I am feeling angry today. I know I “should” be happy about my follies, but I’m angry.

I’m angry that we have to go through this. Angry that I need to have injections in my stomach, medication that can be risky, driving back and forth, giving sperm, injecting it, dye tests, blood tests. I’m angry that this is happening to me. That other people just… decide to have a baby. And poof they have a baby. I’m angry that there’s no apparent reason for any of this either. My eggs seem to be good. Den’s sperm is good. Our timing is good. So what the fuck?

I’m angry that my excitement has been diminished. Four follies is great – unless you’re terrified of multiples like I am. Now I’m panicking. And I’m playing the guilt game – blaming myself for making the choice to go to the RE “so early” (because there is no obvious problem), to go on medication to increase our chances. As if it’s my fault. I know it’s not – but every once in a while the thought snakes into my head that if I end up pregnant with multiples I am going to feel like it’s my fault. And how will I feel if I have to do selective reduction? I don’t have any moral objections to it – but it’s risky, and it’s not something anyone wants to do. So where does the anger come in? Because before I was holding my breath each month waiting for a BFP. Hoping, waiting. If I saw a BFP I was going to break down in thankful, grateful tears. But now? If I get my BFP this cycle now it’s mixed with fear. And I’m friggin angry about that. I want to hang onto that joy and hope. I don’t want to have to deal with more worries than I already have!

And I know all of this is completely rediculous. Because, honestly, I’m feeling angry about things that haven’t happened! But I can’t help how I feel.

I’m not too certain that my mood is actually a result of any of this anyways, I think it’s the other way around – I’m in a bad mood, so I’m obsessing over things. I’m also feeling frustrated and angry with work, with the pets, with the fact that my husband ate all the freaking cookies I baked last night. I’m just in a very irritable mood. So I have locked myself in the bedroom with the one pet least likely to piss me off (my dog) and my books and I don’t plan on coming out.

Oh, and by the way – my stomach is very tender where I got the injection. It’s the weirdest thing, since it didn’t hurt at all during the actual injection. But I had to work today, which involves lifting, which involves resting things against my stomach. Erg. That was a balancing act. It doesn’t hurt, it’s just tender like a bruise. My ovaries aren’t feeling weird anymore either. This morning I woke up with them feeling funny and that’s why I thought I’d ovulated. Guess they were just squashed. No more squashed feeling. We’ll see how I feel tomorrow morning.

The IUI wasn’t cancelled. I never got a call from the doctor. So I made the appointment at the lab to drop off and pick up the specimen. We decided to use a room there rather than rush a sample in from our house. Just easier. Luckily he doesn’t have much of a problem with that – not as much as other husbands, at least that’s how it seems to me. I don’t know if he’s planning on sticking around after that though, he might want to be dropped off at work. We need to be there at 7am to give the sample, then they want me back at 9am for the insemination. Not sure what I’m going to do in between, especially if Den isn’t with me. If he does stay with me maybe we’ll go for breakfast or something.

So. Four follies and an IUI. Now it’s a numbers game.