Disappointment
The last couple days I’ve been hitting the second half of the 2 week wait – which is to say, my optimism is faltering. And then we got the letter that stated: “Embryos Cultured to Day 6: 1; Blastocysts Frozen: 0.” I can say the wind has been sufficiently taken out of my sails.
I sat on Den’s lap for a little bit while we both silently wondered the same thing: what does this mean about jellybean, the one we put inside us? The past week I had this thought that if our secondary choice was doing so fabulously, then the one we put inside me must be doing well. The embryo in the petri dish was the shadow, the mirror.
So now what does this mean? Does it mean the embryo quality this cycle simply wasn’t good enough? Or does it mean that the eggs that matured later just didn’t do a very good job of it? Or maybe it just means that my embryos prefer my uterus to a petri dish. I don’t know. They don’t know.
Now we have no damn safety net. I didn’t feel so upset about this cycle not taking, because we could just pop in the second one for another try at it. No going through this stimming and fertilization bullshit with the added fun of OHSS. Two chances for the price of one!
I was just so surprized and happy at the thought of having a frozen egg. It was so monumental, so unexpected in this fight against my egg maturity problem. It felt like a victory. Well, an almost-victory.
The last week before testing is always so filled with anxiety and unease, bouncing from convinced that it worked to convinced that it didn’t. I much prefer the contentment and conviction of hope that permeates my first week. The wait was always bad enough without disappointing news in the middle of it.
I guess I shouldn’t feel too surprized by this. I was happy just to know that we had one good embryo. And somehow I think I would have felt much better right now if we had only one to start with. I was given something, then had it taken away. And that really pisses me off.
Enough with the taunting, life. Let me get on with it in a straight line. I am tired of roller coasters.
I’m really sorry. I know the feeling of hating roller coasters.
I am sorry about your left over embie. I don’t know if this helps, but when we had 3 embies, they put two back and the third one was a hopeful frostie–and we got the same report back. I don’t think it is an accurate indicator for the ones put back, as one of my embies did become my daughter. Keep hanging onto the railings, the ride is almost over!
Hey, i just lurk on your blog most of the time(I just started reading a little while ago) anyway, think postive!!! Positive vibes are good for the jellybean!!!! I’ll be sending more positive vibes your way from over here.
I never had any frosties either. It made me feel a little better when my clinic told me that fewer than 25% of all their cycles result in frozen embryos. I’m not saying it made it all better, but at least it gave me more hope. Their success rate is higher than that so there were many successful cycles without frosties.
I know what you mean about the roller coaster: Is that implantation cramping? Do my boobs hurt more than usual? At some point, you just want to know, no matter the answer. You want a positive answer, but you definitely want an answer. I hope your answer is the one you’re looking for. I’ll be thinking of you this week.
I’m sorry that Jelly Bean #2 didn’t make it… I hope Jelly Bean #1 fares better safe inside you.
nat,
i am with you on the frustration. it totally sucks. i can’t say that i have had anything to freeze, ever. i have poor embryos so it’s never been even something i considered. so for you, likely not thinking you would EVER have any frosty babies, you were told you did. and then it was taken away. sucks. but keep in mind the uterus is a much less hostile environment than the petri dish. but i bet you already knew that.
anyway, this 2ww does suck. i am here with you, but i am 3 days behind you.
i also get your twitter updates on my cell phone :)
((hugs))
In my admittedly small study (sample size: one), I had seventeen embryos, mostly middling to poor quality, on day three. We transferred the two best, and NONE of the remaining 15 made it to freeze. I was devastated, and certain that it meant the two inside me had suffered a similar fate. But they didn’t–both stuck (though one was later stillborn and the other a preemie). I know that anecdotes like this are meaningless, but I just want you to know that the way an embryo performs in the lab is often quite different from how it performs in the cuddly embrace of your uterus.
Here’s hoping.
It only takes one good egg. Don’t give up hope just yet.