I already feel far better than I did a few days ago. I hate having my plans thrown aside, I hate the feeling of losing what little control I think I have.

But more than that, I think I needed to finally break down and sob for a little while, to grieve my miscarriage. I never really did. I pushed it aside and waited and hoped I wouldn’t need to fully grieve, that I could get pregnant again quickly and start over again. I know that’s probably not the healthiest thing to do, but I guess I got to the point of too much grief… being numb was just easier, more manageable. I didn’t want to have to stop and deal with it unless I had to.

Of course it didn’t help that it has rained all weekend, preventing me from working outside in my garden like I normally do.

Den and I are coming to some sort of resignation and peace about waiting yet again. We had talked about doing some injects during this “trying naturally” cycle (I have a plan in mind for much further down the road, for child #3 when we presumably won’t have IVF coverage), but there are logistical issues (money/insurance) that the nurse pointed out. So that was another frustration. I had assumed it wouldn’t work out… but I asked anyways, just in case. So Den and I sighed and basically said to each other, what’s one more month, really.

One interesting topic that came up was the possibility of overstimming… which is now my great fear with stims cycles. In a way we regret moving forward with IVF#3 (the December cycle) despite massively overstimming. I know I was desperate and couldn’t bear the thought of cancelling, but the result was no pregnancy, nothing frozen, and one less stims cycle that insurance will cover. Den said that if it happens again, that we see by ultrasound that I am way, way overstimming, we should cancel and start over. Let’s hope it never comes to that, now that we’re using menopur for stims.

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This blog is not the only place I am outspoken and open about our IVF and loss journey. Recently we have some temporary fill-ins at work, which at first felt a little weird because it was in the middle of all this shit going on with me and my coworker, and I feel bad for them walking into that. It’s obvious that people have clued them in, but you can see they’re not sure what to say or do. At first I remained kind of cryptic, but then I just didn’t care quite so much and just started talking to my coworker about the delay, my next cycle, our plans…. just like I usually would. After a small outburst of frustration to a coworker I turned to the temporary girl and said with a small laugh, “Yes, we’re doing IVF. As you can see, I don’t have problems talking about it.”

The coolest thing is watching someone open up to me. Most people haven’t dealt with infertility or child loss, and what exposure they have is minimal – they know someone who went through something, but they don’t know details. Most people are roiling with questions underneath the surface… they feel terrible for what their friends or family have gone through, but they have no idea what it all means. So for me to laugh and say, “I’ve had some fertility issues and I don’t mind talking about it,” it opens up the door. I get questions. Not the kind of idiotic comments that we all run into, but honest questions, “How does that work?” and “What does that mean?” I love explaining, passing on some info.

I love knowing that one day infertility will be just another disease, not something to hide. I appreciate it when I mention something my infertility and someone says, “Oh yeah, my [friend/aunt/neighbor] went through that! It was really heartwrenching.” There’s some common ground. There’s a bridge of understanding already being built, and now I don’t need to explain what IVF is. It just makes it a little bit easier. The only way to fight misinformation and ignorance is to educate.

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Right now all I want to work on is preparing materials to give to the newly bereaved. I’m thinking I need to become more involved with my pregnancy loss support group somehow… it would be a good way to focus my energies and help others.