Timing
For a while now we have been waiting to hear from our reproductive lab, waiting to hear about storage charges for our one frozen embryo that was left over. We intended to use it first when we returned to the RE in December, and I was in no hurry to pay charges – I wasn’t sure exactly when we’d have to start paying.
So today we got the notice. We either have to choose to discard it, donate it, or pay storage fees. Except of course now we don’t have any plans to use it, with me being already pregnant. But at the same time we’re not completely 100% sure we’ll not want another, especially if something were to happen to this pregnancy.
I’ve been thinking a lot about it lately, about the future and the question of being done. It’s early still, but my gut feeling is that I’m done. I’ve not had this feeling before. When I was pregnant with Devin and with Kate I was absolutely certain it was not my last pregnancy, that I would have another one day (or at the very least want another, there being no guarantees in life). This time… this time I already have a toddler. I’ve been through pregnancy twice already. I’m sick again. I feel like three pregnancies is enough for me. Maybe I’ll regret that one day, maybe I’ll change my mind, but… I’m kind of looking forward to moving into the next stage. Now that Kate’s sleeping through the night and not breastfeeding much I was starting to feel like my old self – getting my sex drive back, my body shape back, my energy. Even hobbies outside holding a baby all day (which I loved, don’t get me wrong – but it doesn’t leave much time for scrapbooking, does it). Now I’m pregnant again and thinking, this isn’t so new and exciting anymore. It’ll be another 2 years before I get “my” body back. When I get there I really don’t think I want to go through this all again.
Not to mention two children in the house was our goal all along. Two is a good number, I think. They have each other. I have my hands full. I don’t really see myself having a third without growing another arm. Not to mention what we would do with this small ranch house – the kids will be sharing a room for a long time as it is. Where would we put a third?! We’d need a new car, and forget flying to visit my parents… it’s going to cost way too much as it is with two of them. I just feel like two is the right number for us here in our lives. And a part of me kind of looks forward to them getting a bit older and more self-sufficient so I don’t have to be at full attention all the time. Looking forward to finishing my second degree over the next few years and then someday *gasp* getting a job. A job that makes money. So we can do fun stuff like add on to the house. We have all these plans, and they are nice plans.
So that frozen embryo, I don’t think we’re going to need it. I certainly don’t think it’s worth paying a monthly fee to keep it on the off chance that we change our minds in the future, when for us insurance will cost us the same whether we do a FET or a fresh cycle. It’s not like getting rid of the embryo ends all our options.
The options then are to discard it, donate it to research, or donate it to another couple. Discarding it is definitely scratched off our list. We’ve donated immature eggs to research before and we are comfortable with that choice. But then there’s that last choice. Den said that it would be nice to know that it’ll be used, that it will give someone else a chance. But it’s kind of weird to think of the possibility that someone might have Kate’s biological sibling out there. Especially that particular embryo, coming from the same retrieval that gave us her. (Not that it changes the biological significance, but emotionally.) We’re pondering. We never expected to ever be in this situation.
What did you do with your leftover embryos? Did you use donated embryos?
We did not have any embryos left. However, I would have given them to be adopted. I also thought about it being strange knowing that we would could have a biological child out there. However, I would want our embryo to have a chance, and another couple to be able to have a child they so desperately want. There is only about a 20% chance or so that the couple would come home with a baby, right? I would be giving someone a chance, though. We have friends that did embryo adoption, and they now have a gorgeous 2 year old–and it worked on the first try. They struggled for years and even had a failed adoption after they fostered for over 6 months. Now, they are so happy.
At least it’s not like the UK, where said embryo can legally trace you down later if he or she so desired. That stops me hard-core from wanting to donate my eggs. :/
We have 2 embies in storage and I am feeling very done with our 2 boys. Yet I can’t bring myself to make a decision so we keep on paying storage fees (6 monthly keeps it more out of mind!) Sadly we would not be able to donate (too old at time of EPU plus a possible recessive gene condition would disqualify us) The other factor is my age is now getting into low odds for fresh cycle success, so those embies are my last likely chance should I ever want more. It weighs heavy on my heart (especially at times when I pass my old clinic where they are stored) and seeing the live result from that batch, i just can’t discard them. I suspect that I will just sit on this non-decision for years…
This won’t come as any kind of shock I’m sure, considering my views on adoption of live babies – but I would absolutely donate it to another couple, in a heartbeat.
Yes, been there. I’ve been very level-headed throughout my three IVF attempts (3 pregnancies, 2 babies). And then the emotions of closing that door, even though I knew we were done surprised me. We kept ours until after our second child was born, but primarily because we would have tried again, had something gone wrong with that pregnancy.
Discarding was not an option for us. While I wanted to donate to another couple, I couldn’t bring myself. Just eggs or just sperm would be fine for me. But these were totally our genetic product, and I couldn’t do it. So we donated to research. I’m all for supporting research when it doesn’t do more than inconvenience me. We donated cord blood and I also had other extra non-invasive tests done during my pregnancy. This fits right in.
Definitely the right decision for us, and we have no regrets. That doesn’t stop my mind from wandering down the “what if we still had them” path occasionally …
Good luck with your decision!
We have three little boys from IVF. I just delivered surrogate twins for a dear friend in July. We have four frozen embryos. They have been frozen for two years. We have the same three options as you. I’m still pondering, too. It’s a tough decision.
We’ve got one frozen from a successful IVF round just like you, and I’m also torn. I feel like I’m “one and done,” and feel pretty certain about it, although with occasional twinges of doubt. DH is definitely done and another one would be really hard on us. I also know how happy we could make someone with donating. DH is against it. I feel funny about it (would I need to tell my daughter some day?), but also feel like it could bring someone joy … ack. DH would never sign to donate it, so I suppose there’s no point in agonizing over it. And then again … ack!
Not an easy decision your facing. I think I would lean toward keeping the embryo until this baby is born (can you pay for 6 months of storage fees?). Personally, I’d probably donate to research, but I hope you feel comfortable with whatever option you decide.
And what a nice feeling, to have exactly the number of children you want to have!
We donated our two leftover embryos to another couple. Unfortuately, they ended up with a BFN. We were sad, but it comforts us to know that we did everything possible to give someone else the chance we had — to build a family.
Another thing — I thought about donating the embryos for research, but when I inquired further, I learned that the “research” would have been something like using our embryos to train lab techs on how to unfreeze them. I didn’t feel like that what I wanted to happen to a potential biological sibling to our boys.
We didn’t have any frozen embryos left after our June 2010 retrieval and August 2010 transfer but when we made our will, we specified to whom our daughter will go if something happens to us and if we had or have embryos in the future, we will donate them to another couple through Sacred Selections adoptions. We’ve included money from our estate in our will (ha, like we have any money now! It would just be from life insurance) to pay for other couples to do the frozen transfer at our IVF clinic. I want to cover their costs for meds, for transfer, for travel to the clinic, all that. But! That’s only if something happens to us and we can’t use our embryos. If we do another cycle in the future (I’m hoping to be like Natalie and have some freebie natural pregnancies!) then we’ll use all the embryos ourselves. If we make the embryo, I want it back in me, no matter how many kids that gives us. I can only give them up for adoption if I’m not here anymore.
Sitting here, freshly pregnant, like you, naturally (but after a failed fresh IVF, which resulted in 8 new frozen embryos). I am having the same difficult thoughts.
I wanted a big family, so I am not certain we are done after this baby, and I am also not certain that this pregnancy will result in a baby in June, so for now we can wait (and luckily we don’t have to think about storage fees until September). I am totally with you on the being done with being pregnant, and it is that feeling, of not being so new and exciting. It’s great, but been there done that. I too want my body back, want my kids to grow up and be more independent, and still need me, but need me less.
I debate what we will do with those embryos when the time comes. Very likely we will have some # of the 8 we have frozen left over, even if we were to do a FET for a 3rd baby (assuming all goes well, and assuming it actually works).
I love the idea of giving others who have had difficulty a chance, but I struggle with our biological children being raised by someone else, maybe in a way I wouldn’t agree with. So I think as noble as it is, that option is out for us. I just have such great difficulty thinking that a child I produced, may not be treated nicely.
Destroying them, while it is an option, is difficult for me too. We worked so very hard for those frozen Miracles, I can’t imagine just throwing them away.
Donating to research is BIG BIG BIG on my list. I hope it could improve treatments for others in the future and help them learn new ways of doing things.
But what is so hard on me is that I feel this need and urge to give them a chance, but I know I don’t really want 10 children, I know we can’t handle that, we can;t afford that. So I can relate totally to your difficult decision, and I know I will be in that position in the years to come. Good Luck with it. If it were in my situation currently, I would probably hang on to that little frozen embryo a little bit longer, because I would just wonder too much, if I did end up doing another fresh cycle and that frozen embryo was no longer.
I’m in pretty much the same place as the previous poster Shannon.
I have an IVF toddler and am currently very, very recently pregnant from an FET. Even if this pregnancy results in a baby I don’t think that we’ll be done. We have 15 embryos still frozen though so there’s a chance we’ll have some left even if we do have one or two more babies.
I don’t think I could donate them to other people, and at times I do think that’s kind of selfish of me, but it is what it is. There are also other more concrete reasons that we wouldn’t donate to other infertiles. Because we used ICSI our embryos are not eligible for anonymous donation (at least here in Canada). There is an “embryo adoption agency” in Canada that we could use if we were interested, but I know I’m not comfortable with a place that charges couples $10,000 (medical costs not included) to adopt an embryo. Yes it is nice to have the screening in place for both parties, but it seems like too much money and I don’t want to support a place that I think is mostly out to make a buck.
I don’t really want to just discard them either. I suspect we’ll end up donating them for research.
That’s definitely a concern of mine. Before we make a decision I want to research the company that would be handling it and find out what sort of process it is for couples wanting to use embryos and how much they charge, etc.
I’m in Canada too, MSW, and we did ICSI, I didn’t even know that it wouldn’t be anonymous donation, so that makes it even more out for me! Maybe I will end up with a bus-load of children after-all!
Shannon, when we did our fresh cycle in 2009 our clinic in Vancouver said that any remaining embryos wouldn’t be eligible for anonymous donation through any clinic in Canada (although at that point Calgary was the only clinic doing it at all) because of the use of ICSI. Maybe there are other avenues of anonymous donation, I’m not sure.
At that point I was told that my only option for donation would be directed donation, i.e. I could go into the clinic with someone and tell them to put my embryos in her. Because things change so rapidly in the ART world it is possible that this policy has changed.
I too struggled with the decision of what to do with our left over embryos when we did IVF the first time. We were so fortunate to conceive our daughter at that time. We used our remaining 4 embryos for 2 separate frozen transfers which didn’t work. Then we tried 2 more fresh cycles, neither of which worked and neither of which resulted in frozen embryos.
So from the other side of of the fence, now on a waiting list for a donated embryo…I completely understand the hesitation in donating and embryo. It is your DNA, your child. I too wondered if I could donate my embryos, if I had had the chance. But please know, if you donate, you are helping someone who knows your struggles and is still in the thick of it. Someone that would be SO happy to be able to parent another, so grateful to give their child a sibling or to experience parenthood for the first time. The waiting lists are extremely long for embryos…and that is only for the chance to conceive.
Congrats to all of you for getting through your struggle!!!
Here from LFCA! It’s been awhile since I visited your blog and did not know you were pregnant again. Congrats! I wish you the best with this pregnancy and your baby. I appreciate how bittersweet a SPAL is and will send thoughts and prayers your way for a “normal” and “uneventful” remainder of your pregnancy.
Here is a link to a post that I wrote earlier this year about our decision to donate our remaining frozen embryos:
http://chicagobensons.blogspot.com/2011/01/what-is.html
Our plan was always to try again with them someday and “finish what we started.” But in the end, for what we believe were good reasons, we decided that it did not make sense for us to try to use them or donate them to another couple, but rather donate them for research.
I know it is not an easy choice to make and I wish you the best in making this decision.
Hello ~ My name is Shelly and I can completely relate to your dilemma. We found ourselves with six leftover embryos following our successful IVF cycle back in 2010. We ultimately decided to donate them to an infertile couple of our choosing (as opposed to anonymous donateion)and I am thrilled to say their son was born four months ago!
Please check out my blog: iloveyouthismuch-shelly.blogspot.com and don’t hesitate to email me with any questions @ harryandshelly@gmail.com.
Best wishes to you!
Here from LFCA. I am a mom (single mom by choice) to an amazing almost 23 month old girl via a directed embryo donation. In fact, my donor found me through LFCA!!! That said, I truly believe that all choices are valid. This is such a personal decision. Even though I am unbelievably grateful that someone chose to donate embryos to me, I honestly don’t know what I would do if I’d been faced with that decision.
My daughter is the light of my life. My family is head over heels for her. I look at her and I’m glad my old ovaries failed me, because that’s why I have HER! So I hope that if you do decide to donate your embryo you will consider helping an alternative family, someone trying to become a mom on her own, or a gay or lesbian couple. “Embryo adoption” agencies will not work with us, and as has already been mentioned by MSW, the fees can be prohibitive.
I wish you peace with your decision. Whatever it may be.
I would LOVE to help an alternative family. I didn’t know those embryo adoption agencies wouldn’t even work with you…. I did know the fees were huge.
I also didn’t know that agencies wouldn’t work with alternative families. Yet another reason I wouldn’t be comfortable with them.
Most of them are religiously based, thus the exclusions. They also have age cutoffs. I became pregnant at 45, had a perfectly healthy pregnancy, and delivered my daughter at 38 weeks at the age of 46. Most people can’t believe I’m over 40 (I’m 48 now), but I would have been excluded on that basis as well.
And I’m so glad to hear you would want to help an alternative family, Natalie. Another consideration in your decision is whether it might help your comfort level to have an open or semi-open relationship with the recipient family. In my experience, alternative families might be more open to that.
Again, you and your husband need to find the answer that feels right for your family.
I am on the other end….we had no embryos left after two IVFs. We were so thrilled with our son and thought we would be happy just to have him…but when he was one we really wanted another…but I was too old and our struggles were so hard and expensive the first time. So…we turned to embryo donation and we are the proud parents of a beautiful baby girl. Our donation was anonymous and we prefer it that way, but I read blogs of many people who have open embryo adoptions and they all seem to really love each other. I guess it is all what is important and comfortable for you. I would encourae you to really think about this decision and maybe even wait until after you have this baby to see how you really feel.
Kd
Oh wow, that is quite the decision. I have no idea what I would do if I were in that situation! I just know that there is no way I could discard it either. But I don’t think I could really be okay with the thought of somebody else having what was “my” baby… but then again I would feel like I was being selfish too not to give somebody the gift of having a child if I could… so..holy crap is that a difficult decision! I know you’ll do what you feel is best though and follow your heart just like you always do. Good luck with your decision!
I still think you should wait to make a decision until you see how this pregnancy turns out. Are you planning on finding out the sex this time? I have 2 girls’ and sisterhood in our home is so adorable. They both have their DADDY WRAPPED! I admire you for your concern and ideas in this matter. Bless you and yours and good luck to you and Dennis in making this decision!
Here from LCFA…
If for some horrible, awful reason your pregnancy was not successful, would you want to keep your embryo?
We did IVF and had 4 embryos. Two were transferred resulting in a twin pregnancy, and two were frozen. Unfortunately, I had severe complications with my pregnancy and lost one of my twins late in the pregnancy. We were told that I should not attempt any more pregnancies…and frankly, we were emotionally done.
We decided to donate our two remaining embryos. I did TONS of research and thought that we would use an agency but was REALLY turned off by the extremely high fees an adopting couple/mother has to pay. Instead we used “miraclesinwaiting.org” where the website lets adopting couples post for a small fee…donating couples are free. We met an AMAZING couple there. We had hours and hours of phone conversations with them and decided to have an open-embryo adoption, when/if the siblings were older enoug to know about one another. We asked them to work with a lawyer and pay all the costs of setting up a contract. Our couple decided to travel to our fertility clinic and do they FET in our state. We met with them several times and continued to discuss our hope and dreams for their children to-be.
Our couple became pregnant! It was the best feeling in the world, but unfortunately, she miscarried early in the pregnancy. It was the one thing that I hadn’t truly prepared myself for…we came to love this couple and were completely heartbroken for them (and us).
I would do it again in heartbeat, though. Open adoption is not the right choice for everyone, but it was an awesome choice for us. Please feel free to email me with any questions you might have.