Today on one of my forums the question was asked of the group what cycle day we were on. And I said, ummmmm… the first half… somewhere. Maybe day 10? I had no clue. And I really didn’t want to look it up either. I kind of like not knowing. I know what I have to do tomorrow and the day after that… and, yes, I know what day transfer will be on (assuming all goes as planned – not exactly putting all my cards down yet)… but past that? Eh. I take it week by week.

So it was a bit of a shock when I looked at my calendar and realized my transfer is NEXT WEEK. Yes. Seriously. WTF. And then I started getting twitchy and I’m trying hard to return to not thinking about it. Because, really, there’s no point in thinking about it. And besides, I have so much to do before my [very very needed] vacation (which starts three days after transfer).

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I’m not sure I can even describe what kind of mental space I’m in. I’m bitter and hurting, I can tell you that. Not crying kind of hurting, just moody, grouchy. Just ask Den, he can tell you.

I crave contact with people, but at the same time I’m intentionally isolating myself. It appears to be one of those online baby booms, and I really really thought I’d be a part of this one, this time. So every time I log on to my various forums it’s with some measure of trepidation. It’s not that I’m angry at those who are pregnant – far from it. But every time I read some kind of congratulations or pregancy or birth anything I get all hung up on how that’s supposed to be ME right now, goddamnit. I’m angry at the unfairness of it all.

I know this is just temporary. I know it’ll get better once I regain my composure, regain my hope. It’s not like I’ve given up or anything. I’m just in a pissy mood, that’s all. I even tried reconnecting with an old hobby, and that pissed me off too.

I think right now I just can’t win. So I focus on my daily to-do list (that has NOTHING to do with babies) and my work and keep trudging forward with my head down. I figure I can just walk into my transfer like a pole I didn’t see coming… it could hurt just the same, but at least I won’t see it coming, and so won’t have time to panic.