Needs
Unbeknownst to me we have ended up with a high-maintenance baby. Which is kind of funny because if you’d have asked me a week ago I would have shrugged and said she’s not easiest baby, but she’s certainly not the hardest. She isn’t colicky – there aren’t hours of screaming. She sleeps well at night as long as I sleep with her. She’s healthy, other than some gas. She sleeps easily and well enough.
But the thing is, she’s very very picky. I hear of others talking about their babies happily sleeping in their carseat or bouncer, of playtime and tummy time spent delighting on the playmat. I hear of babies now going 3-4 hours between feeds and sleeping 8 hours in a stretch at night happily swaddled. Ha ha. Ha.
She does a lot of screaming, and we really thought it was gas. We dutifully give her many doses of mylicon every day in the hopes that it will help. But the thing I’ve noticed is that the screaming is both random and quickly quelled by picking her up, giving her her pacifier, and shushing her – or, failing that, nursing her. She’ll be screaming an ear-piercing scream moments before smiling at mama after I pick her up. I have learned when to expect the screaming. The list includes – but is not limited to – the following: when she wakes up, when she’s done eating, when she’s put down, when she’s picked up wrong, when she’s put in her swing (if she’s not tired and doesn’t have her pacifier), when she’s put in a carrier (and she’s not tired and doesn’t have her pacifier), when the person holding her is standing still… and so on and so forth. She’s happy as a clam when she has what she wants, which usually means falling asleep on mommy or daddy’s chests while we walk or rock. If she doesn’t have it? Hissyfit.
Worse is when I can’t immediately respond, such as when we’re standing in a store or in the car – if she wants to nurse I have to stop what I’m doing, unbuckle her from whatever she’s in, find a place to sit down, then nurse. And there’s no predicting it, either. She’ll be asleep in a carrier and then open her eyes, yawn, look around, and start screaming, stretching her legs as if to pop out the top of the carrier, and arching her back. So now suddenly out of nowhere I have a screaming beast attached to my chest in place of the sweet, peacefully sleeping child that was there 10 seconds ago and I’m speed walking to the mother’s room.
I’ve been having some serious mommy doubt the last few days. I’m happy to attachment-parent, I believe in responding immediately to a baby’s needs. Everything I’ve read has talked about responding to their first cues, before they start crying. Well I’m not doing that. In fact I’m not sure it’s physically possible. Kate gives maybe a few grunts before crying, and very quickly escalates to full out screaming, often before I can even reach her, much less figure out what it is that she wants. So I kept thinking What am I doing wrong?
And then I ran across this article: 12 Features of a High Need Baby. Bingo. I started cutting and pasting sections into an email to send to Den. Intense? When she’s unhappy she’s fucking pissed. Feeds frequently? Yep. Demanding, awakens frequently, unsatisfied, unpredictable, super-sensitive, can’t put baby down, not a self-soother, separation sensitive – pretty much everything on that list refers to her, excepting the part about not sleeping much; my Kate is still a champion sleeper (as long as she’s cuddled up to me or Den!), though yes she wakes frequently for nursing and just to fidget.
It’s nice to have that little lightbulb go off. Why yes, she is a needy baby, that’s okay, and we’re doing just fine. Just the occassional meltdown when it hits 8pm and I’m frustrated at her screaming because she’s unhappy but doesn’t know what she’s unhappy about (or at the very least I can’t figure out what it is).
I do believe she’s going to be one hell of a toddler.
Yep – Toddler hood will be a BLAST. HA HA – from one ‘high maintenance’ mom to another. But its a fun ride too.
She’d definitely a needy baby. But I’m not 100% sure that transfers to toddlerhood.
Are you sure you’re not talking about our child? Oof. I will say that, at least, I am usually able to find the joy in the exhaustion. Good luck. XD
They can be a handful, but it sounds like you are doing the very best that you can. And when they are young they go through phases so quickly, it’s hard to keep up. Have you ruled out an ear infection? My youngest is generally easy going but also prone to ear infections and I can always tell (now) when he has one because he becomes a screaming/sobby/high needs mess. Those babies are tricky ones. Good luck!
Kate and E sound very similar. And in fact, I blogged almost this exact post and cited that same source a while back. haha. Too bad you didn’t stumble across it then. It may have saved you some upset.I had the same worries about responding to him, but you’re doing everything you can. :) He thrived on our love and attention even as we were going crazy and just keeps getting better and better. Now he’s a very easy going baby (with Mommy and Daddy only, but hey).. at least he seems easy going to us compared to before. haha. See my recent post for proof. She will get better.
Had one (my oldest) EXACTLY like that. My second was the opposite. Oldest is now 27 years old and still particular but has accomplished so much in his life because he knows what he wants, how he wants it, and what he needs to do to get it. Continue the attachment parenting. You are dealing with personality and it is just who she is.
This is EXACTLY how my daughter was. When I explain it to people, they always want to label her as “colicky” but I don’t think she was. I just described her as waking up pissed off every day. When she was happy, she could outshine the sun. But when she was pissed she screamed her fool head off (which was often and varied between 1 minute and 2 hours). She also sucked at sleeping unless we were holding her.
She really turned a corner around 9 months. Much less screaming and general agitation. Then I distinctly remember that at 16 months she became a TON of fun. She was funny and sweet and wonderful. Yes, she was still *spirited* but so much better.
After about age 3, she became a delight. Now she’s almost 6 and you’d have no idea she was such a shitty sleeper and constant cryer. She’s got a great personality and wonderful manners.
My son? TOTALLY different child. He was probably in the “normal” range for fussing and crying, but by comparison we thought he was an angel. We joke around that Megan cried more in the first week of her life than he cried in his first full year.
However, when HE turned 16 months, he morphed into Dennis the Menace. He is THE WORST. If he can break it, throw it, bite it, yell at it, jump on it or otherwise ransack it, he will. Repeatedly. He’s sweet and so dang funny but gosh he’s a lot of work.
Everyone tells me it’s because he’s a boy. But I also know that even if my kids were the same sex, they would have radically different personalities because they just came that way.
You figured out much quicker than I did that your daughter is a high needs baby. Therefore, I’m confident you will handle it with a lot more grace than I did. :-) You already are…
Oh my goodness. That was exactly my baby. She was a screamer. And her screams were the screamiest I have ever heard in my life. So high-pitched and loud and ear-piercing. I was just thinking the other day about how I always felt so afraid to take her out places and was having trouble remembering why I felt so panicky with her all the time. Well, you have reminded me. ;o) My babe is now 11 months old, and she is a doll. She rarely cries now–only if she’s hungry or tired. She sleeps 9-10 hours through the night almost every night now–in her own crib. I can’t remember exactly when things changed, but they sure did. And I really believe she is so easy-going now because my husband and I were always very diligent about responding to her right away when she was so needy in those early months.
I just have to say that it sounds like you’re doing a wonderful job with Kate. She sounds very loved and cared for and treasured.
first off, you are doing a great job mama! i had a very high needs baby like you described. it’s hard! but i can tell you she has turned into a smart, independent, and very happy two year old. and i am sure your sweet little girl will do the same. hang in there and just know that you are not alone and it will get better :)
Don’t worry too much….often super fussy, needy babies just need to get to the point where they can play and entertain themselves. I’ve seen many of them outgrow it by the time they could sit up and play with toys or sit in an excersaucer and be entertained. And…I know it is summer, but do you have a moby wrap? sometimes these babies just need to be worn and that wrap is so versitile. You can nurse in it, and also have your hands free for the other times to get something done.
Good luck…she may be high maintenance…but she sure is a cutie…
Hi there! Long time lurker and have only commented a handful of times. I really enjoy reading your blog. Our fourth was like Kate…he is a year and still a bit of a hot/cold personality. I know you probably get a lot of advice so just ignore this one if you have already ruled it out, but last child had a dairy sensitivity. Ugh! It was awful. I noticed it the first night after I gave birth I wanted Pizza 9I think I ate the whole thing) and he was a mess that first night. The ped made a suggestion that it was the dairy and I was all yeah right, pass the cheese please. My other son had no such thing, why would this guy be any different (I am stubborn like that)? Finally, I kind of made a journal of his behavior (not really gassy just really unhappy) after I ate certain foods and yep, no dairy for me…that and tomato sauce! I did a trial run of cutting out dairy for a two weeks and notice his behavior improved…he was still fussy but not as much. AND he had silent reflux which can be quite painful. I also had a heavy let down which didn’t help matters much. Sleeping on us and his belly made his and our lives much easier. He also finally loved his swing. He grew out of the dairy sensitivity by 9 months…a much happier guy and hey, I could finally eat good stuff again! Best of luck to you your cute, but needy little girl :) She is a adorable!
Thank you SO much for this link. This is my Angus!
Keep up the good work with Kate. You’re doing a wonderful job.
xo
Yep, high maintenance just like my DS! At 15 months, I would say he is still high maintenance but in a different kind of way. He still has the same needs, but is able to communicate things a little and understand some things I tell him. I don’t know if I would say he is any more demanding than any other toddler though. He is a lot more chilled out than he was for the first year!
But overall he is such an affectionate, loving toddler and I am sure that attachment parenting and responding to his needs immediately has helped bring that out.
Enjoy the ride, it’s a lot of fun :)
she sounds a lot like my oldest. I can’t lie–her baby and toddler years were tough. But at 6, she’s an absolute joy. She’s still a very sensitive child–she cries if her father looks at her askance–but she’s also very attentive to other people’s moods and feelings, which means she’s very empathetic.
Absolutely everything in this post resonates with me. Keep strong and know that you aren’t alone. One day, Sam and Kate should meet…they can teach each other tricks on how to identify the most inopportune time to howl!!! ;)