Right off the top: everything is fine.

Tuesday I had my first appointment with a nurse. She was very nice and chit chatted with me as she asked questions and filled out my medical history. I always forget to bring in my typed list of IVFs and surgeries. When she asked what my last menstrual period was I told her the date and then told her that I’m positive I ovulated a week or two late, so I won’t be as far along as they think I am. With my history of a prior ectopic she agreed it was a good idea to get an ultrasound done ASAP.

Now I was thinking that they would do something next week, I’d get to see the heartbeat and they would date the pregnancy and we’d all be happy. But to check for an ectopic she scheduled it that evening. And since it was a “check for ectopic” she said the normal pregnancy ultrasound group in the hospital won’t do it, I had to go to Radiology. I didn’t think too hard about what that meant.

I dropped Kate off with a friend for my appointment (Den was working late), and drove in to the hospital. I found Radiology (not easy) and got myself checked in. I was calm. Well, mostly – I hate ultrasounds. My palms get all sweaty and I get flashbacks. But I felt good about this pregnancy and wasn’t concerned. The tech called my name – a male. He checked to make sure I was okay with a male tech and explained that when he did the vaginal ultrasound a female would be sitting in the room with us. Okay, fine, I’m not picky. He was very polite, very nice. I explained to him that I know by LMP I should be 7 weeks along, but I ovulated late and am about 5 weeks, so I don’t expect him to see much.

It was when he started with the abdominal ultrasound that I realized that this was going to be very different than what I was expecting or hoping for. I could see the screen at first as he measured my ovaries and my uterus and other random shapes I couldn’t identify. He was very detailed, it seemed. And very, very quiet. I belatedly remembered stories of friends getting ultrasounds where the tech told them they weren’t allowed to say anything or show them anything. I was trying hard to see anything recognizable in my uterus, but I am honestly not used to early abdominal ultrasounds and figured at 5 weeks I probably wouldn’t even see a sac abdominally anyways.

When he had me sit up and wipe the goop off to prepare for the vaginal ultrasound I asked him if he could tell me anything at all. He told me that, no, they weren’t allowed to, he gives the results to a doctor, they give it all to my doctor, who would then call me with any information. Holy fuck. Are you kidding me? That is not acceptable. I didn’t say that, but I sure as hell thought it. He understood what I meant he said he’d check with the doctor on staff afterward to see if there was any information he could give me.

The vaginal ultrasound seemed to take forever. It was probably 10 or 15 minutes. He had moved down along with the screen so I couldn’t see anything at all. I could hear him clicking, feel the slight pressure from the ultrasound wand, and I layed there trying to imagine what he was seeing. Was he taking an awful long time on my left side that has a tube? It couldn’t possibly actually be ectopic. I’d have felt something. And the odds of that are ridiculous. But then again, me with odds. Or maybe it’s triplets or something – maybe the soy did something crazy. He’s going to go get the doctor and they’re going to come in for another look and sit me down for a discussion. Or maybe there’s nothing at all in there and he just doesn’t want me to cry.

It was an excruciatingly long time spent staring at the butterflies on the ceiling tile, wondering what the hell was going on. I tried to mentally remove myself but I kept thinking about Devin and the ectopic and ultrasounds and bad news. My hands shook. I didn’t use my phone – I thought that might look weird, me surfing the internet on my droid while getting a vaginal ultrasound – but I clutched it in my hands, ready to shoot off a panicked text message to my friend.

When he was done he got me towels and told me he’d be back. He left the room for a good 5 or 10 minutes. More bad thoughts in my head. I sent that text, and a few others. I tried to breathe to calm myself.

Finally he comes back and says, “Well, everything looks good. There’s a small sac located in the uterus, which is what we would expect to see with someone about 5 weeks. A little bit of free fluid, but that’s not significant.”

And that was that. He said goodbye and I left Radiology. And then I walked to my car and sat in it, shaking, on the verge of tears – of relief, and of frustration at having to endure that. I will never go to Radiology for another pregnancy ultrasound unless it’s a life or death situation. If there is ever a next time I will not be getting checked for an ectopic – I will wait until I have pain or not.

Oh, and the machine wasn’t able to measure accurately since it’s so small and early, so I still don’t have a due date, though at least I have confirmation that I am as far along as I think I am. So next week they may want to do another ultrasound for dating, and I would get to hopefully see a heartbeat then too. But that would be at the pregnancy ultrasound office, where they talk to me and give me pictures.

So in the end everything is fine. There is one sac (not three), and it’s in my uterus where it should be. That is a huge relief.