It’s kind of strange most days, looking at myself in the mirror. I stare and tilt my head. There have been so many changes in the past few years; not just physical growing-older changes, but emotional hits that changed the person who looks out through my eyes. I look so much the same, but I feel 10 years older. It’s strange, too, to look in the mirror and realize that I’m a mother. Not just a ‘Oh my god, I have a baby!’ kind of new mother, but a tired because the child woke up at 5am, packing lunch-and-sippy, toddler slung on my hip mom. The kind I used to see all the time, the kind that seems to have their shit all together (but I realize that no one actually does, it just becomes second nature to do the best you can almost-but-not-quite-together). I don’t take it for granted, but it has become my life in a comfortable, feels like it’s always been here kind of way. I am happy. Tired, sometimes annoyed, most of the time laughing, but happy. Even though my kitchen is a mess and my laundry is always two loads behind. This is the easy stuff.

I find myself getting back to me. Not in a my-child-doesn’t-need-me-anymore kind of way, but more of a natural, ebbing, evolving kind of way. I have entire evenings all to myself, every night – something I didn’t even think was possible a few months back. I’m able to read books, work on a scrapbook, watch TV, or plan my dream house – uninterrupted. It’s kind of weird remembering how I used to have all this free time to myself before Kate arrived, how I used to spend hours upon hours just doing one thing for fun. Now I choose carefully or end up wasting two hours and feeling irritated with myself.

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Last week Kate got those two teeth she was working on, so now she has 4 on the top and two on the bottom! The bottom teeth are so small and adorably baby-ish, but the top teeth are so big and really make her look like a toddler now! She also thinks it’s kind of funny to slurp my nipple and nibble… not good with teeth. She doesn’t do it when she’s really hungry, but it’s all the in-between times during the day when she just wants to comfort nurse, isn’t really hungry, and is fooling around… those are the ones that I get annoyed and tell her boobies have gone away now. She doesn’t like it when I put them away, but tough, mommy doesn’t like getting chewed on, thanks.

She is pointing at everything now. She just loves it when we pick her up so she can point around the room. “Da. Da. Dsh.” She also has great fun sitting on our lap in front of the window so she can watch the dogs. She leans against the screen and bobs excitedly, pointing. It’s too bad they’re not better behaved indoors, because she really likes them!

The toys she is really into right now: pushing her shopping cart all over the house, pulling her snail all over, putting the magnets in this farm fridge set, and playing with the musical instruments of the b. parum drum set. Also a favorite is dumping her blocks out of the various bins I keep putting them in. I finally bought a small bookshelf for the living room to get all her little toys off the floor and into baskets, which works beautifully for the evenings. But of course she loves to empty them all so 10 minutes later it’s a trainwreck again. Life with a toddler.