The Adoption Question
Today I am going to take the time to respond a little bit to a question I was asked: have we considered adoption? It’s not a bad question, especially since I really haven’t talked about our options or how or why we arrived at our decision. The short answer is that yes, we have discussed many times our different family-building options. My best friend was adopted at birth and she has brought the topic up with me several times – she has a special knack for asking questions without ever sounding judgemental, a trait I greatly appreciate. ;) Here in my blog I may have touched on it a few times in the past, but I don’t mention it very often because we are very sure we are doing what’s right for us so it’s not something I needed to work through – which is typically what my writing is used for.
First of all I want to say that I absolutely recognize adoption, surrogacy, donor eggs/sperm/gametes, to be completely valid, wonderful options. I know people who know without a doubt that IVF or other fertility treatments is not for them and that they will be pursuing adoption. I know people who are in the process of adopting, who have completed an adoption. I am completely supportive of them and I just really wish for the best for them – that they will be able to bring home a child. So please know that it is simply what Den and I feel about our own situation, preferences and desires. It is such a personal struggle, and what is right for one person is certainly not right for everyone.
This post is not an opening for debate – I am not looking for explanations or arguments or help in deciding anything. I am simply explaining how we got to where we are.
First of all, adoption is expensive. I have heard from those going through it that it can add up to $50,000 by the time they are through with all the fees. International adoption can be cheaper in one way, but then you have to add in all the travel expenses. We are extremely lucky to be living in Massachusetts, where IVF and other fertility treatments is covered by many insurance companies, including my current one. We are paying very, very little for my medications and procedures, something I am extremely grateful for.
Adoption is also a very long process. You have to find an agency, get a homestudy, create a profile and portfolio type album, and then the very long wait to be matched. For domestic adoptions there appears to be a lot more couples wanting to adopt than there are babies up for adoption. It’s heartbreaking to see my friends submit their info and not be selected yet again.
The screening would also concern me. I know we will be fantastic parents, but I really worry about being judged. Obviously I know why they do it. But it’s hard to see someone viewing your life through a bunch of forms and questionaires and home visits and trying to decide if you are good enough or not. And, umm, we have a big German Shepherd who has issues. I really honestly believe that no agency would approve us without us getting rid of the dog. And, well, he’s family too.
And then you have the human factor. The chance that a placement will fall through, that the biological parents will change their mind last minute, or even after the initial agreement, before it is finalized. There is foster-adopt programs, but the goal of those programs is to reunite a child with their bilogical parent(s) and is even less of a sure thing. Beyond that, there is the issue of how to handle the topic of the adoption and biological parents. Will you keep in contact? Will your child have contact? At what age? No matter how it is handled – and I have seen many different approaches – there will always be someone else out there that your child is connected to.
Now would all of that stop me if I really wanted to? Absolutely not. I know it sounds like a litany of all things evil about adoption, and I certainly don’t think it is all bad! They are just some of the factors that played into our decision. But for us it goes beyond logical pros and cons. There is something within us that says this is what is right for us.
For my husband the biological connection is paramount. To him that is the most important thing, and he said if it did come down to a choice of not getting a child or giving up that link, he’d probably resign himself to live child-free… it would be the end of his journey. That’s not necessarily what I would choose, but I respect his needs.
For me I think it is more the pregnancy. I love being pregnant. There is something so special about that bonding period. When I was pregnant with Devin I dreamed that I woke up with a several month old Devin and I was absolutely panicked, because I missed something beyond important to me… I missed out on months, on milestones. For me I would be more willing to use donor eggs, to give up that biological connection, in order to carry the pregnancy myself.
And the thing is, we know I can get pregnant. We know I can carry a pregnancy. After Devin I think I have become even more absolute and determined…. because we had it right there. We were so close. And there is absolutely no good reason for us to have lost him. And now we’ve even figure out how to get better eggs out of me, giving us an even better chance at success. There is no reason we couldn’t have it again, and have it work out with a live baby… no risk factors, no medical concerns. So for us I think it just reinforced our belief that we are on the right path, we just have to be a little more patient, work a little harder.
For me IVF doesn’t really seem so difficult. Oh I bitch here and there about the inconveniences, because they are inconvenient, but in the grand scheme of things it’s just not such a big deal to me. I see a lot of women having a rough adjustment when they get diagnosed with infertility, or when they reach the point of moving to IVF. I never really struggled with that. I was just like, “Okay, great. Let’s get this started.” People ask if the retrieval is painful, I shrug and say, “Not really. They put me out for it, then I wake up.” I guess the whole process just hasn’t seemed like that big of a deal to me. I throw myself into it, because it’s a Big Deal and a Project, but I just don’t mind it. This is what I do to get babies.
Now if there were risk factors, if there was something recurring that made my doctors recommend we re-think our path, we probably would. Would I personally be against adoption if that became a better option for us, if carrying a baby became too risky? Absolutely not. I have no idea how I would feel if it came to that. I know that I would have to grieve first, though. I know it would not be an easy decision to come to.
So have we talked about adoption? Using a surrogate (because of the stillbirth)? Using donor eggs (because of the egg maturity issue)? Absolutely. We are just completely certain that, for the time being, we are on the right path for us.
Thank you, hon. I’ve gotten a better idea myself of where you guys are at. Of course, I didn’t understand Den’s stuff the first time and still don’t…but that’s the adopted kid in me that will never understand the need for a biological tie. I know that stuff is a lot more important to, well, most people than it is to me.
…the cost of adoption makes me sick. >:( I was thinking it was more like $10k-$20k, which is still absolutely ridiculous, but nowhere near reality.
My brother and sister-in-law are working on a foster-to-adopt. They’ve been trying for a baby for nearly 6 years now, but can’t afford treatments.
I totally get your position though. As much as I hate being pregnant, I love knowing that I MADE my babies. That they are intrinsically part of me. I might eventually want to adopt, I’ve thought about it a lot since I was very young actually. But it will be after I’m done with the whole pregnancy thing.
I think you’re amazing. WHEN you finally get a baby, I think everything about him/her will be so much more appreciated, simply because you went through so much to get there.
(hugs)
That was a wonderful explanation of your opinion. I am a firm believer that you should never have to feel bad about or feel you have to justify doing what is best for you and your family. Its clear you truly believe in your position.
I hate feeling like we have to justify our choices to others. Within the ALI community, I don’t mind as much, as I sense that people who are struggling with their own personal decisions are interested in how others made similar choices. But people who are just being nosy or looking to prozlytize (sp?) for their own preferred path rile me up.
That said ; ) — you have explained yourself very well! Thank you for your insights.
Like the pp, I too hate that there is some underlying necessity (necessity is too strong a word but I can’t think of a better one) to justify our fertility choices to others. Esp. in the IF community- it seems so wrong to me when other IFers are like “why don’t you adopt”, etc. And it also carries its own special -and in some ways worse -pain and frustration when non-IFers say the same thing. I do think again like the pp said, IFers in particular are just trying to prostalatize for their preferred path, and I also agree that sometimes it is just curiousity to help guide their own personal decisions. So I’m glad you shared your thought process – it was very interesting, very relatable to me, and also hopefully helped either silence the annoying questions and/or help some who are still considering their choices…
FWIW, I think my DH and I are pretty similar to you and Den. We both actually have felt from the beginning that the biological connection is VERY important. Our journey took us through 8 miscarriages (one in the 2nd tri) and even though the docs didn’t rule out my ability to carry myself, everyone felt that a surrogate would be a clearer path to our ultimate goal. It took me a LONG time (and 2 extra miscarriages from when we started talking about it) to finally feel that I wanted a baby more than a pregnancy, and we went for gestational surrogacy, which ended up pretty perfectly. But if I could have carried on my own with high likelihood of not losing the baby again (versus the exact opposite situation which is what I faced), I would have.
Anyway, good post! Your posts are always very engaging!
Nat, you should write a book. I would absolutely buy a book written by you. You have a direct, clear, honest, and enjoyable writing style. Plus your journey has been so incredible, and you’ve met everything with such grace. I suppose I should just be grateful that I get to read what you write for free :) but I would totally buy your book.
I cringed when I saw that comment a few days ago. I totally get where you are coming from. DH and I had similar discussions during the throes of IF. (((HUGS)))
When we got married we discussed adoption (as a what if we can’t have kids type of conversation) and my dh felt like Den and basically told me if we can’t have our own children he’d rather move forward with just the two of us. I was crushed because for me I wanted to be a mom and felt he may have been limiting us in the event we had fertility issues. After losing our first son, he reiterated he’d rather it just be us than adopt. It was hard for me to accept considering after such a loss I didn’t know if we’d be able to have a living child (this was our second loss by that time).
Now that I have my two children I’d love to adopt however like you I wouldn’t want to be judged or scrutinized by home study individuals. Its not something I would want to endure nor would I want anyone making suggestions on how my home or parenting style could be better, different, etc or putting my family (especially my kids) under a microscope. Adoption is a personal choice, and I see no reason why anyone would want to debate another couple’s personal choice to what road they travel on to have a child/ren.
I really enjoy reading your blog and thank you for your points of view and your honesty.
My husband and I started down the path to adoption after determining for our own personal reasons that we didn’t want to endure the trials and tribulations of IVF after 3 years TTC. Amazingly enough, I did end up getting pregnant before we had the homestudy completed. The only comment I wanted to add here is it is too bad that more benefit plans don’t offer adoption benefits. Between my company and my husband’s, we would have had $14,000 in adoption benefits had we actually gone all the way down that road. In many ways it would probably be a smart move for companies to financially help with adoptions, since there are many babies born via IVF that have a high cost of post-natal care (primarily multiples, I believe). Another side note related to adoptions is that it made me sad when we found out that if you want a Caucasian infant versus a part Hispanic or African American infant, the cost (and time frame) was dramatically different. How awful that before the kid is even born, someone has assigned his or her worth.
I think your blog is great and I have my fingers crossed for you with this next FET.
Thanks for offering that insight, Terry. I definitely think it would be WONDERFUL for more insurance plans to offer adoption benefits. I feel like cost shouldn’t be such a huge factor in making these types of decisions, but when the costs are *so* high, how can it not be?
You are amazing.