Quick vent first, before I get to my entry.

I stopped by the jewelery store today to look at their aquamarine rings; one of the things I am doing for Devin’s birthday is finally getting myself a birthstone ring. I am not sure exactly what I am looking for, but I know I want it to be small, elegant and simple. I am not impressed with their selection. I went online and am not impressed with anyones selection. It appears I have two choices: a mother’s ring, which most of them require two or more stones (I have only one child!), or an aquamarine ring, most of which are huge and gaudy. I mean, seriously? I am sure there are people out there who like that sort of thing… I am decidedly not one of them. I just want a simple stone in a simple setting. Why is that so freakin difficult?!

I don’t have an engagement ring. I do not, in fact, actually own any diamonds. My wedding band is just that – a simple wedding band. I’ve always had in mind buying something sparkley later on, but when faced with the decision of a ring or a camera I chose the camera. (I also have some moral objections to diamonds, which makes me hesitate even more.) But of course I looked. I like the small dainty ones, this is what I want. Just perfect.

The woman mentioned how they have a payment plan. Whenever I’m in a jewelery store I always get the feeling like they just assume I’m looking at the small rings because that’s all I can afford. I just laugh to myself. Maybe I’m the odd one.

::

One of the odd/interesting things about Facebook is that you re-connect with people from your past who you probably never would have otherwise. It seems that my friends from highschool have all remained very close friends… spending time together, going out together. It’s an odd kind of feeling, reading their updates to each other. What was it about me that I couldn’t stay connected? Even while I was there. But then I realize I was never really all that connected, even in high school. I was always apart from the rest. I just don’t think I ever really belonged. And I don’t think I should feel sad for that. Life took me in other directions.

It’s easy to fall into a mopey kind of state about things like that. My SIL has very close friends from highschool as well, as does my closest co-worker.

But then I log online and realize I am not alone. I may not have many people here, but just look at how much friendship I have cultivated in my life. Sometimes I just need to remind myself I have friends, too.

::

This has not been an easy week for me at work. For one reason or another there has been an upsurge in baby talk. Now I can handle it for some time. Sometimes I even participate. But I do still have a threshold for it – and I think right now I’m a little more emotional than I usually am. There are times when the buzzing in my head hurts, because the voices in my head are saying everything I can’t say outloud… the “it doesn’t always work out,” and “I had a baby, too!”

And yet I stand by my decision not to say anything to them. I just take a breather when I need to. I just don’t want the awkwardness around me… I don’t want people wondering what they can and can’t say, I don’t want whispering and silenced conversations when I walk near. That would drive me even crazier. They know my story, and I try to talk about Devin. For me it is a relief to be able to talk about him in random conversations and not have people stop or stutter. I am VERY appreciative of that. But I know that I set the tone. I speak about him with calmness, joy. A little wistful. That’s how I want him to be remembered. That’s how I want him to be talked about.

But sometimes it is just really hard, especially right now in the middle of infertility treatments. Pregnancy announcements, even if they come from complete strangers, still kick me in the ass. I always feel this flush of warmth heat my face, the anger and frustration coming to the surface for that moment. Why not me?? Always the same question, never an answer.

Dealing with the public you really get a good look at all the people who have babies and little kids. Maybe some of them had trouble conceiving… but you know that for the most part they were all blissfully unaware of what could go wrong. So many families. That’s all I want. I just wanted to be like them. I just want to walk into a bank with my little children in tow. It looks so simple. For them it probably is.

But we are not them. And we never will be.

::

My SIL was a little surprized when I told her retrieval was going to be next week. “It goes so fast!” she said. And it does. Once the cycle picks up with stims it doesn’t take long. But I’m still impatient.

I’m feeling some twinges in my ovaries, which is a good sign. Hopefully this time I won’t be feeling much more than twinges by the end, unlike last time. Tomorrow morning is my ultrasound. Again, impatient. I just want to know what’s going on in there. I just want to double-check that it’s still on track. Getting some idea of when retrieval will be would be nice, too.