A little girl
This morning I woke up and just layed still in bed for 15 minutes, trying to convince myself to get up and take a shower. But before I finally did so I pushed gently on my belly. “Baby. Baby, move around in there.” I waited. Then… there. Little kicks at the bottom. I smiled and got up for my day.
The ultrasound was first thing in the morning, I picked Den up from work on the way in. We both rode in silence for the most part. Nerves and worries flickered through the air. Always the nerves, before an ultrasound. I knew the baby was alive, and that helped tremendously. But what if…? I really just didn’t let my mind go there.
The ultrasound itself was not at all the same as what I remember with Devin. With him I remember just feeling happy at the show. Oh, a leg, an arm! His face! This time I fretted through it all. Is the brain supposed to look like that? Why are they looking so long at the heart? After the ultrasound tech was done the doctor came in to take his own measurements. Again at the heart. Mine hammered away. He pushed in with the probe on my lower right side and then my lower left side, switching back and forth. My pubic bone was in the way, he couldn’t go any lower down. “Just trying to get one last picture,” he said. Until he said, “It all looks good. You’re all set, you can go.” I’ve decided I dislike ultrasounds.
Before the doctor had come in, the tech had moved on to other body parts. Femur, lower legs, feet. Lower legs were crossed when not kicking away. “Come on, baby,” she cajoled, “open your legs.” Back and forth across the lower body. My eyes searched for tell-tale signs. “Looks like a girl!” she said.
::
It is really hard to put into words how I feel as I sit here, knowing that this little baby is a beautiful, apparently healthy little girl. Thrilled, of course. Excited. Content. Even a little bit smug, since I felt very strongly from the start that this was a girl.
But there is also sadness, such sadness.
When you are awaiting the arrival of a child you come to build all these expectations and images in your head. And when you know the sex of that baby a lot of them revolve around that. For Devin we had so many pictures of us as parents to a little boy. Whether or not they would ever come true didn’t matter – he may have grown up to hate sports. But that doesn’t matter when you are waiting, when all you have are those lovely little scenarios in your head. You envision yourself in them and it feels real.
When we lost Devin we lost everything at once: our future of becoming parents to a child, our roles as parents to a little boy, and we lost him, as an individual child. That last we will never get back, and it is a loss we will carry around forever. But life has been kind to us and given us this second chance at parenthood – here we are again, expecting, awaiting with hope and dreams for this new little child.
Today we learned that if all continues to go well we will be parenting a little girl. This brings with it all kinds of new hopes and dreams, a new image. But it also means we have to still leave at rest that picture of raising a little boy. Maybe not forever – maybe we will get another little boy someday, though that is by no means a given, seeing how difficult it is for us to get pregnant. For right now, for the foreseeable future, it means we will be leaving the little boy clothes packed away along with all those daydreams of raising a little boy.
For me, too, there is a heavy heart because this would have been perfect. A little boy, then a little girl, 2 years apart. Here is this gift, this perfect little family – but Devin is missing from the portrait. I mourn the empty space.
It is hard – and will remain hard – to honor both of them, to appreciate their similarities and differences, to feel joy even beside the sadness.
But here is this girl, this beautiful, living little girl, awake and active inside me. May she be healthy and joyful.
Congratulations! I’m so happy for you!
Much health and joy to you, as well. I can only imagine the complicated feelings around it. But I am so happy for you that everything looks well. ♥
Congratulations!
YAY!!! Congrats! (I’m excited that I finally guessed correctly on a gender! ehehe!)
I’m so sorry that this is bittersweet for you. I hope you enjoy buying lots of girly things!
YEAH Nat!!!!
A little girl – Im soo happy for you! She looks beautiful! I know you are sad for the part of your life with Devin that is not there but you are blessed to have a healthy baby girl on the way and you can maybe tell her one day when shes a lot older how wonderful her older brother would have been.
I love to read about your journey and I pray for you all the time….Im so happy for you!!!
yay!! I had a feeling it was a girl. Congrats…she is already so beautiful like her mama. :)
xxx
Jackie
A little girl. How wonderful. How bittersweetly wonderful.
A precious baby girl…congrats! Beautiful post.
So have you decided on the name…I know you had some options in mind, but have you guys agreed on something yet?
OK, I call foul. Totally making me cry with this post. Yes, may she be healthy and joyful, indeed. <3
I am so pleased all is well with your little girl! So exciting but at the same time sad. I can’t imagine how u must be feeling at the mo, such mixed feelings. Hope all remains well with you and ur baby girl! X
Congratulations on a healthy little girl!
Aidan and I send our congratulations and many, many hugs!
Huzzah!
So, so thrilled for you!!!!
Bittersweet Congratulations Natalie! I can imagine it is difficult to find out that your SPALS baby is not the same gender as the one you lost. Though I like to think I would have been fine with a boy after losing Molly, I did feel relieved when I found out that Abigail was a girl. So I appreciate the mix of feelings you must be going through. (((HUGS))) I am so glad to hear that she continues to be healthy and growing/developing on track. Holding you close in my thoughts and prayers. Congrats again! :)
Oh, Natalie!! What a touching entry! I’m so, so, so very happy and excited for you and Den! I’m holding you so tightly in my thoughts.
What a beautiful little baby girl! Congratulations!!
This is so wonderful. A beautiful baby girl…congratulations.
Congrats on your little baby girl! Very sweet post. It brought tears to me.
“May she be healthy and joyful.”
Amen!
*squee* I was right! LOL
That ultrasound picture is so beautiful. What an amazing little miracle she already is and will continue to be.
This post really resonates with me. I lost my first daughter at 38 weeks, and my subsequent baby turned out to be another girl. I felt like the new baby, being a girl, would never be as beautiful, as perfect, as loved as her big sister. I felt like her gender made her too much like a replacement. I felt like I was betraying my first baby having another girl. But you said it, each child is an individual and when my living girl was born, I truly understood that. I hope all the best for you and your baby girl.
Congrats Nat and Den! How exciting. It happened the same way for us…very bittersweet but honestly I don’t know if I could have emotionally handled having another boy right after our son’s loss. I knew she was a girl though…I woke up a few days before the u/s and just knew it in my heart. We do have another son…it was very hard even after having our daughter. He looks like I pictured our first son to look. I enjoy him and love him but even after his birth I felt it bittersweet and an emptiness without C.
I wish your baby girl to be healthy and joyful as you said! You deserve it Nat so enjoy her and the rest of your pregnancy. Her u/s pic is beautiful…what a little miracle she is!
Wonderful post , such good news, mixed feelings of course, but a healthy baby !!! wonderful !!
Congratulations, Natalie. So happy for you and Den.
congrats on a baby girl! :)
I’m so happy for you! Even though I thought for sure you would have another boy…
I am just so happy for you, Den, and your daughter. This is just wonderful.
Oh yay!
Finding out the sex was a bittersweet moment for me because I didn’t think I’d be completely happy one way or the other, but it certainly didn’t take very long to get used to. As far as I’m used to any of this.
yay and eep!
So wonderful!! A little girl. She looks beautiful already! :D
Congratulations!! I’m very happy for you!
Hi-
I read your post and understand how u feel. I remember before we lost our son I was having breakfast thinking – our first child will be a boy – wow. When we lost him I had a daughter and I thought- I should have 2. A son then a daughter…. The feeling still lingers once in a blue moon and it hurts sometimes when I know someones first child is Going to be a boy… But I love my daughter to bits and can’t imagine life without her- I just wish my son could be here too… Ur feeling is normal… My daughter is now 8 months and when we think of having another my fear I guess is I really want a son . What’s ironic I’d I never had any preference before Losing him. It’s normal all u feel is normal. God bless u and I hope for an uneventful pregnancy
I didn’t get to post my congrats previously because I’ve been insanely busy – first with hosting my family for 5 days over the Xmas holiday and then hosting a small wedding for my brother in my living room. Crazy busy. All that aside though – HUGE CONGRATS. I read your previous post about almost hoping that this one was a girl and I totally understand how you felt that way but are now still a little sad about changing all your images of the future. I wish you and Den and your daughter all much peace and happiness in this new year! ((HUGS))