I feel like I’m walking in a fog. Granted, some of that is due to my sinus “thing” that I have and the muddy, cotton ball head I have going on. But in large part it just feels like I’m living in a dream.

I find myself staring at the ultrasound picture of my baby. I can see her spine, her belly, her lips and nose. I just look at her and think, oh my god, she is real! And when she kicks me at first I just smile reflexively, protectively, but then there is this moment of – wow, there’s a baby. 19 weeks – my mind spins to think that I am this far already.

Now it is fun to go back to all the early ultrasounds, to look and see. I look at 12 weeks, 10 weeks, 8 weeks, 7 weeks. A blip on the screen. A tiny beating heart. I flip back and forth, wondering how in the hell it got from there to here. It’s magic. I wish I could experience them again, knowing what I know now, what she would become. Without the fear. But that’s not the way it works, I know.

This time we are indulging. With Devin we bought furniture, clothes, a carseat and stroller. I bought a lot of “things.” This time we have it all waiting, so we are spending money on a 3D ultrasound. I have yet to schedule it, I’m still deciding what exactly to buy, and when, but I am getting very excited. Firstly because it won’t be a medical ultrasound, which means I won’t have to watch them inspect my baby for problems, I’ll just get to sit back and watch her. But also because we will get to see what she looks like. Plus we’ll have the video on DVD so that later, when I know it’s all okay and she’s here and healthy, I can go back to watch it in full appreciation, without the shadow of fear that yet hangs over me.