The image around every corner
An unexpected moment brings it all flooding back. Just a glimpse, a photo, a sudden reminder of what others have so easily. My heart breaks all over again. The wall crumbles, the tears fall.
The pregnant woman. Everything I want so desperately, everything I work so hard for. She is beautiful, so achingly beautiful… but all I can see is a hazy grey as my soul recoils in anger and hurt. It is sudden and takes the wind right out of me.
I cry at the anger. I grieve the joy I once felt as such pictures. I grieve the me who celebrated with them, awaiting my own life inside. The anger disgusts me, and yet it is so, so deep. So much jealousy and envy, so much anger at the mere thought that someone else may not appreciate what they have half as much as I would.
If this cycle fails… I just don’t know what I will do. I hurt so much.
God, I know exactly what you mean. Been through it a million times. Not the treatments you’re talking about, but the seeing others pregnant, and wishing I could be, wondering if my time will come, and marveling in disgust at how I ended up on the other side of the coin, the non-baby-making side.
I’ve only been doing it six months since my full term loss of my first. It already feels like forever yet here you are, and you’ve been doing it so much longer. I don’t know you, but from here I think you’re doing such an admirable job. Let yourself feel how you need to feel. I really do hope this cycle is the one. Really, truly.
I’m holding you in my heart. Hugs. Praying for a BFP.
I hope, for all the world, that you don’t have to find out what you will do. *hugs*
i’m thinking of you. hugs to your heart.
(((HUGS)))