Relaxing Doesn't Make Babies

So Sad

May 6, 2006 — 2:39 am

When I told Den he came in and gave me a big hug and we just sat there for a while. He said he’s going to make an appointment with his doctor to get a Sperm Analysis done. I pointed out that we don’t know if our insurance will cover it, he just said, “It’s important.” He thinks that’s our problem. In a way I’m kind of afraid that the numbers will come back good, because then it means something might be wrong with me. I know it’s foolish, but sometimes I think that it’s because of my depression – that my body doesn’t think I should get pregnant and be a mother.

I was thinking about how we were going to start TTC this month. I never thought when we started in November that I wouldn’t be pregnant already. We started early and are no further ahead than if we hadn’t – except maybe that I have a good idea of what my body’s doing now. I can pinpoint my ovulation based on several signals now: my temp jump, obviously; my cervical fluid is fertile beforehand; my breasts start hurting; and my sleeping patterns get screwed up. And that’s all without any ovulation predictors, which don’t seem to be working for me at all.

I’m just so upset. I’m trying not to cry when AF comes, but every month it gets harder not to. I see other people getting pregnant, I see really cute baby things… and I just want it for myself. I want it to be my turn to start a baby registry and have a growing tummy. I want our little bean.

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