Back when Kate started solids strawberries and grapes were her favorites. She would eat them all the time if I gave them to her, and she would get so excited at the sight of them!

Sometime over the summer she decided she no longer liked either – to the point where she refuses to put either in her mouth, period. I kept offering but got tired of picking up strawberries off the floor and throwing out half the carton. Two of the very few foods she refuses to eat, by the way.

Last week we were over visiting her cousins at around lunchtime. My SIL was dishing out handfuls of cut-up strawberries from a tupperware container for both of them. Kate stared and started yelling at me for some. I explained that they were strawberries, you don’t LIKE them, but she was apparently hungry and continued to yell. So fine, I grabbed one little piece and popped it in her mouth. I waited. She chewed. She opened her mouth again and squawked like a hungry baby bird. Uhhh, what? So I kept offering her more, and she kept on eating. She ate a whole bowl of strawberries! Amazing!

Today I bought a carton of strawberries and cut them all up in advance. At lunch time I grabbed some in a small bowl and picked one little piece up, preparing to put it directly in her mouth so as to avoid the initial refusal. Well she refused anyway. She shook her head from side to side, mouth clamped shut, and growled, “Mmmmm!” at me, which I gather to mean something along the lines of, Stop it!! I persevered and finally pushed a small piece of strawberry into her mouth. She stared at me with annoyance. Her mouth hung open. Drool pooled up. Her mouth slowly closed and she chewed a little. Then her face brightened up.

After a few more hand-fed pieces I gave her the whole bowl, which she proceeded to empty in short time with the assistance of her fork. Strawberries? WIN!

Now we’ll just have to see how she reacts again next time.

Toddlers are weird.

Being nauseated I have sampled the spectrum of crackers.

First I was extremely pissed off that my grocery store no longer carries Arrowroot cookies. WTF? How can you not sell Arrowroot baby cookies? They were my STAPLE last time I was pregnant. I don’t know what to do about this.

So then I started with the basics: saltines. Okay they suck. I know people swear by them, but I can’t eat more than two. They just… bleh. Cheez-its? I don’t know what it is, maybe they’re too salty. Or something. I haven’t touched them since I bought them. On to graham crackers. These were good! Delicious, even, with cream cheese! I wanted them every day! Until I didn’t. And now I don’t want them at all.

I have found that the perfect 3am nausea cracker is a TownHouse Original. Such buttery, crunchy goodness that settles my stomach.

::

At first I was all Hungry Hungry Hippo and eating everything in sight. I was happy when eating, and nauseated as soon as I stopped. And the cravings? Not so much as cravings-out-of-the-blue, but more if I saw it, I HAD to eat it. Opening the fridge was a dangerous prospect, as there were so many yummy things in plain sight! I did eat a lot of fruit, along with cheese, yogurt, eggs, whatever else. I had worries of gaining 60lbs this time.

This week it’s gone 180 degrees and now I want nothing. I’m choking down food just because I know I have to eat something. The couple of things that sound somewhat appetizing are crackers and rice crispy treats. Clearly I cannot survive on rice crispies treats (although the past two days I did give it a good try). Opening the fridge now makes my stomach turn over.

I am really hoping this nausea tapers off by the end of my first trimester. The one good thing is that the constant nausea is very reassuring that everything is still okay in there, but still… it is tiring feeling sick all the time.

My nausea is still kicking around, but I’m at least feeling like I have more life in me – I haven’t felt like I needed to be permanently attached to the couch this week. Some food stays down, some food comes up. Hopefully it improves.

::

Kate has been very bored lately. We realized that she had all the same toys in the living room as she’s had pretty much since her birthday. She’d play with something for 5 seconds, then toss it to the side and whine. She’s been demanding TV all the time recently, which does NOT make me happy. I have been turning on her shows more often lately, just because I’ve felt so sick…. and I feel bad enough about that. But then to have her yanking on my hand and yelling because she wants more? Umm. No. So today I cleaned out the living room, storing most of the toys in the basement for a month or two until they are “new” again. I picked her up a few new things that she didn’t have, like a xylophone.

One of the things I got today is one of those inflatable bouncie horses. I’d been debating getting one for a while and I saw one at BRU for $15. Can’t beat that. Unfortunately Kate is apparently scared of it. She practiced some cow[horse]-tipping, but that was it. Later Den sat her on it and bounced her gently, saying, “Wheeee!” She lost her balance and tipped forward, touching its head and ears. She freaked out crying. FAIL. WTF?

Tonight the three of us had a lot of fun playing with a ball. And reading books. And playing peek-a-boo with old hats and scarves. I’d like to find/make more things for her to play with, but I’m at a loss. She still eats things, so crayons/coloring is out, same with beans/sensory tubs. I am definitely not bringing a water table inside. She likes to climb, but other than the couch there’s not much else that’s safe, as judged by the large bump she has on her cheek from falling off of our end table yesterday.

I’ve been trying my best to take her out places. There’s a local gymnastics place that does drop-in open play for toddlers – basically just turning them loose on all the mats, bars, trampoline and ropes. She’s not an extremely adventurous kid, but she does enjoy herself, and it’s one place she’s allowed to climb everything! Thursday morning there’s a local place that has a drop-in open swim, and I may be brave enough to try that tomorrow, if I’m not feeling too sick….. although the thought makes me shiver. (Even indoor pools… getting out is cold!) I think the library does a toddler reading time, I need to put that on my calendar as well. I’d take her outside, but in the front yard she wants to run for the road, and in the (fenced) backyard she runs to the door and just stands there. I do NOT understand that. We have fun toys, a slide, a HUGE yard… and she whines at the door. WTF. There are local parks, but I must say how exhausting it is to constantly be grabbing your toddler as they try to tackle things that are too much for them. Most playgrounds are not made for 1 year olds.

Trying to keep her occupied and engaged is definitely tiring!

I feel so ill. And not ill as in my-kid-got-me-sick, or I-ate-something-bad, but in the I have a fetus in my belly that apparently wants to turn my stomach inside out way. It started when I hit 7 weeks. Well, no, it started sooner than that, but it got worse at 7 weeks. Before then was dry-heaving and gagging. Now I’m throwing up entire meals – with no pre-amble, no working up to it, just feeling fine, not feeling fine, then someone flips a switch and my entire meal comes back up. UGH. It’s worst in the morning. I’m fine when I’m in bed, but as soon as I get up I’m nauseated…. I eat breakfast, which seems to settle it, but I guess not enough, as breakfast inevitably comes back up. Sometimes my second attempt at breakfast does, too. The rest of the day I’m keeping things down, as long as I keep eating. I have become an eating machine. Not because I’m hungry, but because it’s the only thing that keeps the nausea down.

I started taking the unisom again, which is what worked for me for both prior pregnancies. Unfortunately I’m not really seeing a difference. I may have to call the midwives to see if I can get zofran or something else that will help. I’m all for powering through and feeling reassured by the nausea, but I’m hitting the stage where I’m not really functional. Especially since I have a toddler to take care of during the day!

I’m really glad Den is home this weekend, as he pretty much watched Kate all day while I layed on the couch and then went back to bed. Apparently she is much happier if I’m locked in the bedroom than laying in the living room – if I’m out here she wants me to PLAY with her… or she wants to use me as a jungle gym. I don’t have to explain how that doesn’t go over well. I felt so bad ignoring her all day, but she clearly had a great time with her daddy, I heard lots of giggles and babbling.

Today Kate was up a little earlier than usual and neither one of us were the perkiest we’ve ever been. I was tired and kept trying to fall asleep on the couch (only to be woken by a child yelling that the cartoon had ended, turn another one on, mom! Not that one! Another one!), and Kate, in between yelling at me, was kind of whiny.

By 10:30 she was really whiny, but didn’t want to eat, didn’t want a sippy, didn’t want to sit with me. She doesn’t take her nap until noon or so, so that didn’t really cross my mind… until she tugged on my hand, ran down the hall to her bedroom, and pulled me over to her crib. I picked her up to judge the situation and she, figuring she got her point across, laid her head on my shoulder with a little sigh and went all limp-noodle on me – her sign for “I’m going to sleep now, night night.” I put her in her crib, expecting her to jump up and yell at me. Instead she rolled over and grabbed her Violet bear. I left and closed the door. There was not a peep.

I scratched my head. Did my toddler just ASK to be put down for an early nap??

So I took the opportunity to sneak into my bedroom and crawl into my bed for a nap, too. We slept for 3 hours.

It’s kind of unbelievable that this is the same kid who two weeks ago was screaming fits at me every time I put her in her crib, even if she was fully asleep when I layed her down. Now she’s back to being happy as a clam in there, and when she wakes up and yells to call me I don’t walk in to a hysterical baby, I find her sitting playing music on her Violet, holding her pacis… and when she sees me she gets up and dances for a few minutes while I clap.

I’m also working on night-weaning her (again). Being pregnant and tired and sick I really can’t do the 3am wake-up every single night when there is really no reason for it at all, just habit. So the last few nights when she woke up I went in to hug her, cuddle her, rock her, and put her back in her crib. I can’t say she’s impressed with this change, but she falls back asleep within 15 minutes… and then sleeps the rest of the night through. I’m really hoping after another day or two she’ll stop waking up at 3am!

Yesterday after we were all done eating dinner Den shouted down the hall at me, “What does this sign mean?? Kate keeps doing it and saying ‘Ma!'” I poked my head around the corner and he showed me. It was the sign for “more.” We turned to Kate and asked her if she wanted some more food? She ran to her highchair, tried climbing in, and punctuated it with a yell. When we gave her some cheese she gobbled it up.

Kate does a lot of signs in response to seeing things or pictures, or when I say words. She’ll mimic things back at me, but I always have to ask her first. This was the first time she’d ever spontaneously signed at us in an attempt to communicate something she wanted. So awesome!

::

I’ve started calling the baby The Alien In My Belly (TAIMB for short). It’s making me quite sick the last few days and every time Den asks me what’s wrong I moan, “the Alien hates me!”

Oh yes, the nausea has definitely kicked up a notch as the week progresses. The last two days I vomited up my entire breakfast without much warning or to-do, just dashed and puked. Despite me not taking my prenatal before bed nights are still not being much fun at all. If Kate doesn’t wake me up several times a night this nausea certainly does, and I’m flitting between the toilet and bed trying to decide how bad it’s going to be. Laying down is not helpful. (Then again, neither is sitting up.)

I have a feeling Kate’s going to be watching a lot of TV for the next month.

::

Make that three days of throwing up breakfast. Oh I really am not a fan of the first trimester.

Things finally turned around with Kate’s sleep! I got tired of saying “She’s not sleeping,” but she wasn’t sleeping well at all for about a month. She was screaming when I put her in her crib, and the only way to ensure she would actually stop screaming and sleep was to make sure she was absolutely exhausted when I put her in there. She was waking frequently, and then refusing to go back to sleep no matter what I did. For a week or so she’d actually go back to sleep as long as I stayed on the bed with her – if I left, or if I tried to move her, game over, we’re up watching TV at 4am. I was so tired and frustrated and starting to wonder if it was actually going to end. I got a lot of advice from people, mostly unhelpful, about just letting her scream all night and “she’ll figure it out.” Except they don’t really KNOW my kid. There were nights I was just so exhausted I did let her cry it out and she cried for hours before falling asleep… only to wake back up and do it all over again.

So what did I do? Well, really… nothing. I think her molars finally finished coming in. We had finally decided to just take the DVD player away, it had gone on too long. We prepared ourselves for a fight, like every other time we tried to stop using it. So that night I did the usual to get her ready for bed, then rocked her in the dark, kissed her goodnight, put her in her crib. She started crying. I left. She… stopped. And minutes later she was asleep. No fit. No throwing everything out of her crib. It was a non-event. I knew the nap was going to be an issue, though, so I braced myself, and… I put her in her crib, she cried for a minute, and then fell asleep. Next night same thing, but even less noise, though we heard her mumbling to Violet in the crib. Today she didn’t cry at ALL. She rolled over to grab Violet and that was that – just like it used to be before those molars started fucking things up.

I am SO HAPPY. Granted she’s still waking twice a night to nurse (and go straight back to sleep in her crib), so I need to work on that, but just not having to fight with her, not having to listen to her scream unhappily, not having an exhausted kid who will not sleep… SUCH a relief.

::

I am still feeling nauseated, but it’s not so bad now that I’ve figured out the trigger. I have always taken my prenatal vitamin before bed. Always. Never had a problem with Devin, or Kate. But apparently this kid is playing a different game and that was making me sick all friggin night, then causing me to throw up multiple times first thing in the morning. I stopped taking it for a few days and voila, no more vicious midnight nausea. So I bought some flintstones vitamins to take during the day, I’m already taking extra folic acid each day. Hopefully that all works smoothly. Without puking. (Much.)

Yesterday morning when I went to the bathroom I was caught off-guard by a brown blob of CM. I was not amused. I didn’t freak out, mainly because I was half expecting this after I spotted a lot with Kate, but it still pissed me off. Can’t I just have an anxiety-free first trimester? But really, I know it’s common. It was definitely brown not red, it trailed off the rest of the day and then was gone, and I felt no differently than I did the day before. So I’m chalking it up to just a random thing, and trying not to worry.

Thankfully I really do feel a hundred times more relaxed about this pregnancy than I did with Kate. I’ve had a successful, healthy birth this time, plus I have Kate to spend my time and energy on. And if something did go wrong, it would be horrible but I would still have Kate. This pregnancy isn’t the only thing I have to hold on to. I’m thankful for that, it takes the pressure off, the desperation. Plus I think I’m still quite detached. Which, as a friend brought up, is probably a defense mechanism after losses.

The detachment is making me feel a little morose, though. I feel like I should be jumping up and down excited, but instead I feel very muted. Hopeful, sure. Happy, absolutely. But in moderation… with caveats.

Of course the surprise of this pregnancy is probably not helping!

::

Now that Kate is getting some real good nights sleep she is back to her happy, perky, funny-as-always self. She’s become such a toddler. And I mean that in a delightful way! Other peoples’ toddlers never interested me much (sorry to say), but my own toddler is amazing. She now gives hugs as well as kisses – both randomly and on request. She’s learned a bunch of body parts and I think it’s a funny trick to show off to family when they see her. She’s running now, a funny, crazy, sometimes-head-shaking toddler run. She loves to crash into my legs in a big hug. She also has learned to shake her head for no and nod for yes, but she really doesn’t know what they mean yet, she just does it back at you and laughs.

She’s also learned a bunch of signs. She’s so obsessed with those Signing Time DVDs (we limit it, or she’d watch them all day long!), she’s picked up a lot of signs that I have never used with her. Of course at this point a lot of her signs look the same, and often they look nothing like the original, but she’s consistent and I’m learning her versions. Milk and orange are pretty much the same, she doesn’t understand that orange is under the chin. Bird is pretty accurate, she likes that one. She LOVES train, though she signs it by tracing her forefinger on the back of her other hand – but she gets SUPER excited when she sees trains now and signs the word over and over! She knows bath and wash hands – she loves that one, rubbing her hands together as if washing. There are others, too, that I am forgetting. I need to learn a few more that aren’t in the DVDs because her new favorite thing to do is go through her picture books and practice the sign (or verbal word, if she knows it) for each picture. You can just tell how excited she is to learn all these names for things!

This week I’ve been feeling more hormonal and it’s causing me to get very mushy around Kate. I do tend to hug and kiss her a lot anyways, but I catch myself now squeezing her tight and tearing up because I just love her so very much. I am such a lucky mama to get this fabulous kid. Even if she’s a fussy sleeper. ;)

I saw my midwife this morning – well, one of the many midwives, but I booked this appointment with the one who caught Kate (I hesitate to say “delivered,” since she literally just put out her hands and caught!). She congratulated me and gave me a hug and looked Kate over. It was so nice to see her, and to hear how happy everyone there is for me!

The actual appointment was nothing important, she just made sure to tell me to eat healthy and eat frequently, since I’m breastfeeding and pregnant. I’ve been eating a lot of fruit lately, but I really need to work on my veggies. Then she listened to my lungs and checked my breasts while Kate sat on my lap and said, “Eenngghhhh?!” at someone else touching her milkies, lol. I decided not to do an internal or pap; I have had no spotting this pregnancy and I’d really like to keep it that way, avoid the whole mental breakdown part.

Kate was pretty good the entire time, though you could tell she was itching to touch everything in the room. And she did touch – with one finger. I said, “Nooooo,” and she shook her head at me, giggled, and stopped touching. She was restless, though, and unfortunately I don’t get an internet connection in there so I couldn’t turn on the youtube videos she likes to watch. Gah! Maybe I’ll see if someone can watch her for my next appointment.

Then the Midwife hopped over to the ultrasound group to see if they could get me in for a quick dating ultrasound. And they could! What a difference it was from the last ultrasound. This time the woman had me lay down and lift my shirt. She scanned through my uterus and I could already see a sac with a blob in it. She focused in on the blob and said, “There’s the heartbeat!” Just like that. She measured the CRL at 6w1d, which gives me a due date of May 23 – the day after Kate’s birthday. Haha. I knew it.

(How to get an ultrasound with a toddler with you? I sat Kate next to me on the bed, pointed at the ultrasound machine, and said, “Look, a TV screen!” Problem solved.)

So here you are, the blob that is Baby #3. (I’m relieved and keep wanting to tell people, “There really IS a baby in there!” But that might come off as a little weird, lol.)

The other day when she was getting tired she walked over to me and grabbed my finger and tugged. She led me to her bedroom door. I turned on the DVD player and put her in her crib. Then I left. And she didn’t make a peep. As much as she loves the DVD she always cries for at least a few seconds when I leave the room. I guess she really did want a nap?!

Later I was draped over the toilet, heaving, arms braced on the toilet seat to each side. Kate ran over to me and nudged her head under my left arm so she too could stare in the toilet. Then she looked at me and grinned, like it was some new fun game we were playing – toilet studying or something.

Nausea is really kicking in. It’s around most of the day, but it’s getting more insistent. Monday was the first time I had to put Kate down and dash for the toilet – I didn’t throw up, but I really wasn’t sure. A lot of gagging.

I had a craving for cream of wheat, so I went and bought some. Yummy. I am eating cheerios almost every day, they seem to taste good. Everything else seems to be trigger-based: if I see it, I want it. Now. (I just saw a hotdog in a picture. Damnit. I wonder if we have any left in the fridge.)

I got Kate some megabloks last week and she’s already figured out how to put them together and take them apart. However taking them apart apparently always involves using her teeth. Weird kid. The best one was when she pulled off a block with her mouth, but had blocks in both hands already. So she walks over to Denis and leans forward, both arms held out to the side. Bending at the waist she leaned down to his hand and deposited the block from her mouth into his hand. Then she stood up and happily walked off.

For the first time in quite some time Kate is in bed, Den has gone to bed, Kate has not woken back up again (yet), and I have some honest free time – no homework, no phone calls, no chores. (Well, there are always more chores, but nothing I have to desperately get done right this second.) As I said goodnight to Denis I said, “I have no idea what I’m going to do with my time, but I know it will be relaxing. And it will involve Cheerios.” Apparently this pregnancy favors cheerios.

This pregnancy is also starting to favor nausea. It comes and goes, but it’s sticking around a bit more, making me want to throw up. I’m also getting heartburn some nights, which is bizarre because the only time I have ever had heartburn was in the third trimester with Kate (that I can remember, at least). My stomach just feels all gassy and gurgly and I feel a lot of pressure at the top of my stomach. I need to burp a lot, and that leads to gagging. Today as I was just hanging over the toilet just in case Kate helpfully ran up to me and burrowed her head under my arm so that she could see into the toilet, too. She grinned at me and giggled, like this was some new fun game. I told her just not to throw anything in. Yeah, morning sickness is going to get really interesting with a toddler around.

We haven’t told family and local people yet, mostly because I’m still not really comfortable dealing with the over-optimistic nothing-will-go-wrong congratulations that most people will give. But it does make for a bit of a situation. If I do lose this pregnancy what am I going to do, pretend it never happened? Never mention it? Not tell people why I’m so upset? That’s not my way. And it would feel weird to just be all, “Oh yeah, you didn’t know I was pregnant, but I was and now I’m not.” Though I think that is the more likely for me. Hopefully soon I might be able to get another little ultrasound just to confirm that there is in fact a baby in there (they could see on a sac last week, I was too early to see anything else). Then hopefully I’ll feel comfortable enough to share the news and celebrate a little bit.

Plus, you know, if I start puking at every family function someone’s going to figure out that something’s up.