Anxiety-ridden
I am feeling anxiety creep up on me. The holidays, the cycle wait, work, the weather… it’s all conspiring to make me feel a little bit jumpy. Plus running out of my anti-depressant probably wasn’t good either. (I’ve only missed one day, which does not have a large impact, but it does start to have some effects at the end of the second day.)
I don’t even know what I’m looking for. I’m wandering the house looking for food, though I’m not hungry. I’m wandering the internet looking for conversation, though I don’t really want to read. I’m just… wandering. Aimlessly.
I’m trying to think more about Christmas and less about this cycle – although, neither topic is very relaxing, to say the least. Packages still aren’t mailed, and I would have had them all ready to go tonight if it weren’t for a wee snow storm we are having at the moment. Everything shut down and I wasn’t going to venture out. (Although before everything shut down everyone was apparently out at the bank getting money so they could buy 5 gallons of milk and fill up their vehicles with gas… so they can go home and go nowhere. This is New England, people. Everything will be fully functional tomorrow. Go home and stop freaking panicking.)
Being sent home early felt like a little gift. I got home before 4pm, whiich is unheard of for me nowadays on a week day. It was fabulous. We moved the tree downstairs (the cats have been climbing it during their unsupervised nights), I decorated… and when I was done I still had a whole evening to enjoy myself. I’ve been watching some TV shows and trying to just unwind.
I’m really starting to wonder how long I can maintain working 6 days a week. I know it’s a stressful time for me right now, so I probably need a little more downtime than I would normally, but I’m getting a bit exhausted. By the time I get done with dinner and a little bit of cleaning up (very little), go through the mail, respond to emails, and whatever else I need to do that day it’s time for bed. In order to write a blog entry and watch an episode of my show I have to stay up another two hours, which means I get two hours less sleep. I feel like I either have to choose between my “unwinding” time and sleep. And that sucks. I am wondering if my schedule will change when my coworker who is on maternity leave comes back. There was talk of her maybe not coming back, but it looks like she will be. So I’ll wait and see how they want to manage it.
What a beautiful tree with beautiful ornaments to dorn it. Thinking of you…
I’ve been following your blog for awhile. I’m rooting for you! *fingers crossed* Your tree looks beautiful. Happy Holidays!
What beautiful ornaments.
Sorry you’re feeling all over the place right now.
I really hope this cycle works for you.
lovely tree… and I have to give you a little tease here because I was pleasantly surprised to see, as an atheist, that you have an ornament about miracles!! lol Not that atheists can’t believe in miracles… oh well, that might not be funny but I meant it in jest!
Keeping fingers crossed that Jelly Bean is ready to move into his/her new home with a 9 month lease! All expenses paid! C’mon little JB!
i absolutely love the ornaments..the are gorgeous! i really hope this cycle is it for you! I know you are hoping too…sending lots of sticky baby dust to you….c’mon lil baby bean stick!
i like your tree. is that in your “new” basement? i love all the lights.
how are you feeling? any symptoms? i know, stupid, stupid question. i keep hoping i will have symptoms but realize that when you look for something you will indeed find it regardless…oh well…
what day is your beta? december 26?
Beautiful tree and ornaments.
I am sorry- I can’t imagine what the anxiety is like while you wait for your beta. I pray that you get good news on the 26th and that time moves a little faster for you until then.
I just keep thinking about what a wonderful mother you are. I hope you ring in the new year with baby in tow.
Nat, I’ve been reading all this time, but haven’t commented in a while…
Seeing Devin’s ornament made me smile and tear up at the same time. It’s beautiful.
I am hoping so much for you this cycle.