Update at bottom! I’m going to leave the original post I wrote, but after talking to the doctor I have some new very good info!

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I kept meaning to come here and post but then getting sidetracked by the million other things I’m trying to do.

So last I wrote that Ember had been taken to the NICU because of some breathing difficulty at birth and we anticipated she’d be back down in our room soon. That didn’t happen. The original issue was fluid in the lungs, she had apparently inhaled a bunch of it, and it caused a bit of a rough transition to the outside world. However while she was on monitors she had a couple of apnea spells – she stopped breathing momentarily, causing her oxygen levels to drop significantly.

[This paragraph is from what I gathered from a nurse. The doctor now tells me something different.]
I don’t know if I just wasn’t asking the right questions or just not with it enough or super positive thinking or what, but I still thought it was linked to the fluid and that she’d be off oxygen the next morning and that would be that. But she wasn’t, and everyone started talking about pumping and being released without her. It wasn’t until last night that I started asking more careful clarifying questions to understand. From what the nurse said it appears that the apnea is unrelated to the original breathing issue. In fact if she hadn’t had any problems at birth it’s pretty likely that no one would have noticed anything, and that could have been very very bad. They don’t know why she’s doing it, it’s usually something they see in preemies, not healthy full-term babies. All the labs that have been run showed no sign of infection, so that’s very good. It just seems to be a quirk of hers. A dangerous quirk. Yesterday she had two episodes, one of which she recovered from and the other a nurse needed to stimulate her to wake up a little bit and breathe. Again this morning another episode that required intervention. The nurse said that usually with the preemies they want to see the baby go a week without an episode before sending them home. Clearly you want to be really sure it’s not going to randomly happen again.

So that was all a shock to me. Here I was thinking she was just having some shallow breathing from the fluid and that once that dissipated she’d come right home. Now we’re looking at an unknown time spent in the NICU, I’m going home without her. They’re just watching to see how she does as they lower the oxygen she’s on. Basically she needs to stop having the apnea episodes. If she does stop doing it she’ll be able to come home. If she doesn’t… then we don’t know. They haven’t given me any indication of what they’re going to do next.

In many ways, yes, it’s a small thing that in a few weeks or months will be in her past. We are really glad it was discovered now and she’s in the best place possible for her. But it sucks. I’ve spent the last two days in a hospital room with no baby in it – that or trekking upstairs to be with Ember. I really really appreciate being able to hold her now (we couldn’t the first day), this all feels so surreal that only holding her and touching her and talking to her make it all make sense in my head.

The NICU is very good with breastfeeding moms. Ember wasn’t taking anything by mouth for a good 12 hours after birth, then I pumped and gave a little colostrum by dropper. Yesterday I was able to nurse for the first time and the girl apparently was born knowing how to do it, she was very happy when she finally was allowed to latch! (Before then when I held her she would root and stick her tongue out and squawk and squeek at me.) So now I’m nursing every 3 hours, which means I’m not getting much of anything done, much less sleeping. Last night was me sleeping for 1.5-2 hours, my phone alarm going off, me forcing myself out of bed, walking out of L&D, taking an elevator, walking down the hall to NICU, scrubbing in, feeding a baby who keeps falling asleep at the breast while I tried not to nod off, then going back downstairs and trying to fall asleep again despite all the loud hospital sounds. I did get some sleep. I am not continuing this forever, but I wanted to make sure she got all the colostrum she could while I was waiting on my milk to come in. It’s half in now, I was able to pump some to stockpile for when I go home. Then I’m going to be pumping at home and driving in to nurse and drop off the milk.

I know many moms have done this before and survived. I know we’ll get through this. This was obviously not what I envisioned. I had a nice easy pregnancy and birth, and who expects the NICU? She looks like a monster baby next to all the little preemies in there.

And then of course we have Kate, too. Yesterday was just not a good day for her, she was whiny and bursting into tears whenever I left the room, sobbing for mama. We took her to see Ember for the first time, which did not go as well as hoped for. She didn’t like anyone touching or disturbing the baby, and then when we picked the baby up she flipped out crying. Den had to make a hasty exit with her. Today was MUCH better though, I think she finally caught up on sleep. She was in a great mood hanging out with us for a little bit, and then going to see Ember again. This time since she wasn’t clingy and whiny she reacted very well. She pointed out the baby and her body parts (“Eyes! Ears! Mouth! Cheeks!”). She sat on my lap while Den held Ember. She petted her hair, talked some more about the baby (“Sleeping!”), gave her a hug. Even tried to give Ember a rubber ducky toy. So we were very pleased! Obviously her attention span is like 5 minutes long, she got bored and tried finding new fun things to do so then our visit was over, but that made me feel a ton better.

So that’s how it stands right now. I’m definitely sore – I forgot how sore your body feels after giving birth. My abs are killing me, birthing babies is quite the workout. And my lower back is twinged from the back labor and the crappy hospital bed, I need to see my chiro. I did get a tear and some stitches again (I did with Kate, too). I need to take it easy, which is very hard to do right now.

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Update: The doctor talked to me this evening when I was in there and what he’s telling me is much better! What they think she has is Transient Tachypnea. It is in fact related to the fluid in the lungs, it causes labored breathing and he says the apnea episodes (which I guess she doesn’t stop breathing entirely, just breathes very shallowly causing her sats to drop) are somewhat common with the condition. In any case he said today she was much improved and they expect to see her improve every day. He also said that this is a condition that should be short-lived and resolved by the time she goes home, that she won’t be going home on oxygen or anything. What a relief!

She’s still in the best place for her right now, we will get her through this, and we will bring her home.