I had a lovely massage today! Scheduled of course for within days of transfer.

I think I may just have found what I am looking for. My last massage was very… purposeful. He was well trained and worked every knot. But I felt like I was missing a connection. I circled some problem spots on the diagram on the intake form. He didn’t say much other than “Hi, lay facedown to start.” It just felt very disconnected, and while I know that would work for a lot of people (like my husband), it’s just not enough for me. Today the massage therapist invited me into her treatment room. We exchanged some words about what I want. She even used a reference book to look up my astrological signs (“to help understand where you might be holding your tension”). She just seemed a little more earthy than anyone I’ve been to before, and obviously I am really leaning towards that now.

The real test, of course, was the actual massage. And oh, it was lovely. The right amount of pressure. A heat pack while she worked on my limbs. She found those knots in my shoulderblades. She gave me a delicious head/scalp massage. She spent some time stretching out my lower back (that’s one of my chronic pain issues). She incorporated some hot stones into my shoulder/neck and foot massage.

An hour went really really quickly.

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I am seriously in love with my new recliner. It’s a rocking chair, which I must say I love far more than I thought I would. I pull my knees up under my body and gently rock back and forth as I watch my TV and I just feel so peaceful. Then I can recline it back, laptop on my lap. It’s a lot easier than getting in bed and shuffling the three pillows behind me and still getting a sore neck (plus then I’m stuck in bed).

The microfiber fabric is wicked easy to clean up (already tested thanks to dirty cat paws), but unfortunately it’s not as soft as the microfiber couch downstairs. Easy fix: my Devin Blanket comes with me. I have slept with that blanket covering me every day since I bought it, and now when I get up it moves with me to my chair. Soft, minky fabric with so much meaning to me.

My cat likes my recliner, too – he likes the fact that I am spending time in the living room (since cats have been banned from the bedroom due to allergies and the annoyance factor). Last night Jo very quietly and smoothly crawled onto my lap in front of my laptop, stretched out, and fell asleep purring. It was all I could do to gently put the laptop to the side and just pet him, savoring the moment. A soft, warm purring body is just such a lovely thing.

It’s my own little corner of the house. My desk, my TV, my chair. In my favorite room of the house. Now if I could just get the window trim on this side of the room painted, the ceiling painted, the floors refinished… the maybe it would be halfway there. LOL

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The progesterone is already causing some significant “progesterone symptoms.” My intestines/bowels are completely stopped up… which, combined with puffy, unhappy ovaries, is making me feel a little bit ill. I am also running very warm, waking up sweating. Yuck! Oh, and the boobs are hurting.

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On my birthday I wasn’t feeling well enough to want to go out anywhere, so I asked Den if he could pick up some steaks and maybe some flowers. He ended up cooking me a fantastic filet mignon (cooked rare – last time in 9 months, I am hoping). Which would have been very good by itself. But I walked in from a late day at work to find zucchini and mushrooms being fried up on the stove, and a lovely vase of flowers on the table. He served us both and we sat down to eat. At a table. Together. I know, it’s shocking.

And then tonight we went out to dinner, where we absolutely stuffed ourselves. Unfortunately it wasn’t as good as previous meals at this particular restaurant have been in the past, but it was still a very nice night out. But again… lots of pressure on the poor ovaries. I am sorry, girls. I promise tomorrow I’ll lay around and be nice to you.

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I really don’t feel like I’m in a 2ww. I’m making choices that obviously reflect the more-than-midway-in-an-IVF-cycle mentality, like avoiding rare steak, but I just don’t feel it. Coworkers say, “I have a really good feeling about this one, Nat,” and I just think, yeah, everyone says that every time. It’s more than just being afraid of a negative outcome; it’s expecting a negative outcome. And it just feels easier to live as if that’s what’s coming, rather than making myself sick on daydreams and hopes. Suspended belief. A nothing. Invested, but not. My emotional mind still reels after so much struggles and I’m just giving it some space. Maybe it will catch up, maybe it won’t – either way it won’t change the outcome. I’ll have to deal with it soon enough.