You know what’s frustrating? I think of these awesome topics while I’m doing things like driving the car, or giving Kate a bath, or laying in bed nursing her. Then, hours and/or days later I open up my blog and I stare at the screen. I type two words and then the dog causes something to go crash, my husband comes home, or the baby wakes up, or I get an email from work, and now those two words make no sense to me at all anymore. And that idea? I had an idea? Wait, what? I used to be able to write. I used to write a lot. Now I’m just trying to make sure I keep up with my little notes in my text file and emails to my mom.

And the phone? I admit, I’ve always had issues with phones. Always, from the time I was a little kid. I was most certainly not that youngling answering the phone when she shouldn’t be, I remember my mom practically yelling at me to get me to call people (to say thank you, or to ask a question, or whatever). The phone issues were getting better as I grew up these last 10 years. I still would avoid some calls that would set off my anxiety for unknown reasons, but I was pretty good about making appointments and such. Now? Ha. Well first of all, Kate was always either awake and needing to be held (and no, I do not multi-task well) or asleep on me and the sound of my voice would wake her up. Now she’s in the If I see it it must be mine! stage and I spend the entire phone call with my mom juggling Kate on one arm while she shrieks happily and reaches out for the phone. Sometimes I put her down to play, which she’s good at, but it never fails that the moment I try to hold a conversation on the phone she starts crying or shrieking or something. The time I get to myself to do things is from 10 until Midnight – no phone calls can be made during those hours. So now my phone anxiety is back up again and I beg for people to please text or email me.

See, if though Kate’s asleep right now I still am all discombobulated trying to do three things at once. I wrote those two paragraphs and then flipped over to something else and now have lost my train of thought. No, wait… I didn’t have one to start with.

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Since having Kate I joined a local moms group just for the socialization aspect, something to do during the day and people to get to know. It’s kind of funny, I think I’m more social now than I ever was before. I still would probably stay home most days, if it weren’t for little miss bright-eyes getting bored with that. Last night I took Kate with me to an evening gathering. She has a late bedtime so staying out until 10 isn’t a huge problem with us as it is with other families with babies. She does get a little clingy in the evening – much more mellow than her usual shrieking, bouncing self – but even so she let some of the other mommies hold her for a while. When she got whiny I took her and she layed her head on my shoulder… but still leaned back to watch everyone with serious eyes.

The girls commented that I seem very relaxed for a first-time mom. I’m not sure what triggered the comment, as there was nothing of note that happened. Maybe me passing Kate around, maybe the way I repeatedly picked her paci off the floor to simply brush it off and pop it back in again, or maybe just the fact that I was there with her at 10pm instead of fretting about bed times. It’s not the first time someone has mentioned to me that I’m an easy-going mama. It actually makes me giggle a little. Me, easy-going. Not something I ever would have expected with my personality.

The more I think about it the more I realize that I just don’t care about the small things. If she spits up on her clothes or puts toys in her mouth or leans forward and bonks her head on the wall… it’s all okay. I don’t judge my life’s success by a clean floor or how long she naps. I think that’s definitely a side-effect of the losses we’ve been through. Is Kate injured? No? We’re all good.

On the flip side things like car safety are very important to me. I cannot for the life of me understand parents who don’t bother to correctly strap their child into a carseat. I probably make Kate a little uncomfortable with how snug I pull her straps every time, but she only fusses momentarily. She wears only light fleece jackets when in the seat. And I plan to keep her rear-facing until she is 3 or 4 years old. The idea of getting into an accident isn’t just a hazy maybe, it’s something that could very well happen tomorrow. I will do everything I possibly can to make sure that she is as safe as possible.