I feel like the end is drawing near. In one way it’s so exciting, actually anticipating going into labor. When Devin died I still felt ages away from that point, but somehow this time it all seems far more palpable – maybe because I’m contracting so frequently. I’m going to be 37 weeks on Tuesday, officially “full term.” We have all of the important things ready for her, and most of the rest of it too. It feels like we’re just sitting back and waiting for her to arrive.

But on the other side of it, I’m also feeling sad, too. The end is drawing nearer. This will be over soon. And I’m not sure I’m ready to let go. I’ve had a pretty easy pregnancy, all considered, and I enjoy it so much. It’s such a unique experience, so amazing.

In the end Kate herself will decide when her time to arrive is, we are just spectators on the side. People have been asking me if my doctors are going to induce me, because of the previous stillbirth. At this point I don’t see that happening. Now that the scary week is past I am feeling back to my usual self – hyper-aware, but doing pretty well. The anxiety has gone back down to an easily manageable level. As long as Kate keeps moving well for me and doing just fine in her NSTs then I feel like I can handle the waiting.

The thing is, I would like to avoid an induction if I can at all help it. I believe labors progress the best when they start on their own, because the baby and your body are ready. I want my chance at this labor – I am honestly excited to experience it, to see how it will go. I have fears – oh, certainly – but I already know I can handle labor. Though I am mentally preparing myself for this one to be longer and harder than my labor with Devin – his was so much faster and easier than I ever anticipated, and I don’t want to be caught unprepared if this one follows a more normal course.

I’m still contracting quite a lot. Some days are more contraction-free than others, but days like yesterday and today I get several good ones an hour. However other than the frequent contractions I have no other sign that labor is impending. I have no cramps, no spotting, no stomach upset. Hell I don’t even have any pelvic or hip pain, even at night. She has not dropped – which is a good thing, because she’s still posterior. I have a feeling this one isn’t going to flip around (if she does, which I certainly hope so – I’ve been encouraging her) or drop until right before labor. Her head is in my pelvis, but I have no sensation of her trying to fall out or anything. And I still feel like I carry high with her, her feet all up at my ribs.

It’s amazing to me, watching her grow right before my eyes. My belly is big and getting bigger. Her movements are so strong now, much stronger than I remember Devin’s ever getting. She’s certainly bigger. I can look down and see little protrusions zipping around my belly: her feet, traveling as she stretches and struggles against the restrictions of my uterus.

So far I still have a very very light linea nigra running from my belly button down, and no stretch marks. I am waiting to see if that changes in the next few weeks. I have noticed a change in my face and upper arms, a little extra weight that wasn’t there before – it took longer for that to show up this time, probably because of my lower starting weight. I have certainly put on extra padding in my rear end, hips and thighs, but it’s not a lot. Mostly I just have the basketball out front. My coworkers tsk at me and say, “Oh, you’re one of THOSE!” Yep. It’s a total bitch for me to get pregnant in the first place, but I carry damn well.

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I’ve been getting “When are you due?” questions at work for months now, but it seems like today all of a sudden every other customer was asking me. Apparently it has just suddenly become extremely obvious to the point where even the kindly older men are asking without fear of being wrong. Funny enough some were really surprised when I answered, “4 weeks!”

It is somewhat frustrating, however, is answering, “Yes,” every time someone asks if it’s my first. I made that decision a long time ago – I feel no desire to go into an explanation ten times a day while I am attempting to do my job. These are not people I know, not people I will likely see again after I have the baby, so I just don’t want to get into it. So they all just smile and say, “Oh, that’s nice!” and I smile back, finish the transaction, and on to the next person. The hard part, however, comes after the fact. I say, “Yes, it’s my first,” so frequently now that it’s become an automatic reflex, and that part I don’t like, not at all. A few weeks ago I was at a social gathering and someone asked that question and I said yes before I even thought about it. Then I was irritated because in a relaxed, casual setting, being social, I would have explained the truth. But it tumbled out so fast I didn’t catch myself in time, and by that point I didn’t want to go back and say, “Actually, no…” I am definitely looking forward to quitting the job so that I can un-learn this little habit.