This waiting is going to give me an ulcer, I swear. These are by far the worst days of the cycle. Granted I was pretty terrified before the maturity/fertilization report, but I was also in surgery so it made it easier to not think about it. Right now I have nothing to do but think, and it’s driving me crazy.

I woke up way too early this morning and decided to just take a pregnancy test, just so I could go back to sleep – I knew I wouldn’t be able to if I was just waiting. It was negative, of course. Expected, and yet it sparked so much fear in me. I stood there staring at it, wondering how on earth I could possibly expect anything different, ever. Even when I had it once – that feels like a fairy-tale now. This is the reality, this blank stick, heart pounding, sending silent wishes out into the universe that this cycle could pull this off for me. Not today. Maybe not tomorrow. I don’t know when.

So I spent the rest of the day just struggling with the fear and anxiety. There were many times when I randomly felt like bursting into tears, just out of fear that this isn’t going to work. I can’t even describe to you the feeling. Most of you know it. It’s so unlike grief. Grief is something already set in stone – something bad has happened, and now you have to come to terms with it. It is hard, too, but hard in a different way. Fear is the unknown. Fear exists because it is not yet grief, and it might not be grief – but you don’t know. There are two different outcomes, and you’re sitting in the crossroads, not sure of where you’re going to end up.

This morning I felt a tiny bit of cramps from my uterus, a lot more cramping and aching from my ovaries. My lower back is a little achy, too, which I was warned might happen because one ovary is tucked a little behind. But tonight there is a tightness I do not remember… a fullness, a weight. It could be my imagination. It probably is. It’s probably just more bloating and pressing against my ovaries. But maybe it’s not.

I am tired. I am sure I will find myself in the same predicament tomorrow morning: wide awake at 5am, heart pounding, mind being drawn to the pregnancy tests in the bathroom. I will test again, and wait, and shiver with the anxiety.

Only a few more days of this… then we can move either to the joy or the grief.

I am terrified.