I have this whole rant hiding in my head about businesses and employees and what qualifies for bereavement leave (hint: it does not include stillbirth). I spent all day stewing over it, but right now I just don’t think I have the time or focus to do it justice. I’ll get back to that thought later.

Tomorrow morning brings my second (and last, for this cycle) HPT, and then I go get my blood drawn for the beta. I am feeling extremely negative about it. I had a lot of hopes going into this cycle, though with a lot of hesitation about the hopes. I thought maybe FETs were my lucky break, maybe we’d be on the good side of the odds for once. But getting pregnant twice in a row? I just didn’t know about that. It’s just not what my body does.

And also, this may sound silly, but I have no signs of being pregnant. With Devin’s cycle I had bleeding before I ever tested; with the ectopic I had that day of feeing utterly and completely exhausted and my allergies going crazy. This time I have nothing, absoutely nothing to mark down. No cramping, no fatigue, no stomach upset. The only “thing” I could possibly point to are ovary twinges. Which, by the way, are NOT reassuring AT ALL after an ectopic. Why can’t I have uterus twinges? Is that so difficult?

And then the negative. Yesterday, when I tested, I was 13dpo. I was 13dpo when I got the positive with Devin. I was 14dpo when I got the positive with the ectopic (which had lower numbers because it was ectopic). It took whatever air I had in my sails right on out of there. So I’m just preparing myself to see a negative test in the morning and then get on with planning the next cycle. Fuck.

What I did was cut my hair and dye it darker (because I just feel darker), and what I will do is drive into Boston to visit an IVF friend so we can get totally drunk and weepy together, and then I’m going to go visit Kel. I just need to get the hell out of here for a little while.