Today I found out my brother’s dog has cancer. The vet’s given her 6 months to live.

I am in shock, I think. This isn’t just “my brother’s dog”…. this is a family dog, whom I lived with before moving out right before my wedding. The whole family is… trying to deal, I guess. I haven’t talked to my brother or my dad – their mode of coping is to shut down and retreat into themselves, so I’m not surprized or put off by it. My brother has to be dealing with a lot… it’s his baby.

I feel like we were so cheated. She’s only 3 years old. And I know and accept that our pets will never live as long as we want them to, but to be handed a death sentence at 3?? She is supposed to have so many more years ahead of her. I was worrying about how she’d react when they lost Oreo, my first dog who is now 12. Instead it looks like they’ll be losing Tessa first. It just seems so wrong. My child will never get to meet her.

Tessa is a Rotti/Lab mix… and you will never meet a sweeter dog. She’s scared of strangers, but if you are family she is utterly devoted. She’s a snuggly, cuddly dog with big, deep brown eyes. I could never resist giving her a big hug and cuddle, and caressing her soft, silky ears. My dad says the same thing… she’s just a big cuddle-dog. And she loves it too.

Our family will have a great big hole in it when she is gone. We will make whatever time she has left the best we possibly can for her. I’m going to make up a “care package” for her, full of toys and bones.

Dearest Tessa, I’m so sorry. It’s so unfair.

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I had plans to go to one of those free seminars at BRU this evening, and I almost decided not to go on account of feeling so upset. But Den said I should go, and I figured that getting out of the house would do me well. I was the only one at the seminar, so that was a little weird… though, being typical me, I just really felt bad for the person running it, that no one else showed! I did get to sit in a glider for the presentation, and I must say I love those things. Of course the one I was sitting in was a $400 glider (yikes!!), but I hope to find a cheaper model that is similarly comfortable.

Then I went to buy a couple more bras. I compare it to sticking hot pockers in my eyes. Yet again she measured me at a 32DD. o.O I wear a 38C. I KNOW I am not a 32 band size, no matter WHAT she measured me as…. I am convinced they are simply on crack at Motherhood Maternity and do not know how to measure, because I had to try on a ton of sizes to find that, you know what, I fit “best” in a 36D (and the band was on the last rung, so I know, logically, I should be wearing a 38C – the size I own now). So I bought a 36D soft-cup bra and a size small sleep bra (though now I wish I’d bought the medium). Next time I’m going to JC Penney and Target.

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I am having second thoughts about the girl’s name we picked out. See, we have two girls names, and I’m starting to get sad that we may not get to use our second choice. I know Den has mentioned on occassion that he’s considered “switching” the order too. The reasoning behind my feelings today are totally silly, I guess, but regardless. I’m sitting on the fence. I do like “Kailet Amber”… I love the name Kailie, that was what I wanted (though spelled differently). I am worried, however, about giving my child such a weird first name. We aren’t shy about sharing our name choices, and we’ve gotten a whole slew of different responses. But it’s not the “You’re crazy!” responses that worry me, it’s the “Ummm, how do you spell that?” or the “How do you pronounce that?” Do I really want to give my child a name that people are so baffled by? I don’t know. It’s my husband’s choice, and he absolutely loves it. Our second choice name is “Catherine Elizabeth.” Again we compromised… I would much rather have it spelled Katherine. I love the nick name Kate. It’s a classic, gorgeous name, it flows beautifully, and it has some hidden meaning to me.

But, I figure it’s REALLY not worth fretting over until we find out if we’re having a boy or a girl. If it’s a boy his name will be Devin, no question. And… I admit it, I think I want a boy a teenie tiny bit more than I want a girl. Probably because I’ve felt so strongly all along that this is a boy, it’ll be a bit of an adjustment if it’s not! (I’ve always wanted a girl, so it’s weird that I feel this way now.)

Just a few more days until we find out.