I’ve made my decision and I’m feeling at peace with it. Statistics can only take you so far – it lays the groundwork for an educated decision. But then it comes down to “what do I really want?” And for that I turned to a simple cost/benefit analysis. What would be the benefits of twins? What would be the benefit of a singleton? And what it really came down to is that I have a lot of concerns about twins, whereas the benefits (in my mind) are pretty small and mostly emotional (“oh wouldn’t it be cute?!” ). So while I would be PERFECTLY happy to end up with twins anyways, my choice is to aim for a single blast transfer and see where that takes us.

I feel decidedly calm about my surgery next week. I really expected to be more upset than this – maybe it just hasn’t hit me yet, I don’t know. But I feel very calm explaining everything to Den, letting people know why I won’t be around next week (in-person that is – I fully intend to have my laptop glued to me while I’m feeling crappy in bed), planning my work schedule to make up for my absense… and yet I maintain a sense of calm. When we started the journey I would NEVER have been okay with IVF or a surgery – or at the very least be freaking out about it. And I’m glad we’ve taken it one step at a time… first some bloodtests (that was hard to get used to), then some simple little pills, then a dye test (which was worse than expected), then an IUI. Now we’re looking at injectible meds, lots of lots of eggs, big needle to take out the eggs, sedation for that, surgery on my abdomen requiring general anesthesia… geez. How things change. And how, after failing so many times, you become desperate enough to WANT to do these things. I WANT this lap because I want to know what’s wrong with me. I want IVF because I want to have a GOOD chance of actually getting pregnant. When you start out you can’t imagine feeling that way… then here you are a year later, feeling frustrated and fed up and determined to find something that works.

And it’s a little bad sad when you think about it, but I’m kind of looking forward to the time off from work due to the lap. I haven’t had time off (other than a day or two changed for an appointment) since I started working in July/August. It’s hard when you’re the only one who does what you do and there isn’t really anyone to fill in. There is, in an emergency, but I feel so guilty for putting my jobs on someone else who is already busy enough. Hopefully everything will go smoothly here at work and I can moan in pain in bed guilt-free.