal height.

I got off the table and sat back down in a chair and she says I’m measuring a little behind… I havent shown much growth. I ask just what I measured? 28cm, she says. She pointed out it can be off by a cm or two, but at 4cm lower than it should be…. well she wants me to have an ultrasound done to check on the baby’s growth. She tells me to sit tight and walks out to check on ultrasound availability.

Twitch. Okay, so everything is probably just fine. Lots of things can affect fundal height, right? She said so herself. Maybe my stomach muscles are tight and holding things in. (I nearly laughed at her when she said that.) Maybe the baby is just laying in a funny position.

She comes back and tells me that the ultrasound techs are booked solid and running behind, but they can get me in at 2pm, can I come back? Well let’s see… having to drive back to the hospital in the middle of my already-full work day… or wait until Monday and have all weekend to stress over it. YES PLEASE, 2pm works perfectly. No problems coming back. Nope. And off they sent me on my way.

When my neighbor dropped me off at home my car was off, unlocked, and the keys were safely in the house. Den was gone. I had no idea what he did, but he saved the day. Thank you, thank you, thank you!! (Later I found out he’d pried my window open a bit and shoved a piece of wood down inside to press the window-down button. So in the end, having my car being ON and locked is what saved us. Had it been off we would have still been up shit creek.)

I called Den on my way to the chiro and thanked him… and then had to tell him about the possible problem with the baby. There was silence and, “What does that mean?” Well… I don’t know, honestly. Den decided to come to the ultrasound appointment with me. I had kind of expected he’d want to be there… not just for a chance to see the baby, but, you know, if there was something wrong… well he’d want to be there.

So 2:00 found me back at the hospital with my husband, sitting in the waiting room making small talk and jokes and trying not to think of bad things. I refused to let myself think of bad things. I had 99.9% confidence it would turn out to be nothing. Den… Den was scared. Trying not to show it, but he was scared.

We were shown into an ultrasound room, I hopped up on the table. The U/S tech said, “So they’re worried about baby being small, huh?” Squirted goo on my belly and put down the wand. In a matter of minutes she had measurements of his head, belly, and femur. “Baby’s not small,” she says. Relief!! Calculations place his weight at 3lb 14oz, right where he should be at this time. Sounds perfect to me. She takes a few more pictures… measures his heartrate (149), gets some photos of his spine (“Apparently last time he didn’t want to show his back”), goes back to the face. Which was down low. He’s definitely head-down, she confirmed.

So she’s trying to get a picture of his face, she’s jiggling the wand around. She switches to another, larger wand, and goes back to where his head is, jiggling him and cajoling him. “Come on baby, turn your head! Let me get a picture!” Nope. He didn’t want to. She had me lay on my right side. She had me lay on my left side. She had me sit up for a while. She tried for quite some time, but this baby was NOT going to let her peek at his face.

After a little while I figured out what the big wand was…. it’s a 3-D scanner. She’d hold the wand still and press a button, and the screen would scan in and up would pop a 3-D image! Unfortunately most her scans captured… well, not much. Random blobs of things. She tried again and again to scan his profile for us, but the kid was being totally obstinate. She said his hand was covering his face, pushing at the wand… and his feet were kicking at it too. Plus he wouldn’t turn his face towards the wand for anything.

In the end she got a couple of body part photos for us – which is far more than we expected to walk out with! Den was simply giddy with relief and the photos that we did get. I walked out still feeling rather dazed by the day. I can’t say I’m not a little excited to have some 3-D photos of him. I can’t say I’m not a little disappointed that we couldn’t get a photo of his face. But after everything that happened today… the car keys and the rushing around late for everything and the scare that something may be wrong with his growth… I don’t know. I still feel a little numb. And exhausted, to tell the truth. As excited as I am to have gotten another, unexpected glimpse of my baby, I’m upset that we had to have an ultrasound at all.

Here’s the photos that we did get…

The hand that kept pushing us away

A foot

An ear

And this was the best we could get of his face… the tech cleverly cut out some of the matter that was obscuring his face and revealed pouty lips and a wide nose.

I feel so emotionally drained. What a week.

Didn’t mean to leave you all hanging, wondering if I’d gone off the deep end for good this time. Today was actually a better day, I got a couple of things done, even cleaned and organized my desk (well…. most of it). No random bawling today… though I do find my eyes welling up at very random things, which is frustrating. My mind is yelling, “Oh get a grip!!” So I just try to tackle one thing after another which is so hard when I’m in a position like this, I find it hard to concentrate on “just this one thing” and instead end up getting very overwhelmed by the big picture. I just want to get a handle on my life before the baby comes. I want to set my affairs straight, I want to close out projects, I want to tidy everything up so it runs smoothly. This is being far more frustrating than I bargained for. I can’t – and won’t – get into it here, because I’m just frustrated beyond all heck some days. I can’t decide if thumping my head into a wall or burying it in sand would be more effective.

I did sleep for a long time while Den was at work. That was nice. And probably needed. Woke up all sweaty again – I know I had had some type of dream, but it was the kind that disappeared as soon as my mind surfaced. So both me and the sheets got washed. I do love love love the feel of clean sheets, but at this point it’s just frustrating too, knowing I’m going to have to wash them in a couple of days again!

Tidying up my desk was spent sitting in my desk chair, with a large box of papers on the floor beside me (I swept everything off my desk into the box, then started going through it piece by piece). I grunted every time I bent over to pick something up out of the box, feeling my belly smoosh against my legs. At one point I stood up to file something and this sharp almost-pain stabbed at my left side. I yelped a little and immediately my hand went to the site… and found a foot sticking WAY out. Dude, he was really shoving me hard! I pushed that little foot in and told him I was sorry for squashing him, but stop hurting mommy!

He’s been very active today… active while I was cleaning, while I was watching TV, even now as I’m laying here typing. Guess he’s not very sleepy today. It is just so funny watching my belly roll around, large bumps sticking up here and there. I just love it. Can get a little uncomfortable, but it’s just so reassuring.

The stretch marks on my boobs have now expanded to above my nipples. Just slightly.. a couple of very small stretch marks… but I can see them there. The Linea Nigra under my belly button is still there, but very very light. I can only really notice it in the right light. No stretch marks on the belly.

The blood flow issues, they continue to annoy me. I’ve mentioned before how I can’t sleep laying on an arm or anything, because it cuts off the blood flow and my hand goes numb. That’s understandable. It has gotten to the point now that I can’t sleep with my arm flopped over my head either (hand sort of up in the air)… my hand starts to go tingly. I’ve learned I basically need to sleep with all limbs at heart-level or below.

Some of my forum friends are getting to the point of having babies. This is kind of scary to me. I’m not far behind them, and I thought I had more time! Well, I probably do. I really really don’t expect to be going into labor before 40 weeks, though we shall see. But it’s a little freaky when they’re all getting the last few things done before baby actually arrives, and we haven’t set up anything yet… I’m just not ready to set things up yet!

I guess that’s what kind of weird about these last months. I could have two full months. I could have only one. That’s rather a large window!

Strangely, I am not really feeling much panic over the situation. I’m not going to get ready early “just in case.” If baby comes early, then we’ll come home and set up the cosleeper (which we have). The only thing we don’t have that we will really need very soon is the carseat… we have the cosleeper, the diapers, some baby clothes. I’ve got my boobs. We even have a blanket or two. So really, everything the baby needs. That takes a load off of my mind… just having those diapers sitting there in the box in the corner, knowing they’re there, and having the cosleeper also in a box in the corner.

Sometimes I feel guilty about all the “stuff” I’ve registered for. I did try to keep it down and not register for a lot of frills, but there are days when it all feels like frills. And you know… there’s a part of me that feels really guilty about having a shower. I love getting gifts and all, but I feel guilty that I’m asking people to come to a party and give us a gift. MIL called me today with some questions about the registry and I realized I’d just really rather not know about any of it. I’m not looking at my registries at all. Part of it is me wanting to be surprized. And part of it… yeah, that guilt thing. I don’t want to sit here and think about how much people are spending on us (because I’ll think it was too much!).

I am really looking forward to my shower, though. I’m so glad Den’s going to be there. And Kel!! I think I am MOST excited about Kel coming to visit. I can’t believe it’s in only a week! Wow. Aint that crazy.

…. another meltdown. I sure hope this is just temporary or it is going to be a LONG two months.