Idealism and the hole it leaves behind
It is 11:30 at night and I sit here in silence and feel overwhelmed, dejected, alone. I want to be hopeful, but not sure if I should be. Does it help to be jaded? Does it hurt less to expect the worst?
You may think I’m talking about pregnancy, but I’m not.
I lay my head down on my desk and stare at the floor – the deeply pitted floor that so badly needs to be refinished, not sure I realized it was quite that bad – and sigh. I need to disconnect myself. I need to find my selfishness and let the rest go. I do what I can, but I feel everything so damn much. I have wished so many times before for a thicker skin, but I am what I am.
I am an idealist, through and through. I want the best for everyone. I want to believe in everyone. I want to find a middle ground and understand.
I want to see goodness in this world, and sometimes there’s just not enough of it.
I am angry at myself that I let others make me feel this way.
You could have reached into my head and pulled this post straight out of it– only it wasn’t phrased nearly as eloquently.
:hug:
Nat, I don’t know what’s going on, but I just want you to know I’m thinking of you. Sounds like someone(s)? has let you down or otherwise hurt you in a big way. I hope the pain is less today.
I’m so sorry, I hope it’s better now. Having a place to post how I feel helps a lot, I hope it helps you, too. It’s hard not to let yourself feel the way you do, hard not to feel the way someone makes you feel.