Well I’m sorry to break the news that the beta only confirmed what we already knew – I’m not pregnant. Beta was “less than 1” (I asked what the exact number was). So yeah… definitely not pregnant.

The nurse said she’s very sorry for us and asked if we were intending to go into another cycle. I said yes. Den and I had already talked this morning and confirmed that we both wanted to do another one right away. So she said I’m to stop my patches and prometrium immediately and wait for AF to arrive. There has to be at least 2 non-prometrium days before I start taking the BCP, she said, so even if my period arrives before then I can’t start the pill until saturday. But soon as AF arrives I call them and they order the meds and I start the pill and we jump headlong in to IVF#2, this time with ICSI to “fix” our fertilization problem.

Same dosages, apparently. After our (poor) fertilization this cycle the doctor had talked about possibly doing it lower/slower next time, but Den and I definitely want as many eggs as possible. This will be our last insurance-covered fresh IVF cycle. This is all we got. Our only hope is to harvest a crapload of eggs so the ICSI can fertilize a lot of them and we can have a brood on ice for FETs. Otherwise we are up a creek without a paddle.

This morning I slept. This afternoon Den and I went out for lunch (and milkshakes), then got our tires replaced on our truck. (Truck failed inspection a couple weeks ago, bald tires. Lovely, no? $600 down the drain for pretty new non-bald tires.) So while we were waiting for that we went to Home Depot. They’re running a great promotion and everything so we’ve decided to go ahead and buy the new washer and dryer I want. Well it’s not the exact one I wanted (that one was out of stock, go figure), but it’s very similar and actually slightly bigger capacity. Can we afford it? No, not right now. But that’s why 6 months no-financing comes in handy – Den will be going on a business trip in August that will bring in enough to pay for it. And you can’t beat getting a $1700 set at 6 months no financing, 10% off, $100 gift certficate, and another $75 rebate from our local gas and electric company (energy star appliance). So we’re taking the plunge. Den wrly said as we walked awy to think about it, “We may never have the kids to require a big washer, but at least we’ll have the washer ready.” Le sigh.

We’re both feeling very melancholic today. There were times where we’d be walking down an aisle at HD, Den looking over the little man-tools, and he’d turn to me and catch a near-tears look on my face and we’d just have to stop and hug for a few seconds to regain our composure. It was mostly fine, but just a few moments.

This morning, when in that detached I-can’t-believe-this-is-happening mode, there was an hour or two when I really thought to myself, Why bother? Why do all this? I don’t WANT to do it all over again. I don’t want to put myself through this hurt again. Maybe not even an hour… but for a little while I was angry. I can certainly see why couples who have been through 3+ cycles of injectibles and IUI are already fed up when getting to IVF. It’s fucking hard to get beat down every month. That’s why, even though I was so hopeful and optimistic these last few days, Den really wasn’t. I don’t think he really believes we’ll ever see a positive.

In fact he told me today that next time he wants me to take a pregnancy test right after our trigger shot. Just to freakin’ see a positive pregnancy test for once. He said it’s totally silly… but he just wants to see it. And he also told me that me testing this morning was a good idea and I should do it again… so I’m not hysterical when I get the phone call. So we know what to expect. So we don’t have to go through an entire day wondering and worrying. It at least gave us a little time today to come to grips with the idea before getting confirmation.

And so it goes. The end of IVF cycle #1. And still not pregnant.