Kate and I have been keeping quite busy lately!

Wednesday my friend and I took our kids to the zoo. The kids seemed kind of unimpressed, but sat in their strollers looking at everything quietly while us moms were all, “Oohhh, look at the cougar!! Did you see that bear?! Oh the fox!!” Clearly people like us have kids so we can do the fun things that people don’t typically do as adults. We also saw a monkey nursing her little toddler-monkey (and commented on how we really felt for the mom, having the toddler leaning everywhere and climbing all over her while mom just stared off into space), and a kangaroo with a baby climbing in and out of her pouch and nursing. (JLK: “Lucky her, she has a built-in carry pouch!” Me: “She’s probably thinking Kid, seriously, get off me for two seconds!“) I of course took pictures of all of them.

Thursday we were at the park with the moms group. I remembered to put sunscreen on Kate, but not myself so I had some pink on my shoulders, even though we were in the shade under the trees on the playground. But Kate had a great time! She’s really mastered climbing up and down steps on playground equipment. Getting down a step is kind of funny to watch because she sits down at the edge and then scoots forward until her feet touch the ground. It was a nice little gym, with wide deep steps and bars all along the sides except where the ladder went up. There was of course a slide, maybe 5 or 6 feet tall, plastic with a wavy bump in the middle. I went down it with Kate on my lap and quickly realized that those slides are NOT meant for adult legs, ouch my knees. Kate would climb up and play around at the top and climb up and down the steps with the other kids. She would sit at the top of the slide and wiggle forward as if she was going to go down it, I’d put out my hands to hold hers, then she’d roll over and climb away. I tried a few times but she just wasn’t interested. She was enjoying herself climbing around and I was chatting with some other moms. I was frequently turning to check her location. Then as I’m turning my head to look I see my child blur past my vision down the slide by herself. She slid to a stop at the bottom (didn’t fall off the bottom of the slide, thankfully), laying on her back staring at the sky. Gave me a damn heart attack. Of course my kid won’t go down with help, but she’ll go down all by herself. (She learned how to go down slides on the slide at our house, a very small toddler slide. I guess she figured to try the big one in the same manner!) She wasn’t scared, didn’t cry, I picked her up and put her by the steps and she climbed right back up the equipment. She did not go down the slide again, however – I think it was a bit more than she was expecting!

After playtime the moms all sat on the grass, most with blankets to sit on, having a picnic lunch. Kate predictably was not interested in what I’d brought for her, so I was eating my sandwich and the apple slices I’d brought. She drank some milk from her sippy and tried dropping food in the grass. While I ate she got up and was being social. Next thing I notice she’d walked over to another little toddler’s blanket and started eating the puffs that were sprinked around him (I went to get her, but the mom said it was fine). She then proceeded to go around “visiting” with everyone on their blankets, mooching food! Goldfish crackers, cheese… whatever, she was flirting and trying to snag other kids’ sippy cups (umm, NO, I think not!). Kind of hilarious, kind of frustrating!

Kate is definitely not a clingy baby when she’s feeling good. I’m always having to check to see where the heck she’s gotten off to, and oftentimes I’d be watching her toddler-run across the darn field. (I’d wait a minute or two to see if she’d turn around, then sigh and get up to run after her.) She loves following kids around, and she’ll just walk off to go visit people.

Yesterday we went to the beach with our friends! This is the second time Kate has been to the beach. She did really well with the sand, although my prissy girl is not as enthralled by playing in sand as one would think a kid would be. She played with a bucket and shovel for a little bit, but then got up to walk around. Her favorite toy is my beach chair, again. Den was there to help out this time, which certainly came in handy at lunch time when Kate was tired and just wanted to be held the entire time.

We took the kids to the splash park. I’m really quite sad that Kate does not seem nearly as thrilled by water as I would have thought, given her love of baths. She was tentatively putting her hand in some sprays, but that was about the end of it, she’d run off and explore. She started walking through puddles, starting to have a good time. And then I saw her walk straight into the middle of what was a circle of fountains that turns on and off. It was off and Kate had no idea. I was just stepping towards her to grab her when it turned on. Water spraying up all around her, soaking her. Kate’s arms went up, and she started crying, very quickly becoming almost hysterical. I had to reach in and pull her out through the water and she was so upset! Sadly no pictures of this, though her face when it turned on was pretty priceless. She calmed down pretty quickly but was done with the splash park after that!

I also took her to the pool, which again, she’s not nearly as thrilled about as I would have expected. I think part of it is the cooler water than the bath water, but also it’s just unfamiliar for her. She whined and clung to my neck, clearly not pleased with this whole pool idea. But this time, as the first time we went to the pool, I let her “swim” to the side and pull herself out. I have to lean up to grab her hand so she doesn’t run off on me, so she turns around and walks to the edge and “jumps” in (walks off the edge into my arms). She seems to think that is a pretty fun game! So I’ll keep working on her with getting used to swimming and swishing in the water, but I’ll keep playing games and trying to make the experience enjoyable for her.

Today we are off to a friend’s Fourth of July party, with hopefully more swimming involved! Kate is having a packed summer. I just hope that I don’t get too burned. ;) (I’m already pinkish after the last two days, and I was wearing SPF 50 at the beach!)

It’s kind of strange most days, looking at myself in the mirror. I stare and tilt my head. There have been so many changes in the past few years; not just physical growing-older changes, but emotional hits that changed the person who looks out through my eyes. I look so much the same, but I feel 10 years older. It’s strange, too, to look in the mirror and realize that I’m a mother. Not just a ‘Oh my god, I have a baby!’ kind of new mother, but a tired because the child woke up at 5am, packing lunch-and-sippy, toddler slung on my hip mom. The kind I used to see all the time, the kind that seems to have their shit all together (but I realize that no one actually does, it just becomes second nature to do the best you can almost-but-not-quite-together). I don’t take it for granted, but it has become my life in a comfortable, feels like it’s always been here kind of way. I am happy. Tired, sometimes annoyed, most of the time laughing, but happy. Even though my kitchen is a mess and my laundry is always two loads behind. This is the easy stuff.

I find myself getting back to me. Not in a my-child-doesn’t-need-me-anymore kind of way, but more of a natural, ebbing, evolving kind of way. I have entire evenings all to myself, every night – something I didn’t even think was possible a few months back. I’m able to read books, work on a scrapbook, watch TV, or plan my dream house – uninterrupted. It’s kind of weird remembering how I used to have all this free time to myself before Kate arrived, how I used to spend hours upon hours just doing one thing for fun. Now I choose carefully or end up wasting two hours and feeling irritated with myself.

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Last week Kate got those two teeth she was working on, so now she has 4 on the top and two on the bottom! The bottom teeth are so small and adorably baby-ish, but the top teeth are so big and really make her look like a toddler now! She also thinks it’s kind of funny to slurp my nipple and nibble… not good with teeth. She doesn’t do it when she’s really hungry, but it’s all the in-between times during the day when she just wants to comfort nurse, isn’t really hungry, and is fooling around… those are the ones that I get annoyed and tell her boobies have gone away now. She doesn’t like it when I put them away, but tough, mommy doesn’t like getting chewed on, thanks.

She is pointing at everything now. She just loves it when we pick her up so she can point around the room. “Da. Da. Dsh.” She also has great fun sitting on our lap in front of the window so she can watch the dogs. She leans against the screen and bobs excitedly, pointing. It’s too bad they’re not better behaved indoors, because she really likes them!

The toys she is really into right now: pushing her shopping cart all over the house, pulling her snail all over, putting the magnets in this farm fridge set, and playing with the musical instruments of the b. parum drum set. Also a favorite is dumping her blocks out of the various bins I keep putting them in. I finally bought a small bookshelf for the living room to get all her little toys off the floor and into baskets, which works beautifully for the evenings. But of course she loves to empty them all so 10 minutes later it’s a trainwreck again. Life with a toddler.

This I learned this week from a roadtrip with a friend and our two kids to Ikea:

* I love Ikea. If I could I would drive there and buy myself a new kitchen right this second… in addition to shelves and closet organizers for throughout my house.

* Ikea’s showroom is all child-proof! Obviously not in a “let your child loose and ignore them” kind of way, but there’s no breakable objects, and they can climb on the toddler bed and open the dresser drawers and play at the toddler-size kitchen. Kate found a child push-wagon that she was pushing around for a little while, pleased as punch.

* Being stuck in a vehicle for over half an hour with two screaming children is kind of funny, if you can look past the “my eardrums may shatter soon” part.

* Screaming kids feed off of each other. (One would finally calm down, the other would give a cry, and then they’d both be screaming again. Kate normally just chills out in the car so it was weird! But they were tired and I guess she didn’t like her friend crying.)

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We’re having to baby-proof again. Or should I say, now we have to toddler-proof. My friend said that I should baby-proof everything at once, not scramble every month when she does something new… but what can I say, we do things piecemeal around here.

We can no longer use our end table since not only does she grab everything off of it (remotes, plates, cups of water…) but she’s started pushing it and flipping it over! She likes to stand on the underside and play with the legs. Talk about an unexpected problem to have… when I would try to picture what trouble we’d have with the side table I figured her hitting the corner and grabbing things were going to be the extent of it. Hahaha.

Also she has apparently grown another inch or two, as she can now reach the top of the table and desk. She can’t see, but she sticks her little hands up and grabs whatever her fingers touch, usually stacks of papers waiting to be filed. Agghhh. So I bought some shelves to put above my desk. As it is everything is piled on the desk and table to get it off the floor, and now that she can reach that too. As I told Den, we need to start using the vertical space in this house or we’re sunk.

Where did my little baby go? How does she look so big and sassy and smart and ohmygosh she’s a toddler!

She loves her water table and new slide (both birthday presents), not so fond of her toddler pool though. And look at how tall she looks, WTF!

And proof we actually do have dogs! Here’s the big guy, Zeeke (who apparently has no problems with Kate out in the yard).

And here’s my little girl, Zoe.

Ever since Kate started sleeping through the night a month ago she’s been waking up between 6 and 7am and refusing to go back to sleep. This is apparently now when her day starts. I realize this is a normal time for kids to wake up in the morning but after a year of a 9am wake-up I am less than thrilled. I tend to not go to bed until midnight, so getting up at 6am makes me Cranky. (I need 8-9 hours of sleep a night. Even broken sleep is okay, but don’t give me less or I’m just sulky.) Even now that Kate is back to waking up two or three times a night (thanks, teeth!) she’s still waking up at 7am. Yippee, the worst of both worlds!

Thankfully she is still very predictable about going down for a nap 2 hours after waking up. Whether we’re up at 6 or 9 she always goes down 2 hours later. Sometimes less, if she’s up super early or had a rough night. She goes down pretty easy and sleeps for 2-3 hours. I often go down with her to get those extra few hours of sleep.

The problem is that she’s been refusing to take a second nap. There was a stretch that she would only fit one nap in per day, when she started taking a 3 hour nap but was still getting up at 9am. Up at 9, down at 11, up at 2. The next time she could have taken a nap was 5, but that would totally fuck with bedtime and she seemed fine without it. Unfortunately now she’s getting up at 6, taking a nap from 8-11, and then refusing to nap the entire rest of the day. By evening she is a cranky, whiny mess and I’m highly irritable myself, having had no time to myself all day (since I took a nap with her, because of the whole 6am thing). She clearly needs 2 naps a day, but I am stymied as to how to get her to go to sleep in the afternoon. I’ve never had this problem before. Today she was looking a little tired, and it had been 2-3 hours since her nap so I tried putting her down. I even was able to nurse her well (she doesn’t always tolerate that during the day), cuddled her, put her in her crib, layed down. Well I fell asleep. I woke with a start 45 minutes later to find Kate sitting in her crib, babbling away and bouncing on her butt. She was apparently having a great time playing in her crib. She was not, however, sleeping. So of course after that failed attempt at a nap an hour later she fell asleep in the truck on the way to my appointment (which is why i was trying to get her to take a nap before my appointment). I will mention that between 3 and 4 she will fall asleep in the truck if we happen to be out… it’s the one way I can actually get her to take a nap in the afternoon, even when she won’t sleep in her crib during that time. I do all the same things as I do for her other nap time, I’ve timed it right (and tried different times), she’s giving me the “ready for nap” signals, all of it. I think she’s just firmly convinced that she doesn’t need a second nap. She almost never gives me a hard time at her first nap.

Needless to say she’s now going to bed at 7pm instead of 8:30. and at least bedtimes are quick and usually painless. (Except when teething. Then they sometimes suck…. and usually on nights when Den isn’t around to give me help.)

It was drilled into my head as a kid to always always have my seat belt on in the car. I was the kid who would chastise adults if they forgot to put on their seat belt. So it’s no surprise that I’m very careful with Kate’s car seat. It shouldn’t surprise me that not everyone is as anal as I am! So I figured I’d throw out a bunch of info. If you know it, ignore me. If you don’t, well maybe it can help you out. I’m not an expert, but I know where to find answers so if you are confused about anything just send me an email and I’ll try to find what you need.

Make sure you have a car seat that is properly installed. It needs to be in securely using either LATCH or seat belt, with less than 1″ of give along the belt path. I like mine to be in very securely, I literally lay across the seat or kneel in it to push it into the seat cushion as I fasten the seat belt. You can get your seats checked for free by a certified inspector, find one at seatcheck.org. Rear-facing seats need to be at a 45 degree angle for a newborn, but most (not all!) convertable seats can be installed more upright for older babies/toddlers. I have Kate’s installed at about a 35 degree angle, which is still well within the green zone on her seat indicator. (Not all seats have a nice little bubble like hers, some just have a level line.) Check your manual!

The harness needs to be snug! So many parents I see are nervous about this. You don’t need to hurt the child, but it does need to be firmly snug against their body with no slack – you shouldn’t be able to pinch any extra harness between your fingers. I pull the strap to tighten it first, then pull upwards at the shoulders to pull slack out from the hip area, then pull the strap again to make it nice and snug. If a harness is too loose it might not hold in the child in an accident. The straps should not be twisted at all, and never submerge them in water – spot-clean only.

That chest clip? It goes up at the level of their nipples/armpits. Not so high that it’s at their neck, but it does need to be high up on their chest. That clip holds the straps together, again so that the straps don’t slide apart in an accident, letting your child fly out.

When rear-facing the shoulder straps must be in a harness slot that is at or below their shoulders (as measured perpendicular to the seat back). (The reason for this is that when in an accident rear-facing the child’s body will slide up the seat back, so you want it snug to keep them from ramping up too far.) When forward facing the shoulder straps must be in a harness slot that is at or above their shoulders (as measured perpendicular to the seat back).

Nothing should be between your child and the car seat, or between your child and the harness. No aftermarket products (blankets, headrests, harness covers), no thick coats, no pillows. Only what came with your seat. In the winter take the heavy coat off before putting your kid in the seat. I dressed Kate in a fleece jacket and then put a blanket on her once she was strapped in.

Kids need to be rear-facing in a car seat to a bare minimum of 1 year old and 20lbs. That’s the law in every state, it is illegal to forward face them until then. The new recommendations from the AAP is to keep a child rear-facing until 2 years and 30lbs minimum, but to rear-face as long as you can to the extent of the seat’s height and weight limits. The reason for this is that most crashes – and the worst crashes – occur when you are in forward motion coming to a complete stop. When you are forward-facing you are thrown forward against the restraints. In a rear-facing seat the child’s movement is absorbed by the seat. A young child’s spine is not fully fused yet and their head size is much larger in proportion to their body than an adult, which puts them at a greatly increased risk of neck injuries. It is five times safer to be rear-facing. (Their feet can touch the seat back, their legs can be bent, it’s okay, they’re probably just as comfortable. No, seriously, kids have their legs folded all the time.)

Once they move to a forward-facing seat they need to stay in a five-point harness until a minimum of 4 years and 40lbs. They should not be moved to a booster until they are mature enough to stay seated in position every car ride – no falling asleep, moving the seat belt, etc – which typically is between 5 and 6 years old.

Kids need to be in a booster seat until they are 4’9″ (tall enough that the seat belt hits them properly across the shoulder, not the neck). This may not happen until they are 12! It has nothing to do with age and everything to do with height. Also childrens’ hips are not fully developed yet and the booster seat helps properly position the lap belt so it does not go across their belly. Not all boosters will properly position the belt for your child, make sure you try them out so that the fit is right.

Car seats expire! Check your seat for the stamped-on date. Some are 6 years, some 8, etc… depends on the manufacturer. The plastics in the seat start to break down over time and become brittle – not a good thing. Also, if your vehicle is in an accident the car seats need to be replaced. Insurance may cover it (but they may not want to), so check. This is why you should never get a used car seat, you don’t know its history.

And you? Make sure you wear your seat belt! If the shoulder is adjustable, make sure it crosses your shoulder for a good fit. Your kids need you to be safe, too.

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Kate’s still in her Graco MyRide 65 and I have to say, we love that seat! Now we have two different MyRides, one in my SUV and one in Den’s car; mine is the older model, Den’s is newer. Apparently they changed the buckle and harness straps. Plus of course a seat can behave a bit different in different vehicles. Well the one in my SUV I love love love. It is really easy to pull tight and release the buckle, it’s just been a great seat for us. The one in Den’s car I am less thrilled with. The buckle is much harder to snap together and it’s a bitch to pull tight enough! I’m going to uninstall it to see if there’s anything messing with it.

As for Kate, she is such an excellent car traveler! Every time I put her in it and strap her in she reaches for her car toys, giggles at herself in the mirror, and chills out. Not that I think the seat is solely responsible for that, but she clearly enjoys her time in the seat. What a change from when she was an infant… soon as she reached the point of being interested in what’s going on around her the car has been a much different experience.

Today I got to search the house for half an hour for my husband’s keys. They’d been missing since Friday evening, when he let Kate play with them. We kept thinking they’d turn up, but they didn’t. I kept thinking to myself, “If I were a one-year-old, where would I put something?” Laundry bins? No. Toy bins? No. Bathroom? Bedroom? Under kitchen cabinets? No. Garbage can? Well, I left that until very last.

I finally found them stuffed in the couch cushions. I was relieved that I found them, very relieved I hadn’t yet gotten to searching through garbage, and annoyed that I wasted a good 30 minutes (plus all the previous times we had poked around).

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I am not adjusting well to having a child who is up early-ish. (To me early is any time before 8am. This morning it was 5:30am. 5-fuckin-30. And she wouldn’t go back to sleep no matter how much I nursed her. Gah, toddlers.) It’s closing on midnight and my body is having a little war inside my head. I’m soooo tired, please for the love of everything go to friggin’ sleep. You know she’ll be up early if you don’t sleep. But then the other side of me, the real side of me that I’ve been living with for the past 28 years, it’s all But it’s not even midnight yet!! I don’t know how to re-train myself. I figure if I collapse of exhaustion maybe that will do the trick. Or maybe I’ll just buy duct tape and aluminum foil for her windows. I am so not above cheating.

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Breastfeeding a baby is wonderful, comforting, sweet, and calming. We used to fall asleep frequently while nursing. It was our special little time-out.

Breastfeeding a toddler is much of the above, plus acrobatic, exasperating, and somewhat annoying. I came across this symbol posted on Facebook and laughed out loud. Literally. And then dragged Den over to show him. (He didn’t seem nearly as amused as I was, but then again he doesn’t have the boobs.)

My supply has naturally decreased over time, as Kate is a very good eater and is nursing in general about three good times a day. The supply isn’t the issue so much as the slower letdown. Kate is not happy by this. I put her on the left, she sucks for 5 seconds then wiggles and kicks and squawks. I pick her up and swing her to the other side (the is usually when I notice that she’s been putting on weight). She sucks for 5 seconds then wiggles and kicks and squawks. Since she won’t just stay on one side until the milk starts flowing it takes for-ev-er and my arms get a bit sore (as does my patience). I have discovered that it is easier for me to just sit her on my lap facing me, straddling me, with my shirt up so she can access both sides at once. She bobs back and forth like a dog running through weave poles. When the milk finally gets flowing all is right in her world and she settles in to nurse happily. Unless she’s distracted by the TV… or cat… or noise. Then she flips off my lap and tries crawling off (only to melt down 5 minutes later when she realizes she is still, in fact, hungry).

I am thankful, however, for two main reasons. One: As acrobatic as she likes to be (she’s nursed standing in the tub, leaning over me as I layed down, laying on her belly across my lap, and so on), she’s never tried to take the boobie with her. She seems to have a pretty good understanding that it is stationary and it is she who must move to accommodate. So she just lets go. And two: She has never bitten me. She does scrape sometimes when she’s frustrated by the slow letdown, and she will sometimes tug a bit with a grin when she’s not really hungry, but she’s never chomped. I hope it stays that way.

None of that really sounds like a big endorsement to nursing a toddler, I know. But all that stuff at the beginning about how good it is? That’s all there too. Toddler nursing just a crazy, fun, eventful journey… just like anything else with toddlers, apparently.

Lucky is not typically a term we use to describe ourselves with. We are many things – lucky is not one of them. And yet so many times throughout the day we look at Kate and say, “Wow… we got so lucky.”

She is just such a fantastic, happy kid. Everyone that we see says it – which we wouldn’t really take note of, except for the expressions of surprise on their faces. “Wow! She’s so HAPPY!” “I don’t think I’ve ever seen her upset!” “Is she always so smiley?” Well… in general, yes! If she’s not in a good mood I know something is most definitely wrong – usually tired, a poopy diaper, or hungry. Sometimes her teeth, but she doesn’t let that slow her down during the day.

Yesterday we went to her friend Dominic’s birthday party. When we got there several kids were playing at the sand and water table, and Kate immediately beelined for them. She basically spent the next five hours running around with the other kids, climbing off and on toys, splashing in the water, and sitting on random peoples’ laps. We were always looking around going, “Uhh, where’s our kid?” only to find her calmly sitting on someone’s lap, watching the festivities. (Which I found a little weird for her – she loves people but doesn’t usually like to be held by them, she wants down to run around.) There was a little while she wanted to be held by Den and I and she was getting fussy and, yep, massive poopy dipe.

This morning we went out for breakfast and Kate was just the best behaved 1-year-old you could possibly imagine. She walked around a little bit, flirting with the older patrons who thought she was the cutest thing ever. She played with my straw for a remarkably long stretch of time. Then when our food came we put her in her highchair where she proceeded to eat nearly as much as I did. Fruit, eggs, sausage, she dug right in. And so we all ate in remarkable peace and quiet, Den and I with both hands. Kate ate and drank from her sippy and didn’t even throw anything onto the floor. I never thought eating with a toddler would in some ways be more relaxing than eating while juggling a small baby! After our meal we got her all cleaned up and strapped her into her carseat so she could happily hum in the backseat on the way home. Once home I nursed her and put her down for a nap.

Yesterday at the party she started saying “bye-bye!” She’s been waving for a month or two now, but in the past few days she’s really starting mimicking sounds. So she was waving at everyone saying, “buh-buh-buh-buh.” “Say bye-bye, Kate!” “Buh-bah!” And then she would look extremely pleased with herself and clap. LOL Adorable! She’s most definitely saying “Mama” now, and again looks pleased as punch when she does it and I respond accordingly. (“Mamama.” “Yes, baby?” “Mama! [grin]”)

She’s also climbing everything. She’s started pushing over her toys in the living room – as well as random other objects around the house, like trash cans – and climbing on top of them. At the party yesterday she climbed into her friend’s new car and then climbed up onto the seat and stood up! Yikes. I think she’s going to end up taking a few tumbles soon. Good thing my mom got her a toddler slide, something appropriate for her to climb on!

I never thought having a toddler would be so much fun!

Since her birthday Kate has started pointing at everything. I had been chatting with a friend about how her son was pointing at things and I mentioned that Kate wasn’t. Of course a day or two later she just started doing it. Now every time we pick her up she points to the ceiling and says some nonsensical toddler word like, “Jish,” or “Da.” And then she starts pointing at anything she sees. A picture! The TV! The fan! The cat!

The sounds she make continues to evolve, though no more actual words have emerged… it just sounds more like english words. She is always babbling toddler-ese sentences that are pure gibberish, but we answer her in english. “Oh yes, that’s the cat! He’s a good kitty.” (Usually followed by “Gentle… GENTLE!” and sometimes “Do not step on the kitty!”)

A lot of the new things she’s doing are little mannerisms that are difficult to describe. Like she’s doing this thing where she lowers her chin to her chest and tilts her head into her shoulder, sometimes while pointing at something or someone, often whispering something like, “Dat… dat…. dat…” It’s just so funny looking, kind of coy and quizzical and silly-like. I have no idea what it means, if it means anything at all.

She also has this new silly laugh – mouth wide open, breathing quickly in and out for a breathy “ha ha ha.” She does it all the time now. Yesterday while she was eating dinner Den got the video camera out and managed to capture a lot of the silly laugh, along with her hilarious attempts at feeding herself yogurt using a spoon – a process she apparently found terrifically exciting and absolutely hysterical.

Her obsession with pushing things around has expanded from push-toys and objects with wheels (strollers, the highchair) to random furniture pieces. Today at dinner I went to sit down and just as I was lowering my butt Kate pushed the chair right out from under me and across the room. I’m lucky I didn’t fall right on my ass, but I grabbed the table and saved myself (while Den laughed). The other day I saw her flip our coffee table right over (it’s a light one). Now I understood that pushing things is fun for toddlers. The moving furniture was a little unexpected, but flipping things over? That caught me entirely off-guard. This takes baby-proofing to a whole new level.

Speaking of baby-proofing, it’s like as soon as I think we have everything out of her reach she sprouts up again and we have to rush to move things. I was watching her little fingers reaching up to grab the remote controls off the TV stand, which previously was too tall for her, and said, “Oh shit.” It’s clear that she’s been growing inches recently. When she started walking at 9 months she could just walk under our kitchen table, though soon after she was hitting the top of her head. Now the bar hits her in the forehead, she has to duck 3-4 inches to get under. And even when I just look at her walking around in her diaper and shirt I can’t get over how long her legs look now. Kate has always been petite and on the skinny side, but now she looks so leggy!

My mom discovered her thighs are ticklish. I can get great squeals of laughter from her by squeezing them. Easy to do, since they – along with so much of her body – is so squeezable!

Having a futon on the floor in the house is such a fantastic thing. Not only does it let me crash in her room when I need to (ie, when she doesn’t want me to leave but I’m just exhausted), but it makes a most excellent play mat. Kate and I regularly go into her room to read books and then have big tickle-wrestle fights on the mattress. She loves to crawl on me and I will tackle her, roll her over, nom her with kisses, hold her in the air, and so on. We just have so much fun! I know I can do that on the carpet in the living room, too, but you know… it’s easier on my back. (Am I getting old? What?)

Books have always been a favorite of Kate’s, she loves flipping through them and touching the pictures, but just these last few days she’s realized that mom and dad do stuff with books. I’ve always let her explore books at her own pace, she never had any patience for just listening as I read, she was way too hands-on for that. But now? She wants me to read it to her. She’ll even sit on my lap after handing me the book, waiting. Of course her attention span is still very short, to the point where I often don’t even make it through one of her board books before she’s grabbing another book and giving it to me. But she keeps wanting more! If I finish a book and close it she grabs it from me and shoves it back in my hands expectantly. Or she’ll reach over to grab a different one and give to me. It’s now her trick to getting my attention when I’m doing something else: she walks over and shoves a book at me. It’s so fun watching her interest in books grow! She’s now enjoying the Sandra Boynton books we have, which previously were not interesting enough for her. But I find that they’re short enough with cute pictures to keep her attention the whole way through (except Birthday Monsters which is a SUPER cute story but too long for her right now). She also found some lift-the-flap books on her bookshelf. Instead of trying to tear the flap out she’s actually lifting the flap and putting it back down, staring at the pictures quizzically. It’s quite cute how she is very precise about pushing the flap ALL the way up, and then pushing it all the way down and patting it into place.

When I graduated from high school there was of course the big question: what to DO with my life? It’s the quintessential high school graduate dilemma. I ended up choosing computers, something that I had a passion for and seemed to have many good options for careers down the line. I got myself a Bachelors degree in Computer Information Systems.

And then I immigrated to the United States. If you know anything about immigration, you know that you’re not allowed to work for a good long period while they process your (multiple, quadruplicate, ad-nauseum) paperwork and finally provide you with a permanent resident card. And then we were going to have babies! Soon! It wouldn’t be worth it to get a job only to quit in a few months. (Pause a moment for a good laugh.) Plus by that point it had been over a year since I graduated, thousands of miles away from a Canadian college, and in computer speak I was already outdated. Plus computer work tends to be very… intense. Computer systems are fickle things. Suddenly computer programming wasn’t looking like such a great idea.

I couldn’t have known back in 2000 where my life would lead. It wasn’t until after we got married, until the infertility, the IVF, the pregnancies and births, that I found this passion. It’s not as if I grew up as the girl who loved babies and children – I actually wasn’t sure I ever wanted children at all, kids just weren’t my thing (pets were, however – I clearly had a very strong maternal side). I’m kind of sad I wasted 4 years on a degree I will never use, but I guess that’s the risk you take when you go to college so young. It was a learning experience, and I certainly love school, and it gave me a degree to lean back on if I ever need to, but still. I just don’t see me ever doing that. My heart isn’t in it anymore – hasn’t been for a very long time.

I’ve been doing a lot of hard thinking this past week, thinking about passions and priorities and possibilities. I started looking at alternatives to being a birth doula, like becoming a lactation consultant. But the more I think on it the more I realize that I can’t ignore this drive I have simply because there is an obstacle. Not having my parents nearby for childcare is unfortunate and does make things harder. But who am I to give up at that? Sometimes you need to fight for what you want. Life doesn’t serve you perfection on a platter. I think I spent a lot of time in prior years waiting for a career to fall into my lap, waiting for that perfect job to come along and bite me on the ass. Well that’s not how my life works. I had to bust my ass to get pregnant and bring home a child – but I did it, because it was worth it, because I was passionate about it. I spent remarkably little time (for me) complaining about how I couldn’t do it, I just did it. It may have been one of the first times in my life that when push came to shove I dug into my strength and just did it. (The first was probably dating and marrying my husband: 3000 miles, different countries, I was in college still, and there’s a 16 year age difference. Most everyone thought I was nuts and that was a whole lot of obstacles, but I was stubborn and determined and it was most certainly worth it.)

Not that pursuing a career is the same as getting married or doing IVF, but sometimes I need to remind myself that the things worth doing take determination and strength to accomplish. So here it is. I have found something that I believe is worth my time and energy, worth fighting for. There is a way to find childcare, and I will find it.

I am also going to be starting to take Biology classes at the local college come this fall. We talked about me taking a class last year but of course I hemmed and hawed and didn’t do it. It’s going to cost some, but it’s clear that all of my interests lie in Biology. I will need a degree in order to do pretty much anything I want to do in the future. It’s easy to talk about “the future” when it’s some far-away object, but I have to start taking steps now.