Kate is doing much better with bedtime already! I really had to think hard about what might be causing her bedtime fits – it wasn’t the same as previous ear infections or I would have assumed it was that. She wasn’t pain-screaming, she was angry-screaming…. and then it turned into anxiety-freaked-out-screaming. I don’t know how to describe it, I just can tell the difference. The angry tantrum I still want to play, come get me right now! screams just make me roll my eyes. But these bedtime ones were really starting to upset me, something was just different about them.

So I started laying down with her again. Not to sleep all night – pregnant mommy can’t handle that mattress anymore – but I lay down with her at bedtime and naptime, nurse her a little bit, then rock her in my arms a little bit. The first night I decided to try it she was doing her usual kicking and crying and panicking the minute I walked into her bedroom with the light out. She was freaked! As soon as I layed her on the futon instead of her crib she quieted and when I layed down with her she curled into my side and hugged me. So every night now she does that, she hugs me tight (as if afraid to let me go), and I sing her lullabies and rub her back. I can feel the tension ebb from her as she gets sleepy. When she’s almost asleep I put her in her crib and tip-toe out. The first two nights she woke up crying when I left but fell asleep shortly after – and it wasn’t her completely freaked out scream, she was just unhappy that I’d left. The last two nights she’s given a little whimper/mutter and then fallen asleep. Yay!!

So I still don’t know what caused it, though it coincided with being sick. She’s also having a mental leap right now so that probably contributed. But at least I’ve found a way to calm her down and get her to go to sleep, even if it’s an hour later than usual – I’ll take calm bedtime over screamy bedtime. And besides, it is kind of nice to hold and rock my little girl.

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I constantly marvel at what a unique person she is. She’s very… girly. I’m not sure where she got that from other than simple biology, since I am not much of a girlie girl… I’m a tech geek who sometimes likes pink things. And don’t get me wrong, my kid loves her techie toys. But she wears bead necklaces and my shoes around the house. She’s also very dainty. She doesn’t destroy things or throw things. She’d rather take the crayons out of the (glass) jar they were in, then put them all back in one at a time. She likes to figure out how things work. She pulls my wallet (and everything else) out of my purse, only to pull my credit cards out of their slots and then put them back in. Then she leaves my pens and chapstick and nail clippers all in a neat pile.

She does like to yell, though. She’s recently really found her yelling voice, which she thinks is hilarious. (Most of the time it is. In restaurants not so much.) That mental leap I mentioned? Words. Suddenly mimicking everything we say, adding new words almost daily. Today she was repeating her friend’s name “Ellie!” for hours. She’s learning some letters (mostly vowels – she still can’t wrap her mouth around most consonants). She knows that a cat says “mao” and a sheep says “baa.” She’s added yet more signs to her repertoire, which is making it harder for me to figure out exactly what she’s saying, since her versions are only rough approximations of the actual sign. She says “up” for everything: up for up, down, why are you still holding me? Today in her highchair she said “up,” which I took to mean down, so I picked her up and put her down to which she responded by crying and trying to climb back into the highchair. I’m still not sure what she was trying to communicate to me.

She does have some little mini tantrums, usually when I close the door of a room or say she can’t have something anymore (like my phone). Today I closed her bedroom door and she just started screaming in frustration. I sat down at my computer and raised my eyebrow at Den. She walked into the living room and then just stood there screaming in what amounts, for her, to a pretty big tantrum (which in reality is very small, I know). I just sat there and watched for a minute but it was clear she wasn’t going to let it go without being acknowledged. So I got down on my knee and held out my arms. She walked over to me, laid her head on my chest, wrapped her arms around me, and let out one more wail of frustration. I patted her back and told her I was sorry she was upset. Then she lifted her head and walked off to play with a toy. That’s pretty much what all of her tantrums require: simple acknowledgement and a hug. Then she’s fine. She’s been having little crying fits when she trips or falls down in some manner – usually some very pathetic little thing that is just ridiculous, but she’ll lay there and wail as if she’s stuck until I crouch down next to her. I don’t necessarily pick her up or help her, I just… am there. And that’s enough.

It’s clear she’s a sensitive child just like I was (am). I think any form of discipline is going to have to be very careful and very calm and probably just expressing disappointment and explaining why. She gets upset at loud, raucous noise (like at parties), she gets upset at yelling. I remember growing up all my mom had to do was get angry and raise her voice and I’d burst into tears and hide.

::

The baby in my belly continues to be alive. I mostly feel better, only nauseated when I overeat or forget to eat. I think I’ve gained 5 or 6 lbs so far, which is the most of all my pregnancies for the first trimester, I think. Mostly due to needing to eat constantly and my frequently less-than-stellar choices.

I am 13 weeks and a few days so that puts me in my second trimester! Wow, that went fast. (Except the puking part, that went slow.) There is still a nice little exhale I feel as I cross over this imaginary boundary. Not “safe,” no – but safer, maybe. Less statistical chance of bad things.

Though I still don’t feel very attached. I think that’s somewhat common for subsequent pregnancies when you are busy occupying a child, and also for surprise pregnancies. It still just seems so far-fetched. I wake up in the morning thinking about diapers and appointments and exams and it’s not until Kate climbs on top of me, causing an “oomph!” that I remember, oh yeah, I have a small alien inside me. I hope at some point it sinks in.