Gateway
During the day when I feel a little kick I will frequently say, “Oh! She’s awake!” What I really mean – but don’t say – is, “Oh good, she’s still alive!” (I did that once and it garnered a very strange look from a co-worker.)
No, I never did end up getting a doppler. I have not ruled it out, if I feel I need one, but so far her little kicks during the day have been enough to keep me calm and reassured. If I hadn’t started feeling movement when I did I probably would have needed the extra help. I take it day by day, and so far this little one is very good at keeping mommy informed.
I think about how hard this must be on the other expectant parent – the one not carrying the baby, not feeling the kicks and wiggles and rolls. It is such a huge amount of trust placed in me, the carrier of this baby. He asks me how I am feeling, what the baby is doing. I do my best to tell him, I always have – and I think he appreciates how in-tune I am with my body. But still, it is just me telling him, me feeling movement, me sleeping peacefully with this tiny being cradled inside. It is this closeness, this familiarity with the baby and constant check-ins that keeps me sane. How does he get through?
I can now see little kicks make my belly jump – at least once in a while, if she’s kicking the right spot, at the right time. But I haven’t even called Den over to look, and not just because it’s so infrequent you could stare for 15 minutes (going slightly cross-eyed) and not see anything. I can see my pulse on my belly, it’s the weirdest thing; it twitches along with my heartbeat. I can tell which is which, I can feel that beat inside me and easily pick out the baby’s kicks from the rhythm. But the husband? Not so much. Between that pulse and my breathing it is hard enough for him to feel a kick (which has the same we-could-be-here-a-while wait).
It feels less strange now that I feel her moving around – I think it weirded me out a lot more to know that there was this living, moving creature inside me but I couldn’t see or feel it at all. She is starting to get a personality to me now. As my belly is growing into its skin once again, so am I mentally growing into my pregnant self again. I find myself settling comfortably here, with fondness. I look in the mirror more now. I have found myself again. I am whole again – at least physically.
I am the keeper of this special little secret. It is through me that she experiences the world – and through me that the world experiences her.
I did that, too, that “oh good, s/he’s alive.” Never spoken, but always thought.
There was one time while pregnant with Patrick. It was after 38 weeks, so it was past my loss point and every night was so hard since Cora died while I was sleeping. I was laying in bed with my hands on my belly while Matt was getting ready for work. He asked if I was okay, and said–tensely–that I was just waiting for him to move.
He finally kicked me and I said “oh good!” and Matt asked, “so, still alive then?”
It’s hard.
I’m glad you’re enjoying the pregnancy though. I’m sure after all you’ve been through you just are so grateful to BE pregnant in the first place. I don’t have a full appreciation of how much of a miracle it is to be pregnant I think.
Anyway, I’m tired and rambling. I’m so happy for you, and I can’t wait to “meet” your little girl. But until then I’ll just enjoy seeing your cute belly pictures!
I did the “she’s alive!, It’s all good!” thing too.
Enjoy these kicking feelings! Video tape them if you can.
My daughter will be 3 months old on Wednesday, and I am sad to say I can barely remember the feeling of her kicking in-utero. :(
I’ve been there and done that too, the “oh good she’s alive” thing. I believe it’s only natural for subsequent pregnancies after a loss. It’s just reasurring that they’re still there and it’s one day more that we know baby’s doing well.
I’m happy that all is going well with you, Den and the baby.
♥
And I still feel like that when she moves.
I still think silently “baby, are you still alive? Let me know” and then he kicks and I think “oh good, just checking”.
I didn’t get a doppler and I’ve made it this far so I think I can go the next 1.5 weeks until he’s here.
I’m so glad this baby is so active! Keep kicking little one!
“I find myself settling comfortably here, with fondness. I look in the mirror more now. I have found myself again. I am whole again – at least physically.”
So nice to read this. I hope you are able to enjoy your pregnancy as much as possible.
Your last sentence says it all. =)
Missing your weekly belly pics! xxx
Oh yes…. I missed 19 weeks, but I have 20 weeks I just need to download, lol. And 21 weeks will be taken soonish.
I didn’t really think about this until you mentioned it but I would imagine this is pretty hard on Den…
I do the exact same thing every time he moves – just close my eyes for a second and think “Thank you for being alive”. I’m so glad you are enjoying your pregnancy – I wish I could say the same. You seem able to express so much more positivity and hope than I manage to feel for myself. I wonder if that’s just a personality difference or if it’s partly caused by you being so much further out from your loss, giving you a better ability to distinguish this pregnancy from the last one. I know I’m tremendously lucky that BOTH my IVF attempts have worked, and I hate that you had to wait so long… but at the same time, it’s incredibly hard to be pg again so soon after losing my daughter.
Well, I’ll stop taking up your comment space with stuff that really ought to be on my own so-called blog ;) I look forward to your 20 and 21 week pics!
Ariel, I do think a lot of it has to do with how long it’s been since we lost Devin – I do think that extra time to heal has been helpful in how I approach this pregnancy. I think back to how I felt before I hit the one-year mark of losing Devin and I really don’t think I’d be handling this very well.