Trying to dramatically stomp through a room is rather difficult when you have both a bad foot cramp and a contraction. It looks more like a very drawn-out, disgruntled waddle. It did, however, give me plenty of time to let loose a muttered, incomprehensible rant that sounded something along the lines of, “fucking laptop…. foot cramp…. burping up bananas!!” (He wisely just watched me, wide-eyed, and didn’t say anything.)

::

The time seems so short now. The days creep closer to May and everything just feels more real… more immediate. The other day Den said out loud what I have been thinking all week: last time at this same point in the pregnancy everything still felt so far away, but this time it feels right around the corner. Maybe because last time we were absolutely convinced I was going to go overdue, we had nothing really prepared. This pregnancy, well, this is when it all slammed to a halt last time, so we’re all too aware of how things can change in an instant. Plus all these nice little “practice contractions” are making us aware that it really could be any time now. It’s probably a good thing to have little reminders knocking on the door.

I have 3 weeks left of working. And, realistically, she could come a little before or a little after that. 3 weeks. Holy crap. I feel excited and totally pumped up to tackle labor and bring this baby home… but then I’m scared of the unknowns and struggling with the worries of becoming a new parent. I know people do it all the time – but I’ve never done it. I’ve never had to change diapers, get up five times a night to breastfeed. I’ve never felt personally and directly responsible for a human being’s entire life. It’s a little terrifying.

At least I’ve been through labor before – but I am still a little nervous about that, too. I’m doing what I can to prepare myself for the possibility that labor will not be at all the same as last time. In some ways it feels scarier than last time because last time I had the kind of confidence that only someone who has never actually experienced something can have: I took the class, I read the books, I knew what to do. Now I read those books and snort at how pat and simple things sound in a book. “May become confused and scared during transition,” does not quite do justice to how it felt to struggle with the pain of changing contractions, my body shaking uncontrollably, as I thought for sure I had completely lost control. I’m not scared of doing it again – I’m scared that I’ll be expecting one thing and my body will take a totally different path. I spend my time reading books and trying to prepare myself for all eventualities.

As eager as I am to experience it all, I am not getting cervical checks, and I am not going to be doing anything to try to get labor started (sex, walking, evening primrose oil). I guess I just feel like my labor will start when my body is ready, and I don’t want to do anything to try to force it. I feel very peaceful about it, really.

I really feel myself drawing away from the world. I am introverted to begin with, even more so when pregnant and tired; all pregnancy I have had a limited amount of energy for being around other people. But now I feel like my entire focus is shifting inward, downward. I have an ever-growing pile of books beside my bed, every one of them about babies, labor and pregnancy. I feel far less concerned about anything outside my little bubble. Situations at work that would at one point have caused me stress barely register anymore. It’s hard to even maintain my focus at work – all I can think about is how is this isn’t going to matter a month from now. But I am also far more irritable than ever before – I have a short temper, and emotional outbursts – including tears – are not at all uncommon. While extraneous things do not bother me much at all, anything that even remotely concerns the baby is A Big Deal.