I woke up feeling physically quite good today. Not 100%, obviously, but better than I have for a while. My incisions are itching though! Guess that’s a good thing. I still haven’t peeked under the band-aids though. I’m afraid of messing it up somehow. I figure the longer I leave them alone, the quicker they’re heal.

I’ve been struggling a lot the last few days to deal with the emotional aspects of my surgery and diagnosis. I think it was the day of the surgery, perhaps the day after, when I typing something on a forum about endometriosis and I just froze as it really hit me – I have endometriosis. It’s “only Stage I”… but I have this disease inside me that I didn’t know I had. It’s funny because I went into the surgery knowing it was a possibility. I suspected there was “something wrong” inside me, but mainly I just went into it with the determination that I wanted to get everything checked out and crossed off my list if need be. I never really sat down and really thought about the outcome.

The infertility diagnosis was this big, looming, inevitable thing. I knew it was coming, I was counting down. It was like a giant weight on my shoulders, yes – and a sad thing to have to accept – but I knew it was coming. The endo was much more of a shot in the dark, not something I really expected to happen.

I’ve been reading up on endo – because I hadn’t really before – and learning what I can. I’ve been wondering about the stage that it’s at. I know it can grow back over time, which makes me wonder if it will get worse over time. I read an article about how endo used to really only be diagnosed in 30+ patients with very severe symptoms because laparoscopy wasn’t an option, it required full surgery. Now that the surgery is pretty minor more younger patients such as me are having it done and being diagnosed with minimal or mild stages of it. Which just makes me wonder… those of us who are now getting diagnosed early when it’s minimal, would we be some of the ones with really advanced cases in our 30’s? I’m only 23 now – how bad will it get in 10 years?

So it’s been a bit of an adjustment for me.

After the surgery the anesthesia must still have been floating around in my system because I was sooo happppy. Not like deliriously so, just very very content. I was so pleased that they found something, so pleased that I decided to do the surgery. I was very happy with my surgery experience (I still am, in fact – they took very good care of me there). I had endo, it was removed, we were doing IVF, I’d be pregnant soon. Life was really good! And then I fell back asleep again for the tenth time. ;)

Unfortunately over the past few days that glowy contentment has kind of faded. I’m back to being my worried-about-everything, grouchy-as-heck, semi-depressed self. And that makes me sad. It’s too bad I can’t just stay happy all the time, that was a really nice feeling.