Last night I slept on my right side.

I have no tube on my right side, but I do on my left. I mean, I know it is probably silly. Most people don’t get ectopics, no matter which way they sleep.

It just felt better, safer to lay on that side, knowing that the embryo had no hole to fall into.

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Yesterday after transfer Den happened to glance at me as we were walking and said, “You’re waddling.” I looked at him with shifty eyes. Was I? Oh. Yeah. I was. It wasn’t even a concious decision. I was just walking as gingerly as possible, so as not to jostle anything.

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I had intended to go back into work for a little bit yesterday evening. Monday I told my coworker that I am so over the “being careful” and bedrest shit. I shrugged. I just didn’t care.

And then after transfer I layed in bed with my laptop and sent a quick email to her asking if I could come in tomorrow instead… I was just going to take a nap and lay in bed. Just in case.

Also, I was falling asleep. I do not recall that from previous transfers, but yesterday I felt like a ton of bricks had hit me. The valium I take before transfer usually makes me loopy and a little sleepy, but yesterday I never got to the loopy stage. I was a little affected, maybe, sorta. Immediately after transfer, while laying in the hospital bed for my 30 minute horizontal time, I closed my eyes and just kind of meditated, Sheepie held in my arms. I thought about how lucky I am that we had an embryo, a live, growing embryo, and that it was safe inside me. But annoyingly I never felt the valium really kick in.

I got home, ate, took care of some business around the house, and then finally crawled into bed with my laptop to rest. And that’s when it hit me. I was trying to post and send a couple of emails, but it was hard to keep my eyes open. Finally I pushed my laptop to the side and feel deeply asleep.

Now I don’t know if the exhaustion was a delayed reaction of the valium, or if it was simply a result of all that pent-up anxiety leaving me in a rush, but either way I was exhausted. It felt blissful to fall asleep for a nap.

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Today I was back to my regular routine of work and life this way and that. I feel no different. I keep forgetting that I’m “with embryo.” When I do remember I kind of wish I hadn’t… it’s much easier to go about my day without the thought floating above my head. I wish I could just forget for a week… just wake up one morning and say, “I think I’ll test now.”

I don’t want to think about babies. I don’t want to think about pregnancy. Thinking about it means letting the hope in, and with it the acceptance of more disappointment. After all these cycles I still haven’t figured out what’s easiest. In the end I don’t think there is an easiest, just good news and bad news. In the meantime I just try to get through each day with enough distraction that hopefully I can let it go for a little while.