This Moment
Sometimes a break is just what I need. I was just so frustrated this weekend, heightened by the fact that Den was home and yet unable to really help – I’m the only one who can put her to sleep on her bed. Today was my work day, I put her down for her morning nap and left. Turns out she slept 1 1/2 hours for that nap, and then in the afternoon layed down on/with Den in her room and slept for 2 hours. He couldn’t put her down, but she slept. Just the two naps today, and she went down for bed at 9pm, peacefully and easily, and didn’t wake up for an hour and a half. Considering the hell the last week has been in the evening this was such a huge lovely thing! (Guess she is ready to drop a nap – but her sleeping 2 hours is a rare thing.)
I came home from work to find a happy, well-rested baby. I gave her some dinner while I ate mine, then we took a bath together. I haven’t done that in a while; I like to have my shower in the morning, which is when I used to bathe her too, but since starting solids she needs an evening bath. She sits well enough on her own that I’ve just been doing the “traditional” thing and sitting outside the tub washing her. Today I really needed a shower so she sat in the tub playing with her tubby toys while I showered – she even crawled between my legs, which seemed funny to me because she was getting drenched but didn’t seem to mind! When I was done I soaped her up and rinsed her off, then I filled the tub up so we could sit and play. I forgot how much fun it was! She doesn’t keep trying to climb out when I’m in there with her. Plus I can fill it up higher, since I’m there for balance and support (when it’s deeper she tips over much more easily!). She played with her little tubby toys for a while. Then for the first time I let her float in the water with her ears submerged, supporting her head so that her mouth, nose and eyes were out of the water. She just layed there very peacefully, gently flexing her feet and moving her hands as she made sounds. She hummed and “aahhhhh”d, letting out a couple of screeches just to pause and listen. I remember doing that as a little kid, listening to how funny I sounded in my head with the water all around. When she was done playing she pulled up on me and rested her head on my shoulder, both of us all warm and wet from the bath.
Later, when she was tired, I layed down to nurse her and then cuddled her as she fell asleep. She dropped off easily and slept for an hour and a half. I went in without any expectations of her sleeping or not, and after humming with me for a little while she fell back asleep. I just layed there for a long while, smelling her hair and soft little baby breath, arms wrapped around her. It was then that I realized that my work day did wonders in re-setting my brain.
It’s funny in a way how we all get so caught up in what we’re doing that their needs can feel like an imposition. It’s hard not to feel frustration when she’s interrupted something for the third time when she’s supposed to be sleeping, especially when I’m tired and just need a break. But at the same time, do I really need to clean out the sink or finish that show? Life is easier when I let go – when I focus on what’s really important. She needs me. There will come a day when she doesn’t (or at least doesn’t think she does), when I wish I could hold her as she falls asleep.
It’s impossible to put motherhood into words. A lot of people I talk to speak of motherhood as exhaustion, demands, responsibility. I say it’s joy… the kind of joy I couldn’t even imagine. Holding Kate in the dark, her little hand flexing against my arm, I know that I would trade everything for this moment. All the heartache and pain of the past 5 years, I would do it again to get to this very moment with my daughter.
I love this post. And so needed to hear this- even though I’m at a very different part of my journey, reading what you wrote is just what I needed to hear tonight.
I loved this post too.
Im going to admit,that after 3 kids and no breaks (no alone time with DH and very little me-time at all) in almost 3 years,I always catch my self moaning about being a mother lately.
I feel exsausted and desperate to just do something simple,like lay down with DH in the middle of the afternoon like we used to do,watch a movie without being climbed on,talk with another adult without being constasntly interupted by my toddler,or just go grocery shopping on my own without telling my older kids to stop arguing whilst trying to get Noelia to stop picking things off of the shelfs in the supermarket at the same time,etc etc etc…
As a SAHM who never gets to do A N Y T H I N G or go anywhere without my kids,I am probably one of those people you would not like to talk to right now lol.
I am in desperate need of a break and due to this,I find myself not enjoying this whole experience,Im missing out on the awsome part of being a mother and although it upsets me,I cant help it.My body and mind just keep saying “leave me alone!” kwim?
Im just telling you this so that you dont think that the moms who have something to complain about are just ungreatful women who dont deserve or appreciate their kids..I assure you that sometimes,its through pure exsaustion and the desperate need to “reset” our brain (as you put it).
As I write this,Im balancing Noelia who is deamanding to BF,and I find myself thinking “for gods sake..cant I do anything I want without wearing a child on my face!!??”…
I go to bed at night feeling guilty and then next day,it all just starts over again.I remember how easy it was with just one..
I love my kids to death,I thank god for them every night.But a break would be a godsend to me at this point.Even the most amazing things can get old really fast if you are doing them 24/7,365 days a year with no help or breaks in between.
Its so easy to forget how lucky one is :/
Gina, everyone needs a break. I go out at least one evening a week, plus I work for 6 hours on Mondays. It does me a lot of good, and it’s sometimes a very needed time away… and really lets me appreciate things more when I get home.
Yes,you really do apreciate something more when you are able to pull yourself away from what ever it is and realise that you miss it :)
A week ago,I was asked to do a painting job (a mural on the side of a boat) and the 2 afternoons (3 hours each) it took me to do it were complete heaven for me.
I came home eager & ready to face the kids lol.I actually found myself wishing I had a job outside the house just so that I could get away and come back with that feeling every afternoon.Id love an evening out once a week too!
Something to look forward to does wonders..I cant even remember what that feels like anymore.
Nat – what a beautiful post. I found that I appreciate Evie so much more with her in daycare during the day. We both get a break from each other and are able to spend QUALITY time together. I totally get it. You area mother – but you are still a person too. Hugs you.
I’m delurking to say I loved this post too and really needed it. Being a mom (after IF) is such a stew of emotions and exhaustion and forgetting and remembering to be grateful. Every day. Every 10 minutes?
Oh, it’s so true. My boy is 7 months and I’m experiencing all of these things with you. It’s such a joy and a pleasure.