Kate is in sleep transition. I am exhausted.

I mentioned how she seems to want to nap laying on our bed. These past two weeks I have started nursing her to sleep (though not every time – sometimes she just wants the paci and a snuggle), then getting up and quietly leaving when she’s almost asleep. I have been SO proud of her, I walk in all smiles when she wakes up and give her tons of kisses for sleeping all by herself. Plus she’s wicked adorable when she’s all round-eyed after just waking up.

Well the change seems to be extending to night-time, too. It’s a wee bit frustrating. We’ve had several rough nights as we try to re-negotiate this whole sleeping thing, trying to figure out just what she wants. We’ve been waking up both on our backs, her arms flung over her head like she sleeps during her naps. It appears she is liking having some space. But at the same time she still wants snuggles from mama, she wants to feel safe and secure. So it’s kind of Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. ‘Cause I kind of need sleep, too.

Last night I put her in a footed sleeper, thinking it would keep her warm when she’s not snuggled up to me. I don’t think it worked very well, she fussed and cried. Every time I layed down with her she would start crying and screeching. But she was obviously tired. She’d nurse for 2 seconds, then cry. Take the pacifier, then spit it out and cry. I tried putting her on her back, on her side, holding her. I changed her out of the sleeper, changed her diaper. Layed down… she started crying again. I was so frustrated! I sat up with a mutter, planning to take her into the living room to walk her around for a while, but when I turned to pick her up she flung her arms over her head, gave a sigh, and fell asleep. Just like that. I sat there beside her feet and gave a quiet, “What the hell?” So I ended up laying down really close to Den, giving Kate lots of room so I wouldn’t disturb her.

And it would have been really really cool had she slept like that all night, but instead it was a very long night of her waking up unhappy every hour. She wanted her paci, she wanted to nurse, she wanted to fidget, etc etc. I had to keep scooting close to her, nursing her, comforting her, then scooting away when she fell back asleep. This is not working. I hope she figures it out soon.

I hate sleeping in the middle of the damn bed, it’s uncomfortable and I feel squished. Kate still seems to dislike the mattress in the cosleeper, she refuses to sleep in it still. So I think our next step is going to be side-carring her crib to our bed so she can be right beside me, but giving me my side of the bed back. But before we do that I’m going to wait a night or two to make sure this is actually what she’s going to continue doing. It could be something else bugging her and making for crappy nights, but it doesn’t strike me as “I don’t feel good,” it’s more of a “I don’t want to sleep like this, but I’m tired.”

But then the other side of it is that I woke up this morning feeling not only tired, but really sad, too. She may be ready to sleep by herself, but… I’m not. I sleep like crap when I’m not touching her, because I’m constantly waking up to make sure she’s okay. Even if she’s literally one foot away from me, I don’t feel “safe” like when she’s in my arms. Every time I wake up with her snuggled up to me I immediately know where she is – before I’m even fully conscious, I know where she is. I remember the first two weeks Kate was home, when she was still sleeping in the co-sleeper, I would wake up every morning in a panic, sitting bolt upright and leaning over to make sure she was still there, and still alive. It’s been very peaceful to wake up gently for 3 months. I even had the half-thought last night that I could try her in her crib to see how she does, but I just couldn’t do it… I couldn’t sleep in a separate room right now.

My history is definitely playing into a lot of the decisions I make with Kate. I don’t think I would have been so keen to co-sleep and have her with me 24/7 every day had I gotten pregnant five years ago, before we went through everything that we did. But my history is my history, and this slow progress reflects not only her comfort level, but mine too. I’m glad it’s a slow progression. I’m glad I have time to get used to things.