The Back Story
[4w0d]
I’ll start at the beginning – though it can be hard to figure out when one story ends and another begins. You could say this started with my emotional breakdowns, or maybe that it really started with retrieval and transfer… or maybe before even that. But no. This particular story starts on Saturday morning when I woke up to blood.
It was totally unexpected, and I nearly jumped up when I saw blood all over the toilet paper. My heart pounded. And I had to go to work. I’ve only had bleeding happen during an IVF cycle 2ww twice before – once I was pregnant (with Devin), once I got my period a couple days before my beta. And at the first glance of blood this time I had no idea what to expect. I spent the 4 hours at work obsessively going to the bathroom to check for more – there was nothing. I started feeling a tiny bit hopeful. If it stopped maybe it would be a good thing. Maybe this was a sign. But of course I’m doing prometrium 3 times a day, and of course I can feel it leak back out all day long. It made me a paranoid wreck.
Saturday with the bleeding came the bloating. I had bloating after retrieval, but it was finally starting to go back down to normal. Saturday I felt like a balloon once again. Work pants were unbuttoned. Food made it ten times worse. The bleeding stopped – the bloating did not. (But that did not deter me from eating a large amount of very yummy seafood this weekend! I just dealt with looking and feeling huge.)
Our weekend getaway could not have been planned for any better time. I really wanted it to be this weekend, right before my beta – to take my mind of everything and just get me away so I wouldn’t sit and obsess for days. It worked. We went to Rockport on the North Shore of MA, stayed at a little B&B within walking distance of the town. It couldn’t have been any more perfect. We had very little planned and mostly spent our time walking around town, shopping and taking pictures everywhere I went. (Den joked that he was just an accessory – his job was to guide me out of the streets when a car was coming.) One day we came across a kayak rental place and decided, sure, let’s go kayaking! So we went with a tour guide and had a wonderful 2 hours, floating on the water. I practically grew up in my dad’s boat, and some of my most favorite, comforting memories were of curling up in the bow as the boat gently rocked over the waves, up and down.
We asked people where the best places to eat were, then went there. We ate shrimp, lobster, scallops, and the best damn clam chowder I’ve ever had. Then we’d walk back to our B&B (me moaning that Den would have to carry me, I ate tooo muuuuch) and watch the History channel or read. We drove to Gloucester to see Hammond Castle only to discover it was closed – so instead we walked along the Gloucester shore and I snapped more pictures. We’re definitely going back to Rockport in the future, so the things we missed this time we will just do later.
Our first day there, Sunday morning when we first walked down to the town shops, one of the first stores we walked into was a baby store. Everything was far too expensive ($18 for a HAT?! $45 for a sleeper!?!?), but I still walked around touching things, awwing over them. I felt hopeful. Maybe next May. It was on both of our minds.
The next store we went into was a jewelry shop. I said, “Oooo,” and wandered in just to look. I admired all the pretty things, and then started looking at pendants. “That’s pretty,” I’d say, and the woman would take it out. I didn’t really intend to buy anything, but Den said, “If you want it, get it.” She pulled out a twisted chain that I loved. I ended up picking a simple, elegant pendant in a wavy shape with light blue stones in it – for Devin. I don’t have much jewelry in blue. It wasn’t stupid expensive, but more than my usual $5 department store necklaces, and Den just smiled and said I deserve it.
Our next store was a gift shop. We picked out a couple of things, a magnet (I get one whenever I go on vacation), a shot glass, a funny dog magnet for the back of my car (“My name is NO NO BAD DOG, what’s yours?”)…. and the “hope” charm. I saw it and knew, yes, that was what I wanted! Hope. That’s what this weekend was about. Hope for this cycle, hope for the future, hope for my own sense of well-being. I wore it all weekend.
Two days later the blood had not returned and my hope was growing. I felt like this was it. This is exactly what happened with my pregnancy with Devin (though that time I thought it was all over). I was actually getting nervous that I was setting myself up for a huge fall. I almost wanted to just not test at all, put off the beta, and live in suspended belief for a while. My weekend of hope was so lovely, so uplifting, that I didn’t want it to crash down around me. I didn’t want to go back.
I decided not to test first thing Tuesday morning, but to wait until after breakfast, until we were getting ready to go. By that point the nerves had really set in. I picked up the box of tests and scowled at it. I no longer look at them gleefully. More often than not they are the harbringer of grief. But I had made up my mind and once I start obsessive over test results it’s better to just do it and deal with the consequences.
I sat on the toilet, holding it as it developed. For a second or there was nothing at all, and then there was a faint line – on the left, before the control line was coming in. Another few seconds and both lines were filling in, clear as day. Just like that, my answer. Every second that elapsed gave them starker relief against the white background.
I walked out of the bathroom and said, “Pregnant!” and gave it to Den. I cried a little in giddy little giggles as he hugged me tight. I reached over and picked up Sheepie to include him in the family celebration. There were no words, just happiness. Our drive home was spent singing loudly and sharing grins, my fingers tap-tapping on my blackberry as I messaged my friends.
To compare… this is my test from today, 14dpr:
And this is the test from IVF#2, when I was pregnant with Devin, at 14dpr:
This eases my fears of another ectopic. I just feel very good about this one, I felt it right from Saturday. That’s not to say I’m not scared – I’m plenty scared of all the various things that can go wrong – but I feel good about it, and that’s not something I could have said about the pregnancy-turned-ectopic. I fully expect my beta tomorrow to be over 200, maybe 300; Devin’s was 192 at 14dpr, and this beta will be one day later. My second beta will be on friday, then they’ll schedule my ultrasound will be in two weeks.
Seeing the heartbeat is going to be the big hurdle for me right now. As hopeful and content as I may feel, I’m not really going to believe it until I see that everything’s okay with my own eyes.
Congratulations! I am so, so happy for you! Your hope pendant is beautiful, hang on to your hope.
YESSS!!!! <333
Tears of total joy!! That line is uber dark, and I seriously couldn’t be MORE excited for you guys!
CONGRATS! I was so excited to see that picture of the HPT!
Praying this is finally what you have longed for…..a child to hold in your arms. twins perhaps! I have a girlfriend who did 7, yes 7 IVFS and all BFN – 8th time…BAM Triplets!
YES! You and Den so deserve this! May you enjoy the next nine months…live for the happiness of the moment and not the possible what if’s.
YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YAY! Congratulations!!!!!!!!!!!!
You put tears in MY eyes!!! CONGRATS! Isn’t it funny how our bodies do things so particular to us when pg, not pg etc? Mine behaved almost exactly the same way with both pregnancies (the not viable and this one) except that with the first, I had horrible back cramps the whole time that I never had with this one. Obviously that was a bad sign.
One milestone at a time. :)
Natalie,
What a perfect ending to a beautiful getaway weekend. That was a beautiful story to your wonderful news. It’s just as if it were a fairytale but a real life one…One you both truly deserve! Congrats again
That is a great looking test and nice for where you are dpt. Congratulations!!!
I was reading this and thinking about what we did in Rockport, and if we were there at the same time (no, I don’t think so, we went for Labor Day weekend). Its a nice little place, very Cape but not Cape…and I was thinking all that–and then….
Oh Natalie! I am so happy for you! Thinking of you and hoping for that wonderful ultrasound.
That is the best news! I am so happy for you!
I am a lurker – following along forever. I cannot tell you how happy I am for you – the universe has good things in store for you this time around – I just know it. Looking forward to your updates and following along :-)
Sorry for the blank post, so happy for you that I can’t even post properly!
I’m crying happy tears for you!
The darkness of it is definitely promising. But I love this whole entry – and I love that you had a peaceful getaway, too.
(I also love the magnet.)
I will be holding my breath tomorrow for your beta.
I’m a lurker, reading for awhile… tears in my eyes right now, so SO happy for you. Congrats. I’ll keep up the good thoughts/good karma/prayers, and hope to read more good news soon.
There are no words, only joyful tears. :D :D :D :D
I’ve lurked here forever but almost never posted. Good luck. You certainly deserve the easiest pregancy ever.
I’ll be crossing my fingers.
This is so exciting! Hope you have a wonderful, uneventful pregnancy!
:). Very happy for you!
I’m tearing up with happiness for you. Congratulations! I am so full of hope for you!
Holy crap. My heart is pounding just reading this.
Eep!
Nat, I am just so beyond thrilled for you! There are just no words!!!! This does feel differnt and feels very right for whatever reason. I think from the point where you had a lower number at retrieval (a good sign in my book) and onwards, I just had a strongly positive feeling. I’m just so, so thrilled for you and can’t wait for all of your happy updates as they unfold! CONGRATULATIONS to you and Den!
I have been reading your blogs here and there for about a year now.I stumbled upon it when i was searching for my own answers.I cannot tell you how happy i am for you and your husband.You deserve this.It will be great.And you and your little one will be healthy..Your an inspriration for all to never give up.
Oh Nat, I am SO happy for you!! I will keep sending positive thoughts your way. I know that this is just the first step and it is really hard to not worry.
I also want to say that you amaze me. You continue to have a positive outlook and hope. After everything you have been through, you are very special. I think I was more bitter and I never had to deal with even half the crap you have had to. You are a true inspiration.
YEA!! Congratulations! I am beyond thrilled for you and will be keeping fingers and toes crossed for you for a full, glorious, uneventful 36 more weeks.
Delurking to say, Congratulations!!!! I am so happy for you and Den!!!!
Congratulations, this is so great, I’m really happy for you!!
By the way, this might be a stupid question (I don’t know much about IVF or pregnancies in general) but do you already know whether one or two embryos implanted?
Congratulations! I am so happy for you and I’m wishing you the best. (PS – we’re due date buddies, as I’m also due in May). Best of luck to you and congratulations again!
I’ve said it before but CONGRATULATIONS! We are both so excited and happy for you. I can’t wait to see your tummy grow grow grow! :)
I’m sitting here on the verge of tears I’m so happy for you and Den!!! Yay!!
Congratulations, I think of you a lot. I’m so happy for you and Den.
Cleo
I hate the term lurker, but I guess I am one, so there you have it. Have been reading your blog for over a year now and I am so over the top excited for you and your husband – congratulations!!!
Delurking to say “Congratulations!!”
I’m so happy for you, Natalie! Congratulations!
I love that you grabbed Sheepie to include in your celebration. : )