Wait in Peace
So the omnipresent question is… did you test? When are you testing? And my answer is… no. And I don’t know.
Originally I was going to do my typical testing every two days up until the beta. Given the issues with timing and everything I planened to take a test – knowing it wouldn’t be conclusive – today, Tuesday, and then test again on Thursday, Christmas day. For a while I leaned towards wanting the Christmas morning surprize test. With the news of the lost frosty I decided to guard my heart and test on Tuesday, preparing myself for the worst.
But I woke up today for work and only thought about testing for the briefest of moments. The thought was more an acknowledgement, Oh yeah, I was going to take a test today, but then I shrugged and the thought was gone. After learning of a work delay I went back to sleep without a problem. No wondering what the test would show, no itching to find out as soon as possible.
This is the first time in any of my cycles that I have ever felt this calm coming up to the end of the two week wait. I feel… resigned. I have absolutely no idea what the answer will be – it could go either way and I have no inclination to take a guess. I just feel like it’s going to be what it’s going to be, and either way it opens up a bunch of issues. In a way I feel safe right now, sitting in limbo. I know that I don’t know – I have a chance, but not a guarantee – and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.
So Thursday, after Christmas dinner and family visits, I will take a test that will tell me if I am waiting for the next stims or the next ultrasound. Both kind of scare me. But at least the answer on Thursday will be pretty reliable. Whatever I am given that night is what I will have to come to terms with.
I am scared. I am sorrowful. I am hopeful.
I ask not for a positive, since that is beyond my control. I ask only that I have the serenity to accept the result.
i only have to wish you the best. I hope it all goes well…I hope for a positive for you but if not /i do hope for that for you one day. When you are ready you will test…until then we all keep hoping!
i’m right there with you, due to take a test tomorrow morning. wishing you all the very best.
Good luck! I pray that things are positive *hugs*
*hugs*
here’s to positivity!
keeping my fingers crossed for you :)
I wish you the best. *hugs*
Those last two lines were beautiful,really.
I rarely comment but I have followed your story since Devin died. I think of you every day , I hope that Thursday brings good news, but from reading your words over the last months I know that you will take whatever comes.
Thinking of you, as always, Natalie.
xxx
thinking of you today and always…
everything is crossed and then crossed again.
Waiting with you.
ok nat. i purposely did not ask about testing because i understand the pressure. i understand the ambiguity of testing early, too early. man, oh man, i get it. i like the peace you feel inside…spread some this way. i am a mess. you’d think that by now i would be used to it. no.
so ((hugs)) and here is to us both getting our BFP’s.
My god…I will say a prayer to Santa tonight..I really hope it works out for you – you really deserve it!
Happy Holiday!
What you said..waiting to see if your next wait was an ultrasound or stims..that was a perfect way to put it. It calmed my nerves. Boy, your strength amazes me!
I mostly lurk, but I just wanted to say I wish you the best of luck with testing tomorrow.
I have my fingers crossed for you!
I am hoping that by next year, you will have a wiggly crying, cooing present under the tree (FX)
I’ve been reading your blog for a while, and never commented before…but I really really hope for the very best for you.
Delurking here to say I am thinking positive thoughts for you and will be constantly checking back.
Here’s hoping that you have the Merriest Christmas yet!!
Nat, last night I dreamed that you had a baby boy. His name started with a J.
Been thinking of you and holding you in my heart. I ha
This is off topic and I’m sorry but I seem to be having a problem with getting your posts. Is anyone else having this problem?
I go days without getting a post and then boom, I get 10 in a row. Does anyone know why this is happening? I don’t get this with any of the other blogs I read.
I am thinking of you Natalie and praying for your serenity with whatever happens on Thursday.
And I am selfishly hating that I will probably have to wait until around 5-10 days after Thursday to find out what is happening.
Can anyone help me with this?
Again, sorry to hijack this post.
Carrie – Hit refresh. Your computer is caching the page and not displaying the newest version.
Just delurking to say that I’ve long admired your strength and grace, and I will hope for the best possible Christmas present for you (and a healthy little one in 9 months or so).
carrie,
mine does that too and i just refresh like nat said!! i mean what would a day be without our nat :)
Its Christmas so I’m really hoping we have a JellyBean!!! Merry Xmas!
I am impressed with your zen, and happy that you have it. Wishing that it continues for you when you test, whatever the outcome. But of course, hoping for one over the other for you.