I think it could pretty much go without saying that I’m a bit of an airhead this week. I even drive home and then realize I don’t remember the last three lights. I just cannot focus on anything.

I am trying so hard to just let everything else go while I’m at work and focus on what I’m doing, but apparently I am failing. And I am getting very exaspirated. I absolutely hate doing things wrong, especially repeatedly. And I just don’t even know what to do about it at this point, other than apologise profusely.

So this afternoon I came home and had a good cry – half over the constant screw-ups, half because I am just emotional as hell. I felt slightly better when that was done with, but I’m still just… frustrated.

I hope next week is a little better in terms of not screwing things up, but I highly doubt my concentration level is going to be any better. I’ll be taking pregancy tests, my beta is on Thursday, and Devin’s birthday is on friday. If there’s ever a week to count on me being out of touch, this would be it.

::

I have felt such real joy over the past week, it’s absolutely amazing to know that it’s really possible to feel joy like that – excitement, instead of hurt.

The other day one of my coworkers brought in a newly purchased little baby outfit. My first reaction, as it has been for the past year, was a pang of sorrow. As has become my defense I just kept my head down and my mouth shut as the others all cooed over it. But then I heard the coworker say, “And if [intended recepient] doesn’t have a girl, maybe Natalie will!” Suddenly warmth flooded into me. Maybe I will. Maybe baby things won’t just be about Devin and what was… they could be about the future, too.

After that it didn’t hurt to look at the little baby clothes.

::

In a way I think I’m a little glad that my last two cycles have coincided with big dates in terms of the loss: last cycle and the first Christmas, this cycle and Devin’s birthday. I think, were those four dates completely separate, I would spend a lot more time obsessing. But this kind of gives me something to distract myself when I need it. The last few weeks I’ve been so wrapped up in the IVF cycle I wasn’t really thinking much about how Devin’s birthday is coming up – and now that there’s nothing to be done for the cycle I can plan his birthday. That limits me to one short week of building anxiety, rather than a month. This is a good thing.

We are having a small dinner on his birthday… just a couple of family members. I bought a tablecloth (since we had no plain ones) and some little things to make a centerpiece out of. Now we need to figure out what to make. I’ll have some candles lit, his train set out, and I’d like to get some white carnations. (Roses are typical, I know – but I like carnations.) Some words spoken over dinner thanking our guests for coming and remembering with us. That’s all.

The results of my beta will certainly set the tone for the evening. It is just so hard to plan anything at all right now.

::

Den and I feel really good about this cycle… so good it makes us nervous. In many ways it feels like if we really believe this worked then we will be hurt, that we will not get what we want. We feel like we have to protect our hearts, be cautious, remove all expectations.

But it is so hard when this cycle has gone so well. Devin couldn’t have been just a fluke. And this cycle is so so much more promising than that one ever was. How could this not work?

There is expectation and hope… and much, much fear. As much as I kept saying now it won’t matter because we have frozen embryos, of course it matters. It will shatter us all over again if this one, too, comes up empty – especially after all the positive build-up of the past week and a half. This has been nearly the perfect cycle – and if even this doesn’t work, what more do we have left to hope for?