It’s about people
I came home today and found some kind of plant in the middle of my dining table. I asked Den what it was and he directed me to a card beside it, explaining: it was a bonsai plant for me, from my bosses and coworkers at the bank. I’ve never had a bonsai plant before, it looks really quite interesting… I’m rather excited to have this plant.
And for whatever reason this plant really hit me. Maybe because of the flowers we received when Devin died, but something about that ritual, the giving of a living plant in memory of a loss, struck me. I look the same. Most people didn’t know I was pregnant, and don’t know that I’ve had a loss. I wasn’t pregnant for very long, just 2 short weeks, and half of that was while I was on vacation. It doesn’t quite feel real. But here on my dining table is this plant, this corporeal recognition of our loss. A reminder that even if most of the world doesn’t see it, there are people that do.
I wasn’t sure if telling the people at work was a good thing to do or not. With my situation with IVF it was hard not to, but it was a choice I made. But this… this reminds me of why I chose to tell, to be open. Of course I hoped that it would have a good ending and that I would have nothing but cause for celebration… but I knew there was a pretty high possiblity that it wouldn’t work out like that. But time and again I am reminded of the decency of people, and their ability to be sensitive, understanding, and supportive.
::
People aren’t always sensitive, understanding and supportive. In fact, some people are far, far from it. I have seen things in the last year – really the last 3 years – that really make me doubt simple human decency. It just makes me angry, the treatment that some people receive.
The thing is, this society is changing. It used to be simple fact that you did not talk about your loss, whether it be a pregnancy loss or the continued loss of infertility… and unfortunately there are still people who believe that those of us who do are “dwelling” and refusing to move on. That those of us who blog openly about our struggles are selfish and looking for attention. They don’t want to hear about it. They don’t want to know about it. And they don’t think anyone should.
Well I call bullshit. You know what this is? It’s called life. It isn’t always beautiful and happy endings, and I refuse to pretend that it is. You look back through my archives, and you’ll see it all: anger, fear, joy, hope. My goal in life is to live it. All of it. Where I am right now is the day that I am living.
I started this blog for myself, because writing helps me, and I wanted to have a written record. But it is public because I like human connections. I love forming relationships with people, through our words, through our shared experiences. It makes life richer. It even makes it a little easier to get through. I love blogging for the simple fact that it is optional. I put my words out here for the possibility that people will find them interesting, or helpful in some way. Those that don’t can just move on. I am not monopolising a room full of people, I am not forcing someone to sit and listen. I whisper my words and those who wish to can come and hear them, leave them, take it with them as they choose.
For the most part I love the way blogging is changing society… or maybe it’s the way blogging is reflecting the way society is changing. It is certainly not the only path to connecting with others… but it’s a new one, and a powerful one. It can be about the stupid, inane, trivial daily things, sure. But it’s about people. It’s about stories. It’s about seeing more than you see day to day, the “How are you”s that don’t wait for a response. It’s about hearts and souls. It’s about learning that everyone has struggles and that no one is perfect. It’s about understanding. How can we possibly ever hope to truly help one another if we don’t understand one another?
It is not about me by myself. It is about all of us offering up a little piece of ourselves to the world.
Amen.
I’m glad for the Bonsai. Perhaps more than that, I’m glad for co-workers who care and want you to know it.
Beautifully put Natalie. Life isn’t all sunshine and roses and our losses prove that. And your struggles with IVF further illustrates the point.
I love Bonsai plants, and I think this was a perfect gift for your friends to give you. I think they are more than coworkers for the support they have given you – they are friends. Have fun nuturing it as you move towards nurturing another baby. I look forward to that moment for you. There will be so many people here to support you.
I totally agree with you! Well written!
“But it’s about people. It’s about stories. It’s about seeing more than you see day to day, the “How are you”s that don’t wait for a response.”
Exactly. Thank you for that.
There’s nothing to say, but exactly! And thank you! Thank you for this blog, and for being open and honest all the time!
Definitely amen. And I want to thank you for taking the time and effort to write this blog, because your strength and stubbornness is such an inspiration. Although I’d never wish a stillbirth on anyone, much less a stillbirth plus INFERTILITY, it really helps me to see someone else experiencing the same brutal nightmare and still refusing to give up. You are a force! (Not to put pressure on you, or to say that you’d be any less admirable if you decided to stop trying – I hope my point comes across right.)
A beautifully written post – gracious and wise. Thanks for allowing us to come with you on the journey.
Your words echo what a lot of personal bloggers have said about blogging. Any blog that manages to retain a readership is usually about communication, forming connections, finding common ground, and — as you eloquently put it — “offering up a little piece of ourselves to the world.” That’s wonderful.
Who’s being a snot? I’ll pummel them, I will. *glowers*
And you’re right – life is the ups and the downs, and you’re wonderful for sharing it all with those who care, for feeling empowered enough to do it.
*hugs*
You are absolutely right. You are amazing and your sharing is wonderful; I appreciate it.
Snot? Simply because not everyone has the same opinion that you do? Simply because the world doesn’t need near constant updates on your “stomach upset”? etc. etc. etc.
The drivel is killing what might be a genuinely good blog. But we will never know will we? No.
To quote my new favorite blog, “Criticism is a valid form of expression. Do we say the same thing about movies or music or art? “If you don’t like it, just don’t view it — don’t state your opinion.” Of course not. Look, if you are publishing a public blog, you are tacitly seeking the attention of readers. Said readers will have opinions about what they see. And said readers may very well decide to publish said opinions, much as TV Guide publishes its opinions about the media presented on television. If you do not want public attention, make your blog viewable to friends and family only. It’s quite easy to do. If you still want your blog to be public but don’t want to know about possible negative attention, get rid of the sitemeter and don’t check your technorati. You can blog in a bubble and go on your merry way. ”
More substance and less minutiae would serve you well.
TS – Thanks for being polite. I honestly have no problem with opposing opinions. I know there are a lot of people out there who really don’t care about the minutiae, and that’s perfectly valid. I know that being public and having readers will of course invite dissenting opinions and discussion. I’m cool with that. I only take issue when those opinions are expressed with disrespect or cruelty. I have seen in many places that even heated discussions can be held while still respecting one another.
With art, as in the example cited – expressing an opinion about the art, absolutely. But I still don’t understand anyone who feels the need to continually return to view the art they dislike… that doesn’t make any sense. Art – and, yes, writing is a form of art – is so personal. Some people like something, others hate it. I happen to only buy art that I like. If I see something I don’t like, I might make a comment to someone that I don’t like it, and then keep walking.
And, “what might be a genuinely good blog”? Why thank you. It probably never will be – I tend to err on the side of what I want to write rather than what I think people want to read – but it’s nice to hear even people who disagree with me think that it has the potential to be one.
What a beautiful post. You’ve put the exact reason why I started a blog into words that I could not express.
Thank You.
Mr. Shelby
well said! I couldn’t agree with you more!
Came over from LFCA. I’m so sorry to hear about your loss, but touched by the response of your co-workers. It’s nice to know that there are people who “get it,” as so many posts in the blogosphere involve interactions with those who don’t.
I was just the other day thinking how glad I am to live the era of blogging. I think it’s huge, that people can post about how they really feel and what things are really like as they experience them … and agree, obviously, that those of us who read need to and can be selective about what we follow.
Simply Beautiful.
You are such an amazingly wonderful writer and person, I’m sorry that there are those who are attacking you for their own sport. Shows how small they can be.
I am so sorry for your loss lady :( As for everything else, people are usually not interested in something (or see not importance in something) that has not yet knocked on their door …..kwim?
I wish you the best in your continued struggle.
“More substance and less minutiae would serve you well”
TS, this makes NO sense. This isn’t a professional blog like Dooce.com, where she’s making money off of it and needs to attract or keep readers. She has her audience, why on earth would you think that your suggestion would serve her well? Friends and family may WANT to see the minutiae. That’s what makes people real.
I don’t know Natalie, i came across her blog by accident so I really am looking at these comments with an unbiased view. But I started reading because of the minutiae. Not everyone wants to read blogs “full of substance”. Sometimes we just want the real person.
Natalie, you are such a beautiful person. You write such a touching blog. I feel for what you’re going through in having a baby and it’s especially heart-wrenching because it’s what I’m going through too. I feel comforted that there is someone else going through what I’m going through and who can put their feelings into words so beautifully. I’m often nodding my head in just about everything you say about your difficult and challenging journey. You’re so strong and you prove to be a great example of what we go through to try to create life with our husband, someone we can love & nurture forever. It’s the most beautiful thing in the world and we have so much love to give.
There’s nothing wrong with adoption, but for us, adopting would be an avenue taken only if we were absolutely UNABLE to get pregnant and give birth to a healthy baby. And even then we’re not sure. But in any case we’re not even there, there’s still plenty of possibility and time to get pregnant, and that’s the same for you. Just keep on keeping on. Some day we’ll get there.
Thank you for your blog, and best wishes to you.